I watched Jon & Kate Plus 8 last night. It was not what I expected.
From the buzz around the internet, the tabloid mess of (un)truths, I expected to see Kate turn green, rippled with muscles and out break people in two.
Instead I saw a deeply confused and hurt woman crying out for someone who appears to no longer be available to her. I saw her needing emotional support, love and companionship.
I saw myself.
The chatter I’ve heard and the stories I’ve read callously call Kate an attention hungry, angry bitch that expects the world to revolve around her. She’s a neglectful parent and evil wife, a cold-hearted employer and a fame whore.
I see a confused, overwhelmed woman who is watching her marriage slip away while being filmed for the world to see. I see a scared, angry and very worried lady who is unsure of everything around her.
People have been talking about how Kate played up the fact that she has to do everything and she has to take all the kids by herself to get the party decorations while Jon “decided he needed a weekend off”- but tell me this: WHO DOESN’T DO THAT?! You can’t sit there and tell me that you have never played up the fact that you’ve had to do ALL the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, the parenting while your significant other goes out golfing / shopping / girl’s weekend / boy’s weekend – whatever. So Kate’s little “woe is me” moment was caught on tape? That gives us the right to call her a bitch; needy; demanding; etc.?
I do it. ALL THE TIME. I complain that I have to get the kids ready in the morning, I have to do pick up and drop off at daycare, I have to remember to take something out for dinner, I have to make sure the bills are paid, I have to do the laundry…WE ALL DO.
Marriage is tough. I’ve said that before. Things begin to unravel and by the time you realize it, they can be so far gone that it’s hard to work on even in a regular situation – like with TWO children – nevermind EIGHT.
There’s talk about the fact that Kate’s never home because she’s out “whoring” her new book instead of being home with the children. A neglectful mom who is more concerned with her fame and fortune than her children? I doubt it. Maybe a mom that has a chance to realize her dream of writing a book while HER HUSBAND stays home with the kids after he quit his job to be home. Had she been home and NOT working while Jon busted his ass everyday the tables would surely have been turned to call her a mooch – or lazy – because she didn’t have a job of her own.
I can tell you, if I had the option to write a book, have a television show and a new house for my eight children – children who likely eat about a grand worth of food a week, grow like weeds and will eventually be heading off to a post-secondary school requiring THOUSANDS MILLIONS of dollars in tuition – I’d do it in a heartbeat. Compared to working a dead-end job with limited chance for advancement or a salary to afford those eight kids even the bare minimum, it’s a pretty cushy job that one would be pretty silly to turn down.
Those of us with personal blogs, sharing stories of our family and have ads on our site are no different – though the scale is much less, it’s the same. So as we sit at the other end of our computers writing about Jon and Kate being fame whores for sharing every little detail about their family and their marriage – WHAT DOES THAT MAKE US?
Overall, I was deeply saddened by the show; because not only is this family falling apart before our very eyes while we critique their every move, I saw myself and my marriage play out on that television screen.
The way Jon and Kate worked around each other, ignoring each other as they passed? That’s my life.
As they conversed for the sake of the children – emotionless, heartless conversation solely for the purpose of the kids – THAT IS MY LIFE.
The blaming each other because of the unevenly distributed workload – MY LIFE.
It was truly an eye opener to see. Sad, heartbreaking and scary, but an eye opener nonetheless.
Jen says:
true
Last blog post by Jen..Lonely
May 27th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Kris says:
You are absolutely right. I felt really bad for her, and felt that she really is in a no-win situation. I wanted to smack Jon in the face during the whole episode. I felt he was behaving like a child himself.
On the other hand, I can also kind of understand how Jon is feeling. As someone who loves her job and feels she needs to work outside the home – I understand how he must be feeling now that he no longer has that external outlet. Granted it was his choice (just like I choose to be on mat leave for 12 months), but he probably didn’t predict feeling so lost without that that had always defined him. I kept thinking that if he went back to work, if both of them had outside interests, they would probably both be much happier.
