I hate that I worry so much about money and debt. It’s a constant thought in my head. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I am married to a very money hungry person that has made me this conscience of it, but I eat sleep and shit money.. all the time… everything is about money.

I get so upset, I feel myself getting hot, I start to have panic attacks about it. Seriously.

This week is one of the hardest for me. I have only 1/2 of my benefits from Maternity Leave coming in. I don’t know when my first pay cheque is, and I have bills coming out my ass.
We have our new daycare bill that will take a very large portion of my income when I return to work, we have car loans, utilities – you name it. Same as everyone else I know.

I sent in my recipt for my glasses assuming they were covered from what I had read in the insurance coverage booklet, but they weren’t. I got the recipt back in the mail today and felt all hot and panicked. I hate this feeling. It consumes me.
I am freaking about how we’re going to make it through the next 3 weeks. The hydro/water bill is the highest it’s ever been and I don’t want it to be paid late… but I think it will be.
Mike makes great money and we’ve struggled for the past month to get our heads above water and it’s like a big wave has come along and sunk us again. I don’t know how much longer I can live treading water like this.

I pray (and seriously I have been) that my returning to work will get us back in the black. I want so much to not worry (as much) as I have been in the past three months. I don’t know that I can survive feeling like this.

100. I am a procrastinator
99. I procrastinate so bad, to the point that it can be embarrassing
98. I am dependent, I was worse before Carter was born
97. While growing up, I was not left home alone over night until the day I moved out at 18.
96. I hated Mike when we first met. I was physically attracted to him, but thought that he was too cocky.
95. I swear like a trucker (or a sailor)
94. I am only slightly afraid of the dark, but I can’t sleep unless it’s pitch black
93. I hate earwigs
92. I am deathly afraid of being stung by a bee after getting stung in the mouth when I was 9
91. The thought of raising a toddler and a newborn scares me a lot
90. I am often envious of people that have a lot of material items, though, I wouldn’t say that I was materialistic
89. My parents divorced when I was 2
88. I have pretty low self esteem and only recently has it been getting better
87. I crave the ability to design homes- interior design, exterior design, but NOT architecture
86. I thought being a SAHM was the most boring and horrible job, until I became one
85. I want to travel more, yet I am afraid to go alone
84. I hate thinking that Carter may develop my dependency and I try VERY hard to make him very independent
83. I have never lived a day in my life alone
82. I hate thunderstorms
81. I lose interest in things too quickly, especially if I don’t see quick results
80. I don’t often try new things because I am afraid to embarrass myself
79. I am pretty thick skinned, unless it’s someone very close to me
78. I tend to let people very close to me walk all over me
77. I can be a huge bitch and be really rude, to the point where sometimes it makes Mike mad
76. I hate Brussels sprouts
75. I can drive manual, and prefer it
74. My favourite band is Pearl Jam
73. I am a huge gossip, I love hearing it and reading it
72. I am obsessed with celebrities
71. I love reality TV
70. I am worried about having another kid with Mike because I think of all the work I will have to do while he watches TV
69. I can’t wait to have another baby to have another full year off work
68. I hate some people that I work with and have thought the most evil things about them
67. At night I always feel that there is a peeping tom outside my windows and I rush to make sure that the blinds are closed as soon as I go in a room
66. I have once sent money to a friend online that I have never met IRL
65. I trust too easily
64. I love hot stuff
63. Sometimes I wonder if I should have married my husband
62. I was scared that Carter would be an ugly baby
61. I am scared of surgery, I have never had to have it
60. I am still very good friends with two people I met in elementary school
59. I avoid the phone now, I have no desire to talk on it anymore
58. I’m not that great a cook
57. I don’t think I’m that good of an entertainer to friends and family
56. I used to avoid social gatherings with people from my past because I gained about 40lbs and was embarrassed
55. I feel like I do not live my life to it’s potential and hate it, yet do nothing about it
54. I can be a jealous person
53. I always think of worst case scenario
52. I fear getting in a car accident
51. My brother makes me so mad when he acts so selfish and inconsiderate, but I never tell him
50. I hate standing up to my family because I fear that they will be mad and we’ll never talk again
49. My aunt and I hadn’t talked in nearly 8 years until this past February and she was a complete bitch to me
48. My grandpa S. was the first close relative to pass away and I am still really upset about it
47. I am such a wuss when I am sick
46. I used to suck my thumb until I was 12
45. I was bullied in elementary school a lot, I am still sad about the way I was treated some times
44. When I reached high school I became much more popular and was so much happier
43. I know now that my first real crush in high school was my first love
42. I used to drink a lot in high school, to the point that my overprotective mother thought I had a drinking problem
41. I fear turning out like my mom, though I love her
40. I am addicted to carbs and junk food
39. I could eat a Wendy’s single everyday for the rest of my life
38. I hate Burger King
37. I dread throwing up, I would rather have explosive diarhea everyday. (TMI)
36. I like to drive and have no destination
35. I miss college, I’d love to go back but not have the bills
34. I think about debt all the time, it consumes me
33. I HATE cleaning the bathroom
32. I sat in front of the TV for nearly two weeks when Carter was born watching the Hurricane Katrina stuff 24/7
31. I did the same when 9/11 happened
30. Water is my favourite drink
29. I like to read, but would rather be online
28. I wonder if I have an addiction to the internet
27. I dread going back to work
26. I am faking my enthusiasm for returning to work for my boss’ benefit
25. I love my dog as though she were my child
24. My husband *says* that he has secrets he’ll never tell me for fear that I will leave him, I am really wondering what they are
23. I’ve never stolen anything
22. I used to vandalize other people’s property when I was younger
21. I used to drive drunk
20. I still smoke occasionally
19. I used to plan my day around TV before DVRs
18. I am very disorganized
17. I wish I was organized like I was when I was younger
16. I think my husband is a big child and will never grow up, hence the reason I call him “Manchild”
15. I hate to sweat
14. I don’t really believe in a God, but I catch myself praying
13. Sometimes I think that I’d be better off alone
12. Siblings of 2 of my friends died within a week of each other 4 years ago and I vowed that I would be closer to mine and only now and getting there
11. I go to bed later then Mike so that I don’t have to deal with him trying to get some action every night
10. I hate mornings
9. I have been late for work I don’t know how many times because I hate getting up in the morning
8. I only started drinking coffee regularly 6 years ago
7. I wish I played sports like I used to
6. I am very sarcastic
5. I didn’t want a boy when I found out I was pregnant
4. Unless they know, many people think that Carter was an accident and he wasn’t
3. I say such hurtful things to Mike when we are fighting and always feel bad after, but I can’t stop saying them
2. I wonder if he wants a divorce sometimes
1. I have thought about doing this list for a long time, but thought that I was too boring and that no one would read the entire thing anyway

