August 12th, 2008
Sunday was a particularly hellish day. I never thought I would come to the point where I wanted to yell and scream at my child.
To feel the urge to lay a hand on my son.
To write that even makes me ill.
I grew up in the 80’s, just at the tail end of the time it was considered the norm to punish with spanking, smacks, hitting. It wasn’t prevalent in our family, but you knew when you did something wrong there was going to be a spanking. My mom didn’t shy away from using utensils or anything she could find to compound the impact.
As horrible as it looks in writing, a great majority of us knows exactly what I’m talking about. The strap, the belt, the wooden spoon, even a hand would leave welts for hours, if not days. We, as children, lived in fear of punishment: which is not so these days. Timeouts? Redirection? Sure, they sound great, but do they really work?
As Carter approaches three (next Friday, OMG!) he’s more defiant, more independent and even more stubborn. Inconsistent punishments between home and daycare have made for unbearable conditions some days.
After the punishments, short of beatings, I received as a child I vowed I would not parent my children in such a way; before it became socially unacceptable to lay a hand on your child I knew that I did not want to be ‘that parent’.
[Not that my mom is a bad person, because she's not. She's amazing and wonderful and loving. It's just it was a fact of life back then and I don't hold any of it against her.]
As the years pass us by and my child grows I have noticed the times where I want to yell at him, to scream and have come extremely close to raising my hand at him. It’s a horrible feeling once the situation dissipates and I realize what I wanted to do to my son. My child. My heart.
Sunday was one of those days. Nothing was pleasing him, I was irritated and Mike was working nights, so was fast sleep (sort of). Carter refused to get dressed, he refused food, he whined constantly and held tantrums frequently and loud enough to wake the dead (accept for his sleeping father - even though I think he just ignored it rather then slept).
We were in his room, enduring another breakdown because he wanted to keep on his soaked pull-up and wouldn’t get dressed. He was acting out, screaming, kicking and pushing. I had enough of the: “That’s not nice Carter, we don’t hit.”, “No thank you Carter.”, “Honey, please stop.”.
I grabbed him by the arms.
I held them tight. Very tight.
I pulled him close to me and very sternly yelled. “ENOUGH! I’ve had it Carter!”. Almost ready to shake him, to smack him, to find that wooden spoon.
He began to cry more.
I could feel the tears welding up in my eyes. I vowed not to cry. I had to show him I was in charge.
We settled.
Mike woke up and got Carter out of the house for a bit.
I had a shower, where I weeped. The water rushing away the tears, flowing them away from my body and down the drain. It washed away the anger, the disgust and hatred for what I wanted to do to my son. I stood there and cried for I don’t know how long.
:::
My public has spoken, all 21 of you. *snort* And by astounding result of 14 to 7 this blog will remain named ‘temporarily me’. Thank you to those who participated!
Don’t forget to think about your favourite shots from this summer for the Summer Lovin’ Giveaway!
Awww Sam, I could tell you that we all have our moments of weakness (goodness knows I’ve cried too), but I know that’s not going to make it better. They are so difficult at this age. Three was the most trying age for my son and I had many, MANY moments of weakness that I felt so guilty for. When I saw his normally even tempered father even get really aggravated with him, I knew that it wasn’t JUST ME. My stepmother, who is a former social worker saw me at my worst with my son and she didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. We truly are our worst critics. It’s mommy guilt and it is there for a reason, so that we can work on improving ourselves. It doesn’t mean we won’t ever have a moment of weakness again, it just means we’ll try not to.
Does that make sense? What I’m saying is don’t beat yourself up for it, just learn from it.
Natalie’s last blog post..Blogger vs. Wordpress
August 12th, 2008 at 10:55 am
You are bringing back many memories of my two older boys. I was in my early 20’s and definitely struggling with the idea that I had no life. My kids did what kids do — and actually not that much of it. It was more about me not being able to do what I wanted to do. Pretty normal, but the feelings of wanting to spank one of my boys over it because they were pushing my buttons is something I’ll never forget. I definitely remember crying in the shower. Hang in there girl, you fierce web designer. And even though I missed out on the “contest,” I think the name fits PERFECTLY.
kellypea’s last blog post..Babysitting 101? Not.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:24 am
My daughter just turned 2 and I’ve been there - it seems that every day she is more defiant, testing more limits, pushing more buttons.
It doesn’t make you a bad mother, it makes you human.
As they say, this too shall pass. In the meantime, however… maybe you need to speak to the school about consistent discipline and, if necessary, find another daycare that aligns better with the disciplinary style you have a home?
August 12th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I wish I had something more comforting to say besides “I understand”.
But I do.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..One Year: the real reason I didn’t blog this earlier
August 12th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
You know what? The fact you didn’t do it and felt remorse means I want you for my Mommy…I mean way back when. Not now. Asking you to be my Mommy now could seem like some weird come on.
Quick funny story…I was driving with my Mom when I was 14 and she got pissed at me for something so she gave me a backhanded slap to the face. I flinched and her hand got caught on my braces. She then pulled her bleeding hand away and barked “Look what you did to your mother!”
Heh. Point to son.
