This past Saturday, my brother and I took the leap.
We put our worries out of our minds: our worries about how our mother would react if she heard that we were trying to reconcile our relationship with people she’s so harshly cut from her life.
We took that overdue drive to visit our grandmother and aunt. Two women who used to have very prominent roles in our lives, which we haven’t seen in ten years because of family drama. Family drama, which for so long consumed all our lives. The wondering, the what ifs, the questions.
My mother has kept us in the dark for many years saying that we’ll never understand the reasons she has for cutting out her family. We were never sure about where we stood, leading us to be a little leery about what we should do or how we should approach a relationship again. How did whatever happen between them reflect on us? Were they mad at us because my mom had issues with them? Did they think we didn’t care anymore?
For years we just followed her lead: she is our mother after all; but as the years progressed we’ve slowly put more and more pieces together. We’ve realized that this is not our fight, nor do we want it to be. We don’t want this distance; this tension; this resentment anymore.
There were many, many revelations Saturday which I don’t care to divulge on the internet, but finally, after years. YEARS! I have been able to put pieces together and know some truths about what’s happened to my family.
It’s an amazing feeling to have those broken pieces -Â shattered pieces -Â culminate, just a little. Align, ever so slightly and shed some light on the questions we thought we would never have answers for.
It just so sad that it’s taken a death for my brother and I to realize that we are ALLOWED to make our own decisions.
I’m just sorry that it’s taken me so long to realize that I do have my own voice and I am allowed to disagree with mom’s decisions. For the longest time I worried about how these decisions would affect my relationship with her… but now I can say, I’m ready to take that leap. If not for me, but for my kids. My mother is allowed to have her grudges: she can live with her anger and hatred, whatever she wants to call it, but we – my brother and I – not going to carry that forward any longer.
I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself should my grandma pass away – knowing that I’ve deprived her of the chance to get to know her great-grandchildren over something that I am completely oblivious to.
The thing is: my grandma and my Aunt are unsure of what could have went so horribly wrong that her daughter; her sister would cut them out the way she has. Apparently the only person that has any idea as to what has divided our family is my mother.
And she won’t tell anyone the reason.
I am just so lost. So confused.
But! We’re working on getting back to family. It’s going to be a process – to get back the lost, last ten years.
But we’ve taken a huge step.
We’re committed.
{ 25 comments }
You are worth that effort.
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@flutter, thanks lady! xoxox
I really feel you in this entry cause ironically,I have a similar situation going on in my family.
Mom pretty much has her anger and hatred built up for several years towards certain people in the family and that somehow automatically puts me and my sibling on her side.Though I have pretty much snapped out of “boycott”,cause I feel I have the right to know what’s going on and make my own decisions.She is unhappy about it but try to sound liebral and supportive.I’m not going to make her agree with me but neither am I going to with hers.
I guess I’m over with the guilt of having to conform with Mom,just because she’s my mother and I have to take a side due to a conflict I’m not even a part of.
so do what you feel right
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@Kiara, Thank you! As crappy as it is that so many families have issues – it’s nice to know that we’re not alone.
I have a similar situation in that my mother hasn’t spoken much to her sisters (any of the four of them) since my grandmother passed away in 2006. The sharp contrast, though, is that I support her position (not saying you should support your mom’s, just saying that I know what happened in my situation and share my mom’s indignation).
But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve got family, family that were really close to me growing up, that I never see or hear from anymore.
It sucks.
SciFi Dad´s last blog post..An Open Letter
@SciFi Dad, It’s been really hard considering I have three cousins whom I barely know because of this.
I’m glad you went ahead and did it, and I hope it all works out.
x
@Vic, thanks! xoxox
Good for you.
sherendipity´s last blog post..I bought the dog food, but I left empty.
Like others have mentioned, I’ve got a similar situation in my family. There’s an entire branch of my paternal family tree that I haven’t seen in years. It has really started to bother me in recent years that there are people who I’m related to who, if we bumped into each other somewhere, we wouldn’t know each other. I’m glad you did this, and hope it opens up some really great renewed relationships for your family and your brother’s family.
@foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog), I’m the same way! Had I bumped into my youngest cousin I likely would not know how she is since I haven’t seen her since she was two!
My father did the same thing. There was some justification to it, because my aunt was a busy-body, but she also was involved in my older sisters and brothers’ lives in a very palpable way. She took them places and did things with them that my parents couldn’t afford. And he cut her out of their lives and deprived them of that, and of the relationships with that entire side of the family. I grew up never even knowing them.
I commend you for doing what you can to mend the rift. Sometimes, slights are imagined in one’s mind, and the years magnify them until they become insurmountable. Maybe that’s what happened to your mom.
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@Candy, I think that may be exactly what’s happened to my mom.
Good for you, sweetie, you are you own woman, as well as your mother’s daughter. That is a hard and valuable lesson to learn, and I speak from experience.
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@mrs.chicken, thanks friend! xoxox
Good for you both.
My mom did something similar and it took me years to break that hold and stop following her blindly. I’m the type of person that needs a reason at least and two sides of a story, preferably.
I am glad you are getting yours.
Hilly´s last blog post..The Third Annual Self-Love Day Is Almost Here!
@Hilly, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing – following her blindly simply because she’s my mother. It’s time I used my brain and came to my own conclusions. Whether it’s a conclusion that I’m happy with? Time will tell but I’d rather it be MY conculsion.
I’m proud of you for sucking it up. It must have been difficult for you to go against your mother like that and even more difficult to know that she might have been wrong.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah´s last blog post..Desert My Eye
@Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah, I think the hardest part may be that I don’t agree with my mother and that maybe I’ll think she was wrong… that’s what I’m willing to gamble though.
I know I called you on the phone, but I wanted to say I think you’re very brave and noble (yes noble) for doing this. Just think what you might regret if you didn’t take that leap.
xo
@Karen Sugarpants, Muwah! Love you friend.
I am glad that you finally found your voice. It is a hard thing to do as an adult child, to go against your mom’s wishes. I hope it all goes well.
justmylife´s last blog post..Weekend Update
That’s fantastic, Sam. Good for you for taking that step – couldn’t be easy, but I bet it will be rewarding. Maybe some day, you can ven mention to your mom that they seem confused, and that she might want to at last write them about what’s burning her up so. And then you could go and broker peace in the middle east! (I’m being flip, but really, I think it’s great for you and your wee ones. What a great example, too.)
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I found finding the strength to break away from the expectations of my parents was possibly one of the most difficult things I have done.
Sounds like you are on the road to building some new and strong relationships.
Wowowow. I totally relate to this. Thank you. My mother and uncle cut ties with their mother (my grandmother). I never had much of a relationship with her, but she did try at times. I should have insisted my mother invite her to my wedding.
I’m a lot like my grandmother. I think she could have helped me with some of my issues — the depression I inherited from her, for example. I think I could have shed light on her depression for her. We also shared a genuine love of literature. We used to talk about books.
The last time I saw her was at my “oofroof” (no idea how to spell that in English). It’s the ceremony Jewish people have before their wedding. She was there for the Bar Mitzvah that was also going on. Such a fluke. She gave me the darkest look as I walked past her. She past away not long after.
I was too young to make the decision to stray from my mom and unite with my grandmother — even though my mom always said that she’d support it. It takes a lot of maturity to do that. And you have that. Good for you. It’s a beautiful choice. It’ll make you very happy.
Keep us posted. Hopefully, you can bring your mom, aunt and grandmother together again, too….
(Sorry for the long comment. This is something I can’t talk about on my own blog.)
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