I just sort of felt bad for all of them – including the kids because there is no way that kids don’t pick up on the tension between the parents. But I kept thinking that they’ve brought this on by inviting the cameras into thier home – but you know what? You are right! Any of us would do the same. I hadn’t thought of it that way. So thanks for sharing.
Last blog post by Kris..Naked at a Sales Meeting
May 27th, 2009 at 9:50 am
maya says:
What a beautiful post. You are right. Who are we to judge them? We really are no different except we dont have camera documenting our every move.
May 27th, 2009 at 9:51 am
ali says:
This was exactly what I was thinking as I watched the show. I was sad, and wished they would jsut stop the show and work on fixing their lives. No one needs all that for the world to see.
I hope things get better for them. And for you.
Last blog post by ali..RTT
May 27th, 2009 at 9:55 am
ali says:
This was exactly what I was thinking as I watched the show. I was sad, and wished they would jsut stop the show and work on fixing their lives. No one needs all that for the world to see.
I hope things get better for them. And for you.
May 27th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Midwest Mommy says:
It was very sad and I will say last night I watched it for the first time and I have re-watched it for a total of 3 viewings. It is hard to watch but there is just so much there to see.
Last blog post by Midwest Mommy..Game Night
May 27th, 2009 at 10:05 am
PrincessJenn says:
I agree with what you say. We are all reflected in Kate and we need to be not so quick to judge. I’m sorry you feel your marriage so closely reflects hers. ((hugs))
Last blog post by PrincessJenn..Uneven Equality
May 27th, 2009 at 10:30 am
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) says:
I’m thrilled you wrote this! Thrilled!! I watched the show yesterday morning before going to work, and confess that I thought of little else during free moments of my day than the look on their faces as they sat there at the end of the show. It was painful to see how distant they are and the refusal they have to even look at each other. To me, I saw a man who has shut down completely and a woman who is too afraid to look at her husband for fear she’ll either break down into an emotional wreck or lunge at him in anger.
Or perhaps that’s just my projections on it. Because I have sat on a couch with my husband and we’ve looked the very same way. More than once.
I was honestly in tears watching the episode. I hurt for both of them. I kept waiting for either one of them to say they were there for each other as well as for the kids…but mostly for each other. I saw the same woman you did, and it breaks my heart. We all make choices. That’s the beauty and the agony of free will. HOWEVER, to blame someone else for the choices that are being made, as it seems the Internet is full of when you read so much about people justifying Jon’s alleged affair because of Kate’s personality, is a cop out. It pisses me off.
I love this post, and I love that you wrote it. In my head, I had so many of these same thoughts I tried unsuccessfully to share, so I’m glad you did. I wish that all of us in marriages and families find our way next to the person we wanted to be forever by.
Hugs to you…
Last blog post by foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)..‘if there be any truer measure of a man…’
May 27th, 2009 at 11:10 am
girl says:
I couldn’t agree more. I sat with a lump in my throat because lately, that’s my life. Without the p people of course.
I guess all I can do is own my cold hearted bitch though.
I feel horrible for all of them.
May 27th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Karen Sugarpants says:
At least you have fabulous hair.
I saw those things in Kate too – she looked like she didn’t wanna give up, but he did. It was very sad.
May 27th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Robin says:
I have to comment but I know I’m in a weird position with all of this because I do not have children, so right there I probably miss 1/2 of the importance of this post.
I’ve been able to see that this couple has had serious issues from pretty much day one. I’ve seen this show on and off for years and this woman treats her husband like a child. She talks over him, rolls her eyes at him and pretty much tells him when to speak. Their issues were long before she went on the road and he stayed home. Long long before. I think they had kids and became so focused on the kids part that they forgot about each other. That’s my biggest fear in having children.
I’m not saying he’s not at fault as well. I think he should just enjoy staying home with the kids and not complain, he’s lucky to have that opportunity. I do however think they need a lot of help, they need therapy. I hope the rumors aren’t true that she’ll only go to therapy if it’s on camera and they are paid for it. If any of those rumors are true they are done.
