I, for one, prefer maps. I like reviewing the map and writing my directions out by hand. I like to have all exits, turns and distances clocked out and written down for reference. I like to see the big picture.
I love my tech gadgets, but I’ve typically thought of GPS as being too annoying and quite worrisome because well, computers can mess with you sometimes, and I don’t like being messed with while I’m driving – especially in another country.
And I was right.
For our trip to Indiana, my dad offer to lend us his GPS and I agreed thinking that we would use it just as a back-up to the maps.
As a GPS newbie I was unfamiliar with the fact that YOU NEVER USE A GPS IN CONJUNCTION WITH MAPS. Not EVER.
Nor did I know that the stupid wench would repeat herself a billion times.
In 600 meters turn Left onto I69.
Turn left onto I69.
Turn left onto I69.
And! if you decided NOT to listen to the GPS.
Re-calculating….
Re-calculating….
Through Michigan the wench inside the GPS, who we affectionately named “Gretchen” was really pissed at us because we tried to use our maps in conjunction with her and she was having none of that.
You could hear the tone in her voice getting shrill and aggravated with each Re-calculating… as well progressed.
At one point I was sure if she had arms I would be bitched slapped.
The best part? Gretchen telling us to pull an illegal U-turn in the middle of a four lane road. I shit you not.
In 200 meters make a U-turn.
Make a U-turn.
Re-calculating…..
Please follow the highlighted route…
Luckily for the on-coming traffic I used my super human intuition and did NOT do as she said (unlike this dolt), which surely just pissed Gretchen off more.
I was mad at Gretchen.
There was clearly some trust issues between us, but you can’t blame me. I was a little put off by being encourage to commit traffic violations in a foreign country. How would I explain that to a State Trooper?
Sorry officer! My GPS told me to!
Riiight.
But eventually Getchen worked her way into my heart when she brought us full circle back to Target when I restarted her after our stop. She knew we weren’t ready to leave.
I think I hit something when I started the trip back up and Gretchen ended up bringing up full circle around the mall and back to Target. I couldn’t help but laugh even though I was still pissed off at her for her shitty illegal u-turn advice.
But then, in an attempt at redemption, Gretchen detoured me around construction in Indianapolis and got us back to Casey‘s house about 10 minutes faster than Casey, which was pretty damn nice of her.
Thanks Gretch!
Now, somewhat in our good books, we decided to forgo the maps all together on the way home leaving ourselves to Gretchen’s devices. She utterly FAILED at getting us to a Chick-Fil-A (pronounced Chick-Flah*) where we were taken to another remote location under construction and instructed to pull another u-turn. Dammit Gretch, you’re really pissing me off. Now you mess with Chick-Flah? You’re a bitch Gretch. A real bitch.
Forgetting Chick-Flah we got back on the Interstate where we were instructed to pull OFF the Interstate and take some back country through Ohio. Again, I was angry that I let Gretchen mess with me.
If the GPS were smart it would know not to mess with a Canadian when it comes to American treats like Target and Chick-Flah.
I was sure this was payback for not listening to her instructions previously, and as we passed house after house, trailer park after trailer park, I knew we were being taken for a ride. Literally. How could a two lane road in Ohio back country with a speed limit of 40 miles be FASTER than the Interstate?
About 45 minutes into our trip through the bowels of Ohio, Hudson shit his pants.
We were scared shitless HA! a little worried about stopping anywhere because the broken down abandoned truck-stops and dilapidated houses just screamed cheesy horror movie, where at one point I was convinced we were going to be part of the third installment of Jeepers Creepers. Had it been night time I think I would have peed my pants, because there is truly NOTHING scarier than being in a strange weirdo place when the sun goes down. THAT is when all the creeps come out to play. Unless we were in Jeepers Creepers of course, because that creepy truck driver is all kindsa crazy day or night.
After about 1 million miles of back country (Nice to meet you Ohio!) and a very quick stop to change a diaper (Hudson’s not mine)Â we came upon some semblance of humanity as Gretchen decided to take us back to the Interstate, finally.
I’m sure she was thinking: Ha! I fucked your shit up didn’t I? Serves you right. From now on you will heed my direction you stupid Canadian bitches.
But! It was then we realized Gretch was taking us back to MY house and forgetting an all too important drop-off in Strath-Vegas which required a completely different border crossing into Canada.
NIIICE.
At this point I will mention that before we left I was reminded that, by all accounts, I was to avoid Detroit.
Yes, true Ontario snobbery. Detroit is like the sister city to Hamilton or Windsor which “we” have lovingly coined at the armpit (or crotch) of Ontario.
Not only did we drive through Detroit, but I think I saw every abandoned factory and smashed out, tagged building there is in that city. The stereotypical OMG-WTF-am-I-doing-here? Detroit. The only thing missing was Eminem serenading us.
Eventually we made it home without incident. Gretch was packed away to be returned to her rightful owner, and though I never plan on buying one, I now have a soft spot for that self-righteous, cynical bitch Gretchen.
* Yes, I now know that it’s pronounced Chick-Fil-A (just as it’s spelt), you can blame my Canadian accent for the confusion. And! Chick-Flah is more fun. Deal with it.
