While I was at the hospital visiting my aunt, I escaped to the Maternity Ward waiting room (my aunt was receiving Palliative Care in the Maternity wing. Ironic much?) to nurse Hudson. As I got him situated and I watched his eyes flutter as he drank, my mom poked her head around the corner.
‘There you are.’ she said as she made her way to the chair across from me, ‘You know, you’re Aunt M and Liz never made up before Liz was admitted to the hospital. J told me that last night. I don’t even know why M is here after all the hurtful things she’s done to Liz.‘
She rambled on as my mind escaped. Escaped the family bickering, the fights, the blaming – none of which is my fight. None of which has been resolved in 10 years, but only festers and boils, continually begging to rear its ugliness even at the worst possible times.
I nodded even though I had stopped listening. She needed to vent and I just needed to escape.
‘They were here last night too and I just left, I went in another room and waited for them to leave. You don’t even know the half of it; I just couldn’t do it. Not now. ‘
It took all I had not to say, ‘Not ever Mom. You mean not ever. You have absolutely no plan to ever reconcile with your sisters or your mother. I get that. I. GET. IT.‘
It’s her decision to cut her immediate family out of her life, yet I feel as though I am carrying the weight of that decision on my shoulders. I feel as though any move I make to have her family a part of my life – my children’s lives – is going to be viewed as an act of disloyalty to her.
I know my mother can hold a grudge, that is evident. She still hasn’t been able to get passed my father’s infidelity from twenty-five years ago. Even her own blood relatives – how would I be any different if I crossed her?
The phone rang this morning; an unfamiliar number belonging to an area code that could only be one person. My Aunt B who is in town from across the country only for Liz’s visitation this evening.
I stared at it while it rang and just envisioned how hard it will be to be in a room with everyone this evening. Split down the middle, my mom on one side, the rest of the family – save a few who remain neutral – on the other side.
Who do I choose?
As much as I don’t want that to be the case, it is.
It’s a matter of choice.
Am I viewed as a traitor by my mother as I defect to the other side?
Am I viewed as my mother’s daughter as I remain at her side?
:::
I don’t even know if I want to go to the visitation this evening since I’ll have to endure it all in the morning anyway as we gather for the service. Not to mention, it’s also an hour and a half away and I said my good-byes in the hospital.
:::
I wrote this yesterday and then my internet went down so I wasn’t able to post it. I didn’t go to the visitation and my Aunt M and Grandma didn’t come to the reception after the funeral today. I’m not sure if that’s worse or better.
I did however make arrangements with them to have a REAL visit, hopefully this coming weekend.
So…. now dear friends, I implore you to help me find a toy.
Edenfantasys.com – who provided the item for this giveway has some great items on their site and I would love if you could help me find something for …. ME!
Never in my life did I never think I would be asking Teh Internetz to find me a vibrator, what has my life come to?
I thought this one may be good for a um – beginner, but I am totally taken in by this one.
Got some time and won’t get caught searching? Her a girl out, wouldya?
Grace in Small Things:Â Part 5 of 365
Soft lips (No, we’re not talking about sex anymore.)
As I sit here and listen to the creaking and murmuring of the house settling, I am completely unsettled. I feel as though I have a thousand pound weight just sitting on my chest. It’s silent, yet not quite quiet enough.
The older I get the more I worry about who’s going to be next. Of all the people I love, who will be next? It’s not a pretty picture to paint, but I believe it is human nature; to wonder, to imagine, and to create that canvas we never really want to see.
I wonder if I will outlast my children, or if they will be there to carry me through my remaining days. I think about how tragic it would be to leave this world too early and they not fully understand the depth of my love. These thoughts which no one wants to think have clouded my brain, bringing along with them sleepless nights. These jagged cold thoughts have built a fortress of solitude keeping happiness at bay and as I fight daily, hourly, the fortress remains strong. Undefeated.
I will not be defeated. I will fight. I will win.
But in the meantime, I resist the urge to scream, cry and curse. Why?! Her of all people? WHY?
Forced to face mortality once again, I wonder how I should explain these events to my three year old. Why are we here? What are we doing? How come everyone is sad? What happened? WHY?
I don’t know honey, I just don’t know. I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. Sometimes the good ones are just needed elsewhere.
She was indeed a good one.
:::
On Sunday, after an eight year long and hard battle with brain cancer, my aunt passed away peacefully. I can take comfort in knowing that she is no longer in pain and left this world with the dignity and grace she shared with us while she was here.
I want to thank you for your heartfelt twitters and comments, they really have meant a lot.
When your husband come out of the bedroom questioning you if his jeans shrunk in the wash because they feel pretty tight, then only to realize they’re not his jeans, but YOUR jeans.
P.S. They’re my postpartum jeans.
P.P.S. I’m not fat.
