There’s been posts (and blogs) cropping up all over The Blogz about a very faux pas topic. Something that seems to be very much a social blunder to talk about. A topic that has remained, until now, silent and forbidden.
Marriage.
Mamma Loves pointed out something very interesting in her post “The Post I Might Delete Later” which I really hope she doesn’t:
As I wander through the blogosphere I read about a vast number of topics that are finally seeing the light of day. Moms are opening up about topics ranging from sex to the trials of PPD. Women are discussing the frustration and heartbreak of infertility. People of all walks of life are sharing the trials of serious illness, depression, racism, bullying, addiction, the death of loved ones and abuse. These brave people are sharing a part of themselves in a way that allows the rest of us to not feel so alone in the world. In my mind, they are the pillars of the social networking community.
What I’ve noticed though is that there seems to be one topic that remains fairly off limits (unless addressed anonymously). I understand why. Many people have discussed their reasons for not talking about it.
I couldn’t have said it better myself, so I didn’t bother trying.
If you think marriage is easy, you’re fooling yourself. Plain and simple; that’s what I believe.
I will admit when I finally did agree to marriage, after a five year engagement, I thought I knew everything and that we were meant to be and everything was bliss. I mean, how could I not? At that time I’d been living with the man for four years and I thought I’d seen it all. I knew what I was getting myself into.
Wrong.
Nothing. Nothing prepares you for what comes of a marriage. There’s just something about that commitment being made where all hell breaks loose and it’s no holds bared from the day the honeymoon is over.
On top of being sick, hormonal, bitchy and pregnant, I’ve been dealing with something much more pressing. I’ve been contemplating writing this for some time and have put it off because, well, it’s comfy behind that facade. It’s easier to pretend that everything is perfection and there is such thing as Marital Bliss.
Mike and I are both very passionate, strong-willed and stubborn people. Coming from broken homes, we have both witnessed parental fights, resentment and divorce. Over the past eight years, we’ve unintentionally fallen into the same pattern. Recently, our marriage has consisted of a constant barrage of verbal assaults, emotional abuse and constant reminders of the others faults. (For the record there is NO physical abuse – unless you count the time(s) that I’ve thrown pillows at him in anger.) It wasn’t always like this, but over time stresses of parenthood, work and money has eroded our strong foundation to a cracked and leaky mess.
We’re not a team anymore.
There is no united front.
We’re on opposing teams in a losing battle.
With our children in the middle.
Last night was another step in the wrong direction. After a constant barrage of hurtful quips and snarky comments flying around, I slept in the spare room. While lying there, alone, wondering where it all went wrong, I came to the realization that I think we need help: this isn’t going to fix itself. Not anymore.
I came into this marriage with full intentions of not quitting. Not backing out and not letting my children live in such a volatile environment; not like the environment Mike and I, as children, were accustomed to. We made this promise to ourselves and we’re failing. Miserably.
Marriage counsellings? A break from each other? Something. We have to do something to get out of this revolving honeymoon stage of fighting, making up for a day or two, fighting again. If not for us. For our children.
I’m not ready to give up. I don’t want a divorce. I just want to fix what’s broken. I know we can, I still remember what it’s like to want to hug and cuddle with the man I love. I still remember what it’s like to laugh and joke with him. I want to forget what it feels like to not want to be in the same room as him. I want to forget how hurtful and mean we can be to each other.
I just want to love him again.
The Other Dawn says:
I’m sorry. We go in cycles at my house, and when things are in the downswing we talk about “seeing someone”– which my hubs won’t do. My rationale is this:
“We’ve been together a long time. I think if we could have figured it out, we would have by now. We only know one way– and it’s not working for us. Let’s talk to someone who might have some other ideas about how we could do this better.”
You’ve heard the saying, “When your only tool is a hammer, everything around you looks like a nail?” Well, Hubs and I were beating the crap around us, and we just need new tools. I know we’ll be back to that place again. I hope that your hubs is as willing as you to fight for it. Because I think marriage takes the spirit of a prize fighter.
The Other Dawn’s last blog post..H2OMG
March 11th, 2008 at 10:23 am
The Other Dawn says:
“Beating the crap around us?” WTF. I meant beating the crap out of each other, metaphorically speaking, of course.
The Other Dawn’s last blog post..H2OMG
March 11th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Karen Halls says:
I found your site on google blog search and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. Just added your RSS feed to my feed reader. Look forward to reading more from you.
Karen Halls
Karen Halls’s last blog post..A Look At Drug Addiction
March 11th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Miss Britt says:
Honey, I was just getting ready to comment here “babe, read my post, there is hope and I feel you” when I got your comment email.
