Succomb

As I sit here and listen to the creaking and murmuring of the house settling, I am completely unsettled. I feel as though I have a thousand pound weight just sitting on my chest. It’s silent, yet not quite quiet enough.

The older I get the more I worry about who’s going to be next. Of all the people I love, who will be next? It’s not a pretty picture to paint, but I believe it is human nature; to wonder, to imagine, and to create that canvas we never really want to see.

I wonder if I will outlast my children, or if they will be there to carry me through my remaining days. I think about how tragic it would be to leave this world too early and they not fully understand the depth of my love. These thoughts which no one wants to think have clouded my brain, bringing along with them sleepless nights. These jagged cold thoughts have built a fortress of solitude keeping happiness at bay and as I fight daily, hourly, the fortress remains strong. Undefeated.

I will not be defeated. I will fight. I will win.

But in the meantime, I resist the urge to scream, cry and curse. Why?! Her of all people? WHY?

Forced to face mortality once again, I wonder how I should explain these events to my three year old. Why are we here? What are we doing? How come everyone is sad? What happened? WHY?

I don’t know honey, I just don’t know. I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. Sometimes the good ones are just needed elsewhere.

She was indeed a good one.

:::

On Sunday, after an eight year long and hard battle with brain cancer, my aunt passed away peacefully. I can take comfort in knowing that she is no longer in pain and left this world with the dignity and grace she shared with us while she was here.

I want to thank you for your heartfelt twitters and comments, they really have meant a lot.

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Tagged as: cancer, children, death, depression, family, fight, life, love, passing