Ever have one of those days where you’re just down for no specific reason? The sun’s shining, the children are behaving, your coffee was really tasty this morning, yet something is amiss?
That’s my today. I have nothing to be sad about, just am, and you know before taking anti-depressants I wouldn’t have thought for a second that something was wrong. But now? Everytime I feel sad, don’t want to do anything or I’m just bitchy I immediately begin to worry that something’s off with my medication.
Did I take my pill yesterday?
Do I need to increase my prescription?
Should I talk to the doctor about this?
What if it’s PPD? (Because *apparently* they don’t really discuss that with me.)
Maybe I just need to accept that it’s now a part of my reality: I worry about my mental state. But should I? Should I have to wonder every time something is off that I’m going fuckin’ nuts?
Since having Hudson I’ve been on a slow decline into a mildly Agoraphobic state. I don’t want to leave my house. I find comfort in sitting inside in front of the television, in front of the computer, playing indoor games with Carter.
I have anxiety when I think about trying to go out with both kids. I think the anxiety is more about losing control in public. The tanturms, even the logicstics of trying to manage two children in public. Come to think of it, I think I just hate leaving my house. For the most part, I avoid social functions and even visiting with friends. I don’t want to leave the baby just yet which, along with Mike working this weekend, caused me to back out of a Girl’s Night – which I could desperately use. I now feel guilt for it too.
Partly I think it’s because of this additional weight I still carry that seems to have settled in quite happily. I am a mess when it comes to my acceptance of my outward appearance. I am borderline plus size, again and it’s really messing with my confidence. None of my clothes fit and I barely make an effort to ‘dress up’ – since I know I’m not leaving the house – and I dress in my regular attire of jogging pants and a tank.
I know it’s not right, or normal to not want to leave the house, which then again gets me thinking, What if it’s PPD? Should I talk to my doctor about the fact I never want to leave my house?
Did I just anwser myself? I know it’s not right… yet I wonder if I should do something?
I’ve recently forced myself into two commitments – all for the sake of making myself commit and get out with people. I know once I am there I’ll be excited and so glad that I did it, but if it’s a situation where I can find an out, I will (These two commitments required money down and non-refunds and I feel worse wasting money so I’m in.)
I’m *trying* to work on it though. It’s a personal goal of mine to get these kids out and do something before the winter months arrive because it pains me greatly when I think that we’ve wasted the entire summer inside only to be TRAPPED inside once the snow’s here.
But! I did leave the house yesterday – alone – and bought this!
*I’m not trying to make light of Agoraphobia, it can be very a debilitating phobia and frankly, it’s un-funny.
iMommy says:
Well congrats on the new phone! It’s pretty. Looks like it has some smart-phone functionality as well, yes? Yum!
And YES, you should talk to your doctor about it. Really. It took me 6 months to talk to mine, and 2 years to get into counseling… but I’m finally starting to feel better.
I’d been unhappy so long I forgot how it felt to actually feel good. And I don’t want to lose it again, even if it means pestering my counselor with every little fear and concern and wandering thought of whether I should talk to someone about <>… it’s part of the healing process.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
ali says:
when i was a sahm mom and emily and josh were little…i stayed home a lot. it was just so much easier than taking them out where they could have tantrums, need to nurse, need to pee, etc.
please tell me more about the phone! i need one. mine is worse than crap.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Shamelessly Sassy says:
I left my house a maximum of 5 times in the month of May. Since then, I’ve been forcing myself to leave at least a few times a week. I hope you start feeling better.
Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Boys Pee Standing Up
August 15th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
flutter says:
we need you out here. Come out into the sun, beautiful girl.
flutter’s last blog post..on beating a dead horse
August 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Miss Britt says:
I think it’s pretty normal when you’re “medicated” to be more watchful of your moods. And *sigh* I suppose it’s normal for everyone else around you to be watchful of it too.
The thing is, medication isn’t supposed to make you happy all the time. It’s supposed to help you cope, even you out.
If you CAN’T do that – then yeah, talk to a Doc.
I think (personally) the fact that you are still capable of “forcing yourself out” is a good sign.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..A Giveaway! Help me quit smoking!
August 15th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Brenda says:
yes, I would talk to your doctor. I went through that same thing before I got on meds. It’s a form of social anxiety. And in all honestly, it’s really not bad going out with 2 kids. If one has a tantrum, we leave. I’ve already walked out of Target once with everything still sitting in the cart in the aisle. It really isn’t as bad as it seems.
It never hurts to talk to your dr. Hang in there hon. (((HUGS))
Brenda’s last blog post..My Road trip!
August 16th, 2008 at 8:08 am