It’s What I Do

So ya. Monday.

I return to work.

Full-time.

Outside of the house.

I have to go to work.

Work.

Typing it even gives me a sense of loss.

When I left back in April of 2008 I was sure of my return. I knew I was going back, afterall it’s what I do. I always knew I would be a working mom; my mom worked, my aunts worked, very few people I know have children and stay home with them.

After Carter was born and we had a year together, I was ready to get back. I was excited about leaving the house daily, getting dressed, showering and dropping him off at the daycare so he could have his time away from mom. I will have my time.

I’m finding it incredibly difficult to be as excited as I was before.

Honestly, I’m finding it difficult to be excited at all.

I know there is a potential to be Dooced for writing about work in such a way, but my employer, should he happen upon my site, is very understanding and knows that I take my job seriously. Because I have these feelings doesn’t make me any less of a great employee. These are natural feelings which every mother whom returns to work feels some time or another.

Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

So Monday morning, I will be woken up by the shrill, cold blare of my alarm clock before the sun. I will pad across the cool wooden floor in the dark, shower and dress shrouded in silence hoping not to wake the kids too early.

I will pack them both into the car and drop each off in their respective classrooms at the daycare centre. I will then make my way to the office. I will carry my boxes to my desk and unpack this alternate version of my life.

All while I’ve left my heart in a centre a few miles away with my two boys.

Hudson has yet to take his first steps. I will likely miss them while I converse with co-workers, type out invoices and field client questions. He will cuddle into another persons’ shoulder as he gets sleepy after his bottle and be picked up from his nap into awaiting arms which are not mine. Someone else will kiss his boo-boos, feed him lunch and make him laugh.

I will pick them up from they daycare having missed these things day in and day out.

This is what I do.

Tagged as: children, life moments, work