August 20th, 2007
Divorce:
- The legal dissolution of a marriage.
- A complete or radical severance of closely connected things.
Divorce is an ugly word. I’ve been through a few in my life; never fun; and it’s more and more a part of everyday life. But looking back, no matter how heart wrenching, it’s still usually for the best.
I was two years old when my parents divorced. Throughout my life I’ve heard bits and pieces of just what happened, enough to draw my own conclusions. Infidelity and moving much too fast seem to be the consensus. This divorce was actually good, since both have moved on and are happily married to different people. But the burden of hurt and betrayal is still very evident when talking to my mom. Abandoned (her words not mine) to care for two children under two on her own with no income (since she didn’t work while we were young) has no resonated well with her, even after 24 years.
Though, I love both my parents, I am so thankful they are not together because had they been, I would have led a very tumultuous childhood, worse then it was with the traveling and visiting and fighting over holidays. Those parents that stay together for the sake of the kids, in my opinion, are doing far worse then good. That lifestyle is so very toxic for everyone involved. I have seen how a family lives with constant verbal abuse; I have seen how the daughters grow up to marry and/or date people who treat them as their parents treated each other.
Toxic.
When I first met my mother-in-law she was moving to a new house. It was moving weekend, which she conveniently failed to mention before Mike and I made the 3 hour drive to her house. To move her shit.
When we arrived we were greeted by a bubbly and busy little five year old. Only knew she was five because that’s how she introduced herself: “Hi, my name is S. I’m five.” My task assigned to me, by Mike, was to occupy S. and Mike’s grandfather who had a broken foot and couldn’t move boxes. Fine, I could handle that.
Apparently his mother didn’t agree.
After spending the weekend there, putting up with her Drill Sergent-like rules (Once a Military, always a Military) and acting pleasant and as helpful as I could, I felt very unwelcome.
I was right.
Months down the road it came out that Ms. Sergent has told anyone who would listen that I was using Mike for his money (Ha! we were STUDENTS!) and that I was cold and rude to her; by practically assassinating my character to anyone who would listen she probably figured that she would in turn convince Mike that I was not worth it.
Yet, her constant lies (far beyond me. Worse then just me.) instead, drove a wedge between herself and her son with no way to ever get back what she had lost. Now, years later, she’s missed our wedding, her first born grandson and any contact with us whatsoever. Neither Mike or myself have talked to her since March of 2005.
Trying to explain to you, wonderful internets, what she has done to her children and her family would take far too long. Far too long, and frankly, she’s not worth one more breath then I’ve already wasted on her.
Divorced.
Through all of this. I can honestly say: friendship divorce is the most painful for me. Maybe not even divorce. Separation? Growth?
Friends who were there through so much. Friends that know my innermost thoughts and whom have seen me through some very difficult times, or what seemed so difficult in the years of a dramatic teenager.
Growing apart from people who were once my constant companion, the ones I turned to with anything, and could share it all with. The people whom I’ve had many firsts with and learned so much from; those loses are very painful.
When it’s happening, the changing, the growing apart, it’s really not evident until the damage is done. Slowly moving apart and slowly realigning oneself with other people, starting a new job, a family; it all takes it toll on friendships. Some survive and some, just don’t. But the ones that were meant to stick around have. I cherish the friendships that have remained and realize more then ever that it takes two to make a relationship and two to try even harder to keep a friendship alive through life’s changes.
Some just take more energy then they are worth to keep alive. Some people just require more attention and take it personally when life gets in the way. I’ve had friends like that too. Those are the ones that just haven’t survived. It’s hard to put into words how it hurts to see those I thought would be there forever fall to the wayside. How those people, as heartfelt as the friendship was, it was obviously more one-sided then originally thought because had we been true friends, there would have been more understand of how life just changes and because we don’t talk daily anymore, doesn’t mean that we’re not there for each other anymore.
As I read back what I’ve written, it’s obvious that the pain is still real, since I’ve started babbling.
Losing a friendship is fucking hard.
Divorce sucks. Period.
Breaking up is hard to do, huh? I know what you mean, especially with the friendship route. Divorce doesn’t mean you have a husband or wife, or that papers are involved.
Definitely don’t have to husband and wife, though, I can’t imagine I ever want to go through that, especially with children involved.
August 20th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
it comes as entitely ZERO surprise that my parents, too, divorced when i was TWO.
Funny when you’re a child that we just don’t really get it, not until we see our parents personalities and actually understand them LOL
August 20th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
entirely
August 20th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
exactly
LOL Laura, always to the point!
August 20th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
I get it. Totally. The friendships, the divorce, all of it.
You probably get it better then I do. Even though it’s good, it’s NEVER fun.
August 20th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
I too am on the “get it” side and raise you an amen sista.
Well, see your Amen Sista, I raise you a “Holla Back!”
LOL
August 20th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
I am seeing this myself with 3 couples close to me, and trying to keep my opinionated mouth shut.
