October 7th, 2008
Always have your own money; it’s important to have that independence. That’s what both my step-mother and my mother taught me, ingrained in me. It stuck with me, as it should, that I should be able to care for myself should something happen to my marriage leaving me to fend for myself: to raise my children with little (or no) support, financially.
Because of those lessons, I keep my own personal bank account, I have my own RRSPs (retirement fund) and I make my own money.
Before I continue, I, in no way am trying to belittle those who have made alternative arrangements, those who have decided to live entirely from one bank account and whom have given up their personal aspirations of a career to raise their children, because I have no doubt that sacrifices have been made and they (you?) are definitely contributing to the family. There is no question.
(Huge run-on sentence, sorry; but did I manage to use ‘whom’ in the correct context? I have NEVER been able to use that word correctly!)
And though I have my own money, I have made sacrifices for my family (ie: Maternity Leave) which has decreased my personal income, in turn has left me more dependent on my husband’s income to buy clothing and things for myself. I do not feel guilt for buying them, for treating myself once and a while. Like yesterday: yesterday I went for a badly needed haircut, a new style and dye. I don’t keep a regular regime for my hair care, I go when I can and because it’s rather pricey, I try hard to stretch the time between visits - like four to six months!
I came home really excited about my new do, most notably, gained a little self-confidence with the drastic change. (Of bangs! OMG!) And waited patiently for him to come home so I could show it off a little.
(Ah, delusional. Men don’t care about new hair. I know.)
He came in the living room and just looked at me. It’s different. You’re definitely a blonde hun. Dark doesn’t really work for you. Wha? Definitely a blonde? That’s what you think of my hair? Fine. I can handle that. Whatever, you’re a man, which means you don’t know shit about hair and fashion.
(Ya, I was a little disappointed with his reaction. But whatever.)
The kicker?
How much did you waste on that? Well thank you Prince Charming! Aren’t you fabulous!?
He then tied into me about wasting money and how I didn’t need to spend that much on my hair. It’s just hair.
(Okay. I can handle that. But then…)
I don’t work my ass of for 15 hours a day for you to spend it all on your hair.
Um. Wha? What just happened there?
Granted he has been working a lot. I will give him that, but in no way will I tolerate him telling me that he works all those hours and I am just frivolously spending his hard earned money!
I have held a job since I was 15 years old. I have worked to pay my way for all these years and I have sacrificed forwarding my career in order to start a family and have children. For him to sit there and belittle me as though he were my keeper struck a cord to say the least. It struck a cord indeed.
Woman sacrifice so much in for their families - some men, yes - but more often than not, it is the woman who says goodbye to the career and work life to stay home and rear their children. It is us who give up the education, the paycheque, OUR BODIES!!!, the adult interaction to care for our children, our homes, the groceries, the laundry, the bills, the cleaning, the gardening and whatever else may need tending to.
We leave behind the satisfaction of a job well done, the promotions, the lively (haha!) board meetings, the lunches with co-workers, the stimulation; we leave all this for the vomit, the spilled milk, the dirty diapers, tantrums and piles of laundry. And for what? The satisfaction of knowing that we are caring for our offspring and our husbands? Puhlease.
I would maybe enjoy it a little more should he even acknowledge the fact that I’ve sacrificed so much for this family. For us. For him.
But instead I’m told that I am wasting our money on myself!? What a kick in the proverbial nuts!
Need I remind him (and you) that while I sit here with my two boys, I am being paid. Sure, it’s not my full salary but I am being somewhat financially compensated by the government to spend this year home (as well as designing to try and compensate for the salary cut I’ve taken). Yet, I feel as though I am viewed as a slacker, a leech, a nothing.
I can’t pinpoint the reason he feels the need to belittle me this way. I don’t know how I can break through to him that I am still being paid to sit her on my ass and eat bonbons while I watch soap operas - because that’s what he thinks I do all day. When it came time to start my Maternity Leave I offered him the possibility to take Paternity Leave (where he can stay home for a couple months while I return to work). He outright refused stating that he makes much more than me and we can’t afford for him to stay home. Resorting to belittling me AGAIN! as an excuse not to stay home? I don’t know.
I am just beyond irritated that he views my being home as though he is given full right to dictate my spending habits as well as treat me as though I am inferior to him because I am not working. Call it jealousy, or envy, whatever. I just know it’s not right, or fair.
I am so beyond pissed and I just can’t get past how fuckin‘ mad I am at him for treating me this way!
That is one thing I absolutely positively hate. My husband and Mike were related at birth, seriously.
I’ve heard statements like that come from Chris on more than one occasion. And the kicker? I am working full time. Sure I don’t make as much as him, but ill be damned if I can’t pamper myself a couple times per YEAR. Not every other month like some.
