This week couldn’t end fast enough. It’s just been one of those weeks where I’m overly tired, kids are a handful and I’ve been a little stressed about Mike and his new job and potential OTHER new job.
I also had an IUD put in again and I’ve been cramping like a mofo.
Was that an over share? Yes?
How about some more?
I started taking birth control when I was 15 years old, in grade 9, and very impressionable. Oddly enough it was kind of like, “all the girls are doing it” type thing, so some friends and I ventured over to the free clinic during lunch hour one day. We naively believed that we’d just walk in there say we wanted pills and we’d be off, fully prepared to have sex, you know, just in case the situation just presented itself. Surprise! It’s Sexy Time!
The three of us stood there, staring at the gargantuan container of FREE! condoms. We were mystified by the colours! and flavours! and so excited about the prospect of losing our virginity to a chocolate! condom. Oh, with. I mean WITH a chocolate condom.
The chocolate turned out to be the most vile and disgusting one.
Just so you know.
Ahem.
Beside that humongous container were brown paper bags.
Bags to fill! with! condoms!
And that we did. Grabbing handful after handful, I wondered if I had enough. In reality, I think I took enough for a small village. But dammit, I was going to have so! much! sex!
Giggling over our stashes, we sat and waited to talk to the nurse. You know to just tell her we wanted drugs and then be back in time for class.
Foolish, foolish slutty teenagers.
Little did we know that getting birth control was a huge process. That shit’s not just handed out like candy at a parade.
The nurse called my name, I was ushered into a small office packed to the roof with books, a desk and in the corner, an examination table. Beside the examination table, a huge floor lamp.
My pulse began to race.
OH! SHIT! I thought. OH!SHIT!OH!SHIT!OH!SHIT!OH!SHIT!
The doctor came in. She looked at me with questioning eyes and sat behind her desk.
‘What are you here for?’ she asked. I looked down, scanning her desk I came across a model of woman’s reproductive organs, I looked up towards her and past her to the medical poster of a man’s reproductive organs.
What the fuck do you think I’m here for? I wondered.
‘Um. Birth Control pills.” I state meekly.
“I see.” she said sternly, “are you sexually active?”
Haha! She said sexually! I thought. So mature, right? “Um. No. But I wanna be prepared. Just in case.”
In case? In case what? A penis just accidentally FALLS into my vagina?!
She accepted my shitty answer.
“All right then. We’ll set up an appointment for you to come back for your pap and then I can write you the prescription.” she stated as she scribbled on a pad of paper.
WHAT! THE! FUCK!?
“I don’t get them now?” I asked. So stupid child. So stupid.
“No. You have to have a physical first, then I can write the prescription for you, you slutty little teenager.”
So she scheduled the appointment. I walked out into the waiting room and was likewise met with ghastly white faces of my friends. It seems they also faced the same situation.
We whispered to each other about having to undergo a pap test and OMG! have the doctor look at our lady bits.
As I clutched the brown paper bag of coloured! and flavoured! condoms to my chest, I convinced myself it couldn’t be that bad. I mean, at least the doctor was FEMALE because OMG! I wouldn’t want a MAN looking at my lady bits!!
So much to learn young grasshopper. So much to learn.
{ 16 comments }
So, did you take your slutty self back and get your pills, or what?
Very funny post!!
Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..So I Gave Birth To An Axe Murderer
Damn straight I did!! I was gonna have sex – some time.
Hahahahaha… Oh the feeling of annnnnnnnnyone looking at our lady bits while in high school. Ha!
IUD. two words= fucking painful.
And that’s all I have to say about that!
Krystle’s last blog post..~An ear buds kind of day~
The million pieces of irony in this post just crack my ass up.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..You were right, Johnny.
it’s a wonder any of us turned out normal, isn’t it?
flutter’s last blog post..Sex and things related
you are going to LOVE the iud. i promise!
Oh this was funny.
I remember being sixteen and envying my friend with the irregular periods because she got to go on the pill.
Leslie’s last blog post..Dave, The Obtuse And Ineffectual Poop Fairy
Oh, I remember my first trip to get birth control pills…except I was TWELVE, and I was getting them for extreme cramps. For some reason, the nurse didn’t believe me, and gave me a lecture about sex. It scarred me for life, dude!
heather’s last blog post..My Daughter, The Dress Up Doll
oh no. I feel so bad. I CANNOT talk birth control devices. i truly get dizzy and might even faint.
THUNK.
see?
I could not even read your post after you wrote IUD.
gonna go splash cold water on my face now.
I got my first birth control from my ped’s office because I was 14 and didn’t have a gyno yet and I had horrible cramps. I didn’t tell any of my friends because I wa afraid of anyone calling me slutty. I was CRACKING UP reading this post!
KD (A Bit Squirrelly)’s last blog post..Don’t Answer the Door! It’s Child Protective Services!!
Haha! I remember my first time at planned parenthood. I was actually more horrified at having to pee in a cup. “You want me to pee in this and then walk it over to you???” I remember scrubbing the cup with soap after I had filled it and how afterwards I couldn’t keep my eyes off it sitting on the counter for the rest of my appointment. I don’t know why it horrified me so much, but it did.
The first gyno appointment is so wonderful, isn’t it? I went on birth control after my first kid was born. So my first gyno appointment was to find out I was pregnant!
justmylife’s last blog post..Just wondering…..
@ SparklieSunshine: HAhahaa! I remember that too! I was MORTIFIED walking out of the washroom with my pee in my hand! I still hate it when I’ve had to do it for pregnancies. I hide it in a Ziplock bag in my purse! LOL
i so remember those brown paper bags. the fearlessness! i would be fearless!
i was totally afraid.
jen’s last blog post..three going on thirteen
[...IUD] I feel tha pain! As far as the rest of the post, WHY don’t they explain that in 10-15 years (after the commencement of the first time) that we will use excuses to get out of “IT”?!? I use the migraine one OFTEN! ;-]
Elizabeth (M and Ts Mom)’s last blog post..Our secret hide out!
That’s too bad. Chocolate would have been my first choice. Learning is good.
nomotherearth’s last blog post..Can Adults Go Back to Kindergarten?
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