Nothing is worse than trying to comfort a pal by joining in on trashing their soon-to-be-ex to make them feel better, only to find that two months later, they are going to try to work it out, and sorry they can’t be friends anymore, their spouse knows you hate them.
SA
Oh crap. That’s horrible. Really horrible.
August 20th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
My parents divorced when I was five and almost did again (after remarrying) when I was 17. It was hard when I was young because I didn’t “get” what was going on. But it was also hard when I was older because I did get it, and I had to see my mom as an unbelievable flawed human. The same is true with friendships, so many what ifs and hurt feelings that just get calloused over time.
Man, as if going through once wasn’t hard enough.. sorry!
And yeah, as hard as it is losing a friend it seems to go away after a while. Worst is when you see them again after a long time though and it’s like you don’t even know each other.
August 20th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
I love your honesty, Sam. Always. This is a really great post. Thanks for sharing it.
Thanks Haley! *kisses*
August 20th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
I just wrote about my recent friendship divorce…
It was a long-time coming, but I found it to be really difficult to talk about… or deal with. It really sucked, because she wasn’t a completely bad person, just a little on the toxic side.
Thanks for sharing. It’s comforting to know that we all go through the same stuff sometimes.
Thanks for sharing that! The ones that take a long time, you know it coming, or that something has to be done about it - delaying the inevitable is really horrible!
August 20th, 2007 at 10:57 pm
You been picking my brain? I’ve been going through a ‘divorce’ from one of my closest girlfriends for OVER a year now. It’s long, drawn-out and painful.
Personally, I think she has the menopause and has flipped her lid, but that’s just my opinion.
Very high maintenance, very mememelookitme, very all about her and her needs.
Ugh.
I’ve read some about your divorce and it sounds like our friend was the same person. LOL Though, they’re not.
August 21st, 2007 at 9:14 am
This post really spoke to as I am going through a “divorce” from what I thought was my best friend. I still hurt.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I hope it gets easier over time! *hugs*
August 21st, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Great post… it really hit home. My parents SHOULD HAVE divorced… but didn’t.
My mother-in-law is divorced (15 years ago) and still tortures me daily with the details. I think my sister has divorced me… hasn’t spoken to me in two years…
Life sure can suck sometimes
I’m glad you enjoyed it… even though there’s really nothing enjoyable about it. LOL
My mom still talks about my dad in a bad light, and it’s hard since I’ve really tried to make things work with my dad since I got older. But she makes it so hard.
I’m sorry about your sister. (That too is going on in my family - mom and her sisters.) I hope things will mend with time.
August 21st, 2007 at 1:01 pm
I get the friend divorce thing. It’s so hard to deal with. I’ve been going through it with a friend for awhile.
Painful
Sucks worse when they drag out doesn’t it. Or when you still have to see them and things are awkward.
August 21st, 2007 at 1:03 pm
I completely agree with you about the parents together for the kids thing. My parents held out until I was 11, and those last couple of years were horrible. Not because they were fighting and screaming at me or even at each other…they put up a good front. But it was a much colder, sterile environment. Not good.
Divorce does indeed suck. But it is better than a marriage that sucks.
True Mia, very true. Trapped in the same house with people that just never get along would be dreadful. I’ve seen some people live like that and I know I never could.
August 21st, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I too have had to divorce many people in my life. 2 marriages, step mother and her family, and even my own sister. It does suck, especially when it is not something you really want to do.
On the other hand, I DESPERATELY want to divorce my mother in law. She just won’t allow it. Something about living next door kinda negates it. THAT SUCKS too.
I am sorry for your loss though. Grieve it, it is the only way to get past it.
It’s been two years since my friend and I divorced and it’s still hard.
LOL about wanting to divorce your MIL and not being able to. I think I would have lost my shit by now if that was the case with me. And if she lived next door? My God woman. I’d be drunk constantly.
August 21st, 2007 at 1:16 pm
You are so right about people that stay together for the sake of the children. My parents did and it was the worst thing they could have done. They didn’t divorce until a year after I was married. I was 25. It was years of hell. Life certainly would have been a lot different for me, my brother, and sister.
That’s exactly what I was talking about. Some people think they’re doing their children a favour by staying together, but they just don’t see how it really affects them.
August 21st, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Yup. It totally sucks.
Period.
You said it sista!
August 21st, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Boy, did this hit home. I’ve been through the ringer this year - two friendship divorces, one of which I wrote about. The other? I can’t decide whether to reopen the wound and if she’s even worth it.
And, AND I just passed the year-mile-marker of the last time I talked to my mom. It’s bizarre that we’re not speaking because there was no blow up, we never spoken a cross word once I exited the teen years. But now it’s just silence. From both of us. For some reason.
Short story long, it’s been a painful year of divorces for me. All this drama does not agree with my fragile psyche. These lessons (valuable, insightful, worth it) hurt like hell.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:50 pm