If they really want to have a chance they need to turn off the cameras and focus on each other and their family. I think she really needs to take a look at who she has become and take real responsibility, they both do. I will say, just from my perspective, they don’t have a chance.
Last blog post by Robin..Never Ever
May 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Karen Sugarpants says:
I also wanna say that I think you guys are a lot different. You don’t treat your husband the way Kate treats Jon.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Nudnik says:
Go back and watch the first season or two and you’ll see why Jon is no longer available to her. I give him credit for sticking with it as long as he has. I have never seen a man become so emasculated. Not to say that he didn’t play his part in the process but to me it’s no wonder he lost interest in the marriage. He needed to do a much better job of playing his part in the marriage from the beginning so that they could both have equal power in the relationship instead of Kate having all the power. I think he let it happen to himself. I feel bad for both of them because they let TV change their marriage.
samantha Reply:
May 27th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Don’t forget that they may have shown the emasculating parts on television. It makes for good tv. We really don’t know Jon or what their marriage is like when the cameras are off.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Mandy says:
I agree. I think everyone is quick to place the blame on Kate, but marriage takes two. I came across this article written by a Couple’s Therapist, and I really think she hits the nail on the head: Expert Advice for Jon & Kate
I truly hope that they try to save their marriage, it’s so sad.
Hugs to you, I hope you both find a way back to each other.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Laural says:
Wow, Sam. This is probably one of the best things (I think) you have written.
And, I think you’re the first person who has put into words the way I feel not only about JK+8 but also about marriage, parenting, etc.
It’s so easy to villainize Kate, but at the end of the day I have many of her characteristics. We all do.
And, all the comments about her working drive me insane. In our house I make more than my husband and work longer hours and commute, etc etc and so Mike, though he works, ends up doing stuff like bringing the kids to the doctor. I hate that he comments about it – or that I do.
Last blog post by Laural..And we’re Back – Our Disney experience
May 27th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
WM says:
Ok, have to be the dissenting opinion…sort of.
First off I should say that I don’t dislike Kate, in fact I can identify with her in certain respects.
That said:
Agreed that Kate is hurting. Given the situation it is understandable. Having said that I guess I question why if it’s all too much…the media attention , the negativity, the effect on her marriage/kids etc then why not end the show ?
I respect that the show is providing a lucrative income for her family and while I don’t know that I’d want to invite cameras in to my house 24/7 I can’t say that the thought of making money simply for filming my life/or writing about it doesn’t appeal in some way.
However, when and if it all became too much there is always the option to turn off the cameras.
If I was forced to make a choice between my marriage/ keeping my family intact over the financial gain from the show it wouldn’t be a hard decision.
As far as I know they were able to make it work financially prior to the show (as have many families of higher order mutiples) there is that option to return to the life they knew before. In a year or two…they most likely would be a memory as people would have moved on to the next “it” family or show…
Last blog post by WM..Guess
samantha Reply:
May 27th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
The thing is, we don’t know that it’s the show that’s caused all this friction. Granted, the paparazzi and the fame have not made it easier.
Maybe Jon’s disenchanted by it all because THAT’S what brought his alleged cheating to the forefront? Maybe their marriage was in a tailspin regardless of the television show. To me, my marriage looks the same as theirs and there are no cameras here, yanno?
They eluded to the fact that they many not come back at the end of season four, knowing that they were having issues in their marriage. There had to be some unforeseen circumstances – contract obligations, etc – that we have no idea about which may have brought the show back. Because to me? They both look like their completely done with it.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
ClassyFabSarah says:
I wrote about Jon & Kate just yesterday. I was on the verge of tears the entire episode.
I saw a mom who just wanted to do the right thing, and a husband who was NOT interested. It was just heartbreaking. I feel so badly for the whole family as they try to navigate this difficult time.
Last blog post by ClassyFabSarah..What Do You Mean It’s Wednesday??
May 27th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Debby Pucci says:
I agree with you totally. It was very sad to watch them as they said basically nothing to each other. I also agree that if I had the opportunity to do a book I would do it and he should be so proud of her. She is making money for their children’s future.
