March 12th, 2008
I am overwhelmed and complete grateful for the support regarding my past entry. I can’t even put it into words.
Sharing something so personal and heart wrenching is difficult no matter the audience. It’s not easy to admit that there is trouble in paradise but having the support and love of friends - because that’s what you all are - makes all the difference in the world. I just hope my post encouraged even one person to feel they can open up and share what’s on their mind.
Step out from behind the facade and face reality.
Marriage is a topic that we shouldn’t cower away from. We know it’s not easy, we know there are other marriages just like ours, but when we all sit pretty and pretend that life is simple, happy and always easy we’re only kidding ourselves. To be able to open up in a public forum - like a blog - about the death of a loved one, rape, mental health, etc. but not be able to talk about marriage troubles? It baffles me. How does marriage talk differ from the other difficult topics we cover?
I am guilty as well, like I said yesterday: it’s comfy behind the facade. Sure, I’ve sat here and joked about things he does that have gotten under my skin, but those posts barely scratched the surface of what we’ve been facing up to now.
I thought about printing out my post and putting it on the fridge last night. I thought that maybe if he saw more of my raw feelings and thoughts - without me vocalizing them while fighting - he may have a better glimpse of me. I don’t know what kept me from doing it: fear that it may cause another rift? Worry that he may not feel the same way? Or just plain ol’ not wanting to face the issue anymore that day. From writing that post and reading your comments, I was surprised just how emotionally draining it all was.
I did, however broach the topic of counseling which went over rather well. He doesn’t think that we need it, we just need to talk more and behave like adults - more civil with each other; but if I feel that it’s something that would help us, even uncover any underlying issues that have been causing us to treat each other the way we have, then he’s game. I’ll take some time over the next couple days to review what, if any, is covered by our employee benefits and then budget additional monies for it, as well as investigate some local help. I realize it’s not a quick and easy fix - which I’m totally fine with - I just hope that things don’t change further in the meantime.
We did share a long embrace as I cried and told him how much I loved him and I wasn’t willing to walk away from this marriage. He kissed me and told me that as far as he was concerned, that wasn’t even an option.
Here’s to hope.
Oh Friend, I am so happy he feels that way..”that wasn’t even an option”.
I have been thinking about you guys a lot over the past few days and was just praying that things will work out between you guys. Heck…you and Mike have been this way since the day you started going out….even BEFORE then. Not saying that you’ve been “rocky”, but more so that you have always poked at each other and called each other names in fun…that is who Sam and Mike are…ask anyone
I’m glad that you are being proactive about seeking help and not waiting until the last straw. If you need anything, you better ask me..I am here for you…and Mike too!
Love you
March 12th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I’m a little late, but I wanted to say that I have been there (like a lot of us). For a long time, I avoided counseling, even though I knew it was probably the right thing to do (not that mr b wanted it - but a close family member tried to gently suggest it several times). I guess it seemed like a failure or something, even though a worse failure was what our marriage had become. Now I can honestly say it has helped. Things aren’t perfect, but they are much better, and I have actually had someone close to me comment that our relationship seemd better (even though we didn’t talk about the problems nor did she know we were in counseling).
It has helped me to learn not to be a victim so much, and it definitely helped to have a non-biased person tell mr b about the things that - coming from me - were discounted as nagging. And it helped him see how he was reacting to me and the kids and his stress and how it was affecting us.
Gina’s last blog post..How NOT to Get the Job
March 12th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Jen: Thanks friend! You’re right. We’ve always been really hard on each other - in fun.. but this part’s not fun. The bickering over pointless and stupid things and constantly arguing over what others would shake their head at and think we’re crazy….I love you too!
Gina: I think the biggest thing is everything I say being discounted as nagging. It gets me so mad! Having someone completely unbiased to the situation just may shed some light on how a) I say things to Mike and what tone cause it to be discounted as nagging (something I could work on) and b) how I feel that I have to give direction for everything because otherwise nothing will get done..
Seeing as we both work full time, I’m extremely resentful that all the parental and housecleaning duties fall on me. It’s been a HUGE bump (or mountain) that we have yet to overcome.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Well that’s just awesome. I’m glad he feels that way. Hope is awesome.
Michelle’s last blog post..If you have a minute
March 12th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Michelle: Thanks Michelle! Yeah, I feel a little better about it all, but this could just be the start of another cycle so I’m not getting my hopes up. Even though things are good for the smidgen of time that it’s been. I know we still need some help/support from an outside source.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Glad you got the chance to talk and let him know that the two of you may need outside help. It is the first step in a long walk to getting back to where you both want to be. Sending good thoughts, love and prayers your way.
justmylife’s last blog post..It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood!
