In my younger years (ha! Listen to me at the ripe old age of 26 - who do I think I am?) I was not a shy person. I was very in tune in touch with my sexuality, and confident but not over confident. I was a flirt, open honest, a vagrant teenager. I didn’t have a care, nor did I want one. I wanted to enjoy life by being spontaneous and accepting of anything and everything that came my way. And I was, maybe too much.

I made myself emotionally available to someone I shouldn’t have. He was 4 years my senior. I was in grade 9 (freshman) and he was in grade 12 (a senior), I fell head over heels for him, I fell hard. So hard in fact, I have let to let him go.

See, he was not emotionally open to me, as he had a girlfriend. I was, for the first time in my young and naive life, the other woman. Conversations ensued and we became close. I was head over heels in lust. The dangerous, yet desirable relationship was so thrilling and intoxicating, I was completely consumed by this guy even though everything about the situation screamed to get out.

After a year of us secretly dating it was over.

The Girlfriend had found out, and I was tossed aside. The thrill was gone, and so was I.

When I look back now and think about how heart broken I was: the tears, the lying in darkness listening to “our song” over and over again, the constant whining to friends. I can’t help but shake my head.

How could I have been so free? So oblivious to what was really happening? So open? How could I still have feelings for ths person?

Yet. I don’t.

The feelings not are for that person anymore. Ten years later, I realize that. The feelings are for the time. The time in my life where I felt free: no responsibilities, no bills, no children, no future (or not one that I even remotely thought about). But that’s all changed with a mortgage, child, job, etc. I’ve since become a more guarded person, more self conscience, and far less carefree then in my teens. I crave that time again. I crave it so bad.

I am so envious of my prior self that was living in the now, blissfully unaware of what the future would hold, and had no desire to know.

Freedom.

:::

Posted as part of the Parent Blogger Network Blast! contest, “We’re Having a Blast with Sk*rt, and You Should Too!”. Bloggers everywhere are encouraged to write a post on the topic “What Are You Hiding Under Your Sk*rt?” sometime today (Tues. June 19), and then load that post up onto sk*rt (then send the link to PBN). The person who gets the MOST votes (not comments, votes) on their post at sk*rt WINS! If you feel like lifting your skirt, get over there and share your story! So get over to sk*rt, and while you’re at it, if you liked my entry vote for me!