I’m not sure I would have done the show this season. She is in so much pain, I’ve been there and I feel for her.
Last blog post by Debby Pucci..You just have to laugh, we did…..
May 27th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
shawna says:
I saw what you saw… and that is MY life, too!
May 27th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
shawna says:
And I have a problem with the whole Kate emasculates Jon thing… I simply don’t see it.
I see the double standard every time I hear how Jon is emasculated by Kate. I see a strong woman who stands up for herself and her kids, speaks her mind and is authentic. If it were Jon who presented himself this way there probably wouldn’t be much buzz about him stepping on her, rather him taking the lead and doing what is best for the family.
And Kate is pretty mild when I think of some of the things that I say and do in my own marriage **shrug**
samantha Reply:
May 27th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
From what we’ve talked about in the past, our relationships are strikingly similar. I know exactly what you’re talking about. And I see that I am harder on Mike is than Kate with Jon sometimes too!
May 27th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
MG @ MommyGeekology.com says:
What a great insight.
Last blog post by MG @ MommyGeekology.com..Knock knock! Who’s there? Three! Three who?
May 27th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Carrie says:
I’m going against the grain as well…I don’t sympathize with Kate. Or Jon, in fact. To me, my heart breaks for those kids. The kids who probably are sick of having their lives taped (i.e. Mady, who I think is desperate for attention FROM MOM & DAD). I think that Jon & Kate are both immature and greedy and to them, all that matters is that the gravy train keeps chugging along. If they were really serious about the family and each other, they wouldn’t have done this season. Kate wouldn’t be doing People interviews. If it’s a contractual thing, put a flippin’ happy face on the for cameras, and work it out off camera, as a family. Otherwise, your kids (and all their friends, your neighbors, etc.) get to see your family implode, and it’s captured forever on video. Sad, sad, sad. It’s time for Jon & Kate to spend a little time on their family instead of their fame.
I don’t fault Kate at all for having a job, promoting her book, etc. But she has a double standard – she complains that Jon needed the weekend off, when she was planning the birthday party, but wasn’t she just out promoting the book for a week or two? If Jon was home with them (with help, as she likes to point out) during that time, why wouldn’t he be entitled to have an easy weekend? It just seems like she does and says things to deliberately make him look bad. So if I actually had to choose whose side I was on, I’d lean towards Jon, although he def. has faults (hello early mid-life crisis!).
Oh my, I sound a little harsh…I didn’t really mean to get so into it! I don’t even watch the show, for heaven’s sake! I never tuned in regularly, but since it’s plastered everywhere, I do read articles/comments/etc….
Robin Reply:
May 27th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I think you said that really well, you put it much better than I did.
Last blog post by Robin..Never Ever
May 27th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
WM says:
Sam, you’re so right when you said they (the producers and others involved with the show) only allow us to see what they want us to see.
So admittedly I have no idea what the real issues were /are in their marriage. Really none of us do. We can only guess. Raising 8 kids would be extremely hard. You add the stress of being filmed/always having to be “on” , followed by paparazzi, one parent traveling frequently and that only serves as more potential strain on a marriage.
I guess if problems existed before the show then that might have been reason not to enter into such a life changing thing such as committing to being filmed close to 24/7 for several years
So while the situation sucks for her I have a harder time feeling sorry for her because I see her as a publicity junkie. It’s almost as if she’s milking her marital strife for all the fame /fortune that she can. When I saw her face on the cover of People Magazine with the caption “We might Split up”. I thought are you kidding me ? Is she really giving an interview to People about this ?
Sure she may be under contractual agreement with TLC to finish out a contract but if she is truly done with the show I would think she’d also be done with all the media appearances, books signings, interviews etc. I would think she’d want to gradually slip out of the media. Fulfil her obligation and then move on.
But I understand and appreciate that others see her/her situation differently.
Last blog post by WM..Guess
samantha Reply:
May 27th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
And I appreciate that you also see it differently! I was just bringing that up for sake of discussion.
