June 30th, 2008
As I begin to compare the relationship I’ve had with Carter during his infancy compared to how I relate to Hudson now, I see considerable differences.
[Yes, being a parent the second time around is easier since I've been there before. I am more calm, relaxed and ready for situations that may arise: but even still, this is different.]
When Carter arrived I wasn’t as attached as I had thought I would be. I never was uncomfortable or unsure of our relationship, but I was irritated and resentful more so then I am now. Carter’s cries used to be like nails on a chalk board in the middle of the night where as I find a comfort in Hudson’s. I feel the urge to comfort him rather then resent him for disrupting my sleep.
I remember sitting on the couch with Carter and bawling because I just wanted to go to bed; this time around I find myself relaxed and enjoying the peacefulness of the late night hours: though exhaustion is just as prevalent as last time, it doesn’t consume me like before.
I feel a sense of peace with Hudson.
I wish more then anything I could do back and have that with Carter.
I wish that I could be the calm and relaxed parent I am now when Carter was days old.
But there are no re-dos.
Now that I look back more frequently, I see more signs of my apparent PPD then I thought I had - considering I didn’t even know I had it.
Even though I can’t make up for the times that I wanted nothing more then to shake him as he wailed or the horrible thoughts I had of ways I could make him quite I can, and have, moved forward from there and have become the parent (I hope) that he deserves. I love him more then anything and it pains me to my very core that I had thoughts like that about my child.
The embarrassment I have just for having those thoughts is unbearable: and though they are ‘normal’ - and no one really knows about them since I never shared them with anyone - I can’t help but feel a sense of failure as a parent to Carter during his infancy.
I wish I could forget.
Though I can’t make up for how I was - since it wasn’t even my fault - I can be grateful that I have changed and the depression hasn’t taken control of me again.
God, I wish I had this blog during that time. Maybe having written it all down then would have brought it all to light a little sooner for me. Maybe I would have been able to see it later on, you know, rather then hearing it from a social worker while I was in the hospital a day after giving birth to Hudson.
And here I thought for the longest time - up until about 2 weeks ago - that it was situational depression that brought on my need for anti-depressants and now that my thoughts have cleared, hormones have evened out and we’ve settled into more of a routine it’s become more and more apparent to me that it just might have been PPD instead. It pains me to know that I went through all that ‘alone’ and in the dark since I was never told what I was facing and that only NOW I realize just what has been going on.
Had we not had Hudson, I really wonder if I would ever have known that I suffered from PPD.
see… this is why blogging is such an awesome thing. a community of women out there to talk, to listen, to advise…etc.
what a great post, Sam.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I heart you, Sam. Thank you for sharing.
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June 30th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I’m the other way around from you I guess… I was fine with our first born but second time around I’ve been diagnosed with PPD. I’m feeling better now, but I hate the thought that I didn’t want to be near my own son. I know now that it wasn’t ME, it was the ppd, the hormones all over the place, the complete lack of sleep, and everything just being too much for me at the time.
Thanks for sharing this, makes me feel a little more ‘normal’
*hugs*
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June 30th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Thanks for sharing! With Little Miss, I had those same thoughts. She had colic for 3 1/2 months, 7 days a week and it went on for 12 hours a day! I said I would never hurt her, but I could see how someone could snap. I thought I was the only one who thought those kind of thoughts! I feel better to know I was not alone, I wish I had found blogs sooner.
justmylife’s last blog post..Should’ve just stayed in the bed!
June 30th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Although I didn’t have PPD with my first, it is amazing how much more relaxed I am with my second. Rather then agonizing over everything I’m much better at rolling with the punches.
Jenn
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July 1st, 2008 at 12:06 am
From someone who had PPD both times, I understand. I truly believe it needs to be talked about more….and doctors and nurses really need to address it long before the baby shows up.
I feel the same way as you do about Carter. With Ryan, I couldn’t even take care of him the first few months. I feel I was a horrible mother for not being there for him. I know exactly what you are feeling.
So glad you are doing great this time around!
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July 1st, 2008 at 8:24 am
oh, i love the new look here. it’s so gorgeous!
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July 2nd, 2008 at 3:37 am
I just want to give you a big hug! I dealt with mild PPD after my first, but insane depression after my second. It’s not bad enough to deal with the depression, then to feel guilty about missed time when you were too depressed to parent. You’re right, you can’t undo what was. But be grateful that you are better now.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 5:26 pm
What a great post! Thank you for sharing. More women need to talk about this.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I so understand this.
I feel similar this time around too. I love Chloe so much and have just enjoyed almost every moment. I didn’t have these moments with Matt.
I know this time around I don’t have PPD. But, the crippling guilt I feel sometimes is horrible. I don’t think I really understood why till I read your post.
I’m just appreciating this time with him as well, and trying to make up for it.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 9:42 pm