You know when you write something and you’re kinda proud of it, but a little embarrassed at the same time? I’m sure we’ve all done it at some point. You know the one; you’re about the spill your heart out to The Internets and share something that will expose you to theyour very core, but you’re concerned about being a little too open? One where you teeter between hitting hit publish or delete?

I had one of those, and for some cosmic reason my computer freezes (Um, fuck you Vista. Kthxbai.) and said post has vanished. I was a little relieved, while slightly disappointed because I put so much effort into it; that disappointment turned to heartache when I opened my reader today to see that two other wonderful people are suffering just the same (Coincidence that our children are just weeks apart in age?). Heartache because I know writing it doesn’t only help myself, but others who may be in the same situation.

It’s a funny thing, that darkness. The way it brings out characteristics which would normally be wrapped tightly within our psyche. The lack of sleep warps and blends reality into a dreamworld where one tends to lose grasp on what is right and wrong. Flirting at the realm of what’s real and dream is a scary and dangerous ground which seemingly overcomes us at our weakest.

Each night I fear that place; the place which my silent house and lack of sleep takes me. Nights should be peaceful and comforting while everyday distractions are dismissed and it’s finally just me and my baby. But when I hear him stir resentment overcomes me; as my husband snores peacefully beside me, deep in sleep I dread getting up and tend to the baby’s needs. Each movement, sigh and grunt increasingly infuriates me the less sleep I get. I hate that I become this tyrant when my sleep is interrupted; I hate that I want to put my selfish needs before my innocent child.

Friday I fought to stay awake the whole day and by nightfall I was more then ready to succomb to sleep. To relax and put an end to the day, but my night would stretch beyond my comprehension. Deliriously tired, I sat in the darkness as my baby sucked the last of my willpower from my breast.The fussing, the whining, the inability to relax sent me over the edge of my sanity. I was at the point where I invisioned, too clearly, shaking my baby, throwing him down in the crib and walking away.

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, splashing silently upon his head, I immediately felt guilt. I felt horrible for even thinking I could do harm to my child. Knowing that I would never, the image was so vivid it was truly frightening, embarrassing even. Repeatedly telling myself this was just a phase, I rocked back and forth, coddling, cooing and shushing through tears, eventually calming us both.

His serene and porcelain-like cherub face resting pacefully wedged between my arm and breast made my heart melt. As I kissed his rosey little cheek, soaked with my tears, his released a peaceful sigh.

At that moment, I knew it would be alright: at least for now.

Over the past few years I’ve learned not to take things so personally. Okay, so it’s self-taught and it hasn’t been going all that well but whatever. I am better at not taking everything to heart; I don’t lay awake at night worried about why someone dislikes me or if they’re mad at me and for whatever reason. I  think I’ve somewhat accepted the fact that if you don’t like me, then tough shit: I can deal.

But that doesn’t take away the fact that I am still an over-analyzer and overly emotional. I have yet to find a cure for those traits so if you have an idea how, please, enlighten moi.

I started this Rookie (Mom) Challenge with the best intentions and honestly I’m a little bit crushed. I toiled and strategized and planned my wee heart out.  I have AMAZING support, AWESOME participants and (what I thought was) a good plan, then I began to worry… How can I improve it? Get it out there?  Gain some interest? But sometimes shit doesn’t fly, yanno? I get that. I can accept the fact that it’s just not internet gold and for that reason, I’m going to put it out of its misery. C’est la vie sometimes and that is the fact of life for this little nugget of poop.

Rookie Moms still rock and I still love their book and their site, it has nothing to do with that, it’s just that either this feature sucks, I suck, or both because it just ain’t flying. Not even if I threw it into the winds of a hurricane would this baby take flight.

So, with that my girl Vic at Glowstars takes the finale with this wickedly awesome picture:

She is officially my new Internet BFF.

And for that I also bestowe on her the I’m Hooked on Your Blog Award given to me by Jen @ Blissfully Caffeinated. For being hilairously witty and so awesome, because Dude. Did you see that picture?!