No one will really ever know I suppose. I think they did start the show with good intentions and I hate that it may have actually destroyed a family.
May 27th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Miss Britt says:
I absolutely hate that you see your life in someone else’s hard situation. I love your capacity for empathy, but it hurts my heart for you.
Last blog post by Miss Britt..Who remembers when I was funny?
Krystle | Snarky Kisses Reply:
May 27th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I agree with you too Britt. It hurts to see that too.
May 27th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Krystle | Snarky Kisses says:
You hit the nail on the head for several relationships and families, and I too felt horribly bad for Kate – more so than Jon. It appears he is virtually pushing away or making that appearance anyways. She is making money for her family, and trying to do everything she can. She was the emotional one willing to share what she wanted and needed to share, and truthfully pouring her heart out, in order to help her own family, 100%. Jon was the
what seemsheartless about it all, no tears shedgrant it I know men don’t USUALLY cryand barely any emotion throughout all of the interviews. And, the way Jon and Kate ate with their family at the very end of the show grilling, and a little blurp of what Kate had said to Jon about making his plate or something – it just gave me a little glimmer of hope that it may all be okay … but, it broke my heart nontheless to see a family like this falling apart in front of our very own eyes.Mainly because it’s real. They’re not alone. And, even though others think Kate is a big bitch about everything… someone has to be, and everyone is in that spot. I’m sure if I had 8 kids, I’d be a big bitch 90% of the time. You have to have structure in order to be productive… it’s just the way it is.
My heart hurts for them, and it hurts even more to know other families are going through the exact same situation, yet they continue to label and degrade the way Jon and Kate are handling this, or how they’re marriage is desolving. Every marriage desolves at one point I really believe, but it’s then that you just have to try to pick up the pieces that have dissolved and repair them back into a loving happy relationship.
If a marriage or relationship didn’t have the downs… when would there be ups? You know?
Ugh. I could go on and on. I know what you mean, I’m with you 100%. They’re just living a life like a normal married couple, only they’re more open and show more than the average family, and in turn, they get the “bad marriage, bad parenting, bad, bad, bad” family and life thrown at them.
THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL LIVES, A REAL MARRIAGE, A REAL FAMILY, WITH REAL PROBLEMS LIKE 90% OF THE MARRIED WITH OR WITHOUT CHILDREN POPULATION!!!!!!
My heart hurts for Kate, it really does. More so than Jon.
Okay, I’m done. Touchy subject. Sorry!
May 27th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Chibi Jeebs says:
Excellent post. Thank you for making me look at it from a different perspective and making me *think.*
Last blog post by Chibi Jeebs..Locked out
May 27th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
ali says:
wow. wow.
HUGS, Sam. this was truly an eye opener for me. and certainly not the way I usually view Jon and Kate.
usually, I’m just disturbed by Kate’s hair…
Last blog post by ali..do I even want to know?
shawna Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 11:18 am
LOL Me too!
May 27th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
jenni williams says:
God, I cant imagine someone seeing what I am like on the average day. I am bossy, I yell, and I sometimes I am lazy. I only have 3 kids (so far) but 8 must be exhausting.
That being said everyone deserves a spouse is a equal partner. It doesn’t seem like Jon was ever a partner.
My marriage has not always been easy, in the last ten years there have been really rocky times, but are getting the hang of it.
I was…well am a control freak (same story as most parents checked out and I had to raise siblings) and I belittled, bossed, and corrected my dh for YEARS, until I had a nervous breakdown after the loss of our son and I stopped functioning. In that time I realized the kids are ok if he does things differently or the house is messy.
I am NOT that one who gets the kids ready in the am, or always cleans the house and I am way happier for it.
As for seeing your marriage in theirs, I am sorry. No one should be that disconnected and alone in their marriage.
I am praying for you (and not in that uber christian everyone should stay married forever way)
Last blog post by jenni williams..Wordless Wednesday:Bubbles
May 27th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
melanie says:
as many have already noted, it is hard to know fact from fiction in all this mess. but you have stated my thoughts better than i could in this post. i really hope that they can work things out. it is going to take sacrifice on both their parts. i hope that you can find some good help and encouragement as well. you are so right: we all need it.
