The Proverbial Cherry On Top

For those of you who are playing a long at home, this is what the past two months of my life have endured:

If you really don’t give a shit what’s been going on, then at least skip to the end because as traumatic as it was, it’s fuckin’ funny.

December:

Two weeks before Christmas, Mike lost his job

January:

We found out that my aunt (who’s really my second cousin) was suffering, once again, with a brain tumour and this time was terminal. She then passed away.

Mike went back to work, FINALLY! and that very same day a suspension coil broke, shredding the tire. Luckily Mike was safe and fine. The car? Fine – after about $600 worth of repairs. (Did I mention it was Mike’s first day back after being off for 6 MOTHER HUMPING WEEKS?)

At my aunt’s funeral, my brother and I decided it was time to start talking to our family again, after 10 years of following blindly we’ve jumped, feet first into resurrecting our relationships with our family, hoping that our relationship with our mother will remain intact.

February:

Shortly thereafter, my great-aunt’s dementia had increased significantly. She hadn’t been taking her meds and went to stay with family – whom I was just beginning to have a relationship with again. I drove back and forth daily to help my grandma care for her ailing sister-in-law.

Both kids have come down with the flu. It’s been a week and a half from HELL. Hudson doesn’t sleep at night – or during the day for that matter – and I am delirious with exhaustion most days.

Not to mention – I took Carter to the walk-in clinic because he seemed so sick. Wouldn’t you know that as soon as we see the doctor he’s tell her that he’s fine and he just wants to go home. The doctor agreed with him making me look like a freakin’ headcase of a hypochondriac.

** THIS IS WHERE YOU WANT TO START READING IF YOU’RE SKIPPING AHEAD! **

Hudson’s been having constipation issues from baby cereal. I stopped feeding him cereal for a while and then started again hoping that his system had matured a bit and that it would hold him off through the night.

Apparently his system’s still not all that mature because he got completely bunged up again. I gave him a glycerin suppository as I had done quite a few times before.

Yes, I’m getting to Teh Funny. Hold on!

So, I positioned him in front of me.

Bum towards me.

Know where this is going yet?

I inserted the suppository and tried to soothe him a little as I held it in place. Soon, I felt him begin to squirm and then some pressure, so I began to remove the tablet. Just as I did that, a HUGE turd flew from his arse and hit me in the chest.

I got shot with a piece of shit.

Literally.

I freaked a little, but was glad that poop came out and he would be a little more comfortable. So I began to insert it once more hoping that it would ease his pain and we could move past the Fligging Shit at Mommy incident.

But we were not moving past it.

No siree.

We were in the thick of it because this time ANOTHER turd shot me in the chest. This one of a softer consistency making it STICK TO MY SHIRT.

I screamed.

Hudson cried the blue-in-the-face-I’m-going-to-die cry.

I took off my shit shirt (luckily I was wearing a tank top underneath) and got him settled, and as I turned to grab more wipes he let out a little sigh and then proceeded to PISS ON ME.

I screamed.

Hudson cried the blue-in-the-face-I’m-going-to-die cry.

And it was only 9am.

So ya. It’s been a crappy couple months – pun intended, of course -  and this morning was the preverbial cherry on top.

Hopefully things can only go up from here, right?

Right?

OMG, they HAVE to get better from here. Please, let them get better from here.

Tagged as: baby, drama, life, poop