So here’s for you Vic and I will also be sending along your $20 gift card for Amazon.com (or Amazon.co.uk in your case I guess.)

So that’s it my friends. Rookie (Moms) Challenge out. (Shit. Seacrest. I should have thought about getting him to pimp this. That lucky little troll seems to have the magic touch. Eeewww the thought of being touched by Seacrest skeeves me out.)

I think that’s why I’ve been feeling a little down and out the past couple days. That, combined with the lack of sleep (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BABY – SLEEP!) and the changing of the season (which always seems to fuck with me) I’ve been a little lackluster and dare I say extremely boring! lately. But never fear, once I double my dosage of anti-depressants and caffeinated beverages we’ll be back and more irreverant than ever.

Speaking of being down and out; check out this diddy I wrote on Saturday… nevermind, can’t find it. But, I promise you it was ultra derpressing about how tired I was and resentful about my husband sleeping and snoring while I was sitting up with a child that wouldn’t sleep unless I was holding him. You would have totally rolled your eyes at me. I swear. Then, through osmosis the kid finally got it and went to sleep for four consecutive uninterrupted hours. It rocked. Then he decided to start chatting at 6am and woke up Carter. That? That did not rock.

[insert transition here - I can't for the life of me remember how to spell segway...Yes, I realize that's the spelling for the two wheel motorized stupid thingy... but is it the same for a segway. I don't make any sense, I realize that, thank you.]

You remember those “Let’s make like a….” sayings?

Let’s make like a baby and head out.

Let’s make like a banana and split.

Let’s makes like a bee and buzz off.

Let’s make like a tree and leave.

Let’s make like a horses dick and hit the road. (That’s my favourite. Am twelve)

Know any different ones? I’m curious.

I never thought depression would happen to me. I naively thought that depression affects those who have something traumatic happen in their lives. I will admit that was completely uneducated as to how depression affects us. That was until it affected me.

read more | digg story

Sitting at the dinner table sometimes I forget that my child is there. How could I forget you’re wondering, well… I guess I don’t. My mouth does.

Mike: *some derogatory comment.*

Me: Suck it.

Carter: Suck what mommy?

Me: Oh nothing Carter.

Mike: Tell Mommy to Suck it.

Carter: Suck It mommy.

Me: You tell Daddy to Suck it.

Me: Hey Carter? Suck it.

Mike: Carter tell Mommy to blow a goat.

Carter: Mommy, Daddy said blow a goat.

Me: Carter, you blow a goat.

Carter: No, I blow goat when I get bigger

:::

Mike: Carter, go get naked. It’s time for a bath.

Carter: NO!

Mike: I said get undressed.

Carter: Daddy, Suck It!

Carter: Mommy, I told Daddy to Suck It!

Oh, you want us to babysit? Sure. No problem.

Weepy and tired, I can’t seem to get a decent sleep these days. Hudson is doing something, I don’t whether it’s teething or what but the kid is up about four times a night. I’ve been nursing laying down hoping to catch a few more Zzz’s while he eats, but my efforts are futile since he falls asleep as well, then falls off the boob and we’re right back to square one. I’ve tried to sit on the couch and watch a show while feeding him, attempting to keep my eyes open long enough but wake up minutes or hours later in the same situation.

Okay, so I’m getting sleep, just shitty sleep and it’s leaving me more and more weepy.

So weepy things like this leaving me in a ball of mush with Carter asking Mommy, wha happen? as I wipe away tears. Srsly. It gets me every time!

But! What do I do while the children are sleeping? Sit here, on the computer – but it’s important! Really. It is.

Remember a while back when I told you that we were starting a budget?

FAIL.

We made it about 2 months before the receipts stopped coming in and it was virtually impossible to track cash purchases (which Mike makes a lot of) so I quit. I was spending so much time trying to track things I couldn’t and it felt pointless.

