I am Officially Kristen Chase’s Bitch

Hahaha funny, the automatic permalink maker made it “I am Officially Kristen Chase” and that is SOOO not true. No one but Kristen Chase can be Kristen Chase.

Enough with the name dropping already!

So an innocent evening of twittering turned into an OMGWTF!? moment when I decided to join the #shredheads movement. Though I have yet to start (still waiting for the video to arrive – Let’s get on it Chapters, I’m awaiting!) I have begun with some Wii Fit – which is a completely different post all together.

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I am not comfortable with putting myself out there, physically. Mentally I can handle, but physically is just so complicated and intimidating. Typically, when you meet someone new, their first impression of you in completely physical. Your hairstyle, fashion sense (or lack thereof), posture and stance can either send a person running for the hills or give them a sense of comfort to approach you.

I feel as though I give people the sense that I am unapproachable, which I completely am (so if you see me at BlogHer all alone, PLEASE come say hi!) it’s just that I’m unsure and uncomfortable with ME.

As my weight has increased over the years with lack of activity, improper eating habits and plain laziness I’ve noticed I’ve developed more of a slouch – shoulders down and in towards my chest – as if to conceal the weight: a subconscious form of protection I suppose, but regardless it’s noticeable to me. This thing is? A slouch will make one appear LARGER then they actually are, so I really am not benefiting at all from this habit and it needs to stop. If one gives the aura of confidence others will believe it.

At nine months postpartum I want to get back to some semblance of my former self. Throughout high school I was very active, constantly playing sports, walking, riding my bike. I never once thought about what I was eating and what part it would have on my figure, I just ate and exercised; life was far simpler then, and even though I’m no longer a teenager, I’d like to have that ability to eat what I like and not worry about what part of my body it’s going to inflate.

I now have a love-hate relationship with the mirror. I see the person I am now. I see the stretchmarks, the love handles and then extra flap of skin from carrying two very large lovable babies. I see a body of a mother. I am not ashamed of it, but I’m not in love with it either. Beneath the extra flap of skin, the large nursing breasts and the armpit fat which rolls to my back is still that person I am inside. No matter my physical appearance, I still have my morals, mannerisms and love for life I’ve always had.

(My hair’s wet from just having a shower, not greasy m’kay?)

Beneath the weight, I am me.

My goal is not to reach a number because no matter then number I can and will probably find fault. My goal is to be comfortable in this new body which, over the past four years, has been through some serious changes that cannot be undone. Now and forever, I am a mother and with that comes certain baggage *ahem* which cannot be altered – like the width of my hips or the slight curve of my spine.

My goal is to find solace in being me; to love me and all that I am because size is not directly porportional to ones self-worth. And though we all know in our hearts that’s the truth, it doesn’t hurt to feel good about yourself on the outside as well.

This is me now being accountable for myself and my life. You are welcome to come along, and bear witness.

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This shredding endeavour is obviously just the start and I don’t expect to lose all the weight I am hoping to see gone within the 30 days, but this is my jumping off point, and depending on how this goes here, it may or may not find its own home in the future.

Interested in joining along? Just contact Kristen and I’m sure she’ll add you on!

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Tagged as: life, love mothering, shredding, weightloss