When I couldn’t make it to LA for Madeline’s service I was heart broken – still am – but my passport is expired and there’s just no conceivable way I would have gotten it in time to fly there ( us Canadians can’t fly to the US with all our fantasticness without one). In my mind I feel as though I was /am less of a friend because I couldn’t be there in person for Heather and Mike when they needed NEED so much support.
I’ve been wearing purple just about every day, had my nails painted purple, I’ve blogged, created a blog, helped my new home girl Jenn move a blog and re-tweeted more than I ever have in my life, yet I feel like I haven’t done enough. I feel like there is just so much more I can and should be doing.
And in no way am I trying to diminish everything that everyone else has done, no matter how small. The most important thing is that Maddie’s memory is alive. This is strictly about me and only me.
But no matter what I do it will never be enough. I will never replace what they’ve lost. I will never be able to bring Madeline back or take away their pain. I am fighting against an overwhelming current of sadness and tears which I can’t quite manage; instead I tumble and twirl into the eddies just hoping for a mere second where I can break loose and catch a breath before I dive right back in.
Heather and I were emailing back and forth last night when the news came in the mail. I fired back emails about working on moving her blog, Rigby and Mordecai, everything and anything I could babble on about to distract her as she had requested. I wanted nothing more than to be in that living room, take that mail from her hand and tell her it’s okay to wait. Tell her it’s okay to just grieve her loss and not read that painful, painful document. (Because seriously California? You HAVE to come up with a better way of getting a death certificate to grieving parents. You’re on notice Cali. Buck up.)
As much as I didn’t want her to read it, if I were in the same situation, I would have to. All I could do what sit here, at the other end of our wireless, cold, connection as I waited for her to reach out, and thankfully she did. We chatted back and forth about the most mundane things to distract her until the wee hours of my east coast morning, and yet I still feel as though I have failed her and Mike by not being there (because I have a tendency to want to interject myself into situations where I don’t need to be, it’s a habit).
See, totally about me.
One of the most important things we can do, as their community, is keep Maddie’s memory alive. Come the day that the walks have ended, the donations dwindle and it seems as though everything we can do has been done, remember that there is always more: a quick tweet, an email, even a card can mean so much.
Mother’s Day is mere 17 days away.
Father’s Day shortly thereafter.
I don’t know what else to say other than both Mike and Heather’s strength is completely and utterly admirable. Her and Mike both have been so giving throughout this whole ordeal with letting everyone into their lives; letting us grieve their loss along side them, virtually holding hands along the way.
:::
Help convince Hugh Jackman to donate $100, 000 to the March of Dimes in Madeline’s name: here’s how.
I’m heading to Indianapolis Friday with Karen on to walk along side Casey as we March for Maddie. Casey has been generous enough to put us up for the weekend so long as we ply her with Canadian chocolate, which is pretty damn generous of her.
So please, if you can, donate to support our cause. Even a dollar can go along way because all pledges go towards helping families of babies born too soon or sick. Monies raised helps fund research to find answers for some serious problems that threaten babies just like Maddie Moo.
PrincessJenn says:
I don’t think you realize exactly how much you HAVE done. Creating March for Maddie in only a day was nothing short of a feat of wonder. You inspire us all with your love for Heather and Mike, and most of all, Maddie.
Just remember there’s lots of us who love you too! Hugs.
~ Jenn
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Jenna@gmail.com says:
Girl, you have done so much. But I understand feeling inadequate, no matter what you do. Because you can’t do the one thing that would fix it all. You can’t turn the clock back and undo Maddie’s passing.
We all do the best we can, and hope that it’s enough.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Jodee says:
Hi,
This was a great post. I know Mike and Heather appreciate all you are doing. And you are doing a fantastic job!!!
Jodee´s last blog post..Hugh Jackman and Twitter and Maddie Spohr
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Sarcastica says:
You are amazing Sam, and don’t ever doubt it. Like it was already mentioned, you guys created a March of Dimes walk in a matter of hours and days. You’re reaching your goals fast and every little bit helps. But I know what you mean about wanting to do more.
I RT at Huge Jackman all the time, and other MoD things too. I have a banner on my blog and wear purple and basically think purple too. But I want to do more, even though I’ve never personally met Mike or Heather, or had the pleasure of communicating with them via the web. I wish I could take away the heartache and make things better, and I know you do too.
This weekend, I’ll be there in spirit (since Karen won’t let my high risk prego ass (as she calls it) join – and it’s probably not the best idea anyway).
I bet Heather and Mike are insanely grateful for all you’ve done!
Sarcastica´s last blog post..What I Really Wanted
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Sticky says:
You are a wonderful person and an amazing friend…Huge hugs to you for everything that you have done and continue to do – your heart is so BIG-
Love you…
Sticky´s last blog post..The one where Sticky gets gifts…
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
iMommy says:
You’ve been one of the biggest forces in shouting Maddie’s name from the rooftops, spreading her story and love, and paying her the respect and honor she is due. You’ve done wonderfully, and you will continue to. Amazing.
iMommy´s last blog post..Madeline Alice Spohr
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
Do what you know feels right.
You’ll always know you’re right.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog post..Wordless: 4.22.9 – THOSE EYES Edition
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:52 pm
flutter says:
I continue to say. I am proud of you. Love you.
flutter´s last blog post..New Skin
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:42 am
Karen says:
I think you’re pretty incredible. This is such a sad circumstance, but I’m meeting so many amazing people. Have a great trip and a great walk
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Haley-O says:
You are amazing. A true friend and wicked compassionate person. I hope the walk went well! Thinking of all you walkers and, of course, the Spohrs.
Haley-O´s last blog post..Work-at-Home Mom
April 25th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Midwest Mommy says:
I think about Heather, Mike and Maddie all the time. From what I can tell you are an amazing friend and I am so glad Heather has people like you in her life right now.
*As a side note I can’t tell you how many knock, knock jokes I twitted to Hugh. I felt like I was punched in the gut when he announced who he was donating the money to. I was convinced because of the timing of everything (announcing he willingness to donate to a charity right after her service, making the announcement of who he chose the day before the walk) I just thought it was meant to go for March of Dimes.
Midwest Mommy´s last blog post..It was beautiful!
April 26th, 2009 at 4:43 pm