Sorry for the sporadic posting and nothing of interest lately. I am really just not feeling it lately; in fact, I’m not feeling much.

Winter blues combined with seemingly endless illness has brought my depression on – full strength. I have no ambition to do anything, I find myself spending most of my time lazing on the couch or sleeping. I feel weighted down, like I’m just a burden on everyone.

Mike and I have been constantly bickering and arguing over the simplest things and it’s tiring – and trying. I can’t handle being called a nag and a bitch all. the. time. Even when – what I think – is a small task is requested of him, he loses his shit saying that I’m constantly nagging and never shut up. Maybe he’s right and I just don’t see it. I mean, I don’t think I’m asking too much of someone to bring the cars back in the driveway after he shovels instead of leaving them in the road. Or even a simple question like, “Did you change Carter’s bum after nap” has him exploding at me like I’m treating him like a child.

Yes, we’re both in rough places right now with him trying to quit smoking and me sick and pregnant, but it’s far more trying when we’re at each other like this all the time.

I’m seriously ready to pack my shit and leave for the next 4 months. I don’t know that I can continue to live like this. I want a marriage left once everything’s all said and done. I want a family for my children – not what we have at this moment.

So, that’s where I am. To save you the woe is me posts and, for me, the realization that everyone really has their own shit to deal with, my problems meaning very little … I’ll be here and there but for now, mostly, there.

Sick again. Still, actually. Wednesday I came down with something, unable to even keep water down, I’ve slept through 28 of the past 48 hours. Thank God for daycare and Mike otherwise I think Carter would have been been locked in a closet. I’ve been stricken with the sick bug practically this entire pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s just that my immune system is compromised or I’m just a gluten for punishment. I’m really over it though. I don’t wanna be sick anymore. *pout*

Since Tuesday evening I’ve also been in a little more of a funk after hearing of the passing of Heath Ledger. I can’t even explain why I’ve been so profoundly impacted by this loss. Sure, I was a fan of his movies, I thought he was cute, but there was nothing really beyond that. Yet, I find myself sobbing at every photo I see. Deliriously upset by the fact that Matilda has been left without a father and the entertainment world has lost a shining star.

I have no connection or affiliation, yet I seem to be overwhelmingly depressed by this loss. It’s difficult to describe without sounding like a complete psychopathic stalker, so I’ll just blame it on the hormones.

I think death in Young Hollywood affects me so greatly since I’m completely and utterly hormonal in the same age category as many of these stars. Britney and her meltdown, Lindsay Lohan and rehab, Brad Renfro’s overdose, and Heath. They have a different lifestyle, financial freedom and new found independence to accompany that wealth, unlike many of us their age, yet, for some reason it’s difficult not to find oneself comparing one to them. Once you take away the wealth and fame; they are the same. People trying to make a living and provide for themselves and loved ones.

The thought of Carter losing his father so tragically, so young, takes my breath away. I can’t even fathom the idea of him not have a memory of his father, or having to explain where daddy went and why he’s not coming back. In that sense, Heath’s passing has made it so much more emotional. There is a child involved. A child so dearly loved and cherished by a man that she, more then likely, will not remember; aside from what people tell her of him. My heart breaks for that young girl and her mother. Not to mention the rest of his family who never had the chance to say goodbye.

I just hope he went peacefully.

I always have little bursts of items to share but they really don’t warrant a post. I’m trying miniposts, but have no idea what I’m getting myself into as of yet, so they may disappear.

Random. That’s what today is. All topics that really aren’t worthy of a dedicated post and well, I just have nothing else. I had planned to subject you to Belinda’s dare but I didn’t get showered on Saturday and I wore PJ’s all day Sunday was really busy this weekend.

So, hold on tight cuz this bad boy is all over the map.

Bullet style!