{ 24 comments }
Had I known you were going to be driving through Detroit I would have sent you with a gun.
GPS and Canadians should not be mixed.
Too bad she didn’t bring you back to my house. Although she got you here the first time, so I guess I should be grateful for that.
xoxo
@moosh in indy., I wish she brought me back to you! I miss you terribly. *hugs*
at least she got me back to exit six-tee-nine!
Karen Sugarpants´s last blog post..Here’s the Thing: Sex Edu-ma-cation
@Karen Sugarpants, OMG LOL.
Exit Six – tee – nine.
it’s a banner day to be a cougar, sam!
recalculating.
ali´s last blog post..the guitar-toting, toothless nun.
@ali, I wonder if they even realized that when they made it because if they did that would be even better!
Ok this just made me laugh so much… I could just hear Gretchen tell you to go in the wrong direction. Reminds me of the commercial where the GPS told the guy to turn here and he did but into a store front.
I am one of those people who still gets lost with a GPS because I can’t read maps to save my life oh well.
Love you blog keep it up!
Jodee´s last blog post..Do people really care?
@Jodee, Thanks Jodee!! I wonder if people that create GPS’s mess with them on purpose just to mess with people using them.
It’s a conspiracy. LOL
So glad that bitch got you home safely. I’ve only used a GPS once…totally screwed me up….I was very thankful for road signs that day.
@Mrs. Schmitty, It just feels weird. It’s not natural to have a computer to all your thinking.
I’m still pissed about the U-turn thing. LOL
We took our GPS to Ottawa last fall and it took us to a nudie bar when all we wanted was Swiss Chalet AND it led us into a townhouse complex when we were trying to find a convenience store. We blamed it on the fact that Henrietta, our GPS’s name, was from BC and was just as lost as we were. Also, I’m of the same mind as you when it comes to maps. I always print out the Google Maps directions as a backup. I once had my GPS run out of batteries (left the cord at home) while travelling to a soccer game and not only could I not find where my daughter’s team was playing, I had no way of finding coffee in a strange city. There were a lot of tiny violins playing that day.
@Procrastamom, Swiss Chalet or nudies. Suuure.
See? That’s exactly why I think the people making them are messing with us.
Hee – I had a GPS when I was out at Niagara last summer – Tootie went SILENT once I hit the bridge into Canada…..what kind of help was that??
recalculating. *snort*
daysgoby´s last blog post..thursday night commercial, scene nine
@daysgoby, well that just sucks. WHY? Why can’t they just work? Geez.
Oh, your story had me giggling. For some reason, it reminded me of that scene in Grease 2 (woohoo! Michelle Pfeiffer!) when the girls are driving to school and one of them screams “OMG, I’m going to die, and I’m wearing my mother’s underwear!!!”
I don’t think I’ll ever use a GPS. But then I also said I’d never ever get a cell phone or an mp3 player…
Nenette´s last blog post..the 2nd annual freebie list – who’s on your list in 2009?
@Nenette, but do they tell you to do an illegal u-turn in a forgien country? I think not.
@samantha, good point… I guess unless I was on the cell phone with someone who told me to do the illegal “u”-y or I was listening to a song on my mp3 player that was about doing an illegal “u”-y, those things are safer than a GPS.
Nenette´s last blog post..the 2nd annual freebie list – who’s on your list in 2009?
What kind of a person AM I? I totally want a GPS now. I think I’ll name her “Marie”.;)
Sammanthia´s last blog post..If Johnny Depp Is Still Having A Hard Time Finding Neverland, I Think I Can Point Him In The Right Direction.
@Sammanthia, But you can’t name it until you hear the voice.
That’s the rules.
The rules of giving your computerized GPS a name and make it human-like are very strict you know.
We have a totally love hate relationship with ours (which also now happens to be my phone). I tend to only use it when I’m absolutely desperate, and even then ignore most of what it says in favour of driving where I think I should.
As for affectionately naming the thing, ours goes by ‘that damned thing!’
OMG I am dying here!!!! We had the same experience when we went to the Grand Canyon in Arizona, but we named our GPS Maria. BUT, I want one LOL I want a built in one
Yeah, that bitch Gretchen would have gone out the window.
Woops, skipped a letter for my link!
kristi´s last blog post..Jolly ranchers…yum
I… have no idea how I ended up here – probably a journal through a journal through a journal. But I have to say this about GPS, even though this is an old entry and why am I not responded to something more recent -
- it isn’t just you.
To preserve my
husband’s lifemarriage, we started using VZ Navigator – it’s a GPS thing through Verizon Wireless – and it it pretty great. You can avoid toll roads and highways (for the most part, because sometimes a highway is the only way to get somewhere), the update last Summer provided traffic, and MOVIE TIMES.Of course, you have to run through your settings.
I used to change things when it was on my phone so that it always avoided toll roads, but you could also change directions if you were a pedestrian, on a bike, or, I kid you not, a HORSE…
My husband does not have this kind of saavy.
Which is why I almost always make him drive when we use it.
SIDENOTE: our navigator always sounds pissed if we miss like, three turns – I swear there’s a difference in tone!
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