Every time I sit down to write something the words have escaped me.

I could sit here and talk about how my three year old has been sleeping nights in his underwear. How he’s been asking to wear them instead of pull ups every night this past week.

I could tell you how we’re working on crying it out since I am so over the whole co-sleeping thing. Maybe even mention that I’ve had two solid nights of sleep, through to 7am. (I know!)

I could even tell you that having Mike home has been nice; even almost pleasant since Carter has been elated to wake up each morning with Daddy here. Having Mike be the favourite to play cars, hockey and to wipe his ass? I cannot tell you how much I am enjoying that.

I could even mention that one night last week, after bringing in groceries, we left the dog outside, unattended. She decided it was boring to wait at the front door any longer for someone to let her in so she joined the next dog walker she could find. They walked for about an hour while the lady tried to find Briggs’ rightful owners then took her home to call the shelter since she had tags.

I could even divulge that since Briggs normally sleeps on our bed, away from the kiddie action, we didn’t even notice she was missing until the shelter called. How brutal is that!? Seriously, that dog has been neglected since the kids came along. This is pointedly evident now. Poor doog. I can’t even explain to unsurmountable guilt I’ve felt since. Thankfully the couple that found her had taken her in, cared for her – even trimming her long nails! – and drove her home after getting our address from the shelter.

You know, with the pit bull laws in Ontario now, we were thisclose to having our beloved dog removed from our home, submitted to euthanasia while we could have been charged upwards of $10,000. All for forgetting her outside? THE GUILT!! I just can’t even imagine if the wrong person had found her. Admitting that I’ve failed my dog (since I’m such a crazy animal lover) is hard. Knowing that she’s safe and at home helps.

But all that stuff? It’s all meh. Uninteresting, life things.

So? What’s new with you?

:::

Oh, and since I’ve dragged my ass with this Starbucks giftcard giveaway, I’ve decided to pick two winners – which I’ll share the first week of January.

Best wishes for a fun and SAFE New Years’ Eve. Stay off the roads if you’re drinking and enjoy your time with friends and family!

xox

My house very well could have been hit by a bomb. There’s boxes, candy wrappers and toys strewn about every room. Board games clutter the kitchen counters, half eaten birthday cake is wrapped and sitting amongst a cluster of crumbs, the counters are barely visible through Christmas gift bags, gift boxes, clothes and child / baby necessities. I haven’t been able to walk through my living room in four days with out having to avoid toys as if they were land mines strewn about; we’re still clad in pajamas as we have been well into the afternoon most days.

The children have had no routine. Hudson is currently sleeping in my bed, arms delicately resting above his head while a light snore escapes his lips, completely and utterly oblivious to the world around him – for the past two hours!

Carter fell asleep on my brother’s sofa last night – the first time in his years of life that he has slept on a couch. Content and comfortable, he cuddled a stuff animal while we talked loudly above Dirty Jobs,  laughing and enjoying family around him. For the past two nights, he has slept in beds which were not his own. For the past two nights he has slept in his underwear without an incident!

Tons of food, even more cleaning and none of it has been done in my own house. We’ve been traveling the same small circuit over the past four days, with more to come later this evening when family comes from out of town for a friendly game of Poker. The children will once again be consumed with lights, laughter, food and family while they crash in a different bed once again tonight.

I have yet to take a photo of the memories we’ve been creating, instead of sitting on the sidelines with my camera in hand, I have been taking part and committing everything to memory rather then digital reminders. Even though I feel a twinge of guilt that I will not have my photos to share with family and friends, there are others to share with me instead.

As I sit on the sofa amidst pillows, blankets, boxes and toy parts while I try and gather a few thoughts, I have an overwhelming sense of love and family. Carter yells for his dad to crash cars with him, while the dog looks for a save spot to snooze. The cat creeps by hoping to avoid the dog and I sip my coffee as though it’s a life source meant to be savoured.

Thoughts of Mike’s layoff and impending job search have been moved to the back burner while we enjoy what really matters. Our loved ones; and even though there is a great possibility of troubled financing times looming over us, I have never felt so wealthy.

Since Mike’s layoff, I’ve realized it’s kinda nice having him home.

I said kinda.

Only because:

I have an extra set of hands which I can hand an unruly preschooler off to.

I ask Carter: “Who would you like to take you to school? Mommy or Daddy?” Knowing that every time his choice will be Daddy.