Last blog post by melanie..finding comfort…
May 27th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Chris in NY says:
Here’s the deal….in watching the show, it has never appeared to me that John and Kate work as a team. In my own marriage, there are times when I have to take charge and be The General. Sometimes my husband has to be in that role. But at the end of the day, we are a team. Do we disagree and argue? Absolutely! But our marriage has always come first (yes, even ahead of the children) and we treat each other with respect and kindness. We are certainly NOT perfect and I would probably be horrified to see our lives played out on TV, but I always always ALWAYS feel like my husband is my fully equal partner.
In watching John and Kate interact, I see too much of her being The General and treating John as her 9th child. I also see him behaving like a petulant pre-teen. If “everything” they do is “for the kids”, then it’s time to shut off the cameras and run to the nearest marriage counselor. I absolutely see and understand each side of the story and my hear aches for this family.
One last thing……fertility doctors across the country should be required to watch every single episode of this show to drive home the results of “fertility gone wrong”.
May 27th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Jodee says:
I have to agree the show was eye opening. I was one of those who was quick to jump on the whole oh Kate is such a bitch wagon. But I did see her as a mom struggling to try and keep up with 8 kids. I mean my 3 and 1 one year old drive me nuts sometimes so I can’t imagine multiplying either one of them.
I do think it’s sad in a way that the cameras do keep on rolling when their marriage is obviously in trouble. I don’t think the blame can be put exclusively on Jon or Kate because it is a two way street. I hope they can get counseling or something at least for the sake of their children.
I think every marriage can go through of phase of not caring becoming tired of one another and letting the kids become the main focus, but this can be worked through and can get better. I say this having been there myself.
Last blog post by Jodee..Our Trip….
May 27th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Carrie says:
I felt the same way watching it – and really, really bad for them. It sucks that they are contractually bound (I assume) to TLC to film episodes while obviously dealing with something very personal and private.
I bet they are wishing things were the way they “used to be.” Before the cameras and the attention.
Last blog post by Carrie..Pool Party
May 27th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Patty says:
WOW, I have to say that honestly, haven’t watched it. Heard enough about it on tv/radio and all of the stuff people are saying. Was not interested in watching it because I figure 1.) if it is true stuff, way to depressing to see couples struggle, 2.) is it even real? did the network set this whole crap up and they are faking this for the camera? Either way, no thanks, too much depressing reality in my own life to need to watch that. BUT I have to say that you made such an astounding point! I wish it was actually something she (Kate) could read to see that she is not alone in her struggles with , well, life! Thanks for keepin it real!
Last blog post by Patty..It has begun!
May 27th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Lynn says:
I can’t watch Jon and Kate – it hurts too much.
Thanks for your honesty. I think we all can relate.
Last blog post by Lynn..Don’t go there!
May 28th, 2009 at 6:49 am
maggie, dammit says:
Great post, great comments, and I’m sorry.
Love you hon.
May 28th, 2009 at 7:41 am
the weirdgirl says:
I have to agree with Robin (way up at the top there), I think their marriage had problems from day one. Honestly, I only watched the show occasionally because of it… it was a turn off the way the treated each other. I always suspected much of it could be an act for the cameras, or just what the producers wanted to show, but really? How do you watch back your own show and NOT see the problems there? And even if it was “ha ha, look what they showed” funny in the beginning there is always the risk that you become that person that is shown on camera.
Yes, they are human and I feel bad for them in that aspect. Marriage is hard and they have extra stress. But Jon and Kate have also had a rare opportunity to REALLY see themselves played back in real time. Why didn’t either of them stop and try to fix things – on or off camera?
Last blog post by the weirdgirl..Gratuitous Shoe Scene
May 28th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Tere says:
I admire your honesty here. It’s tough to see ourselves reflected in others’ crappiness.
Last blog post by Tere..Where Am I Now?
