Dreamt of You Again

I dreamt of you last night. It’s been happening more and more frequently which has been driving me crazy because I can’t understand why, after all these years, a simple dream can bring back all those feelings of first love. Those heart wrenching pains which I don’t think can ever be forgotten. The love. The heart break. The loss.

Hit with the pangs of nostalgia, I think about what could have been. How happy we were and if that would still be the case. Would we have survived if we gave our all? Would we still be together? Would we have the fun and laughs we shared back then – would they still be part of our everyday lives? What if I had opened up more; told you how I really felt. Would it have made a difference or would the outcome have been the same?

I can’t help but think about those “what if’s” each time your face crosses my mind. As I remember those butterflies, the longing, I can’t help but want it again. How holding your hand was all I needed. The somersaults of my stomach when you so much as glanced at me. The way my heart would leap into my throat when I heard your voice.

I wanted to be with you so bad. Forever.

Sometimes I think I still do.

Sometimes I feel as though I owe it to myself: to just pick up the phone and pour my heart out. But what good would that really do seeing as we’re both married? I don’t think I even want anything to come of it. I just want you to know that I am continually dealing with this angst of lost love and dammit, if I have to suffer so should you.

I keep telling myself that it was good while it lasted, but it’s over. It will never again be as it was.

My heart won’t believe me.

Apparently neither will my brain because it keeps sending my heart these loving messages of Some Day keeping me longing for That Day. My subconscious works overtime to keep those feelings alive. To keep you alive. To keep the longing alive.

I guess I just want to know if you think about me. Do you have those same feelings rushing back out of nowhere flooding your heart so quick it’s impossible to catch a breath?

Because I do.

Oh God do I ever.

Tagged as: life moments, lost love, the past