As I remove the carseat from the back of the car and click it into the stroller my mind begins to race.
Where will I go?
How can I do this without being seen?
Will there be somewhere to relax?
How can I avoid people seeing?
I dread every second.
The baby begins to cry and my heart begins to race. I feel the sweat, the dread.
I pick him up and hold him close. I gather the necessities: the receiving blanket, diaper and wipes.
I walk.
I open the door and search for the biggest area that is private. Sealed off from seeing eyes.
I close the door behind me and I sit on the floor.
The floor of a public washroom where I feed my baby.
I am all for breastfeeding.
I am not against bottle feeding, but I do believe – as has been engrained forever – Breast is Best.
I knew even before I had Carter I would nurse as long as I could, and I nursed him exclusively until he was 10 months old, and until that time, not a drop of forumla had hit his lips. I almost never even pumped. It was all about me and my boob, I never left overnight or for the day unless he was with me. So far, it’s been the same with Hudson.
As much as I enjoy breastfeeding. I just cannot bring myself to be comfortable in public. It’s me, not anyone else; no one has ever made a comment as asked me to leave. I am an extremely self-conscious person in the best of conditions and exposing myself to such a vulnerable situation is too much for me to bear. Don’t get my wrong; I will not let my child starve and if the situation arises where I have to nurse in public I will, but not without exhausting every other avenue first: like sitting on the floor of a public washroom or in my car.
While at the Blog Friends Fest in Niagara Falls, I did both. I sat on the floor of a public washroom at the Hilton as well as a restaurant near by. The wonderful people I was with were extremely encouraging and assuring me over and over that it was all right and I could nurse in their hotel rooms, or right there!
But, I couldn’t.
I couldn’t.
I wanted to. I so badly wanted to.
I still want to.
I appauled and wholeheartedly admire those women who can sit on a bench in the mall, throw a blanket over their shoulder and feed their child.The woman who can walk around a crowded room, child nursing in a sling, entirely comfortable with her surroundings.
I want to be that woman who can sit at the front of a room filled with her peers and feed her child while addressing a thousand people.
My child deserves that.
He doesn’t deserve to be shuttled to the corner of a public washroom to have his meal. It pains me to write that, but it’s the truth. How can I be an advocate of breastfeeding when I can’t even bring myself to accept this act of nature? I desperately want to be comfortable with myself and to feed my child as he deserves.
SciFi Dad says:
In the end, though, you did nurse in a hotel room; a hotel room that had a man in it. So, give yourself a little bit of credit.
Like I said to you that day, you are not responsible for the fact the western civilization has sexualized breasts. You are neither “exposed” nor vulnerable: you are being a mother who is taking care of her baby.
It’s within you, somewhere. It’s part confidence, part comfort, and part stubbornness. Hopefully you will have an epiphany of the sorts my wife had, and be ready to “whip ‘em out” in a mall or wherever. (Maybe we need to arrange a playdate for you and her once our baby arrives?)
SciFi Dad’s last blog post..The Waning Days Of Three
August 8th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Shania says:
I don’t think Hudson cares where you feed him. I know you do, though. You do what feels right for you, he’ll do just fine.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:07 am
ali says:
i couldn’t do it either. i always had to hide out in a bathroom stall, or race home. *sigh*
August 8th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Jenn says:
As long as you are breastfeeding him, that’s all that matters….
Jenn
Jenn’s last blog post..Update
August 8th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Miss Britt says:
I think it is amazing that even though you ARE uncomfortable in some situations, you find a way to make it work, for Hudson’s sake.
That’s awesome.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..Mr. Washington
August 8th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Gliding through motherhood says:
You shouldn’t feel bad for feeling uncomfortable nursing in public. It’s a personal thing and you are doing what feels right for you, all while doing what feels right for Hudson. And as someone else already said, I’m sure Hudson doesn’t care where you are.
Gliding through motherhood’s last blog post..Twilight – a sort of book review
August 8th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Redneck Mommy says:
I was so uncomfortable feeding Frac out in public. But I kept trying and sooner or later I got over it and it didn’t bother me so much.
But it is so embarrassing. I hear you.
Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Rubbing the Crystal Ball
August 8th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Her Bad Mother says:
Oh sweetie. I HATE that you feel this way. I so understand it, I HAVE felt that way. But it SUCKS. Our culture makes us feel this way. It sucks.
BUT. What matters is that you do it. Whatever it takes, you do it. Be so so proud of that.
(Did you read my post today? Relevant.)
Her Bad Mother’s last blog post..You Got A Problem With My Boobies, PUNK?
August 8th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Leslie says:
I totally understand how you feel. I’ve done plenty of bathroom stall nursing. With Julia, I rarely nursed in public. Now that Lucy is here, I nurse in public a lot more, but I still feel that anxiety about it. I know that feeling you’re writing about.
You’re a great mom, Sam. You’re doing what’s best for your child, even when it isn’t easy for you. There’s no shame in that.
Leslie’s last blog post..Julia J. Grimmett Will You Please Sleep Now!
August 8th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
We all do things differently and with Dylan I was just like you. Then my mother-in-law told me how gross she thought breastfeeding was. So I purposely did it in front of her. ha ha!
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Up Goes Mr. Down
August 8th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Urban Mummy » 22 Months & Going Strong… says:
[...] in our society are seen more as sexual objects then as a way to feed children. Many mothers are embarassed to feed in public, or are looked at disapprovingly when they do. In the not so distant past I have read stories [...]
August 9th, 2008 at 7:33 am
crazymumma says:
Yes, what SciFi said.
We can only do what we are comfortable with.
August 9th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Some kind of Wondermom says:
As you wrote about your heart racing, feeling the sweat, and searching for somewhere to go, I felt like I was reliving the same experience.
I also think breast is best, but as a mother who did feed her son formula, in the eyes of nursing mothers, I do feel like I’ve done something wrong. In my case, I had such difficulties with latch, with pain, with mastitis, etc, that it was either feed my him formula, or let him starve. Breastfeeding was the most difficult and excruciatingly painful thing I have ever done in my life, and I am extremely sad about that. I wanted so much more from it. I wanted to be one of those moms who could sit on a bench at the mall, or at a friends house and nurse. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even do it at home, let alone in a bathroom stall, because the pain was too much to take.
I hope that’s not too much to share…
Some kind of Wondermom’s last blog post..Bizarre cough
August 9th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
blissfully caffeinated says:
Yep. Bathroom stall, changing room at Target, back seat of my car, where ever. I do not like nursing in public (the mall, a restaurant table, etc.)either.
With my first baby my only regular outing was to the mall where there was a Nordstrom. Because Nordstrom has fabulous restrooms with a “Mother’s Room” specifically for nursing.
With baby #2 I didn’t leave the house enough for it to matter.
blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Tales From The Potty (And Olympic Cocktails)
August 10th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
LD says:
I’m pretty okay with breastfeeding in public, but only because of the way Chloe nurses. She is small and has a good angle (don’t laugh – it’s true) and I don’t seem to reveal anything.
With Matt it was another story. I always felt exposed and did it in private.
But sometimes it’s hard. We were at Disney World recently and halfway through an hour long wait in line Chloe started screaming (and I fed her before the line, but it was florida in july and HOT). I couldn’t calm her so I simply stood in line nursing her.
The thing is, no one even looked at me funny. I was shocked.
LD’s last blog post..If You Can’t Beat ‘Em … Join ‘Em
August 12th, 2008 at 7:01 pm