June 17th, 2008
Carter’s ability to listen has gone the way of the dodo bird. My patience have run very thin these days. Everything - EVERYTHING - has turned into a battle of wills with him. I don’t know that it’s the arrival of Hudson that’s caused this change in behaviour because it began before Hudson was born - but it’s dramatically increased over the past two weeks to the point where Mike and I are at our whits end when it comes to dealing with him. All the bribery in the world can’t get him to eat a meal, sit still or stop to change a wet pull up.
I won’t yell at him, but I do find myself raising my voice more often then I would like.
Growing up my mom was very passionate.
And by passionate I mean she liked to yell. A lot.
I blame it on the Hungarian heritage.
I promised myself that I would be a calm and understanding parent when I had children. I would reason with them and compromise rather then dictate. I would not raise my voice, hit or threaten.
I have yet to hit, but I have threatened and raised my voice more then I care to remember. It’s really a challenge not to fall into the patterns of discipline that my parents used on me. It just happens without even thinking about it; then when I take a step back, I realize that I’ve just done what I promised myself I would NEVER do.
He’s just so stubborn (like me) and very emotional (like me) which, I think, has caused our personalities to clash to the point where a blow up will ensue and I have to remind myself to step back and remember that I am the adult and I make the rules. Not him.
There’s also been a significant decrease in Mike’s ability to react rationally when Carter begins to tune us out - but he says that it’s because he’s changing tactics since Carter’s gotten away with so much for so long. I know it’s not too late to redirect this change in attitude, but where to start is the trouble.
Timeouts? I have an egg timer that I have set for three minutes (since timeout should last 1 minute for every year of age says a number of sources) and he sits on the stairs until the timer beeps. If he continues to talk or move the timeout lasts longer - but it’s proving to be ineffective.
The damn kid just won’t sit still.
And won’t shut the hell up.
He talks for the moment he wakes until he goes to bed.
And he refuses to nap during the day.
I am about one iota away from shaking him sometimes.
But I love him TOO much.
Lucky bugger.
I’ve begun a reward system where I give him stickers when he does something like I’ve asked since the kid is crazy about stickers.
[Stickers aren't just for potty anymore people!]
It’s also hit and miss most of the time.
Maybe he’s bored? Maybe I just suck as a companion for him and he’s not getting enough stimulation?
Maybe he’s just fuckin’ wired to the gills and I need a parenting course to figure out this child.
Maybe I should just start drinking more.
You’ve just described my daughter to a “T”. I was beginning to think I was the only one. Which is why I’m scared out of my mind to even contemplate having a second while she is in this stage.
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June 17th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Well, I haven’t got any kernels of wisdom I’m afraid, but I can bring out the sympathy card, we’re going through exactly the same with our toddler at the moment. He was horrendous after his little brother was born but *has* gotten better, although I have to admit to giving him a lil smack on the butt when he’s been warned and given many (probably too many) chances.
I hate to say it but it has seemed to prove to be the turning point, for us at least - he knows I’m not just threatening.
(*Waits to be hung, drawn and quartered*)
It WILL end honey, you’re doing great! Carter’s just finding it difficult to come to terms with the whole sharing his parents concept, but it’s not gonna hurt him, everyone’s got to learn to share after all! ((hugs))
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June 17th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Time outs never worked for my boys. I set the timer when they were still and quiet, one day I decided to see how long they would keep it up. They were in their bed for 6 HOURS!!! And that was before I set the timer! Once the timer was set, I reset it each time they talked or got up or did anything else they shouldn’t, after an hour I gave up! {{{{hugs}}}} It will get better, I promise! They have to move out at some point! heh!!!
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June 17th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
I don’t have any notes of wisdom, but just wanted to let you know we are going through similar things here.
Good Luck
Jenn
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June 18th, 2008 at 12:13 am
I have written this same post over and over again. I also grew up with a mom who yells and can’t seem to stop yelling.
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June 18th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Part of it is the age. He’s learning that he’s more independant of you and is testing boundaries…what he can get away with and what he can’t. What works and what doesn’t. He’s testing the waters. Every kid goes through it, and as frustrating as it is, it’s totally normal. (and I’m sorry to say it doesn’t end anytime soon either)
Part of it is the birth of Hudson. Ryan went through a horrible time of not listening, acting up, etc, when Kyle was born. It lasted a few months, until he realized this new child was here to stay and was not a threat to him. My guess is Carter is going through some jealousy issues and is afraid the baby is taking his place. He’s getting your attention the only way he knows how.
I really don’t have much advice though….we took it one day at a time. It’s difficult. But I tried to remember that Ryan was just learning, that this was all new to him, and he no longer was the “only child” and had to share everything. That’s hard for a child to deal with.
Hang in there. It will get easier.
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June 18th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Someone wise once said to me ‘kids don’t know maybe, they only know *yes* or *no*’
I think you sound spot on track… & we’re going through exactly the same here. Rowan has been different since Ella was born and it’s almost 2 years on. They just test and test and test the boundaries to check and double check the answer is still the same. I suppose the key is, the answer has to always be the same. No you still can’t draw on the walls, no you still can’t play with the toilet, strangle your sister, step on her head etc. etc.
I think it does get easier though… because you just get more adept at tuning *them* out a bit and delivering your stock responses.
I think you sound great and your boys are very lucky to have someone that cares so much about getting it right x
nutty mummy’s last blog post..Poo Gate.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I kind of think that describes age three.
Hang in there.
Matt tunes us out all the time, but I think you learn the whole punishment thing as you go along.
Don’t get me wrong. There are days (okay at least one time per day) where I want to throttle him, but then he redeems himself.
I think you’re on the right path
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June 21st, 2008 at 8:54 am