People need to talk about the sucky part of marriage. It reminds us that these breakdowns are normal. And fixable. And not a sign of some terrible mistake or flaw on our part.
I know going through this while your pregnant has to be 100 times worse.
(((((HUGS))))) <— that’s big hugs.
And if you ever need a shoulder or something – I’m just an email away.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..After The Rose Colored Glasses
March 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
samarama ding dong says:
The Other Dawn: He’s agreed that he would see someone before heading to divorce, only I don’t know if he’s said it to appease me when we were in the “make up” stage.
I just hate, hate, hate the fighting. Especially in front of Carter because I still, so vividly, remember the fights between my parents AGES ago.
I may have to try – at least call his bluff if that’s the case.
Britt: More tears. Thanks Britt!! *hugs*
I think that’s why your post made me cry. It’s nice to know that there is hope – and you’re proof!
March 11th, 2008 at 10:44 am
MammaLoves says:
Thank you for writing this!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and how we write about the challenges since I published that post. Marriage, life, parenthood it’s all so hard and when you try to do it all at the same time?? And in the end? We just want to not feel so alone in the middle of our “family.”
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your thoughts. The fact that you are willing to talk about it bodes well. I hope you’ll continue the conversation. I’m just an email away if you want to.
MammaLoves’s last blog post..Dammit Eliot!
March 11th, 2008 at 11:31 am
samarama ding dong says:
Mamma Loves: Thank you for your original post!! It’s hard enough to talk about something so close to home. Failure or trouble times are never an easy topic to broach in the first place, but to know there are people willing to take the risks and to call us on it makes it even easier.
There’s enough hiding behind these facades of perfection in the world, I don’t see why we’re ashamed to stand up and admit that we’re having a hard time. be it weight, children, marriage, money… these things that we’re not willing to let our guard down about are things that we ALL struggle with at some point. It’s not fair to ourselves to keep it in and pretend all the time!
So thank you!!
March 11th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Hilly says:
The last line of this post made me tear up. Why? Because I feel the exact same way. I just don’t feel any love for my husband and wish I could get it back. I try and try and try and can’t find it anymore.
I agree that marriage is not easy. People who are single and cry about being single make me smile because I think that they should enjoy what they have now, heh.
This was a great post and maybe someone will let me guest post somewhere so that I can talk freely about how my marriage is a crumble fest…
Hilly’s last blog post..Snackie’s Confession Booth: March Madness!
March 11th, 2008 at 11:52 am
samarama ding dong says:
Hilly: Was that a hint? LOL!!
Dude, my house is your house. You’re always welcome here. Let me know when’s best for you!
* hugs * I can’t tell you how great it feels to write a post as difficult as this and have all this great feedback from you guys!
March 11th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
MammaLoves says:
Hilly,
Feel free to camp out at my house whenever you’d like. Actually, I was thinking this post hit such a nerve that I might try to get a few people to weigh in on the discussion.
Mamma
MammaLoves’s last blog post..Dammit Eliot!
March 11th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
justmylife says:
During the first year of our marriage, my husband and myself were separated more than we were together, then we grew up. Everyone fights and my hope for you is that you can come out of the other side a happy, healthy couple. After 20 years of marriage, I wonder why I am still married to him sometimes. We stopped fighting a long time ago. We now avoid each other when we get mad. It’s not healthy and sometimes I just want to scream, “Fight with me dammit! We are worth the fight!” When fights become the norm, it’s time to get help or sit down and take a good long look at the marriage and talk. I feel like the old women here, being married so long. Good Luck! Love is worth holding on to but so is your sanity. You know we are all her to listen and offer advice.
justmylife’s last blog post..It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood!
March 11th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Krystle says:
For a girl who’s getting married in 6 months… you just scared the shit outta me. Which is good. Reality is always good to hear. Marriage isn’t all honky dory… it’s hard, it’s very hard, and for Chris and I to be two nasty stubborn people who each know where to push each others buttons verbally to each other when we really don’t mean it, it’s hard. It doesn’t happen often by any means, but when it does… it hurts. You know how it is, as I just read what I read.
Huge ((((HUGS)))) to you… you knocked some sense into me. Marriage is a good thing, but… it can be a bad thing too. That’s when you just push on, and get through it.
