Sometimes my job requires that we work night shifts in the subway tunnels after the trains finish running for the day. Last night was one of those nights.
I actually really like them because I get the next day off work (which, like today? Day before the long weekend? Fabulous!), but the hardest part is getting my bubble butt outta bed. I hate getting up as it is, so waking from my peaceful slumber at 1:00am to go to work? Meh. I could pass in a heartbeat.

Uneventful night really, except for the subway workers telling freaky ghost stories about working nights in the tunnels. As they sat off in the distance, trying to one-up each other with a freakier story (because men need to have even the best and scariest ghost stories), the lights flickered and the entire tunnel went pitch black. I nearly jumped outta my damn skin! They came back fast though, thank Jeebus.

I tend to have a very graphic and relentless imagination. I think up the worst, most horrific things sometimes. I don’t know why, but I’ve aways been that way. Anyway, this morning driving home, at 5-freakin’-A.M. I has an episode of gruesome thoughts. Drunk drivers hitting me, me falling asleep… you name it, I thought it. That, I can handle. But it only got worse once I began to feel sleep creeping up on my. My eyelids became increasingly heavier, I was not really paying that much attention to my actions. I just wanted to get home, get off the road and crawl back into bed.
I came upon a car going incredibly slow on the highway and erratically weaving into different lanes. As I came up beside him, he appeared to be falling asleep behind the wheel. Unsure if it was alcohol induced, or just exhaustion like me.

As I passed the car, I watched in my rear view mirror as he slowly crept into the fast lane in front of a speeding car. Thankfully the other driver reacted promptly and was able avoid the car, but I watched in horror, wondering what the hell I should do.

As I drove along, I periodically looked in the mirror trying to keep an eye on the car, failing to keep up, he was drifting further and further behind. I made the decision to pull over and wait to see him pass and then judge what to do from there.

I knew I wanted to get home. I wanted to get myself off the road since I was so tired. But what about him? Do I sacrifice myself (or someone else) by making a dangerous decision to follow him? Do I call and wait for police and stay even longer to explain what happened? Do I forget it and go home?

The driver never passed me as I waited on the shoulder.

I went home. Back to bed.

I have been unable to shake this feeling that I made a bad decision. I feel as though I should have stayed. I should have followed. Just in case.

But where do I draw the line? I made a decision based on my needs. Selfish? Maybe. What if he was drunk? What if he hit and killed someone? Would me staying out there, watching over this person be just as bad as having him driving erratically all over the highway, since I was deliriously tired?

In my eyes a person deliriously tired is just as bad as a person drinking and driving. Though it’s not as severely punishable; driving tired is also impaired. It’s also dangerous, deliberate and deadly.

What do you think?

:::

Mike’s my two year old today. I’ve sent my toddler off to daycare so I can care for another – his father.
Mike had emergency dental surgery this morning for an abscessed wisdom tooth. Ironic no? Wisdom.. yet he waited so long and let it deteriorate to the point where it’s caused minor gum damage and a horrible infection? *gag* No wisdom in that if I do say so myself. (Now, me? There’s some wisdom!)

As much as I love him, he’s ridiculously annoying when he’s drugged up. He’s reverts back to an over dramatic preteen. Picture a teenager drunk for the first time. Yup, that’s my 30 year old (soon!) husband.

Makes me so hot for him. *swoon* *cough, cough* *gag*

Thank Jeebus he’s in a drug induced slumber at the moment.

Hopefully it lasts until Monday.

:::

This post is FAR too long, but I have some GREAT news!! (I think it’s great so, it’s great.)

I’ll share it Sinday (Or Sunday, depends on who you are) since I have a wedding of two dear friends to attend tomorrow. Now flying solo, by the way. Dick (read: Mike) did this on purpose. Stupid teeth.

On my way home last night I stopped at Staples to deliver some documents I need to have bound. After dropping the items off and completing the forms, I headed to the exit. Something caught my eye. A beautiful new computer monitor. On Sale.

My gaze traveled beyond the new monitor to the computer section. Beautiful spankin’ new laptops, programs, keyboards. *sigh* Oh how I would love to have these new gadgets. How these gadgets would help me keep on top of this, yet still spend more time with Carter without my back turned to him, throwing crackers over my shoulder.
While relishing the thought of scooping up everything insight, I had a revelation. I am officially a full on, no holds barred, geek.

I. am. a. GEEK. (yet oh! so! glamorous!)

(I can’t believe it. I said it. I professed my geekdom to The Internets.)

I no longer yearn for those coveted high heels, instead? A wireless keyboard and mouse. Nor do I crave the latest vanilla berry lip gloss, but a new wireless router.

I. am. there! I am a full fledged geek. (For the third time! This is almost therapeutic.)

I just hope in Carter’s eyes, I will be the lovable geeky, yet oh-so-cool mom! *shrug* A girl can dream right?