So Carter and I spent the afternoon at the daycare. He was great! I couldn’t believe how fast he had adjusted and played with the kids and went off on his own. He didn’t have a care in the world really.
I teared up about it. No one saw, it’s not like it was water works or anthing. I could feel the tears welding up in my eyes, but I distracted myself before I started crying. I really tried not to, but the girls kept going on about how great he was doing and wasn’t clinging and was so independant (which probably makes their job so much easier) but I was kinda sad about it. As much as I love the fact that he can be left and it’s not a fight each time, it’s still sad.

So for the most part, I think leaving him will be easier on him on Tuesday. The girls are very nice. My favourite is Sam (same name as me, hope it’s not too confusing for Carter) she made me feel the most comfortable about it all. She was very helpful and so great with the kids, she gave the impression that it’s more then a job for her. That made me feel better too.

**

I went to find a seamstress for my bridesmaid dress. I opted for Stitch-it, it’s a larger chain type store. They can do my dress within 3 days she said, so she suggested that I don’t do it until closer to the date incase (which I will) lose more weight. *phew* I was stressed about it, I hope I don’t have to worry anymore.

Wow! I’m gonna do this all in one post… saves time that way.

First, still sick. I have been congested like crazy and huge headache.. it’s now moving into the next phase.. has to do with the bathroom all the time and it’s not throwing up. *GAG* Not pretty. I feel horrible, yucky and am dreading Mike going back to work tomorrow because then I really have to do everything myself for Carter.

