A good friend of mine recently found out that she is expecting her fist child and since I am such a great friend who hated to pussy foot around important issues… I give you..

What All New Mom’s Should Know: a series.

1. You will pee. Oh, boy will you pee. Sneeze? Pee. Stand up? Pee. Cough? Pee. Laugh, cry, whine? Pee, pee, pee. There’s no control, there’s only hope no one else notices. Black pants will become your best friend.

2. Boobs will never be the same. At the beginning you will love them. They get bigger, fuller, more porno-ish. After? Ha! Saggy, wilted and deflated. Picture tennis balls hanging out in nylons. ’nuff said.

3. You will never be on time again. Always worried about being on time? Get over it now because things are gonna change sista! Explosive diapers, spit up on your new shirt, forgot something, kid won’t wear pants… anything you can think of WILL happen the moment you’re ready to walk out that door.

4. Your resume will change from fluent in Excel, Word, Powerpoint, etc. to Master of Disaster. You’ll be cleaning drains, unplugging toilets, stain removing just about EVERYTHING!, entertaining, reading etc. No longer will you worry about the office gossip and if so-and-so is cheating or their spouse with what’s-her-face. But things like “where is the marker that belongs to this cap!” and “no, Billy, don’t eat the… margarine!” You’ll be constantly wondering: is my child slow? how come he’s not talking yet? is his head too big? when’s he gonna walk?

5. Dressing nice = jeans and a t-shirt and *gasp* a shower! Yes, yes ladies. Many days you will have to run out sans shower and still in barf covered sweats that smell like pee. (Please refer to number one). Gone are the days of getting ready; no time for washing your hair let alone styling it. Forget about shaving, that’s now a thing of the past. You will be harry in places you didn’t even know you had.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

(Part two will continue next week, please feel free to add yours in the comments!)