But the budget is making a comeback!

I know, I know. I can sense your elation!

Snooping through Simple Mom’s archives (okay so the beginning of September) brought me to PearBudget and I fell in love with its simplicity and ease. I love the layout, font and graphics. So essentially, I am that vain and materialistic that I think the program will help me because it’s pretty. Because let’s face it: if we’re attracted to it, we’re likely to gravitate towards it – that’s my philosophy when it comes to budgeting because there ain’t nothing else that’s attracting me to crunching those numbers.

My tactic with Mike was that we can’t buy that new car he would like if we can’t manage our money and get ahead. So now he has a goal and I have mine what I need to get him us there.

I’ll be sure to update you in a month or so to let you know if we’ve succeeded or not.

[I'm banking on not. Bad. Sam]

Oh calm down.I never said this would be fun! and interesting!

But seriously, Maternity Leave has been kicking our asses financially. Since my income has been severely decreased (to about 50%) it’s difficult to stay on track and not get into debt.

I’ve been off work for just about 4 months.

I have another eight before I return, therefore budgeting is required, otherwise I will be blogging from the inside of a hopefully, very sturdy and wide fridge box. If you have one, let me know; or two – so I can have a double wide: homeless in style, yo.

But while I still have cable… tell me… why have I only found out about this Paris Hilton train wreck now? I just happened upon the cast/show/sneak peek while I was blogging in front of the television and got totally sucked in. It’s like ANTM meets Survior and The Simple Life. I can’t wait!

I’m giddy with anticipation!

Almost as much as starting my new budget!

Was my sarcasm dripping through your screen? So sorry.

I haven’t been watching much these days (except Weeds and Young and the Restless of course) but this season of new shows seems to be a little more trashy, a little more homewrecker-ish and a lot more TMZ style.

I think I’ve just about died and gone to heaven.

Do you think I can bring my television to my new double-wide cardboard box? Will you let me put it in your yard where I can scoop your cable and wifi?

Puh-leeease?

:::

P.S. Hey Wordpress. I hate your image thingy. It always screws up my pictures and makes my OCD flare up.

Now I need a drink.

Words have been failing me these days. They’re jumbled in my brains but I can’t get them out – writer’s block I suppose. I’ve been overwhelmed with parenting duties over the past week and a bit since Mike’s been working about 15 hours a day, seven days a week until this project is done. I have a ‘to do’ list about a mile long and don’t really feel like doing any of it.

Sometimes I just want to hang that ‘Back in 10 minutes’ sign on my forehead, but then forget to take it down so people still think I’m gone and they’re wondering how long ten minutes really is because damn she’s been gone a long time.

Because, seriously? Webcams are scary.

I have emails and posts I should be writing, research, photo-editing and designs to complete and lately I just feel like that KRA-ZE bag lady walking down the road pushing a shopping cart with my worldly possessions while smashing myself in the forehead with my fist whilst screaming about the soup that burned the roof of my mouth as I pet my imaginary cat.

[Run-on at its best.]

I’ve resigned to making my life more organized. I’ve cleaned up my personal organizer – which is not a snazzy new iPhone or SmartPhone like I would LOVE! but rather a leather binder with a notepad and paper. Old Skool.

[All the paper - or caffeine - in the world can't make it better, I fear. I try and try, then FAIL.]

Maybe start with myself then move on to the house? I dunno but something has got to give.

Moving on.

Last week’s Rookie (Mom) Challenge’s winner?

Congratulations to Abi from Baby Monkey Tree

Go check out Abi’s post with her little guy Wills asleep in the Mai Tei carrier. So adorable!

[Though I had many options to take pictures of sleeping babies and I did get to sleep in while my mom watched my boys, I just never had my camera at the right opportunity. Am FAIL.]

For week five here are your three challenge activities:

Activity #28: Drink a beer

If you’re nursing this can be a great way to help with milk production (so They say) and if you’re not nursing? Well. Enjoy!

