I dreamt of you last night. It’s been happening more and more frequently which has been driving me crazy because I can’t understand why, after all these years, a simple dream can bring back all those feelings of first love. Those heart wrenching pains which I don’t think can ever be forgotten. The love. The heart break. The loss.
Hit with the pangs of nostalgia, I think about what could have been. How happy we were and if that would still be the case. Would we have survived if we gave our all? Would we still be together? Would we have the fun and laughs we shared back then – would they still be part of our everyday lives? What if I had opened up more; told you how I really felt. Would it have made a difference or would the outcome have been the same?
I can’t help but think about those “what if’s” each time your face crosses my mind. As I remember those butterflies, the longing, I can’t help but want it again. How holding your hand was all I needed. The somersaults of my stomach when you so much as glanced at me. The way my heart would leap into my throat when I heard your voice.
I wanted to be with you so bad. Forever.
Sometimes I think I still do.
Sometimes I feel as though I owe it to myself: to just pick up the phone and pour my heart out. But what good would that really do seeing as we’re both married? I don’t think I even want anything to come of it. I just want you to know that I am continually dealing with this angst of lost love and dammit, if I have to suffer so should you.
I keep telling myself that it was good while it lasted, but it’s over. It will never again be as it was.
My heart won’t believe me.
Apparently neither will my brain because it keeps sending my heart these loving messages of Some Day keeping me longing for That Day. My subconscious works overtime to keep those feelings alive. To keep you alive. To keep the longing alive.
I guess I just want to know if you think about me. Do you have those same feelings rushing back out of nowhere flooding your heart so quick it’s impossible to catch a breath?
Because I do.
Oh God do I ever.
Stefanie says:
Beautiful.
Stefanie´s last blog post..Bed Head
May 15th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Jennifer says:
I go through the exact same thing! It’s been years since I’ve seen or talked to this guy, and all of a sudden, BAM! What causes these dreams to come out of nowhere?
Jennifer´s last blog post..Ok, the Squirrels are NO LONGER Cute…
May 15th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Sticky says:
I agree – Just beautiful…
Sticky´s last blog post..Bitter Betty
May 15th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
pgoodness says:
Sigh. Yes.
pgoodness´s last blog post..First t-ball game!
May 15th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Karen says:
Intense.
I’ve never been *that* in love before. Awesome that you have, but this is all kinda sad.
Karen´s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?
May 15th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Loralee says:
Word.
Loralee´s last blog post..Help, help! I’m being repressed!!
May 15th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) says:
I know this same feeling, these same thoughts. I’ve talked to him, and sometimes…sometimes knowing he thinks the same thing makes it that much harder. So..yeah…
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog post..what about prom, blane? no. what about prom? no. WHAT ABOUT PROM!
May 15th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Andrea says:
Beautiful!
But, not knowing is better then knowing. Believe me. I’m having the same gut wrenching feelings & memories flooding back on me only my “used to be” is contacting me. He’s married and I’m practically married. His calls & texts & emails are not helping to bury the past.
No good can come of this one! Lol
May 15th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Lynn says:
I’m afraid that the poignant longing of a lost love is always better than the reality of being with a flawed, imperfect human being.
But it’s always nice to dream…
Lynn´s last blog post..Huh?
May 16th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Jen says:
I’ve been having the same sorts of dreams lately. I wake up and can still feel the heartbreak. I wish it would go the hell away – I mean I’m happily married for cripes sakes (no really I am). Sometimes l wonder if he ever gets the same feelings, I don’t think I could handle the knowing either way though.
Jen´s last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts – Holy Shitto Batman
May 16th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Krystle | Snarky Kisses says:
Oh Sam. I know EVERYTHING you are saying, I do that too – quit a bit. I have a blog that I write stuff like this out on… and… well, I’ll message it to you as it’s private.
Just know I know EXACTLY, every fiber of what you’re feeling… I do too. More often than I should.
…emailing you now.
Krystle | Snarky Kisses´s last blog post..Life is so so so very short…
May 16th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Lynn says:
Yes. All.the.time.
I agree that I think not knowing is better.
May 16th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Deb says:
Wow, that got me. sigh.
May 16th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
maggie, dammit says:
I used to do this. For me it was a form of escapism, like wine and books and old movies. Except it’s far, far more dangerous and damaging, even when you think it’s not.
Happy birthday! (What, it’s still Saturday in Canada, right? Heh.)
May 17th, 2009 at 9:29 am
moosh in indy. says:
IZ EMAILING YOOO.
Epiphany, I haz one.
moosh in indy.´s last blog post..faith.
May 17th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Mama Bub says:
Oh, yes. Me TOO.
Mama Bub´s last blog post..I just can’t help myself
May 17th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
MammaLoves says:
I thought I was the only one…
Last blog post by MammaLoves..A Note to My Youngest on His Last Day of Preschool
May 29th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Al_Pal says:
Awww. *hugs*
June 16th, 2009 at 7:45 am