Thirteen Things on now my Wish List

1. Wireless router
2. Wireless keyboard and mouse for my desktop
3. External hard-drive for all this stuff
4. A new lap top computer with all the bells and whistles (Don’t think I could convert to a MacBook yet though. I have sentimental attachment to PCs) – pink would be an extra bonus!
5. This cute little mouse pad.
6. Photoshop CS2

And so you don’t think I’ve totally gone off the edge!

7. Lululemon Hula Crops
8. Rimmel Vinyl Lip Gloss in any light brown coffee colour
9. Coke Zero. I am craving so bad right now!!
10. I wanna try Guitar Hero (since everyone talks about it – You got it? Invite me over M’Kay?)
11. I wanna play with a Wii (Oh, you have that too? Can I invite myself over? I’ll bring coffee!)
12. One night with this guy:
Well, at least one night. With handcuffs, whips, Cool Whip and chocolate.

13. Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough to hog to myself after I’m finished with No. 12

1. There are over 200 blogs in your daily reads folder of the feed reader *pfft* who am I kidding? Really? I scan most and read a few, comment on even less. I really am trying. I want to comment more on your blogs! I really, really do.Which brings me to…

2. You feel guilty for not getting to a blog in a timely fashion and haven’t commented in even longer. You’re a regular reader but worry that you’re not regular enough.

3. While you should be working on something else you’re wondering about your stats – How many people have come to my site? What are they searching for? Will anyone even read this?

4. You’ve contemplated having more then one stats program because well… the one you have may not be collecting all the relevant information. Tell me. Relevant to WHAT? Are you going to start keeping demographics of your readers or something?

5. You’ve developed a blogging crush. Yup. You heard it here first. I have developed a BOY blog crush. I know, I’m in shock myself, as it kinda sneaked snuk snuck (is that even a word?) up on me. Not telling you who though. *wink, wink* Because I don’t want to scare him; and I really like his wife. *blush*

(For the record, I have a few girly crushes too, but they know who they are. Don’t fret, that’s NOT all of them. You are too !! *pats head* *air kisses*)

I can’t believe I just admitted all that to the Internets. I’ve re-affirmed my need for a different hobby.

I hope you have some blogging idiosyncrasies to share? I’m sure you do. Spill it.

I’m going to hide now.

Hey! Scrapbooking looks fun!

:::

P.S. Air conditioner is fixed. I danced. A little. Almost kissed the service man.

P.P.S Got back the files I lost last week. I heart recovery programs.

So Manchild came home with a filter last night for the furnace. BONUS! Finally I can bask in air conditioning. Wonderful, blissful, fantastic air conditioning. *twirling in circles* (tip: picture Sound of Music on the hilltop)

Picture this:

I get already for bed. Scratch that. Don’t think about me getting ready for bed. Pervs.

So I get my pajamas on (read: sweats and t-shirt cuz I’m so smokin’ hot like that), tie my hair back and hop into bed. Mike tags along bitching about how it’s not cooled down in here yet. The thermostat says it only gone down 2 degrees. Seriously? He’s complaining; even though it’s rather slow, the temperature is DECREASING! I don’t give a damn, it’s decreasing! I’m not going to complain.

Then.

BANG!

Whatthefuckisgoingonhere?! GeesusHChristwhatthehellwasthat?!

Mike said it sounded like the furnace.

[this is the sound of my heart breaking]

Me (in my best off Broadway performance yet): No! It. was. NOT! Go check it! Oh dear Lord, please, No! *on hands and knees atop the blankets in the middle of my bed* (Not like THAT! Sickos. Geez.) No! No! No! I want my air conditioning, I deserve my air conditioning!

*sigh*

Oh, there’s air. But from the fan only. No actual conditioning of the air. Just air.

*hangs head*

My beloved air.

I dunno what’s going on. I don’t know if that bang was the Ol’ Girl quitting on me.

*on knees, weeping* Oh! Dear! God! Don’t go! Stay with us Ol’ Girl! Stay with us! *looking to the sky* Please, don’t take her! I NEED her!! <— my second best off Broadway Performance.

*ahem*

The dudes are supposed to come back today and see what’s up. And this time, they’re doing in on MY time. None of this 11:00am crap like yesterday. (Though, I did have a very successful shopping trip yesterday afternoon, thankyouverymuch!)

Please pray for my air conditioner.

Oh, and while you’re at it, say a little diddy for my ceiling fan too. I don’t want him to feel left out; he’s been the staple holding this wack-job girl together for the last month.

Oh, did I mention? Satan invited me in for coffee (sadistic fucker). It’s a balmy 38C (100F) right now.

It’s 36C (97F) degrees right now.

I have no air conditioning.

I feel like I am standing at the gates of hell.

I hate to sweat. I detest sweat.

