I have a meeting with work today to discuss my responsibilites when I return in just over 2 weeks. I don’t know how to feel about it. I am anxious, worried, upset, discouraged, depressed, excited, ready for the challenge, blah.

I am really worried about what they are going to expect out of me. When I left they mentioned administration and answering phones, stuff like that. Being that I am the only female in the office, I can see how those responsibilities would automatically be deligated to me. I hate it. I don’t want to be a secretary. I didn’t bust my arse (kind of, lol) at school and get huge debts to be a secretary, I could of started that straight out of high school.

I was doing cost estimations for jobs and the odd field inspection on the construction sites.. though, now with having a baby and having to be home at a certain time, it’s not as fesible as before.
I had gotten into travelling to the US for work through my company before getting pregnant and really enjoying it, but now that I am the primary caregiver I don’t know that I could up and leave for 1 - 6 months again. No, I KNOW I couldn’t. *sigh* even though somedays I dream I could and Mike would see what it’s really like.

We are getting by fine with me off work. The little amount that I bring home from EI benefits is enough to get bills paid, no frills though… and I kinda miss those…. Mike has said that I could quit if they offer me a position that I am not comfortable with. I do have the right to legally decline, I know that> I *could* make them give me back the exact position I left… but there has been so much growth over the past year, it’s not the same anymore.

I feel like I am going into an interview. I feel like I am starting a new company and I’m feeling like I am afraid to ask for what I deserve. I’ve been there longer then any one of them - including my boss. I AM the one with senority, the highest you’d think if it went by time employed like other places.. but I feel as though I am at the bottom, with the most to prove. I think I am in a way because I am female. I feel inferior to them.. even though I AM NOT! It’s difficult to describe. Maybe someday I can find the words.

So, I am off to this meeting. Carter’s Gramps is coming over to mind him while I am there… hopefully they have fun!