harder to write then I ever thought it would be

Dear Carter,

Two years ago my life changed forever. I knew having a  child was a HUGE commitment. I knew I would love you and protect you and cherish all our moments together.

I just didn’t know how much.

I couldn’t even fathom exactly what you have come to mean to me; I don’t think anyone really does until they hold their child for the first time. I hope one day you too will know the love of having children and watching them grow.

I didn’t think I would be this sad today. Birthdays, around our house, have become just another day. But this day is different.  This day signifies that you are no longer my little newborn baby, but an independent and headstrong toddler full of will and determination, already. You’ll always be mama’s little boy; but you’re not my baby anymore.

For today, you are two.

I had thought of a full long drawn out post  including photos and little excerpts of what your life has meant to me so far, but I’m finding it hard to gather the words without it sounding forced. I am unbelievably choked up about the fact that you’re now two. I wasn’t expecting this to hit me so hard today; I’m completely unprepared.[Maybe this is how Daddy feels about his looming 30th birthday!?]

Just know that Mama and Daddy (or Mike as you call him) love you ever so much and always will.

Love you SweetPea, and Happy Birthday!

Love, Mama

xox

:::

I never shared Carter’s birth story here before. It’s just never really come up in *conversation* before and I don’t tend to doddle on it that much since it was pretty hellish. But here it is, for those interested:

The day I was due to go into labour came and was nearly gone without even a twinge. I was bound and determined to have this baby! After months of stabbing nightmarish pain in my groin, it had come to the point where I could barely even dress myself without collapsing in tears. 

Saturday night: August 20, 2005, Mike and I went on a date to get my mind off the fact that I had yet to go into labour and that I was so miserable.  I opted for “Hell’s Kitchen” from East Side Mario’s… I was still trying anything to get this labour going, and I love hot foods, so why not. Up to this point, I tried teas, walking, sex, baths, everything. I remember asking the server to make sure it was extra hot. 

I stick to the thought that it seemed to have worked, because at 4:45am I woke up with pretty strong contractions about 8 minutes apart. At 12:15pm I couldn’t take the pain anymore on my own and we made our way to the hospital; but not without a stop at the bank first. I don’t know why, but I encouraged Mike to stop because we need! money for parking.

Who the hell takes the word of a crazy pregnant lady in labour anyways? *ppft*

By the time we arrived, my contractions were 4 minutes apart and lasting for what seemed like EVER! 

Once admitted and in triage I was 3cm at about 1pm, and 4cm by 2pm .. seemed to be going alright… I got my epidural with a spinal and after talking to the nurse, we were expecting this baby to arrive by 10pm.

By 4pm I started to feel contractions on my right side, intensifying every time. The anesthesiologist came back and pulled my spinal catheter out a little to see if that would fix it, but they only increased and intensified to the point where only my left thigh left frozen.  By 8pm I was having full on contractions; the anesetheologist was conveniently in surgery and would be able to come back for a couple hours. 

At this point, I took anything and everything I could to dull the pain: an entire can of nitrous oxide and whatever else they would feed me.  Left to labour from 4cm to 8cm with no (strong enough) medication I cursed those women who did this all on their own. Yes! You! I cursed you! Most of this time was a blur, except I do remember offering my nurse jube jubes.

The anesthesiologist arrived around 10:30pm to  attempt my epidural again; I was contemplating doing the last 2cm natural since I had come so far, but I needed sleep  so badly or there was no way I would of had the strength to push at all.  Shortly after the second epidural was administered, my contractions slowed; trying to restart my labour, I was then given Pitocin.  Then, 5am I was 10cm and ready to start pushing, but Carter had other plans, he was not wanting to come out.

His heart rate and my blood pressure increased  to the point where  a c-section was eminent; but I refused. After all that hard work, I didn’t want to go out like that, since I’ve never had major surgery, it freaked the shit out of me .

Finally, he arrived; a little bruised and not breathing since his cord was wrapped twice around his neck. One of the freakiest moments of my life when I heard the nurse yell “We need help!” since he was unresponsive.

But you’d never know that now!

 Carter – My Little Dude

August 22, 2005 @ 8:01am

9lbs, 6oz

Even though this is what he’s like most day, I love him to bits! 

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