UGH. Touchy subject
For me too.
I bet your hair is adorable though! Pictures?
October 7th, 2008 at 11:15 am
My husband asked me once, ONCE… “What did you DO all day?” He hadn’t noticed in the 5 minutes he had been home that I had painted the kitchen and there were 3 load of laundry folded in a basket on the kitchen counter. I WAS PISSED!
I don’t even do what you do, work from home, and I get so overwhelmed sometimes I could sit in the middle of the floor and just cry. A new haircut and color seems a small price to pay for everything we do, whether we’re working outside of the home or not.
I’ll bet you rock your new haircut… must post pictures.;)
October 7th, 2008 at 11:22 am
This is one reason that I HAVE to be at work and not be at home with the kids. Because I never want to have to explain why I just dropped $100 on a good hair cut and colour. I totally hear you. My money, my business. We have no joint accounts. We are financially co-existing very happily for the most part.
October 7th, 2008 at 11:23 am
@ Sammanthia:
I have a full time job outside the house while I’m not on Maternity Leave with my baby. I have a year until I return to work - I get Employment Insurance payments while I’m off (which are only about 55% of my salary) and I am designing to try and make up for the other 45%. Needless to say, I am not just sitting on my ass spending his money as it comes in. *sigh*
October 7th, 2008 at 11:27 am
What a kick in the proverbial nuts!
Can I kick him for you? Geesh.
We have no kids, but I grew up with a SAHM, and that woman WORKED every day from the moment she got up in the morning until the second she went to bed at night. I know it’s a trite challenge, but I dare any man to spend a week at home “not working.”
October 7th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I would’ve HIT the roof!!! Wasting HIS money on “just hair”? Oh boy. Maybe you can change roles for a week and see how he handles two kids 24/7 and design work….or maybe he needs a lobotomy LOL!
Good luck.
October 7th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Hey Sam, I wrote a post for ya!
October 7th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Oh hun, I am so sorry. I have a post a few months back that is nearly identical to this about keeping my own money, and not splurging on myself.
Seriously, I would be fuming, too.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
If my husband said that to me, there would be Hell to pay.
Actually, there would be nothing. I would say nothing. And then, later that night, i would call my mother and we would bury the pieces of his body in her large backyard.
No, I’m not kidding. I’m not even married to him and I want to kick his ass.
I feel so strongly about SAHMs and Dads NOT being belittled for choosing to stay home…. I’ll stop now before your blog gets blocked because of my language..
October 7th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Okay that is just wrong. He should have complimented your new hairdo and told you how sexy you look! Quite honestly, it shocked the hell out of me when I came home with a new hairdo yesterday and my husband was all about telling me how great it looked…didn’t even care about the price.
Anyway, have you explained to him that it is important for you to feel good about yourself? Oh please, I am sure you have…haha, I think I am a therapist.
Can we get pics of your hair please?
October 7th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Sorry he was a jerk. Ur hair looks great. I tagged you on a meme on my blog. Have fun!
October 7th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
When I had my first baby, I became a SAHM. My husband and I had a similar exchange.
I was PISSED.
SO, I put together an invoice. I charged him for my time in child care (with time and half for over 40 hours) as well as formula to substitute for the breast milk that I was providing. It was quite the bill. He got the message loud and clear.
Whenever he starts to develop a chip on his shoulder, I plan a night or two away so that he has to fend for himself with the kids. The key is that I don’t plan ahead meals and such for him. He’s totally on his own and is so appreciative when I get home.
He is actually funny when he talks to his new-dad friends. He sets the record straight. Their wives love him! Fucker.
Being a SAHM is harder than any job I have ever had. It was even harder than the juggling that I do now working from home while the kids are at school.
Good luck!
Ashlie
October 7th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Leaving aside the issue of whether or not you’re sitting on your arse spending all his money (which clearly you’re not), it’s the little things like taking care of yourself with haircuts etc that make you feel like you’re worth something and if Y turned round and said something like that to me, my response would be along the lines of ‘are you saying my happiness and wellbeing isn’t worth it?’
We always intended to get joint accounts, but somehow never quite got around to it. These days we keep our separate accounts but are constantly taking money off each other - we get paid at different times so it seems to work well. I earn way more than Y does, but there’s never the implication that he’s sitting on his arse doing nothing (unless of course he is). It’s taken time but we’ve come to accept that whilst his job is much more time consuming than mine, it will earn (and probably continue to earn) a lot less.
October 8th, 2008 at 7:39 am
I totally understand where you’re coming from on this.
I would be pissed too.
