July 23rd, 2007
Thanks for the well wishes, I am feeling a lot better after a relaxing weekend in Sauble Beach. It’s been ages since I’ve been and I forgot just how much I love it there. But beach pictures to come tomorrow with more on that.
And no, I’m not pregnant, since many of you think I’ve used a faulty pregnancy test, which is very humourous by the way, but in order to get pregnant you have to have sex. And well, up until last night there hasn’t been any sex in the House of Me for quite some time. Okay, well maybe there was some sex about a month ago. But, I can assure you, there are no babies.
[I just admitted to the Internets that I had sex last night. Gah! It was good, if you're wondering. Too much? well, don't insist that I'm pregnant without all the facts. That'll teach you!]
*If* we were trying to get pregnant you’d be the last to know. Frankly, I don’t want to share everything on this blog as I don’t know that my boss wouldn’t see that I’ve said we’re trying for another baby (me and Mike not me and my boss) and freak out. Then find some reason to get rid of me before I admitted to him that I was expecting so that he didn’t have to keep my position open for the year that I’d be on maternity leave.
Did that even make sense? ‘cuz I know what I’m trying to say, and it’s your responsibility to read between the lines; if you didn’t get it, well, tough luck. Guess you’re out of the loop.
Understand? Good. Glad we’re on the same page.
To be completely honest, I was actually quite disappointed in the lack of contributions for the free design giveaway I was holding. I *thought* it would be a good idea and that people would really love it, but nope. You all just validated what I’ve thought all along.
I suck.
One whole entrant. Such a disappointment you people are; you should all be spanked; but I’m not putting out that much effort. Instead I’ll continue to cry into my pillow. Or maybe! You all just LOVe the designs you have and didn’t feel the need to upgrade! (let’s go with that, makes me feel better.)
That’s fine, you’re loss - but not Tastes Like Crazy’s loss, cuz, well… she’s the lone entrant that wins the design!
Now that my feelings are crushed. *ahem* I will attempt to type through my tears and share the search terms that bring people to my site.
“SELF HUMILIATION” - oh! I know! Hold a contest for a free design where all but one think you’re a moron and don’t play along (Really. I’m not bitter people.)
“is it normal to think about killing your husband” - Normal? I don’t know about that, but it does happen. I vaguely remember confessing that I wanted to slaughter my husband in his sleep with a spoon.
“farting in front of your spouse”, “when to fart in front of husband”, “farting aruond your spouse”- is something that you should be comfortable doing. Holding it in is only painful and uncomfortable for you. We primp, shave, clean and dress up for our men, wear uncomfortable high heels and tight clothes for them, and hold in our farts until we are uncomfortably bloated and shifting wildly in our seats praying for it to be silent when it squeaks out. It’s about time for US to be comfortable and let it out! I say FART!! With all the searching, it’s apparent you’re thinking the same thing and just looking or some validation.
“babies peeing during a fuckin diaper change” - it’s a conspiracy. Just to get us mad. Best time? In the middle of the night when you’re deliriously tired and not paying full attention. They pee knowing that your reaction timed is slowed and that you’re not going to be able to get that diaper out as a shield in time. Smart little buggers I tell you.
“underage strippers”, “go with wife to see male strippers”, “husband cheats with stripper”, “strippers cheating”- Take her for lunch at the club. To the buffet. Sit in perverts row and introduce her to your underage stripper girlfriend. Good Times. Trust me on this one.
“overalls and a bikini” - DON’T DO IT!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T DO IT!!
sex fuck “smell my armpits” - Wha? some new maneuver? Not very charming.
“spy on mom in the bathtub”- I have no idea how this got you here. I say DON’T if it’s YOUR mom. Not cool dude. If it’s someone else’s hot mom? Have at ‘er. I recommend climbing the tree in the front yard and perching yourself outside the bathroom window. That always wins the ladies over.
“thong wedgies” - I don’t know how you don’t have a wedgie in a thong. Is a thong not just a permanent wedgie? I mean, unless you somehow manage to keep it over one butt cheek, it’s always wedged up there. Isn’t it?
There you go. Latest search terms.