When Hudson’s poopy diaper needs to be changed, paper, rock, scissors works much better with Mike than it did with Carter.

I have someone to have an adult conversation with throughout the day.

It’s not two against one on a daily basis anymore. Though, it’s sometimes three against one…

My coffee can be brought to me.

I don’t wake up to Carter jumping on my head and telling me it’s wake up time – Mike does.

I can shower and not worry about what I may find demolished/coloured on/ broken / wet / stained or crying when I come out.

The bad?

Cramping my style. My routine, or lack there of, has been completely disheveled. Especially since this morning Mike said to me: “Now I see what you really do throughout the day and the reason why no one is dressed when I come home from work.”

Busted.

* I couldn’t hold myself to a specific number, there would have been too much pressure, and I don’t perform well under pressure.

And…. the winner of the Starbucks gift card will (hopefully) be announced tomorrow. Sorry about the delay, but my child labour darling son has been busy elsewhere.

** You’ve only got a short time (like an hour or so) to enter into the Starbucks Giveaway for $25 gift card! **

Things are going as good as can be expected with everyone home. Mike’s worried himself sick to the point where he’s sleeping a lot mixed with cold symtpoms and abdominal pains. He’s gone to a doctor, and the symptoms where not conducive to a regular flu bug or cold. An ultrasound has been scheduled for Wednesday morning.

What’s that saying? When it rains, it pours?

For the past 24 hours Mike has had thought riddled with the prospect of cancer. Typical of him to think absolute worst case senerio, but I’m used to it and kinda just brush it off, but I do worry about his health and how much he’s been getting sick lately. For someone who has been ill about three times in the eight – going on nine – years I’ve known him, these past three months have been a staggering change.

So for now, we’re concentrating on family; using the lay off as an excuse to lay around and catch up on rest and regain strength for the new year. Do things we have neglected in the recent past – like spend time together.

That is, of course, once Christmas is over – yesterday was gift shopping and today? Today we’re braving the crowds and heading out the mall to plop our children in the laps of a complete stranger dressed in a costume.

(Where I am secretly praying for an awful picture because those are far more fun.)

All in the name of Christmas.

Disclaimer: It’s a babbling rant which I have no desire to make coherent at the moment.

For the second time in four months Mike is without work. I am in a state of shock at the moment. He completed an overtime shift on Friday only to be given his walking papers after a thirteen hour day. If it’s not bad enough that Christmas is less that two weeks away, there really doesn’t seem to be anything on the horizon thanks to the American recession and the one looming here in Canada.

Calls are being made, but it seems that everyone is in the same position. Layoffs are emenent and many other workers are also home during the Christmas holidays without any prospects of work coming their way.

We do have an out though; that being I return to work early and Mike can then collect unemployment and stay home with the boys. Though my income is not as much as Mike’s is was, it’s something.

Selfishly, I am so not ready to return to work. I have another five and a half months remaining in my Maternity Leave and I want them. I want to be here with my kids! It just seems so unfair that I have to sacrifice my time with my children. I know, it sounds delusional, doesn’t it? Our family is in need and I’m worried about me and my wants.

We won’t know anything until this coming week regarding the future, and for now we sit in limbo – worrying, waiting, contemplating our next step. It’s like highwire tight rope walking without a net and the other side out of sight. Where do we go now?

It’s been a gloomy morning here. Mike is not himself at all. Worry, guilt and uncertainty consumes him – he’s shut down. He doesn’t talk, just mopes. Maybe it’s the feeling of failing his family (which he constantly burdens himself with) or the fear that there is no work available (which we won’t know for certain until the work week begins again), I just don’t know. I don’t know what I can do for him;  how I can console him without making him feel as though he has failed his family?

All I know is I have to make sure that everything is “normal” for the kids. Though they are too young to understand, I don’t want this to affect the Christmas that we had planned for them. I don’t want anything to change where they are concerned. But, how do I go about that? This is all new to me – potentially jobless with children.

So, for now? We sit and wait for Monday. Fearing the worst while hoping for the best.

** Thank you to all those that participated in this giveaway! The winner shall be revealed on Thursday afternoon by Carter! ♥ **

For as long as I could remember I was strictly a Tim Horton’s girl. A dedicated Canadian coffee drinker. I mean, at $1.65 for an extra large coffee? How could you go wrong?