• We have been a little more conscious of our spending, though much hasn’t changed as of yet. Got a new budgeting software to transfer existing online banking information over rather then hoping I got it all manually. Dare I say it’s actually FUN! to see the graphs and charts of our spending habits. Now all I have to do is transfer our budget information over and I’m all set. I think I may actually like this tracking money thing. (Does that make me nerdy?)
• Mike is – as far as I know, since I don’t go to work with him – 16 days smoke free. He hasn’t tried to escape outside for some odd chore to be done and he hasn’t smelled like smoke at all. I really, really hope this is it this time. I am beaming with joy that he’s actually succeeding, but it’s so hard to get my hopes up because he’s lied about it before.
• I’m contemplating starting up designing again. I really miss it and want to get back at it. There have been a few requests from people wanting to know when I’m going to start again, so I think it’s going to be sooner then later. But! I have to fight Mike for the computer now since he’s taken over with his latest addiction. Plus, I think I am in dire need of time to sit down and work on my own design. There is so much I want to change, but finding the time has been difficult since I never have a chance to get on my damn computer.
• Due to the conflict mentioned above, Mike thinks it time to put some money aside for a new laptop for me, including designing programs – bought from a STORE!
• I have a new job, within my job, that started yesterday (hence no post). I have to pretty much follow around a senior staff member and absorb all the information he has in his brain because (I haven’t been told officially, I just think) he’s close to retirement. He’s pretty much a wealth of knowledge that needs to be tapped prior to it all being gone with him when he leaves. So until I start my maternity leave in September, I am his shadow. (The perk: I get to boss people around – including senior engineers – to make sure they are completing their project budgets and following them throughout construction. I’m really looking forward to the new challenge (and kinda the bossing around too).
• Oh, and I wonder something – this domain is due for renewal in 2 weeks. I want to transfer the registration from it’s current location to where I have my hosting, but they charge a fee. Should I wait for it to expire and then buy it again (hoping that someone doesn’t scoop it from me) or do I suck it up and pay twice. Anyone with prior experience with domain transfer, please shed some light.

I think that’s it for now.

So look for Temptation Designs! to be opening up shop again real soon! So I can work on making my budget look prettier and more back then red. M’kay?

Ya, feed reader count is back to normal. Normal being about 20, 200 LESS readers then what I had yesterday.

Dawn recommended that I should of taken a screen shot for the memories. As I told Dawn: Day late and a dollar short my bloggy friend.

And though, I love my dear readers, it’s a little saddening to see what seems like such a minuscule number now. So do me a favour and hook me up in your reader. Make me feel famous again!

Oh, and Sara… Nice entry yesterday. You can have your knee pads back, I’m sure you need them more then I. *giggle*

I enjoyed the comments about the feeds though (here and at Sara’s) they gave me a good laugh. See, I’m a good sport, I can take a joke like that.

But when it’s your turn watch out. I WILL take full advantage. I say, if you’re gonna dish it out, I hope you can take it.

You’ve been warned. *Muwahahahahaha*

And also big squishy hugs and kisses to those who commented on my second post yesterday. Since I’m so HORMONAL! lately, they brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate them all, and it’s great to know that – even though I really told you nothing of the situation – you’re here for me. I truly am grateful.

Love you! Kisses!

I look like I’m trying to pinch a loaf.

When there is stuff going on in one’s life it’s not always easy to talk about it, and talking about it on an open forum – such as a blog like this one – is just impossible. You know, stuff that’s just eating at oneself, yet one cannot openly express their feelings.

Having an outlet available and not being able to use it is comparable to torture sometimes.

I have an issue at the moment that I just can’t seem to discuss. It’s been causing high anxiety, stress, and fear. I worry about mundane things often and this mundane thing has manifested into a full blown issue causing rifts between my family, my husband and myself. Something that has been avoided for a long while and its taken on a life of its own. I think about it constantly and worry about the outcome, though, I feel like I’m the only one which makes me feel worse.

I hate to be so vague; I feel guilty for writing cryptically. But I have to talk about not talking about it in a way that I can still talk about it, but not. Get it?

