July 31st, 2007
With all the BlogHer talk floating about the blogosphere this week, I’ve begun to contemplate many different things that had transpired over the few days you ladies were in Chicago getting your drink on learning. The different topics that you’ve posted honestly and candidly about from the conference have begun to ressinate with me, and got me thinking.
I wish I had been there to sit in on a few session of interest. Like privacy on the internet, ads on sites, blogrolls, and full feed settings, traffic, stats, etc. Stuff that’s not really openly talked about on blogs often. Some stuff that smaller bloggers aren’t really affected with so much as more well known bloggers are ie: requests for promotion, trolls, ads on sites, etc.
To be completely candid and honest with you, I won’t hold back and I hope that you’re open and honest as well.
I turned to blogging once my love affair with message boards came to a screeching halt. Some people had labeled another member as a con artist and a thief spreading hurtful things about her throughout the board leaving her no way to defend herself. Had it been true (which no one knows for sure), she wasn’t even given the decency to defend herself before she was banned from the boards left to read all the horrible things people we saying about her from the sidelines. It was heart wrenching and evil.
Blogging became, for me, an outlet that message boards never were. I never revealed my true self on the boards for fear that I would be ganged up on, chastised and bullied off the site. I’d seen it happen too many times before; so I sat back, not revealing too much, never really striking conversations. I wasn’t me. But blogging? I can write about anything I want, whenever I want. I don’t have a terms of use strangling my creativity. I don’t have to deal with the judgemental bullies nor do I fear facing scrutiny for my thoughts and feelings. You don’t like it? Simply click the little red x and be gone, or I will do it or you.
The one thing that’s a drawback from blogging is my fault entirely. I’ve let myself become consumed with statistics. Granted it’s something that I’m familiar with because of my job, but it’s become an unhealthy need and rather harsh tool I’ve been using to judge myself.
*deep breath*
I use it to judge myself. Yes. I said it. I judge my abilities as a blogger and *gulp* my popularity. I get down on myself when I see that readership has dwindled, or I am happy when I see that they’ve increased.
I compare my self worth to what my Sitemeter says.
I compare my writing ability to how many comments I receive.
I compare myself with every other blogger I read.
I get upset when I try really hard to get myself blog noticed and seemingly fail.
I worry that people think I’m flaky, unfunny, boring…
I concern myself far too much with what people think of me.
[So you're aware. Everything I type is real and very much from the heart. I just pick and choose what to share, so that people won't be overly bored.]
So wrong. I know.
It’s a very unhealthy habit to get into, and I am neck deep in it. I don’t see a way out.
I want to be recognized for being me.
I want to be loved for being me.
I want people to read.
I want people to enjoy reading.
I feel like I’ve thrown myself into blogging expecting too much. Maybe that I would emerge as some amazing blogger (like others have) and have many readers and be liked by all.
Maybe my unrealistic goals have tarnished what’s really important to me.
Having a voice and using it.
Whether it reaches 2 people or 2000 people shouldn’t matter. It really shouldn’t. So why do I let it? Why do I always feel the need to judge my self worth based on what other people think of me and my abilities?
All I know is whether you’re here reading or not, I’m going to write. I love writing and I feel at peace after I finally get all this crap downloaded from my pea brain.
I had no intentions of this being a pitty post. I don’t expect people to feel compelled to stay and read out of obligation or guilt. I just began writing and it kinda directed itself this way.
I blame it on the heat.
p.s. My air conditioner is fixed.
(Damn! Guess I just shot that whole blame it on the heat bit to shit didn’t I?)
What-evah.
WOW! This is an awesome post. Way to wear your heart on your sleeve, girl!
Your feelings are the same ones we all have. I alsmost wish I never would have discovered the whole world of site meters, bloglines, etc. Many times I feel obligated to post something, so I don’t LOSE READERS… yet when I started blogging, I didn’t even expect anyone to read it. Now I base my livelihood on how many comments I get, how funny my posts are…
We all do it, hun. We all want to blossom into these great blogging queens like– well, we all know who the great ones are, don’t we? I wanna be like them just as much as you do.
Anyways, just wanted you to know I feel the same way, and I’m sure we’re not the only ones.
July 31st, 2007 at 2:19 pm
You’re kidding, right?
You really don’t know the following?
You write well.
You are creative.
You are a multitasking genius.
You are NEVER boring.
You are envied by other bloggers for your wit and thought-provoking posts equally.
You have a great blogging personality.
Do numbers really mean anything when it’s YOU who feels better after blogging?
I think not, oh blogospheric wonder woman.
Besides, the stats don’t reveal the number of folks reading via third party stuff, right?
Like, if I read you through Bloglines,it doesn’t show up on stats unless I open your site on another page, right?
It should never be about US (aka, the reader). It’s always about YOU! As it should be.
Oh, and so freaking glad the A/C is finally fixed (again).
July 31st, 2007 at 2:41 pm
I started my blog more than a year ago. Back then it was a very personal blog that I didn’t think would be anything but a diary for myself. Just like you, I became highly turned off from message boards (even though I sitll belong to a couple, mostly for nostalgia’s sake), and wanted a place to write about what *I* felt like writing about. Earlier this year I decided to pick it up and make it a regular thing that I wanted other people to read too.
I never thought I’d care about what sitemeter said either. But I do. And I think I suck because of it. I totally judge myself by it. I think I’m a total bore.