I’ll pray for you… things will look up, and that’s great that Mike is willing to get help. That’s a normal thing, and alot of people are embarassed for admitting it. It’s a fact of life; we’re not all perfect all the time
even though we’d like to be… there are LOTS of bumps in the road, but having willpower, you will get through this. All 4 of you.March 11th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Hilly says:
While it wasn’t a hint (hahaha), I would take up anyone on the offer, seriously. I’ve got some things to say, whooo doggie
.
Hilly’s last blog post..Snackie’s Confession Booth: March Madness!
March 11th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
samarama ding dong says:
justmylife: You’re no old woman! I appreciate the insight and when fighting is the norm, it’s sure a wake up call that something has to be done. Hopefully we are able to do something about it and it’s not too late.
Krystle: I didn’t mean to scare the shit outta you!! Marriage can be all kindsa good, but it can be bad too. It’s no ever lasting honeymoon, that’s for sure. You’re going to do fine! Just remember to talk to each other, share stuff that’s on your mind and be considerate. Without that, you’ll be like me! KIDDING! (kinda)
March 11th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Candy says:
Well then. This certainly struck a nerve with me today, because things aren’t great, and I don’t write about it. I guess no one wants to admit they’re not happy, and not really doing anything about it.
Candy’s last blog post..The Carpet’s All Paid For, God Bless the TV**
March 11th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
samarama ding dong says:
Candy: It’s hard to share. I won’t lie. But you know, it actually feels GREAT to get it out and get feedback from others. That part does help!
March 11th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
flutter says:
I can’t imagine the difficulty of a marriage. I’m not married, only living in a considerable amount of sin…but relationships are such hard work and when that love slips away it can seem like an insurmountable task.
But to me, the fact that you want to try, seems to me that you DO love him
flutter’s last blog post..My archnemisis, the Altima
March 11th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Don Mills Diva says:
This was a really brave post Sam. I think the first step IS admitting that you need some help. I hope you get it and that you guys make it because I believe marriage is almost always worth saving. Good luck….HUGS!
Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..Tell me sweet little lies
March 11th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
LD says:
I’ve been there. So much. And we go back and forth. Our marriage has highs and lows. When we’re in a high point I can’t IMAGINE why he drives me insane. At a low point I hate him.
But, I’ll be honest with you. We’ve gone to marriage counseling – 3 times. It’s not fun. It’s very hard and at times sad and accusatory. But, like you, I’m in it for the long run and I’m willing to do what it takes. We’ve also lived apart for awhile – it was hard (especially since my son was about 10 months and I had PPD but I needed space). It was a short time. It was not our best choice.
I really really really recommend getting someone to help. Find someone you trust and like and who listens to both of you. Sometimes a neutral party who helps to explain your point of view is helpful.
Don’t read this as me saying that now our marriage is perfect. On the weekend I was in tears and throwing clothes at my husband (at least it wasn’t knives), but we have both learned a lot of ways to deal with our anger and frustration, and we both kind of know where the line is, and at what point we need to do something whether it’s go back to counselling or go for a walk. A lot of what was really important for us was learning how to talk about stuff without arguing.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It really sucks. And being pregnant on top of it bites the big one because you’re extra emotional and then the argument gets blamed on being pregnant (or is that just me?)
LD’s last blog post..The hospital Bag
March 11th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
samarama ding dong says:
flutter: You’re right. Once the love starts slipping away it does really seem insurmountable. It’s seems like it will never come back and it’s this or nothing. You’re right. I do love him… I’m not ready for nothing; hopefully that’s a good sign.
Don Mills Diva: Thanks so much Kelly! That really means a lot!
LD: Some reason you keep ending up in the spam these past couple days. Yer a bad girl! Don’t stop commenting, I am pulling them out!!
THANK YOU!! Thank you for sharing that! The only thing that I have in the back of my mind is that if counseling isn’t a quick fix, then Mike will give up.I know it won’t be, but I can just see ANOTHER fight coming on because we’re spending all this money and yet there are still fights. Know what I mean?
March 11th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
candace says:
brave and honest post. and wonderful props to the other brave souls out there.
candace’s last blog post..I dreamt about the Clinton’s
March 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
samarama ding dong says:
Candace: It took a while to get out, but so glad I did!
March 11th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Discount Chica says:
i have been reading your blog for awhile… you are funny.
Just a thought:
I firmly believe that many fights can be avoided. It just takes one person to “let it go”, to be nice, and to be sweet. Since you can’t control what anybody else does (i.e.: your husband), that person may have to be you. And once you let it go, perhaps things will go a little more smoothly?
Easier said than done, right???
Discount Chica’s last blog post..Swiffer
March 11th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
samarama ding dong says:
Discount Chica: Hahaha, so right! So much easier said then done.