I feel caught in the middle of something that no one will talk about. Including me. It’s brought up and then quickly dismissed; it’s haunting – like that huge 9000 pound elephant sitting in the corner of the room that no one wants to admit they see, just hoping that it will find its own way out. That elephant is holding a lot of animosity and frankly, it’s getting pissed that no one wants to acknowledge its presence.

Just had to get that out.

Topic ideas are just not coming to me these days. Fluid and complete thoughts seem to be something of the past.

Is this what they mean by mommy (or pregnancy) brain?

When I think I have a great idea, I roll with it, then it always seems to fall short. For example: I sat on the couch last night taking photo after photo of myself trying to get a decent mug shot picture for my sidebar – the stupid grin has run it’s course, plus I hate the fuckin’ seaweed green background; makes me gag. So I clicked away, then began thinking: hey this might make for an interesting a funny another craptacular entry. How many do I have to take my own picture before it would be something I’m willing to share with my readers?

[Speaking of readers, check out the right sidebar, at the top - where it says 20,382 readers subscribe to my blog. What the fuck? When did that happen? That tallying computer is playing with me. It senses how vulnerable I am when I comes to acceptance and it's just plain ol' fucking with me. Fucker. I scoff at you, you evil tally computer thingy.]

Back to the pictures. So I thought of witty statements and tried to actually prepare ahead of time before posting some garbage random piece of crap entry about nothing.

I forgot the image card at home.

Now I have nothing.

And you have this random piece of crap.

I’ve mentally mapped out my response to Ninja Poodles! dare, and hope to have time to actually do that within the next six months soon too. What can I say? I’m just no good at prepared posts. I guess I’m just a write and hit publish kinda gal.

Tell me your tricks. How do you prepare a post ahead of time? Teach me ol’ wise bloggers. Let me learn your ways of meaningful blogging.

Hard to believe that more then 20, 000 people find this entertaining isn’t it.

[I bet tomorrow I'll have one lone reader, which will be ME since I subscribe to my own feed.]

Soother, binky, dummy, doh-doh, pacifier, or sooie (sue – e) as we call it.Either way, they are no longer used in The House of Me. Carter has been nearly two weeks Sooie free in preparation for his move up to the Jr. Pre-school class at daycare. Surprisingly, it was not as difficult to get him over it as we had initially thought it would be.

Nights where he would NOT sleep without Sooie. Nights of screaming and crying and carrying on while we withheld the wondrous sucking apparatus. That’s what I envisioned. I was terrified to try and start the extraction process, but it seems that we’ve let it run it’s course and he no longer asks for it. Simple as that.

As you scoff at me and the simplicity of the situation, I’ll let you in on what we did – completely un-choreographed.

One day I put him down for nap sans Sooie. He kept insisting for it, not wailing and carrying on as I suspected he might, but insisting nonetheless. I had no idea where a single Sooie was and just didn’t want to look for one because I’m so damn lazy. I told him that I would look for one and be right back.

I lied.

I just left and didn’t return.

He fell asleep.

Following Christmas holidays, when Carter returned to daycare, they didn’t have one there for him. At nap time they simple told him; “Mommy forgot to send one today.” and so he put his little head down and slept.

No qualms.

There has been no request since.

Don’t hate me just yet, it’s just luck I think. The next kid will be a complete nightmare.

For those that don’t do the transition as well as Carter has (so far) there are other rituals that parents may follow to empower their children to feel as though they are the ones making the decision to forego the soother.

One thing that I learned about, which I thought was totally fun! and awesome! was the Pacifier Tree in Denmark.

The Pacifier Tree, originally uploaded to Flickr by peff.

There is a tree where children come with their parents to give their Sooies to the Pacifier Fairy – a kind of closure for the children I suppose.

What have you done to get your little one to give up the pacifier?

Look for the follow up in a couple days where I’ll tell you about MY transition from thumb sucking.

I still remember it well, since it wasn’t that long ago.