The dudes came today to clean the ducts and clean the furnace of its disgusting grime. They were supposed to be here Saturday, then canceled. Then, today, they were supposed to be here at 12:00 NOON. So I made arrangements to leave work early to be there (here) for them. At NOON.

I get a phone call at 11:00am that they are waiting in my driveway. *Apparently* wanted to get ahead start. Fuckers. Apparently they are the only ones who work.

Regardless, they came in, got it done.

I was all “YES! YES! YES! Air conditioning!” (tip: Make sure you read it like Sally says it in When Harry Met Sally, cuz that’s how I said it.)

But before I coud turn it on, Mike called and was all “No, not yet. I have to buy new air filters on my way home because those ones will be trash now, we don’t want this re-occurring mould issue, right?

I was all, “FUCK IT, I want my air dammit! You get to sit at work – IN AIR CON-fuckin’-DITIONING – and I’m here boiling my ass off. Not the weight loss plan I had in mind.”

He’s all: “Just wait ’til I get home.”

I was all: “Motherfucker, I’ll wait, but it ain’t gonna be pretty. And I expect Dairy Queen tonight.”

Here I am. Waiting. Patiently. Eagerly. Bitchy. as. hell.

Fuck, I hate to sweat.

Hence the extra 40lbs I’m carrying around on my big ass and inner-tube-like love handles. Yes, that’s right, I smuggle inner tubes under my shirt. Fucksakes. Stupid sweat.

If I was an R-rating before, that’s probably just been bumped. Motherfucker! (Just for good measure.)

Dick Simmons’ got nothing on me

Happy Pride.

There are moments when you wish nothing but to be with someone, to show them you care, and show them comfort.

There are moments when we’re completely helpless and at a loss for words.

There are moments when you wish it could all be taken away.

No matter how hard we try, there will be insufferable heartache. There will be times when we cannot be there for the ones we care about, and times it’s so important to reach out to ones you don’t even know.

Life is filled with uncertainty.

I’ve always tried to consider my internet life one to be separate from real life. It’s a distinction that I’ve used to mentally separate myself from conflict and heartache… because really, you’re just people inside my beloved computer. But when tragedy strikes someone inside the beloved box, I find it impossible to look away. You’ve all become a very important part of me.

When one of us is faced with such unspeakable tragedy, the way this community unites is truly remarkable. It makes me so appreciative of each and everyone of you I’ve “met”.

One of our own, NYC Watchdawg, is experiencing that unspeakable, insufferable, tragic loss right now, as his 5 year old Puppy Monster is off to a better place.

Even though many of us would rather be there is person to share our condolences, it’s just not possible. But what we can do is try and help relieve the financial burden for their family. If you’re willing to help, please follow THIS link for more information, or even take a moment to visit NYCWD’s site and offer your words. Though it can never take away the heartache, it can let him know we are here.

‘Say not in grief ‘he is no more’ but live in thankfulness that he was’

Hebrew proverb

There are things in my life I’ve done that I’m not proud of. At times, I wish I could them expunge from memory; but for action there is a lesson learned and maybe erasing some memories would cause me to forget the subsequent lesson. Maybe erasing said items would result in me becoming a shit flinging delinquent in a tree cursing those who cross my path, so I digress; not really the best laid plan.

But what about erasing evidence of said memories? Throwing out journals, pictures, erasing emails? Is there a point where it’s expected that you throw out past reminders? When you’re in a serious relationship? Marriage? Would one be considered unloving or immersed in the past, that should be long forgotten, should they opt to keep such items that remind them of a certain period or person in their life?

When Mike and I got married, and moved to our new house, that’s when I decided to throw out the trinkets of my past. Letters, some photo, memorabilia of my prior life. The life before marriage, family and stability. I thought that it was excepted of me to let it go. I thought I had a moral obligation to rid our new life of such reminders. I knew that if he found certain letters from past boyfriends or pictures kept, he would begin questioning my dedication to our marriage and my family. That’s just his personality. So, for me, the choice was an easy one. At the time. I knew I had to make the decision I had made, but a part sometimes longs for those reminders I opted to rid my life of. (Seems I’ve been rather nostalgic this week wouldn’t you say?)

What have you done with your love letters, trinkets and memorabilia from before you were with your significant other – or if you’re not with someone now, do you have stuff from previous loves? Has someone found them before and questioned your commitment based on what they had found? Have you kept it a secret from them? Is there a reason it’s secret? But if you’re hiding something, does that mean you should be guilty of something? Why else would it be hidden?

Some thoughts for you to ponder while I spend the next two days trying to recover lost items from my laptop that I desperately need for work. Damn recycling bins should ask: Are you triple sure you double checked and re-checked that you didn’t dump something in here that you really need? Because when I dump this, it’s truly a bitch to try and get it back.

Fuckity-fuck!

Wish me luck!

(Hey! That rhymed!)