Activity #84: Wear your baby

This may not be hard for some of you that wear your baby often, but try and take a picture of yourself while baby is in a carrier or a sling!

Activity #205: Ride a real bus or a train

I know some moms around here that do this and it really sounds like fun! Get out and take a bus ride / train or subway if you can!

So go on! Do a challenge, take a picture and post it on your blog. Come back here and sign the Mister Linky and you’re on your way to winning: $20 amazon gift certificate!!

If you’re new here and doing the challenge for the first time check out the rules and buttons HERE and for past challenges check HERE.

If you’re having trouble with the buttons: all you have to do is select all the code within the box and paste it to your post or in your sidebar!

Have fun!

Jam packed weekend of visiting with my parents.

Kids and Me, while Mike worked.

Enjoying the final weekend of summer.

Realizing I could fall in love… with a lawn mower. Awesome!

:::

Once I get myself and my house back in order, I’ll be back with the winner of The Rookie (Mom) Challenge for week three as well as week four’s new challenges!!

I am not one who can function well on little sleep. No amount of caffeine can alleviate the wanton urge to close my eyes and drift off to a peaceful slumber. Not even the loudest most irritating alarm can get me out of bed on time. I am grouchy, impatient and often agitated easily when I’m tired. There really is no consoling me aside from just letting me go to sleep.

That? That doesn’t happen with children.

I was hesitant about having children for that very reason. I would have to forgo sleep for an unknown number of years.

Petty right? Don’t have children because they affect my ability to sleep in. Yup. Selfish.

Carter was a great sleeper as an infant. He’d wake to eat, then right back to sleep; he was the baby of my dreams. But as a toddler? He rises and falls with the sun. There isn’t enough coaxing in the world to get that child back in bed once he’s opened his eyes and seen even the faintest amount of light peaking from behind the blinds.

Doesn’t bode well with a person who loves to sleep.

Then throw an infant into the mix and I’m a walking zombie most days.

Every morning Hudson wakes at 6:30am; I quickly gather him from his bassinet (STILL IN OUR ROOM because Mike isn’t ready for him to move into his crib. *sigh*) and pull him into me as my lay in my bed, hoping not to stir Carter just yet, I quickly shove a boob in his mouth to smother his coos and squawks for food.

But my efforts are usually futile since Carter has hawk like senses and is up and jumping from the bed before Hudson even gets a latch. Seriously, that kid could hear a penny drop about 6 blocks away.

The door opens with a creak from the years of paint on the jam: then silence. Waiting for another sound, he stands in his doorway. As soon as he hears something, anything he comes running to my room, It’s wake up time Mommy! he states. Every. Single. Morning. Then he questions, Where’s Daddy? I don’t know if he expects that the answer will differ each day; but without fail, he asks.

I fade in and out of consciousness as I try and play defense. Keeping Carter from poking and tickling (which is more like shoving his needle-like fingertips into your gut) Hudson while he eats is like trying to separate a PMSing woman from chocolate. I try to coax him from the room with Hot Wheels waiting for him in the living room, or sending him to go pee – just to buy myself a couple extra minutes; but he is relentless.

I’m up. I’m up!

Once Hudson’s finished we all make our way downstairs. Hudson gets placed in his swing, the television is tuned into Dora, orange juice and Nutrigrain bar are distributed while the coffee brews. I plunk myself down in the overstuffed arm chair waiting for that sweet beep telling me my lifeline is prepared for injection. Sweet delicious coffee.

As I sip my coffee and peruse The Blogs while we relax, I peek over the top of my laptop to see Carter sitting peacefully on the couch, fingers threaded behind his head, lounging back on the sofa: the baby seeing his fingers for the first time, mezmorized in his swing.

They ain’t half bad these early mornings.

:::

Being a Rookie (Mom) Ain’t So Bad is still ongoing! Get your challenge and post to the Mister Linky by Sunday @ 12pmEST to be entered to win!