Mike from the Newborn Identity’s last blog post..The Family That Tokes Together…
August 12th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
i was only hit once as a child and i remember it so vividly. i promised myself i would NEVER hit a child. but boy oh boy were there moments when i was close….
August 12th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Thanks for the support! It’s a tough road to go down and as I look back I wonder what the hell I was so mad about. It’s just a combination of him being tired, me being tired/stressed/overworked(?) Ha! We just hit our breaking points with eachother. But I should know better. I’m the adult. I think that’s why it’s got me so upset.
@Mike - that’s sooo something my mom would say!! LOL
August 12th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
LOL - my accronym plugin says @Mike is my husband, but nope. He’s not.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
What Miss Britt said.
Leslie’s last blog post..Fat Is A Feminist Issue
August 12th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Oh boy have I been in this situation. You’re so not alone. I’ve, unfortunately, yelled at Samantha many many times. It seems as I get older I also lose patience faster. It makes me feel like crap but at that precise moment I forget it for a minute and yell. And then regret it after. I know my parents yelled at me and spanked me and, good thing is that I hardly remember it and I love my parents so I know that Samantha will be the same. Doesn’t help the guilty feeling I get afterwards though.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Oh my, do I know exactly that feeling. I have snapped in screams more than once since my second baby was born. And I have actually spanked child # 2 because she had her teeth locked on her sisters back and we couldn’t get her off. We all cried. Me, my husband, the kids.
After a childhood of spankings, I also decided I would never resort to physical punishment, but under extreme circumstances, that is what happened.
I feel tremendous guilt over that situation and every time I yell at the kids. I imagine we all go through this, but it doesn’t help to know that when you’re in the middle of one of those days.
No answers here, just solidarity.
Take care.
blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..The One Where I Talk About Blankets
August 12th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
My oldest son was born in 1985, when it was still the norm to spank. Thankfully, I made it through without hitting him. Oh, but let me tell you! I wanted to sometimes. Still do, but at 22 years, and 6′3″, it’s probably not a good idea.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Oh Sam, you are not alone. The other day, my 4 year old daughter had pushed me yet, again, to the brink. I picked her up, stared into her face, and wanted to slam her down. I, of course, didn’t. I put her down and walked into my room. I closed my door and cried. It’s a scary feeling but I believe most of us have been there.
Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..Proof That I Am A Reincarnated Adolescent Boy
August 12th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
oh hon…I totally understand. I’m with you just about everyday now. I don’t want to make you feel worse…but it doesn’t get much better as they get older. In fact, I’ve never felt that way about Ryan until this past year. I’ve never wanted to be one of “those” moms that yells…yet I do it everyday, and everyday I feel like a horrible parent. And Kyle…I NEVER in my life thought I’d feel the itch to hit a child..until Kyle came around. How horrible is it to want to sometimes smack a child who is under the age of 2!! Yeah, I’ve been there hon. I know exactly what you are feeling. Honestly, I think any parent who says they don’t understand is lying. This mother gig is HARD.
But in the end, it’s all so worth it. I sometimes watch them sleep to keep my feelings in check. Such angels.
(((HUGS))) Hang in there Sam. You are doing just fine!
Brenda’s last blog post..Kyle’s check up
August 13th, 2008 at 7:21 am
I’ve been there. Many times. It sucks.
mamatulip’s last blog post..When colour swatches lie
August 13th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Yes, I’ve been there (recently) and yes it really sucks. I grew up with spankings here and there but no wooden spoon and sometimes think how that system was somehow clearer than whatever it is we’re doing now.
I catch myself wanting to squeeze H’s lips shut when he screams in his bed (and his brother is trying to sleep or actually sleeping) or force his little body onto the potty and I HATE feeling that I might use my power over his small body in a way that makes him scared.
Grrrr. I’m probably not being very clear, but I feel you.
RookieMom Heather’s last blog post..Buy one less thing
August 14th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
It sounds like we’ve all been there. I’m going through the same episodes w/ my busy 2 year old. Everything is “no, mama, I not.” I not, going to put on a pull up, I not going to put on clothes, I not going to swim class, I not going in the market with you, everything is I NOT, I not, I not. And last week, I broke. I spanked her tush and made her cry. And then I cried. It was a very ugly moment and one that I am not proud of and one that I will remember forever. Vividly. It’s burned in my memory and from there I will learn to move forward in a direction that works better for my daughter and me.
When I feel that frustration build up, I breath and have a quiet moment in my brain before I react. It’s been hard but I’m learning. We all are. Good luck and thanks for sharing your moment, it makes other mother’s feel more human and less like we’re the only one.
BigGirl’s last blog post..A Quick Survey…
August 14th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Aw, sam! This is all so normal. Especially with a new baby. You’re tired. It’s hard. And, Connor is going through a lot and extra defiant. I KNOW. I totally relate. We had an AWFUL day today. I’m writing about it now….
Haley-O’s last blog post..What NOT to Say or Do
August 14th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Three is MUCH more of a challenge than two - they are more like little “big kids” than big babies. I know that for me patience is the biggest lesson of parenting - one that I keep learning over and over again.
If you can get out for a bit, even to go for a walk alone, do it. I need alone time to recharge (do you?) and if I don’t have it, my fuse is definitely shorter.
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August 17th, 2008 at 6:56 pm