May 28th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Sarcastica says:
It’s true, every word of it. I felt so sad for Kate, cause I’ve kinda been there…not to her degree or anything but it still sucked.
Last blog post by Sarcastica..A Burning Question
May 28th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Chrisitna says:
I agree with all you have written. Entirely. I was in their shoes (and yours) 10 years ago. It was terribly hard and sad.
I didn’t watch this episode because I had no interest in seeing my life repeated.
However, I did watch a few episodes last year – ones when they were packing and moving from the original house to the new one. And even there…you could see it. She DID hen peck him. He DID retreat into a shell. They have equally contributed to this. My only critique is hearing her *complain* about the scrutiny because, well, she DID make that choice for her family.
Last blog post by Chrisitna..The Little League Team that could (sorta)
May 28th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
I’m a 1000, 100% with you, and you know that’s the damn truth. You said exactly what I was thinking. I teared up a bit watching them force themselves to be there “for the children” but not be there for each other.
I get it.
I couldn’t have survived it in my own life had cameras been following my every move – real or staged.
And you know I love ya.
Last blog post by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]..Lady Love at BlogHer ‘09
May 28th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
MommyNamedApril says:
i cried through the whole episode. it breaks my heart.
Last blog post by MommyNamedApril..Flashback Friday!
May 29th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
mariah says:
Well said. I think they need to take this show off air, at least for awhile
Last blog post by mariah..A Week Of Crap
May 29th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Kristine says:
I haven’t written about it on my blog yet, but my husband and I are seeing a therapist because we were finding ourselves in a very similar situation. Fortunately we have both committed to each other to get back on track. But it’s not easy!
I don’t want to be the “bitch” and I don’t want him to give up his power to me. I can’t respect him when he does. Raising a family, having a special needs son, going through IF treatment, and just the normal day to day parts of being a family has taken its toll on us. We lost our intimacy.
Thankfully we realized this in time and are getting help.
I’ve never actually watched the show, but I can’t help but be aware of all the media hype surrounding it. I can relate to the marriage you are describing. It’s a very lucky couple that can’t relate I think.
I wouldn’t want to go through that on TV, yet at the same time I share an awful lot on my blog….
Really…who are we to judge?
Last blog post by Kristine..It’s the little things
May 29th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Jamie says:
I always found the Kate hate a little harsh. I think she and Jon are making and have made mistakes but I don’t think that makes them unusual
Last blog post by Jamie..Link Love Friday and other REALLY important musings
May 29th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Haley-O says:
I don’t watch the show. I don’t understand the hooplah and never have. the media fascination is disturbing. Maybe they’re so fascinating, though, (come to think of it) precisely because we can all relate. And that’s what makes mom blogs to fascinating (beyond the marketer’s eye).
Last blog post by Haley-O..P-P-P-Poker Face: The Bloody Eye (Viewer Discretion Is Advised)
June 5th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Al_Pal says:
I’ve never watched, but I’ve seen several peoples’ reactions to this last show.
I’m so sorry that you can relate so much; that you are feeling / have felt disconnected from your husband.
(maybe home remodeling should wait til after counseling? Because I’ve heard plenty of stories of remodels hurting marriages…)
Best Wishes!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Russell says:
First of all, kudos to all of the women who work hard to make their families work every day.
Now to my thoughts. I often hear women applaud other women for being a “strong woman” when what they are is bossy and rude if not worse. The point here is that behavior that is unacceptable in men is not acceptable in women either.
I do not treat my wife like Kate has been seen treating her husband but if I did, nobody would be running here to make excuses for me.
Bottom line is, you don’t treat your partner that way. Men who treat their wives that way are not looked upon nicely by men or women. Words like “mentally and verbally abusive” are used to describe them.
I have a great wife and we treat each other as equals. That is not to say that we always agree, but that’s the point, we don’t belittle each other when the other person doesn’t agree with us. And we don’t boss each other around. There are times my wife wants me to do something and I can’t be bothered. Guess what…I’m not her employee and I’m not her slave. At the same time,, there are times I want something from her and she can’t be bothered. Guess what, she’s not my employee and she’s not my slave.