I find that we have similar arguments. Always about hair, clothes or shoes. And I get so angry because I’m on MAT LEAVE. I do work - and he tends to go into this male-driven “I work for the money” bull shit that is so ridiculous. I get furious.
First, I’m making money. Second, I understand working outside of the home. Third, I’m working way harder at home than I ever do at work.
That’s it. It makes me mad. There’s no justification.
I bet your hair looks amazing though
October 8th, 2008 at 8:04 am
ARGH. I’d have been so pissed. We’ve had similar arguments at my house, and we ended up separated before he ever truly appreciated how much work kids are (and I wasn’t there to fall back on).
A sneaky trick for who/whom….you should be able to substitute ‘he’ for ‘who’, and ‘him’ for ‘whom’ in the sentence….wait…there’s a better explanation here.
October 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
OOHHH I’ve been there. I think he needs a frying pan upside the head. Usually works for me
And, I’m sure you look aMAZing.
Michelles last blog post..Timely
October 8th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
sorry about the whole husband thing, which totally sucks, but your bangs are super dang cute.
BigGirls last blog post..My New Life
October 8th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Aww! Sweety! I COMPLETELY understand where you’re coming from. I started my own business, and started teaching yoga again, because I didn’t like having to ask my husband for HIS money. It seems to only be OUR money when I want to spend it on something he doesn’t agree with. Otherwise, he “gives me money”. I HATE IT. It IS so degrading. And, between you and me? I’ve been wearing the same two pairs of lululemons for the past TWO YEARS day in and day out — because the little money I make ends up going toward other things (like my book addiction AND, actually, groceries — but books are less expensive than jeans, and the organic groceries I like to buy are a freaking boat load of expensive…), and I HATE asking for money. It’s really quite sad. It’s also sad that, because I’m a sahm, I can only teach so many yoga classes, you know? And, the ones I teach have to have daycare available, and I have to pay for that daycare. I also don’t have the time to promote my art business properly, now do I?
I think you’ve hit on a MAJOR issue for SO MANY of us sahms.
Haley-Os last blog post..HUGE NEWS HUGE!
October 8th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
For those of you looking for pictures of my new hairs - they’re on flickr… I linked it in the post. LOL Some people found it! tee hee
I just didn’t think flaunting the hairs went with the post is all.
Love you all!
October 8th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Stopping by from Mrs. Schmitty’s. I couldn’t agree with you more about personal independence. The incident you describe is classic domestic abuse. Belittling, verbal insults and financial control…you don’t have to bleed to feel humiliated and abused, and it’s wrong on every level. I’m so sorry that someone you love and trust would treat you this way and I wish you all the best.
Tricia´s last blog post..I Survived Preschool
October 9th, 2008 at 8:30 am
This is why I am now divorced from the asshat who treated me that way when I was at home. He did his best to belittle me and still does when he gets a chance. Meanwhile he continues to lose jobs and get behind in his mortgage. Yeah, and *I’m* the loser? Pulease!
Now I have a wonderful man who treats me like the Goddess I am and never questions what I chose to do with *my* money. We pay the bills and keep separate bank accounts but there is no hard and fast rule over mine or his. We just *do*.
Hang in there. And I bet your new hair is fabulous!
Moon in MO
Moon HalloranLeady´s last blog post..Coyote Ugly
October 10th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
ohh just checked in…will look at the new hair
smiling
Moon
Moon HalloranLeady´s last blog post..Is there steam coming out of my ears?
October 10th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Husbands don’t get that hair is very important. It’s never “just hair”. “Just Hair” is everything.
No Mother Earth´s last blog post..Thank Heaven for Little Boys
October 12th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Hi Sam, I was looking around for new blogging friends when I came across your post I totally agree with you, I go thru the very same thing all the time I know how it feels its horrible!
I get into trouble even for buying something little for my daughter because apparently every $5 here an there adds up! But yet im buying her those things out of the payment I recieve FOR HER from the Government & I still get into Trouble So I hear your pain!
Thanks Im happy to know im not the only Women going thru the same Troubles!
Rhiannon
October 13th, 2008 at 11:59 am
My parents had this arrangement (separate accounts), and I saw how poorly it worked out for them. When it came time to make our arrangements, my wife and I talked about it and agreed to make it one big pot.
Admittedly, sometimes I find myself thinking that some of the expenditures she makes are “wastes” of money, but then I think about the ones I make that she thinks are a waste and I check myself.
SciFi Dad´s last blog post..Fuck.
October 13th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
@ SciFi Dad:
We have separate accounts as well as a joint account for house related stuff…it seems more and more our money is pooled together though…
Good for you for checking yourself. LOL
October 15th, 2008 at 12:16 pm