As we pulled into the parking space, Carter pipes up: That’s where the boy fell because his Mommy wasn’t paying attention. I was a little shocked that he remembered the incident and also that he was so quick to blame the mom.
Why is everything mom’s fault?
Sufficed to say, it kinda hit a nerve with me.
If dinner’s not on the table, laundry is not washed and *someone* can’t find socks / a belt / underwear / a shirt it’s because of something the mom has or has not done. Even with all the talk of gender equality and co-parenting, there seems to be this undefined line which isn’t crossed – like it’s invasion in mom’s territory or something.
A few friends of mine have fallen into the very gender traditional roles; child rearing, cooking laundry and what have you, and I don’t want to say cater, but cater to their husbands. For them, it’s what they want, they’re happy and that’s fantastic. It’s not for me.
I am not happy when I am called to see what’s for dinner, when I’m asked if I’ve washed his work clothes yet. I instantly get upset: I can’t help it, a knee jerk reaction. I’m on the defensive immediately. Maybe I find it degrading or sexist? I dunno. Don’t get me wrong, I will do these things, but as soon as it’s requested of me it irks me.
Mike’s commented before about co-workers whose wives make their lunches daily. I do not and have not ever made his lunch, nor do I wash his work clothes; but for some reason I feel guilty when he mentions it. I feel as though I am not fulfilling my “duties” as a wife. I’m not keeping my husband happy by providing what he requests of me. How 1950’s is THAT!?
Maybe my house would be cleaner, activities would be better organized and I would be happier if I just changed my tune. I can’t tell you why I take it to heart the way I do, I’m just hardwired to be independent and refuse to cater to a man I suppose, I can’t think of any other reason for it aside from just being plain ass lazy. Maybe I was a housemaid is a previous life?
What about you? Are you happy to do the “stereotypical mom duties” or are you like me and revolt?
Krystle says:
Even though I am not a mom yet, I am a wife…. And since my husband grew up in a house/family where his father would walk in the house and say, “so what’s for dinner?” sometimes he thinks this is okay…. And I say oh hell no!
I am JUST like you. Don’t fuckin TELL me to do something. I don’t always keep our house clean, but if he can sit and play XBOX when he isn’t at work, then I’ll be damned if I’m going to bust my ass. Same with laundry. I do it when I can and want to, NOT when or if he tells me to.
He can call me a bitch, whatever… I’m not his mother, nor his maid.
October 25th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Major Bedhead says:
I hate doing the wife-and-mother crap. It sucks the life out of me. I get the same knee-jerk reaction that you do – why is is only MY job? I work, too – not full time outside the home, but hell, 20 hours a week at a job plus all the kid/house stuff all day, every day? Uh, yeah. Resentment abounds.
Major Bedhead´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 26th, 2008 at 1:09 am
Mr Lady says:
I do *sigh* Well, I pretend to. I’m not actually very good at it.
I only do it because my husband is literally NEVER home. He leaves at noon and returns sometime after midnight, so he sleeps until it’s shower time the next morning. He CAN’T do the laundry, he CAN’T wash the dishes. We spend his one day off every week trying to get me caught up on everything I let fall behind over the week.
And here I sit, leaving you a comment. God, I suck.
Once, we were watching Supernanny and my son made a comment about a little boy on the tv with ADHD, that he was really naughty. And it ripped my HEART out. I sat down with him, turned off the tv, and did my very best to explain that the boy couldn’t help it.
I think, with kids, things are black and white. We have to teach them gray. Souns like you’re doing just that.
Mr Lady´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 26th, 2008 at 2:11 am
flutter says:
I freaking LOVE YOU
flutter´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 26th, 2008 at 3:55 am
Mamalooper says:
The challenge for me was teasing out what “makes sense” in terms of divvying up of tasks and what feels like the 1950’s.
I suppose the litmus test for me is thinking about what would each of our lives be like if we were single. (Bear with me, it isn’t the “threat” part of that statement that is resonant). If Monkeydad’s life is easier and mine is harder than if we were single, then the fairness is out of whack.
For example, if his day ended at the end of his paid work day but mine carried on round the clock with unpaid work, unfair. We look at it like we each have our “day jobs”, his paid and mine mostly unpaid. Then after hours we share whatever needs to be done – getting the girl ready for bed, supper, etc.
We are also fortunate that we have a cleaning person so we are saved from arguments about cleaning the house!