Mike did laundry this weekend. I was happy, glad that he took care of it for us. THEN he made a smart ass comment about how I am slacking off; that ruined it for me, and the fact that yes, everything is washed, but it’s also sitting in baskets downstairs waiting for me to fold it and put it away. *sigh* Thanks but no thanks.

Um, Saturday we had family and friends over for Carter’s birthday. All went well, nothing to report really. Ate a lot; Carter got lots of gifts and threw cake everywhere. I have to post pictures and something in my family blog but I’m just not in the mood right now. I am going to bed after this update. My insides feel like they’re going to come out. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

I’m miserable.

Today I was sitting on the couch – feeling sorry for myself and my insides – watching Silent Hill. I was disappointed by it. The start was good, then it went too far fetched, then just plain ridiculous. The video game is really scary though, from what I remember.

Oh, here’s a good one. I posted about a money fight on Friday right? Well, in the morning he acted as though nothing had happened and I was still fuming. He helps out with everything for the party and runs errands for things that we needed last minute. I send him to Costco. *ahem* The little shit came back with a new MP3 player. What the fuck? You YELL at me about how much I spent on groceries, then come back with an MP3 player. I get mad; then he says to me, “Don’t be a bitch today, it’s Carter’s birthday.” Fuck off jerk. I let it go. This time.
BUT only after I realized that I have ammo for the next money fight. Off I go, I am getting frustrated with all the typos and I can’t type to save my life tonight.

*sniff, sniff* I HATE COLDS. *cough*

I love that so many of you are reading and commenting on my blog! I’m actually really enjoying writing them, and I’m glad that you’re enjoying reading them!

I’ve given slight thought to opening the blog up publicly for people – anyone kind of people – to read. I know it will never be like the ones that are getting tons of hits and regular readers… but I wonder… LOL

Anyway, for my small audience, I’m glad that you’re liking it! (I hope)

I don’t know what I did to someone to deserve this. Is it Karma? What could I have done that was this bad.
Mike has mood swings a preteen with PMS. He’s fine, then all of a sudden just freaks out. I don’t get it, but whatever I did for this karma was HORRIBLE!

We went out for dinner to a GREAT buffet style restaurant that is well known in our area. Dinner was fine – I ate way too much (Weight Watchers out the window today *gulp*).
Then we go to the bank; always fun. When it comes to money I have never met a more selfish and obessive person then my husband. He works to live and lives to work. He never has enough and never will. He’s so money hungry it’s sickening sometimes. But hey, you roll with the punches I guess.
So he puts a couple cheques in and sees the balance: 1.79 (yes, you read it right, one dollar and seventy nine cents), and freaks out shits a brick. Hey I thought it was pretty good, better then what it was 2 months ago.
He proceeds to blame ME! Little ol’ me for the 1.79 that’s in the bank. I told him what I spent money on yesterday and offered to submit my reciept for approval.
He’s still mad about this, 2 hours later! As if I am home all day shopping my ass off. Yes dear… I am able to get a screaming child into his stroller and shop for everything and anything under the moon. I try on clothes and I buy random stuff that I don’t need just to fill my day and piss you off. Moron.
Meanwhile I am the one that’s constantly going crazy about my credit card debt and wondering how we’re going to pay the hydro bill this month, along with daycare… I have NO idea when my first paycheque will be and I have no idea when my Maternity benefits end.. but yes, I have been out shopping and spending ever last cent that you bring home, just so you can bust your ass more and see less of it.

What a Muthafucka.

*sigh* I needed that.

So now, as “punishment” I am cleaning and preparing for our son’s birthday party tomorrow and Mike is sitting his ass on the couch watching some shitty movie. And because he’s mad about the fact that we have no money (tell me something I didn’t know) MY punishment is that he’s going to sit there under my nose doing nothing. He knows just how much it gets under my skin and uses it all the time.

He’s a little pre-madonna drama queen that “man”.

I wish I owned a voodoo doll, and my second wish…. to know how to use it.