Let’s face it, we are social beings. We WANT to be accepted in any social situation that we are in. I do consider blogging social, I do think the internet has become a valid way of interracting with other people. So it’s only natural that we like to see people come and visit us and talk to us.
However, just like every other social situation, just because someone isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Maybe they just haven’t had the chance to do it yet.
I should really take a dose of my own medicine.
And for the record. I think you are awesome.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:03 pm
I was like that too - but I just stopped one day and smacked myself in the head. Try that. Ha ha.
You are teh awesomeness, so chill.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:20 pm
You wouldn’t believe how many people this weekend said the exact same things you just said. It’s everywhere. As long as you write well and keep yourself happy, I think the rest will flow from there. I hope?
July 31st, 2007 at 3:28 pm
I read your blog a lot, you make me laugh, and you write in such a way that’s honest and true. I think most bloggers often feel this way!
July 31st, 2007 at 3:39 pm
I used to do that with my old site.
Now I hardly look at sitemeter anymore.
Mostly because I see everybody there, but NO comments, and that makes me feel shitty.
So I don’t look. Heh.
It’s kind of the same way I treat my guest bathroom. It’s clean if I don’t look.
RIGHT???
July 31st, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Aw, Sam. I love your blog. Your good, your fine, your a great writer, your funny, entertaining, blah blah blah. Really. But, I can kinda relate…I get a little bummed when my stats drop or I don’t get many comments on a post. Its hard, but try to remember that it blogging really isn’t about stats…its about writing for YOU. And I’ve found that when I do write for me, my stats go up.
July 31st, 2007 at 4:51 pm
The problem is that there are SOOOOO many voices out here, and so little attention span for most people. I wear my heart and eat it sometimes, and when all that garners is 4 measly comments, it’s hard not to take it personal. So I remind myself that a lot of people read thru feeds, and never comment, or rarely due because of time (I have so many sites in my feeds it’s stupid)
I think some of it is also seeing what passes for popular in some cases. I shake my head a lot at what gets 200 comments a day-it’s boring, derivative and sloppy to me. But not everyone wants a challenge after all.
July 31st, 2007 at 5:36 pm
it’s soo hard not to compare. i do it too. i heart you so much!
July 31st, 2007 at 8:57 pm
You. Make. Me. Laugh.
There!
There is NO compliment I can pay you higher than that, Sam. I really enjoy your blog, but I have the feeling that I would enjoy it LESS if I thought that YOU weren’t enjoying writing it– stressing-out about it, you know what I mean?
So, TRY not to stress, TRY not to check your stats and worry about it too much (and I am the pot calling the kettle black, here, BIGTIME, I admit it!!)
Just enjoy, and write, and be your own sweet, hilarious self.
We love you for it!!
July 31st, 2007 at 10:45 pm
I don’t think that there is anything I can say to make you feel stronger or better about yourself and your abilities as a writer/blogger. That, my friend, has to come from within yourself. But what I can say is that I’m here, reading. I may not comment on every post, but I’m here and I’m reading you. I get you, I get what you say, many times more intimately than I do with someone else’s blog. I think you’re smart and funny and really good at blog design, and I enjoy your blog or I wouldn’t be back time and time again.
Don’t sweat teh small stuff, honey.
August 1st, 2007 at 8:45 am
Oh Wow! I know what you are saying sister! I am exactly the same way. I judge my importance in this world by how I THINK others view me.
August 1st, 2007 at 9:32 am
Fear not, you are liked.Very much so!
Write for yourself first, and think of us bloggers secondly.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:30 am
I think your blog is full of personality — and that’s one of the major things I like about it! I also WUV your sense of humour and simultaneous vulnerability (as brillersly manifested in this post). I’ve given up on focusing on comments, etc. Because it affects how I write. The minute I find myself obsessing about readership, my writing goes to shit. It’s tough, but it’s important to let it go.
xoxo!!!
August 1st, 2007 at 2:11 pm
How did I miss this post yesterday???? Anyway, great post. I feel all the same things and know that it’s silly, but I can’t help it.
I love blogging, I love the friends I’ve made, I love the outlet. But I don’t like the feeling of posting for fear of losing readers or the feeling I get when I get only a handful of comments on a post.
I also struggle with the community feeling of blogging and being neighborly. It’s hard to visit everyone and comment. I often feel overwhelmed, but I hate to miss people.
Tell my ramblin’ ass to shut it now.
Great post…I may do one like it soon.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:48 pm
As the others have said, you are a fabulous writer and blogger. I totally get what you’re saying about the stats. They are evil, EVIL I say! But it is totally natural to be addicted to looking at them. If I find a cure for it, I will let you know.
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:31 am
I was just telling someone this morning that if I could figure out how to get sitemeter on my blog I would be too busy dissecting pie charts and graphs to ever leave the house again!
I’m glad I found your blog through Cakehead!
August 2nd, 2007 at 2:58 pm
I’m a couple days late getting to this one. Ditto to what everyone said. I’m a shaky-legged colt with this blogging schbizzel, but I love to read you. Cuz I feel you. You are honest and that’s what brings me back. Don’t stop. You’re great.
August 2nd, 2007 at 7:56 pm
The whole no comments thing makes me feel like crap. I see people out there who can’t write for crap, aren’t even remotely funny and they are getting 50+ comments per post. WTH? That’s what gets me down the most.
I just try to not worry about it. Sure, I’d love to be the popular blogger, but I was never the popular kid so I should be used to it by now.
You’re funny, and entertaining. Get over it.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:51 pm