We spent Sunday at the zoo with my dear friend MarthafreakinStewart and her family. Preparing for the worst, I armed myself with plenty of snacks and items of distraction, expecting melt downs and stroller fights to earmark Carter’s first ever trip to the zoo. With my camera in hand, I was hoping to catch some of his finer childhood moments (read: biggest and best meltdowns to share on my blog).

One thing about my husband you should know: should we head out of town for a long weekend somewhere, he will pack minimally. He will neglect to even think of some important items - like, say, DIAPERS! - and brush it off like it was my fault. But! when we go for a day trip somewhere? That man will have everything packed, re-packed, and bring just about everything we friggin’ own! That stroller was weighed down with extra clothes, swimming gear, cameras (which I forgot to charge the battery in my Sony and didn’t hear the end of the entire day. But! Luckily had brought along the other camera.), he also carried a backpack full of food!

With everything but the kitchen sink, we arrived right at opening in hopes of missing the huge crowd of people, because really, who in their right minds gets up at 6:30am on a Sunday morning to get to the zoo before the crowd except us)?

Well, apparently half of Toronto had the same plan; okay, over exaggeration.. but there were a lot of people with the same idea. By the time we had the entire stroller packed up and headed into the park, there was all ready a considerably large crowd ahead of us. And the worst part, for me, about the zoo is the shuffling in packs to each exhibit and fighting for space to get a glimpse of the sleeping/hiding animals. Luckily, strollers gave us the ability to squeeze the boys up to the glass and with their adorable chatter about the animals, the evil glares quickly changed to *awwww, so cute* looks.

They started off great with lots of interest in the animals. Carter would chatter at every exhibit, calling just about everything with hair and a tail “Himonkey!” and anything that was large and hairless was a “Ahippo!” and MarthafreakinStewart’s little guy was just unsure about anything that moved quickly and wasn’t behind glass (rightfully so if you ask me) but their enthusiasm quickly diminished as the exhibits got further and further apart and the animals moved less and less.
By 11:00 (2 hours into the day) we had our first meltdown. At the giraffe exhibit, the lack of stimulation was getting to Carter; he’d been to about 4 exhibits where nothing was moving or even visible to most (especially a toddler who can’t see an alligator that’s right in front of his nose unless it’s moving) and he lost it (to give him a little credit, I don’t think the suntan lotion he rubbed in his eyes helped the situation).

After stopping for lunch (which was food from the park, NOT the 400 sandwiches that Mike insisted on making) and re-grouping we tried for round two, and at this point I think both boys were wondering: Are they fuckin’ mad? We’re still going to try and see these boring sleeping animals?  until we got the meerkats who were the life of the entire zoo; I swear, these little buggers had those boys captivated for what could have been the remainder of the day should we let them (and maybe should have).

Shortly after the meerkats, it was evident we had sapped out every last drop of their interest because dammit! we didn’t drive all this way for nothing! so we headed to the splash pad for a break and to cool down.

As we hiked up a huge hill, trying to find our way back to the front of the park, where the splash pad was located, we got lost. Actually, scratch that. The boys got us lost because they refused to listen to girls bitching insisting  suggesting that we follow the sign directing us to the exit. I can’t think of anything better (worse) then sitting in the hot sun with upset toddlers, debating with two men that we’ve gone the wrong direction, while they retrace our steps on the picture map provided by the park.  Good times.

Rejuvenated, refreshed and ready to go after splashing around in freezing cold water, we tried one more exhibit - the Dinosaurs Alive!  - which if you ask me, totally sucked. Rubber dinosaurs that move by the push of a button, whooo-fuckin’-hoo. Boooor-ing.

After all the hype in line about how the life like dinosaurs may scare the shit out of the younger guests, I was hoping for a least a significant meltdown, some screaming and freakin’ out. Some action! But no. Nothing.

The most action all day ended up being Carter getting bit by an overzealous and anxious Canadian goose trying to take Carter’s cookie right out of his hand. The bugger came right up to him in his stroller and ripped it out of his hand! I was in shock, I didn’t even know what to do. Since they’re protected animals I couldn’t haul off and kick it (with people around); Mike decided that spraying water at it might deter it from coming closer again. I don’t think he took into account the fact that, um… it’s a GOOSE and they live in the water. *shakes head*  So yelling and stomping his feet while chasing it only proved to the rest of the park what I’ve known all along, he’s fucked in the head.

So, to recap.

Todders + hot sun + sleeping (boring!) animals + hills / stubborn males + strollers stuffed to the gills +  biting geese = Fabulous! trip to the zoo!

In conclusion, we survived, the kids are in one piece,  we know that anything with hair and a tail is a “Himonkey!” and anything without is a “Hihippo!”, and I can safely say.

Zoos are so fuckin’ overrated.

*Pictures to come once my lazy ass downloads them. Promise!

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