Off to wallow in self pity now.
*breaking in to song*
No body loves me. Everybody hates me. Going to the garden to eat worms….
Hey there glad you are feeling better (and sexin it up!)
You had a design contest?!?! shit. I have been out of the bloggy loop lately and scrambling to get ready for the road trip (so wish you were joining us) and the BlogHers Act Canada stuff and we suck.
Don’t eat worms. That’s yucky.
The blogosphere has been mighty quiet lately. I have noticed it A LOT at my place too. You are not alone sister
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:56 am
um, sorry. I have no interest in my blog design. (and I use typepad. I don’t think you mentioned typepad in your contest.)
I have no search terms. That should make you feel better. Clearly I need to be writing more about killing my husband or sex or something. Maybe killing him while having sex would get me some odd hits?
And, I did once use a faulty 2 pack of pregancy tests. I was sure I was pregnant, and convinced my dr to test me a week later (that was my second daughter). Stupid cheap POSs.
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:13 am
I’m so happy you are feeling better Sam! A little relaxation can do us all some good.
Your boss sounds like a jerk. Unfortunately that is not an uncommon way of thinking for a male boss. But he is probably “expecting” you to be pregnant one day anyhow. Most people have 2 kids at least - and youare still so young. He knows it’s coming.
As for your contest. I wouldn’t know what to do with that new template if I had won it LOL. You are very talented though Sam - don’t get down on yourself.
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:49 am
Winning by default is still winning, right?
You’ve got some very original search traffic there, Sam.
All I ever get is “anal + Clorox” and occasionally “crazy anal”. (sigh)
Maybe I shouldn’t write about my discussions with my husband any longer.
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:15 am
I would have entered but never saw the post! I’ve been in bed for the last 3 days with a kidney infection. Yeah, ouch.
Anyway, you definitely DO NOT suck! As a recipient of your design talent, I can say with authority that you do not suck.
And what’s this I read about having an entire YEAR off for maternity leave???? Was that a typo?
Well, I’m going bck to bed. Email me when you’re ready!
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:30 am
I WOULD have entered the contest if I didn’t already have a beautiful blog design! Geez.
I love your search terms. I’ve had some crazy ones too. They crack me up.
And, in answer to your question about thongs, and I’m sure this falls under the category of WAY too much information. But, trust me. I love them. I feel like I get wedgies if I wear full back underwear.
I recommend buying several pairs. I do have some favourites that I wear all the time (obviously, I have multiples of one style) It’s all about the style.
July 23rd, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Glad your feeling better and having the sex…
More people should have entered, your designs are beeeeeutimus! Yes, that was me trying to boost your ego a bit.
You’re welcome.
July 23rd, 2007 at 2:47 pm
I would have entered the contest, but I have never said or heard anything appalling over a baby monitor, so I didn’t enter. Sorry!!
I love your search terms; i have a few of my own I need to post.
July 23rd, 2007 at 3:27 pm
I’m stuck on the YOU HAD SEX (never mind LAST NIGHT). I can’t even remember the last………..
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Your search terms are far more interesting than mine. Mine all deal with pooping in pools and Paula Deen…not sure if that is a related phenomenon…
As far as the design contest…I just had mine done and didn’t need it. I’ll play next time, promise :)!
July 24th, 2007 at 10:08 am
First of all…you are too funny! Gawd, I love you!
Second…I saw that you had the contest, and I even have a funny story to share (I’ll tell you later), but I don’t need a new template, cause, well…you know. But I’ll gladly share my story with you.
Third…glad to hear about the sex. But seriously, I’ll be one of the first to know when there’s a bun in the oven, right? That’s our thing, isn’t it?? Come on…pleeeese…
July 24th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Yeah for the sex! LOL!
I’m hoping that some of it
“seeps” over my way, not cuz’ I’m raring to have sex just ta’ have it, but I’ve got baby-fever BAD! Yup’ I know, crazy…………
July 24th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
You crack me up…but I think I have said that before. Right?
Love the search term idea! when ever I check them, they are usually rather boring though LOL
July 26th, 2007 at 1:26 am