November 12th, 2007
Having children was a given for me; I’ve always been comfortable around them, infants in particular. I remember being six years old and going to a before and after school program at the local daycare, I would beg and plead with the staff to “help out” in the infant room. I have always had a soft spot for babies. Babies that were never my own.
Carter was a great infant: better then I gave him credit for. Every newborn has crying fits, even some in the middle of the night, trouble latching and all around new baby behaviour. Compounded by the fact I had raging hormones, painfully engorged boobs and lady bits that felt like they had been through the shredder, I just wasn’t seeing clearly. I didn’t see how great he actually was, but instead focused on the worst times.
I remember one dark and lonely night, sitting in the living room, bawling while cradling an inconsolable infant and reciting to myself over and over Do. Not. Shake. The. Baby. Through tears, I begged and pleaded with him to tell me what he wanted: to tell me what to do.
Those were the darkest moments parenting has brought to me thus far. Hopefully I never see worse days then those.
Now that I look back at how inconsolable I was, I cringe at the thoughts and feel extreme guilt. Guilt that I could have done so much better during Carter’s first days. He deserved better then a screaming, crying and down right miserable mother who wanted nothing more then personal space and sleep. I was so selfish. I see selfish, even though I was too adjusting to life as a parent. To life where I didn’t come first anymore. It wasn’t about me anymore and wouldn’t be for years to come.
Ungrateful? Maybe. Selfish? Yes, I believe so since I knew what sacrifices I was to make while bringing a child into the world, yet he didn’t.
Being someone that hasn’t had trouble conceiving (to date) my thoughts lately have been with those who have and reading a post that My Moosh (yes, she’s MINE all MINE!) wrote got me thinking even more.
As much as I want this pregnancy, I perceive myself as appearing FAR less then grateful. I have complained and whined and felt sorry for myself repeatedly when there are more then a few people would would do anything to have this morning sickness. They would gratefully hug The Porcelain God that Thank Him for this opportunity all the while I scoff at Him and curse Him to the depth of Hell.
I know this is my blog and I can feel what I want and shouldn’t have to apologize… blah…blah…blah….
No one put my up to this, no one guilted (yes, not a word, but is today) me into this. This is how I feel and and I have a right to share that I feel horrible and guilty even thinking about the fact that my harsh and blunt words could and may have been hurtful to someone that has had to try harder.
So for that I am truly sorry.
** Please don’t think that this is Casey’s doing. I’ve read other posts, but hers was the latest one that I’ve read and it really touched me because I consider her a great friend. Besides, the mere mention of morning sickness on this blog and traffic seems to disappear in a blink of an eye. **
I am Fertile Myrtle. My first pregnant was unplanned, at 19. I raged about the unfairness, I told stories about the morning sickness, I cried and cried about the sleepless nights.
And then, several years later, my best friend who had stood by me through all of it started having fertility problems. She is still childless, almost 8 years after my youngest was born. I can’t even bear to talk to her when I’m having a rough mom day because the guilt is so overwhelming.
November 12th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
i get pregnant just looking at gabe.
my best friend had several upon several rounds of failed ivf until she finally had her babies. life is so unfair. it hurts me that some women can’t have babies or it’s hard for them to get pregnant - and i totally feel guilty.
November 12th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
ARE YOU KIDDING? I AM THE BITCHIEST MOST COMPLAINING PREGNANT WOMAN THAT EVER WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
Happy puking, I’m going to go eat a carton of ice cream, neener neener.
November 12th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
When it comes to pregnancy I never felt the need to apologize for any of it.
I never felt the adjustments that many women do, I never had the raging hormones that many women do, never suffered mommy brain that many women claim…and I can get pregnant just thinking about it, but I have never felt a need to apologize. It is what it is, and I think all what it is for some reason beyond our knowing or understanding: not necessarily a spiritual or religious reason, but some biological or cosmic reason.
Having said that doesn’t mean I do not feel for those who desparately want a child and suffer through infertility…I truly feel their time will come and often hold them in my prayers.
November 13th, 2007 at 12:57 am
That’s very sweet of you to apologize. It still is sometimes difficult to hear how easily some women get pregnant, or to hear them complain endlessly. I am one of those with infertility. It took me over 2 years to get pregnant with Kyle (my youngest). I did fertility treatments that failed. I’m not sure what got me pregnant, since it was an off cycle. But I welcomed every nauseous moment, every pain and ache, I even welcomed and appreciated the complications I had (though I wouldn’t want that again).
But you know, it’s your blog, and you have every right to complain. Pregnancy is not easy. And if it bothers me that much, I’d stop reading.
Love ya girl…and am very happy for you!
November 13th, 2007 at 10:11 am
I know exactly how you felt. When Little Miss had colic I truly knew how some people could lose it and shake their baby, I controlled the urge, but I really knew how it could happen. She cried 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for 3 1/2 months!!! I have a hubby, but he had just had back surgery and he was no help! You feel alone and you just want a little “ME” time. Good Luck with this little bundle of joy!!!!
November 13th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
I have thrown so many things across the room just to keep me from throwing the baby…. I love him but dizzam….
November 16th, 2007 at 11:14 pm