Mamalooper´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 26th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Nat says:
Hmmm… our division of labour seems to be a better split than most here. More because I just flat out refuse to do it. (So the house is a tad disorganized, really we need a housekeeper.) Often I run in the evening, so he gets saddle with dinner often. I’m usually home first though so if I’m not running, I’ll do it. But he does his bit. As for lunches, well, if I’m making myself and The Boy a sandwich, I reckon what’s one more and I’ll make his lunch.
There are days when it doesn’t feel fair. It was worse when he traveled a lot. But then there was no one else to do it. Alas.
What makes me insanely mad are men (usually in the 50+ category) who dismiss me because I’m a woman. Infuriates me. Gah! I have whole post in me about this.
(Karen shared your blog … clicked over.)
October 26th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Sherendipity says:
I was having a conversation this week with a very good friend. I explained that I’m at the point in my life where all of my relationships feel like a part time job. They feel like work. I show up, bust my ass, get little to no recognition, and when something goes wrong, it’s my fault. In addition, I already have a real job that I put in 40 hours a week. I don’t need this shit, and I certainly don’t deserve it.
Sherendipity´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 26th, 2008 at 8:26 am
wrongshoes says:
My DH and I share slacking on housework equally. It makes for a very disorganized and confusing existence. My excuse was always that we both worked, but we never really got organized enough to be effective at sharing household tasks.
Now that I’ve been laid off… I’m thinking maybe I should start trying to be a home maker, but I have no idea where to start!
I just found a blog recently where the author did an experiment and was a 1950s housewife for two weeks. Pretty interesting:
http://nisathemom.blogspot.com/2008/10/1950s-experiment-ends.html
October 26th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Wendy says:
My husband works from 11am until after midnight, 6 days a week. I stay home now, so naturally, I have to do most of the housework. I consider it my job, because when Thomas gets paid, he gives me most of the money. Of course, I have to pay the bills and buy groceries, clothes for the kids, and so on, but that’s what I would be doing if I had an outside job. Really, it just makes me feel better about myself, to think of it this way, but whatever works. Half the time the dishes or laundry aren’t caught up, anyway, and he doesn’t give me too much grief about it.
But I don’t have to do everything. On his day off he usually cleans the kids’ rooms and he always puts away the laundry (when I’ve done it!) In fact, if he cleans when I feel like it’s my job, I get pissed. It’s some kind of glitch in my programming I think.
I don’t want to be that way, but I feel guilty when he does it, like I’m not doing a good enough job!
I still have to remind him that I’m not his mama, though. For instance, earlier this morning he handed me his wadded up hand wraps (like ace bandages. He wears them under his boxing gloves). He just put them in my lap and walked away. I said, “What’s this for?” He said, “Roll them up.” I threw them on the floor and crossed my arms over my chest. I don’t think so. Then he tried to tell me he “asked” me to do it. No, he commanded that I do it. Still haven’t done it, or picked them up off the floor. I hope the cat pisses on them in fact.
I consider writing my job also. He still doesn’t get that, since I’m not getting paid for it. Sometimes he says things about me being on the computer all day. Apparently he thinks I just sit here and I don’t do anything else. Well you know what? If I don’t read people, they won’t read me! And it’s not easy to sit here reading. I have a headache and backache every day from it! But I love it, and I love writing, so it’s okay. Why can’t he get that?
October 26th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Laural says:
I so hear you on this one!
Of course I do some of the stereotypical housewife things because I’m on mat leave so I’m home.
BUT…
It’s not expected of me, nor would I do something if it was expected.
I’ll admit, I enjoy making dinner, but it usually gets started when Mike gets home and helps with the kids. But, most stuff we share.
And, if we don’t we argue.
Laural´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 26th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Shania says:
Oh, I’m pleased to cater. If he doesn’t have clean clothes, I will gladly draw a map to the laundry room. If he’s hungry, the kitchen’s thataway.
Shania´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 26th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Amie says:
The roles in our house are completely reversed. I work a full-time job, and my husband stays home with the kids. It just happens to work out that way for us, since he still gets an income from home. We still share in the cooking responsibilities, though, and each do our own laundry and share the kid’s (or did, until my mother-in-law decided to start taking them to the laundramat with her every Sunday).
I was a stay-at-home mom with my daughter, though, and sometimes I do get a bit envious of the time he has with the kids that I don’t. And, on the other side of the coin, he gets envious of me and my time away, sometimes. But I’m really glad he has the opportunity to experience parenting from this perspective, and that the kids get so much time with him.