You’re very right though. It may just be in my best interest to concede a little more often. I just have to keep the mantra “Is this going to be important to me: 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 years from now?” That just may get me through (without ripping his head off and spitting down his throat).
March 11th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Worker Mommy says:
I LOVE that you wrote this. Marriage is not easy and my hubby and I sometimes do the same thing. Much like someone else said we go in cycles. Of course that makes me question why we can’t always be loving and understanding and talk rationally. ???
Worker Mommy’s last blog post..It’s Monday, lets talk about big uteruses and other things
March 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Krystle says:
No, don’t worry about literally scary the shit outta me… I didn’t mean it in a bad way! Just more of a wake up/reality “Life isn’t always rosie in marriage” kind of way. Talking is key but sometimes you just want to… you know… put their head face first in the toilet and flush. While dirty.
Bad Visual? Sorry!
Thanks though..
This is great that you were able to get this out. You’re getting incredible comments.
Go home and give Mike a big smackeroo on the lips!It kind of gives you renewed energy to go home and try to work things out the way you want them to be.March 11th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Worker Mommy says:
I’d love to go to counseling to understand how to work through the challenges and continue to always love and respect one another.
So more power to you if in fact you do decide to go to counseling.
It shows how much you do care for him and your relationship.
Wishing you all the best!!
Worker Mommy’s last blog post..It’s Monday, lets talk about big uteruses and other things
March 11th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Queen of Shake Shake says:
I lost the desire to snuggle and cuddle with my husband. It was around the time, I dunno, I had small children hanging on me all the live long day and nigh. That time has passed and I still don’t want to cuddle with him that much. We’ve been together almost 15 years for pete’s sake. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.
We went thru a spell (read months) where all we did is fight and couldn’t remember why we married. The one thing I couldn’t handle was the no fun and laughter between us anymore.
Those parenting young children years are TOUGH. We forgot what it was like to be a couple. For me, I had to lighten up and start having fun again. Before long Wally caught on to the fun idea too and the energy started shifting.
To borrow Oscar Wilde’s idea, marriage is too important to be taken seriously.
I also had to evaluate my expectations of marriage and my husband. Some things about marriage we’ve been trained to buy into when we really need to let it go and find a new way.
I hope things start changing for you soon.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..The Goody Bag of Crap Strikes Back
March 11th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
gorillabuns says:
I’m no help since I kinda sorta like my husband right now but it hasn’t always been this way. We have been to couple’s counseling and have DEFINITELY had rough patches thrown our way. For some reason, we are doing okay. Things could always be better but I’m not pushing it.
I wish you so much luck and help in getting through this time. You SHOULD have a partner to lean upon when the times are rough. It shouldn’t be a one-man show.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
sizzle says:
Wanting to love him again can go a long way. Hopefully he feels the same and you two can work your way back to one another. Counseling has helped my friends who were struggling with this. I hope you find what works for you both.
sizzle’s last blog post..That’s Not the Way to Do Business
March 11th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
mrs. chicken says:
We’ve been there, too, honey, and not too long ago. All I can say is that it IS hard work to shore up that foundation, but it is a very worthwhile endeavor. Wishing you peace in your heart and the strength you need to get through this.
March 11th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
samarama ding dong says:
WorkerMommy: It’s frustrating when you can sit and talk rationally one second and then the next it’s a no hold bared fight. And it’s usually something petty and meaningless which makes it all the more harder.
Krystle: You’re so right! All the support has been overwhelming! I’m really so grateful!!
WorkerMommy: Thanks. You know, I’m kinda interested just to hear what they have to say about our relationship. Things that we could change so that we’re not on this horrible cycle forever.
Queen: You know, re-evaluating my marriage and husband is not such a bad idea. Sure, I’ve had expectations of what it was going to be like, I think we all do. But we’ve been together since college – which is a rather impressionable time – and thins change, people change and maybe we just have to find ourselves again. Find the people that we are now, not who we were.
I like Oscar Wilde’s idea too!
Gorillabuns:Thanks for the well wishes. I really think counseling might be the route for us at this point. Before things deteriorate any further.
sizzle: I think we both realize that things are rough, but I *think* we’re both in love with each other. We’re just so frustrated with our expectations of each other that it’s really put or relationship in a tough spot. I am really leaning towards counseling now though, even if it’s just to get a better picture of WHO we are.
Ms. Chicken: Thanks friend! That means so much!!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Michelle says:
Congrats on being brave enough to admit you are struggling. Wishing you all the best.