March 12th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Hope is powerful!
March 12th, 2008 at 11:34 am
He kissed me and told me that as far as he was concerned, that wasn’t even an option.
Oh Sam… That sentence made me tear up! There is the devotion and adult coming out in him, and the love he has for you.
Sending wonderful thoughts your way.
Krystle’s last blog post..Slowly…
March 12th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Oh, honey, I hope you guys work everything out. Keep working on it. And repeat to yourself what he said…Its not an option to walk away!
Karly’s last blog post..It Really Is The Best Part
March 12th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
justmylife: Thank you!! We need to talk more, but I was an emotional mess, I couldn’t have handled a full blown conversation. I think it was a decent start though.
sizzle: Amen! Let’s hope it’s powerful enough!
Krystle: Thanks girl! I can use all the wonderful thoughts I can get!
Karly: Thanks friend!!
March 12th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Those were two amazing posts. When I read your first one, I was so blown away by the truth of it all. I’ve been in that situation and I can honestly say that counselling WORKS.
It is amazing to have an open-minded third party sitting there listening. To me, it felt like a safe environment to discuss any and all issues. The fact that it was a timed meeting meant that whatever the argument was, it wasn’t going to linger over days, that the counseller would be there to guide us towards a resolution by asking the right questions. The counseller also kept the discussion on track by not letting us throw in past problems, something that couples have a tendency to do.
It has nothing to do with “being an adult” or “knowing your own marriage”. Sometimes you just need someone neutral to bring you back onto the right path, someone who will help you find out why you strayed from it in the first place.
Ainsley’s last blog post..So, about Spring…
March 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Ainsley: Very well said. Thank you Ainsley!! And a definite plus would be keeping the conversation on track and throwing in past troubles!
March 12th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I sat down to write my post this morning when my husband interrupted me to get on my case about money…again. As I walked back upstairs to hide in my office, I noticed him looking at me with such vile disdain.
Needless to say, I will be writing my post and begging one of you to guest host it….soon!
Hilly’s last blog post..Video Post: Hilly-Sue Does Her Quiz Dare!
March 12th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Fantastic update on the state of “things” in your house. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you wrote. The way you opened up, shared such personal and raw emotions and I think writing about it helped sort of pull the scab off the infected wound to allow it to heal. I’m SO glad he’s willing to go to therapy. Two years ago, my husband “almost” crossed the line and we very briefly separated over his betrayal. I’ve barely touched on the subject on my blog but he’s completely unwilling to even consider therapy. We’re better, not all better but better. We learned a lot about each other during the healing process and feel like we’ve come out the other side in a much better relationship. But FUCK was it hard.
Keep sharing. Keep optimistic and most of all, keep loving each other. I have such hope for you.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Definitely worth the effort, Sam! I have been where you are and it isn’t fun… but it can get better.
March 13th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Hilly: Let me know when you’re ready, I’ll have the
whinewine and cheese ready - sparkling grape juice for me. *pout*Pam: Thanks Pam!! Ya, things are on the upswing for the time being, hopefully it continues, but I’m still very much for therapy. I think it would really do wonders for us.
I’m glad that things have improved for you and your hubby!
Shawna: I remember you talking a little about being in this position. I’m glad that things have improved for you friend!!
March 13th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I’m glad you both are willing to try. That’s a huge step. It’s a long battle with a lot of work, but if you both are willing it will be worth the effort. Hang in there. (((HUGS))))
Brenda’s last blog post..6 word memoir
March 13th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I’m really glad you at least got things opened up a little.
One of the reasons I haven’t broached the idea of counseling to him, is because I have secrets and I don’t know if I want to share them. I might actually have to admit to both of us I don’t love him the way I used to, and where do we go from there?
It’s a tough road. Thanks for opening up the dialog.
Candy’s last blog post..Sing it, Tammy
March 13th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I’m a little late getting here to read all this, but I just gotta say that I’m glad you shared this with us. Marriage really isn’t easy. It’s a lot of work. My first marriage became a disaster. It was difficult and eventually became abusive. It took me a long time to get up the courage (and the money) to just walk out. Though I’m sure it wouldn’t have changed the outcome, I would have loved to have had a place to talk about what was happening. I felt like I went through much of it alone.
I hope the two of you are able to get things to a place where you are both satisfied. It’s a lot of work, but it sounds like you’re both willing. I think that’s so much of the battle.
Leslie’s last blog post..My Radical Little Feminist
March 23rd, 2008 at 4:58 pm