P.P.P.S. I’m big boned.
P.P.P.P.S And no, that’s not just what fat people say because they’re fat. I really have a larger skeletal frame.
Grace in Small Things: Part 3 of 365
lemon meringue pie
Dirty Dancing on stage –> seriously gave me chills; I fuckin’ LOVED it.
Updated:Apparently I should read my feeds before creating a post because when I think I have a great!, funny! idea, it would so happen that I post it on the same day as Jenny, The Bloggess – my blog crush – *waves* Hi Jenny! What up? Can’t wait for your BlogHer vagina party! *fist bump*
Now this posts just makes me look like a total copy cat loser and I totally fuckin’ destroyed her awesome (Destroying her awesome is pretty well impossible, but get the jist – and if you don’t? Well could could get a fist). I just mulched a funny into a clusterfuck of crap. Do yourself a favour and just go read over there. She cuts and pastes and shit. Totally better.
In keeping up with this week’s theme, I thought I’d share this little tidbit with you.
Just picture it: Barack, Michelle and the children sitting down to dinner in their new White House dining room. Maybe a television on near by to hear the latest news and stories about Barack’s first couple days in office only to hear mention of Barack and fisting in the same sentence ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
What? Don’t look at my like that, it’s entirely plausible.
If you’d rather enter anonymously, please email me at (temptingmama AT gmail DOT com) and I’ll enter you for the draw.
The giveaway is now closed!!
The winner will be chosen by the good ol’ name in a hat method where by I’ll be assisted by my three year old, which is entirely approprite, right?
Six weeks Mike’s been without work. Six mother humping weeks.
FYI: There was no mother humping taking place, for realz.
Six weeks of my husband being around 24/7 and to tell you the truth, save a couple of tense moments, it was actually really nice. Being out numbered in the children to parent ratio can be very daunting on the best of days so to have that back up was more or less fuckin’ fantastic!
But today, Mike’s got a damn job. FINALLY! Today, before the break of dawn he was up scrapping off his car, warming it up and getting out on the highway while I snuggled in bed with a clingy little infant baby – who by the way we call The Stage Five Clingerâ„¢ because this kid? This kid looses his shit entirely if you leave the room or are out of touching range.
As The Stage Five Clingerâ„¢ and I cuddled in bed, the phone began ringing. As I rolled over to look at the time – 6:00am – I figured it could only be one person calling at the ungodly hour so I did what any concerned wife would do.
Rolled over and went back to sleep.
Then it rang again.
And as this concerned wife does, I cursed him for being a douchebag as I made my way out of the warm comforts of my bed to locate a phone.
Srsly? THREE fuckin’ phones in the house and not one can be found? STOP RINGING!
I answered with a friendly morning greeting. “What?”
His reply: “We have a situation.”
Asituation? Who do you think you are Jack Bauer or something? Who the hell says that? ‘We have a situation?’ Situation. *pffft*
(Yes. I am extremely bitter and angry when I’m woken up.)
That “situation” turned out to be a tire blowout on the highway caused by the suspension coil snapping.
Thankfully he made it safely to the side of the road and called a tow without any other major mishaps.
But did I mention he’s been off work for SIX MOTHER HUMPING WEEKS!
We’re down to our last couple hundred dollars and then this?
I’m pretty certain that should there be a God, he’s totally laughing at us right now because if he didn’t laugh? He’d be crying too.
I am grateful that Mike’s alright and no one was harmed, but still, it seriously SUCKS.
Speaking of being grateful. Today’s post was going to be dedicated to Schmutzie’s baby Grace in Small Things, which I have decided to be a part of this year. The gist of it, as described by Schmutzie:
Grace in Small Things exists because the world we live in is loud and harsh and bright and demanding, and it is easy to slide into a less than thoughtful survival mode in which we do what we have to do to make it through the day with the least amount of strife possible. We allow it to rob us of the time and energy to be mindful of ourselves and those we love and to recognize the grace that exists in small things.
It is with this thought that I, Schmutzie, have created Grace In Small Things. Every day for 365 days, I will post a list of five things that have graced my life, either on that day or at any time in my life. Feel free to join us here. Or mock us. Or, you know, do whatever is in your heart. You can start on whatever day you want, so if you come across this six months from now, don’t let that hold you back.
I challenge you to give Grace in Small Things a shot, because life is too short and love is large.
So each day over the next 365 days (if I remember and don’t cop out), I’ll be sharing five small things that I am grateful for.
Starting now.
Grace in Small Things: Part 1 of 365
Mike’s safe and sound after this morning’s situation. *snort* (The snort is at ’situation’ not Mike’s safety, so you know.)
Coffee makers with a timer. (Duh.)
Microfiber socks
Four hours of consecutive sleep
Understanding new bosses who are alright with their new employee being late on their first day.