Michelle’s last blog post..If you have a minute
March 12th, 2008 at 8:41 am
samarama ding dong says:
Michelle: As hard as admitting really was, I feel so much better about it now! Thanks for the well wishes!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Brenda says:
oh hon I’m so sorry. Marriage is very hard work. I’ve been married now for 8.5 years, and though we’ve had a few rough patches here and there, we’ve done considerably well.
First off, I’m very determined to make it work. I don’t agree with divorce, so for me the only reason I would ever leave the marriage would be if he physically hurt me or the kids.
Secondly, it’s a lot of sacrifice and compromise. You really have to let go of your pride. It’s not about being “right” all the time…but about coming to a solution you both can live with. We had a huge arguement the other day about the toaster oven on the kitchen counter. I want it there, he doesn’t. Is it really that important? Is arguing all day over a toaster oven really that important in the grand scheme of things…just to prove I’m right? Not really. I gave up my pride, put the toaster oven in the basement, and let it go. All about sacrifices.
Thirdly, it’s also about communication. I’ve learned that without good communication a marriage will fail. Both partners must be willing to talk and discuss what’s wrong, what’s bothering them, etc. Hubby and I talk every day about our days, our nights, the kids, everything.
I’m by no means an expert…we’ve had our share of hard times (when I went through PPD twice….and infertility…that put a huge strain on our relationship.) But we were able to work it out because we love each other. I can’t imagine life without him.
You are so brave for talking about this. I really hope things work out. I’m sure you two will come up with a solution and make it work. I’m praying for you.
Brenda’s last blog post..Honestly….I swear
March 12th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Shania says:
Thank you for this post (and thanks to Mrs. Chicken for sending me here). We’ve been married ten years, and its been good for probably six of those. Your last line really brought it home for me. I told him last night that if he were to walk out the door that second, it would be a relief. And I meant it. Then. But thanks for the second thoughts.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:26 am
samarama ding dong says:
Brenda: Thank you Brenda! That really means a lot. And I remember some of the hard times that you shared between you and your husband. I remember how it was for you during those years of infertility. I’m really glad that things are back on track for you!!
Shania: Ya, I’ve said that FAR too many times. But when I actually think about it. I know I don’t mean it. It’s not that I can’t survive financially or as a single parent.. it’s him. I’d actually miss him because when it’s good – it’s really good…and I know it would be FAR to hard on our son (who’s nearing 3 yr).
March 12th, 2008 at 10:32 am
How it all started. « Justmylife-mygripespot’s Weblog says:
[...] by justmylifemygripespot I read a post yesterday that got me to thinking, you can find it here ( http://www.temporarilyme.com/2008/03/11/from-behind-the-facade/ ). (One of these days I will learn that neat trick where you can “hide” the link, but [...]
March 12th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
ali says:
hugs, hon. it was so very brave to write this post.
marriage is TOUGH. it’s SO tough. and no one likes to talk about the shitty parts.
ali’s last blog post..no pressure, no problem, no service?
March 12th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Jennifer says:
I wish I could write this EXACT post on my blog.
This is my life.
I’m sorry it’s hard for you right now, too.
Jennifer’s last blog post..How Do Cable Companies Get Away With Telling Us They’ll Be There Between 8 and Never
March 13th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Chicky Chicky Baby says:
As someone who has been there before and decided on divorce let me tell you that divorce is the last thing you want if it can be avoided. Try the counseling first. If for some reason things still don’t work out (and I’m keeping all my fingers crossed for you that everything gets better) you can at least say you tried.
Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post..Chicky is a Punk
March 13th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Al_Pal says:
Oof. Seems like you are doing better now, and I’m glad for that.
Courageous post, and yes, one that more people need to see this type of to feel less alone!
I’m very fortunate in that while my partnerMan and I are both passionate, we’re also pretty mellow and not prone to fighting. Happily unmarried & no kids which makes things a helluva lot easier. We fight sometimes, but it is pretty darned rare! We are scared of the negative impact that marriage could have on our relationship. Who knows. I don’t like to put too much out in public, but if you want to follow up by email that is fine.
Good Luck!
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 am
Al_Pal says:
Heh. I forgot that I had commented here before… since then, we got engaged. ;p
We’ve actually been talking about some really deep stuff recently. Relationships are an adventure, for sure. ;p
June 16th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Temporarily Me in Toronto at Canada Blog Friends says:
[...] I marveled at the honesty and the bravery of her self documentation – she had the courage to step out from behind the façade and face reality in confessional writing that becomes the ultimate public self exploration. The [...]
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:51 pm