October 26th, 2008 at 11:10 am
samantha says:
I think my biggest complaint would be when I was working and I was expected to do all the household tasks as well. I mean, I was working 40+ hours a week and still expected to rush home and make the dinner and spend my weekends cleaning while he got to relax. Um. I don’t think so.
Now I still find it hard to do some of the tasks while I see him sitting down and relaxing. With a child constantly on my boob, another vying for attention, dishes to be washed and such, when do I get a chance to relax – ever. I am going 24/7 these days and he’s working 40 hours. I just don’t see how that’s fair.
God, I gripe a lot.
October 26th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Haley-O says:
Omigosh, I just wrote a full tome here, and the comment didn’t go through…. I’m too tired to rewrite….
Basically: I hate making his lunch. I cook clean feed ALL DAY. He doesn’t pressure me. But, the guilt, oh the guilt. Asked him to make dinner the other weekend. He ordered pizza….
Haley-O´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 26th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Brenda says:
Wow. I’m shocked by how many women are so bitter about taking care of the home, children, and husband.
I am a stay at home mom. I cook, I clean, I take care of the house and the children, I cater to my husband, and I’m happy about it. It’s my job as a wife and mother.
This is what I should be doing, not just as a wife and mother, but as a Christian. The Bible tells us to submit to our husbands and to love them. Now I know many of you will cringe on that. But I firmly believe that the man is the head of the household and the wife should follow in his ways (so long as it’s not against God). I don’t agree with the whole women’s movement. People seem to forget that men and women ARE different, and there is a reason and a purpose for that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the man is the King of the house and all bow to him. By no means. But I’m saying that as a wife it’s my job and duty to take care of him and the house.
At any rate, I’m more than happy to be the wife and mother of the house, taking care of the house and children. I believe it’s a good environment for my children, and sets a good example.
Brenda´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 27th, 2008 at 8:15 am
SciFi Dad says:
When she’s not recovering from a c-section, my wife handles the bulk of the cleaning and laundry. Cooking duties are probably split 1/3 me 2/3 her. Most of this is a simple by-product of our arrangement: she’s the at-home parent while I work outside the home. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that the at-home parent take on more of the at-home tasks, but maybe that’s because I’m not the at-home parent.
I just figure it makes more sense for me to spend time with my kids when I get home from work than it does to have me scrubbing toilets or washing clothes. I don’t think that makes me sexist, but I’m sure others will have different opinions.
SciFi Dad´s last blog post..Check Your Sexism At The Door Mister
October 27th, 2008 at 8:34 am
justmylife says:
I guess I fall in to the 50s housewife department. But I don’t like it and I gripe to no end about it. I do it all and I get all the blame if something is not done. Damn now you have gone and made me mad and my husband and children will have to pay for being such slobs and such pains in my tail! heh!!
justmylife´s last blog post..The Guidance Counselor from Hell!
October 28th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
MommyNamedApril says:
I’m an attorney gone stay-at-home mom. I don’t always like being responsible for food, home, kids, etc. and often crave something a bit more intellectual – but it’s the role I chose and the benefits outweigh the burdens
MommyNamedApril´s last blog post..Happy Birthday Hubs! (…again)
October 28th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
kittenpie says:
Oh, I’m the same. We generally don’t do too badly on dividing up labour (or ignoring it altogether, ahem), so I don’t have to feel that way often, though. My husband doesn’t often seem to think something is just my job unless it is something that has fallen to me, while he does something else. he does the cooking and grocery shopping, for instance, while I do laundry and clean floors and bathrooms and he vacuums.
kittenpie´s last blog post..Little Ladies Who (Need) Lunch
October 30th, 2008 at 5:08 am
Shawna says:
I am a little of both! I don’t mind doing these things WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT… but like you, when it becomes expected of me I REVOLT. Why am I supposed to always know where the remote is? And what am I a walking inventory–how the hell should I know if there is any fruit left in the bin or if his deodorant is empty? I do a lot around here with the kids, the finances, the schools, the groceries, the cooking–you get the picture–I am not going to be his mother that’s for sure… and I would like a partner on occasion too!
Shawna´s last blog post..************************************************
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:23 am
Janice says:
OMG I am soooo with you on this.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve told the Husband to NOT call me in the middle of the day and ask what’s for dinner. And yet, he still does it. WTH? P’s me off even more.
The other day I heard him tell the daughter to ask me what I’d be cooking. Geeeeze.
Janice´s last blog post..Public Service Announcement
April 7th, 2009 at 10:19 am