While I was at the hospital visiting my aunt, I escaped to the Maternity Ward waiting room (my aunt was receiving Palliative Care in the Maternity wing. Ironic much?) to nurse Hudson. As I got him situated and I watched his eyes flutter as he drank, my mom poked her head around the corner.
‘There you are.’ she said as she made her way to the chair across from me, ‘You know, you’re Aunt M and Liz never made up before Liz was admitted to the hospital. J told me that last night. I don’t even know why M is here after all the hurtful things she’s done to Liz.‘
She rambled on as my mind escaped. Escaped the family bickering, the fights, the blaming – none of which is my fight. None of which has been resolved in 10 years, but only festers and boils, continually begging to rear its ugliness even at the worst possible times.
I nodded even though I had stopped listening. She needed to vent and I just needed to escape.
‘They were here last night too and I just left, I went in another room and waited for them to leave. You don’t even know the half of it; I just couldn’t do it. Not now. ‘
It took all I had not to say, ‘Not ever Mom. You mean not ever. You have absolutely no plan to ever reconcile with your sisters or your mother. I get that. I. GET. IT.‘
It’s her decision to cut her immediate family out of her life, yet I feel as though I am carrying the weight of that decision on my shoulders. I feel as though any move I make to have her family a part of my life – my children’s lives – is going to be viewed as an act of disloyalty to her.
I know my mother can hold a grudge, that is evident. She still hasn’t been able to get passed my father’s infidelity from twenty-five years ago. Even her own blood relatives – how would I be any different if I crossed her?
The phone rang this morning; an unfamiliar number belonging to an area code that could only be one person. My Aunt B who is in town from across the country only for Liz’s visitation this evening.
I stared at it while it rang and just envisioned how hard it will be to be in a room with everyone this evening. Split down the middle, my mom on one side, the rest of the family – save a few who remain neutral – on the other side.
Who do I choose?
As much as I don’t want that to be the case, it is.
It’s a matter of choice.
Am I viewed as a traitor by my mother as I defect to the other side?
Am I viewed as my mother’s daughter as I remain at her side?
:::
I don’t even know if I want to go to the visitation this evening since I’ll have to endure it all in the morning anyway as we gather for the service. Not to mention, it’s also an hour and a half away and I said my good-byes in the hospital.
:::
I wrote this yesterday and then my internet went down so I wasn’t able to post it. I didn’t go to the visitation and my Aunt M and Grandma didn’t come to the reception after the funeral today. I’m not sure if that’s worse or better.
I did however make arrangements with them to have a REAL visit, hopefully this coming weekend.
My mom never said a word about it.
{ 8 comments }
How difficult for you to be caught in the middle. I can’t even imagine. I feel very lucky that my family doesn’t hold grudges like that (not to say that certain parts don’t, just not my immediate family).
I am also sorry for the loss of your Aunt.
Janna´s last blog post..~Preoccupied~
Reading this is like inching precariously out on a limb in my own family’s tree, and not knowing if I should keep going when I hear the branch start making that telltale cracking sound. I have family I’ve not seen for years because of issues so small it’s almost laughable.
Sorry for the place you’ve been put, and for the loss of your aunt.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog post..‘get the boys together get a ball get a run(s)’
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with family stuff on top of everything else.
My mom has never had a good relationship with her mother. They stopped speaking 8 years ago. After a lot of passive-aggressive BS on the part of my grandmother, I was told over a year later than her and my grandfather “wrote [me] off” when they wrote my mother off: simply being my mother’s daughter somehow translated into me being a no-mind idiot without an opinion of my own — they assumed that I would follow my mother’s lead without giving me a chance.
All that being said, Mom has always maintained that she wouldn’t stop any of us kids from having a relationship with our grandparents because it’s *her* issue. At the same time, she does get a little upset every time my sister goes over there (she just never says anything to my sister — we’re a passive-aggressive bunch all around *eye roll*).
I hope your visit goes well. *hugs*
Family feuding is the worst. I feel for you, Sam, and I’m sorry that you have to go through that – constantly.
My family is Italian/Sicilian — everyone runs hot and cold, grudges last forever and at any given moment, someone isn’t speaking to someone else.
Best of luck finding a balance somewhere in the neutral zone.
iMommy´s last blog post..The Other Reason I Married My Husband
You definitely have to do what YOU feel is right.
(PS – I read your title as ‘defecation’ – heh)
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog post..It’s Not Gonna Do Itself
I have an aunt I haven’t spoken to in nearly 10 years. This past Christmas she sent me a note that I decided to reply to. Since Christmas we’ve been exchanging emails a couple of times a week and have plans to get together the next time she is in town. She lives three hours away, but my cousin, her daughter, lives about 15 minutes from me. When my Mom found out she was less than impressed. We’ve talked about it and I explained my reasons and impressed upon her that there was no expectation for her to do anything and my being in contact with my Aunt changed nothing in our relationship This was just me, my decision. What my Mom decides is up to her. I don’t discuss my Mom with my Aunt and vice versa. So far it’s been working out just fine, but then it was a pretty low key break up. More of a drifting apart than any real drama. Which isn’t to say there aren’t old hurts there because there are. I hope you enjoy your visit.
Shan´s last blog post..knowing me, knowing you #2
I’m sorry, Sam. Family feuding is really yucky business. There’s quite a bit of it on my husband’s side and it’s exhausting. And it always really seems to come to a head at weddings and funerals.
I agree, family feuding is really among the worst things on Earth. It must be very difficult for you to be caught in the middle… I wish you luck to find a good balance!
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