Just about everywhere I went, I would have a coffee in hand. I can’t start my work day without one.

But now? Competition.

Yes, I have converted.

Starbucks has been giving my beloved Tim Horton’s a run for my money as of late. Particularly the Tazo Chai Tea Latte (Thanks Cheaty. Thanks. A lot.) So what that it costs about quadruple the amount of an extra large Tim Horton’s coffee. I can’t help myself!

A Non-Fat Tazo Chai. Oh, and a lemon poppy seed loaf (yes, I would eat the ENTIRE loaf as a matter of fact. Thankyouverymuch.). Utter bliss I tell you.

Here comes the good part peeps…

Tell me your very favourite coffee treat here in the comments and I will pick one lucky winner who will receive a Starbucks gift card worth $25.

The comments will close on Tuesday December, 16 at 12pm EST.

I told you it was The Ultimate! Now, get sharing!

xox

Just over two weeks remain until Christmas and I have absolutely no ambition to do any shopping, decorating, baking or planning. I don’t feel like taking the kids to meet Santa, I definitely don’t want to wrap gifts – gifts that I have yet to buy.

As years pass, I find Christmas more and more of a hassle. I hate that I feel that way about it, but with the commercialization of it all, it’s just not the happy go-lucky season everyone makes it out to be. It’s a time of anxiety and stress for me. I worry about what to buy for people. Worry if they’re going to like it, and how much money have I have to spend on those gifts.

High stress.

Sure, everyone says it’s the thought that counts, but have you ever really thought THAT when you’ve gotten probably the most shittest gift you’ve ever recieved? Gee, thanks for thinking of me. As you hold up that waterproof shower radio trying to convincingly smile so that your disappointment is not completely apparent by the scowl crossing your face.

I mean, sure maybe that really did put thought into that shower radio, but really? A shower radio?

Mike tells me every year not to stress about it and if I can’t think of anything just get gift cards. I personally find gift cards to be such a cop out. To me they come across as: I really couldn’t be bothered to think of something to get you, so got get it yourself. But on the other hand, I don’t want to go out and stress for hours about what to get for someone when they can take that card and buy what they like and be happy.

I think I just put too much thought into this, and even though I realize that it’s not going to stop me from sitting here and avoiding shopping until I have no time left and even smaller selection to choose from.

Couldn’t make it any harder on myself, could I?

So, tell me. What do you do? How do you decide what to get people? How do you avoid the shopiing stresses?

I think I am drawn to people who need help; I think somewhere in me, I believe I can save them whether they truly need help or not.

I had a boyfriend in high school whom I think I subconsciously believed needed just that. Me to save him. Coming from an abusive home, he was continually verbally and emotionally abused by his father. Physically even. At seventeen he had seen more violence then any child or young adult should ever see at the hand of their parent. Threats of violence could be heard on the other side of the phone most nights before he would abruptly tell me that he had to go.

I never thought about running away from that relationship. I thought I owed it him to stick it out and be there for him since he family was not.

One particular summer afternoon his father was home from a business trip and began yelling and screaming that some of the tasks he’d left in this boys’ charge had not been done. He blamed me. He said that I was the cause of this boy abandoning tasks that he was left with and that because of me he had not been contributing to the family as he should.

A screaming match ensued; I stood and walked from the room and straight outside. His mother and siblings stood by terrified to interject, as always.

I should have ran. I should have gotten in my car and left. I didn’t need to be apart of this, nor did I need this in my life.

But neither did he.

I stayed, I paced outside the house. I waited.

He emerged a little while later in full hysterics cursing his father and saying how he would love to just grab the shot gun they kept for killing gophers in the farm fields. He told me he wanted to kill his father.

I should have ran.

Never to look back.

But I stayed.

I tried to soothe him and remind him that there was only one more year before we were to leave for college, together. I tried to remind him that I loved him and that I was there for him. Always.

Stupid teenager.

Weeks passed, the tension in his home had subsided a bit. I only ever went there when his father was not expected home. This particular time, the boy had come to my house.

As we sat out front in his car we began to fight. I can’t even remember what the fight was about but  I do remember him threatening to hit me. The words stung so bad, but I quickly forgave him, blaming his upbringing for this change.

I convinced myself that it wasn’t his fault.

I convinced myself that this was okay…