A wise man once told me of how he and his wife had an agreement, if the other person put the tree up, your responsibility was to take it down on January 2nd. One year it was January 9th and his wife still hadn’t taken the tree down. SO instead of berating her for it, he went ahead and took it down. Like he said, evidently it was more important for than it was for her so I just went ahead and took care of it.
I watched early episodes and one stuck out in my mind even then. Kate had totally treated Jon like a child on the show. Afterwords when they were sitting there and talking about it, he said that what was most important for him was that he didn’t want her acting that way on camera because he knew that wasn’t how she really is and he didn’t want other people thinking bad about her if the thought she was really like that.
It seems that Kate and the producers of the show liked the way she acted however as this became the norm. Now John could have gone old school and stood up for himself but I’m pretty sure that with the cameras rolling, he knew that almost anything he did to stand up for himself would have smeared his image and reputation. He would have been considered an abusive man. I say this because he did just about everything politically correct that could be done. He talked to her like a partner and let her know that she was wrong. Kate didn’t care. I watched that happen in the early part of the show.
I have no doubt that the show basically played into Kate’s personality. They do highly encourage that type of behavior because it gets them ratings. They have no long term investment in that family. When the ratings dry up, they will drop them like a hot potato. Kate on the other hand does have an interest. But it has been clear that her priorities were the show. Her tears are not coming from a lost feeling because her man is not available to her. he hasn’t been available for a long time. She has an agreement with him to show up for the show anyway. Her tears were tears of fear of the unknown. Fear of what is going to happen to the show. Will she be able to continue living the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to if the show fails? This is what’s on her mind. If she cared about her man being available to her, she would never have treated him the way she did, even if that is what the producers encouraged.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. My wife complained one day that I did not share the duties around the house 50-50. SO I started doing that but in turn, I stopped doing every single “manly” thing unless it was just for me.. She quickly got the picture. She suddenly realized that all of those other things I was doing also took time and were not recreational. Like fixing/washing the car, mowing the lawn, fixing things around the house, killing spiders (she has two hands and two feet). When things stopped getting fixed and things stopped getting down, she came to me and apologized. She admitted that she had been taking me for granted.
Recently, I have been doing far more of the household stuff than my wife does. I am going to be starting school full time but before I started part time, I took over all of the household my wife used to have and kept the ones I had. I am a better cook so I have always cooked more than she did. But while she is gone during the day, I take care of everything around the house. What she does is help out a little bit in the evening.
I can tell you that this is far easier than having a full time job. I take a break when I want to. Can’t so that at work. I eat when I want to, can’t do that at work. I get to organize my day as I see fir. At work the boss sets that schedule for you.
I get far more done at home than my wife did. Why? I treat it like a job. While I get to set the schedule, I still organize my day. I tried to help her with that once but she did not like that at all. She did not like the idea of her day at home even remotely feeling like a job. Oddly, now that she works, she prefers having somebody else set her schedule for her.
My point here is that I hear women always complain about how hard they have it at home. I wish my wife made enough money that I wouldn’t have to go to school or work and could be a stay at home dad. Talk about the easy life. And that’ with the cooking shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc…getting down every day. Beats having a boss breath down your neck every day. I feel more independent. I set the schedule and everything gets done.
Kids are no problem but then I don’t have 8. But I handle the kids differently than my wife. That also has a certain amount of organization to it. When I am in the middle fo getting something done, that is not the time for attention time for the kids. They have learned that they do not get attention right away at all, not even negative attention, but they will get negative attention later. This makes it easier to get things done. The kids learned quickly how this works and as a result are actually quite happy.
The thing is I do respect my wife. I do not judge her in any way. She did not have a good childhood like I did. Her parents were abusive and did not set good examples. My parents were not alcoholics nor were they abusive. Even when I know I do something better, I do not belittle my wife at all. I use my childhood experiences to talk to her about why I do things the way I do and explain why it works better. But I only do so when she asks. I am not here to belittle her. And don;t get me wrong, my wife has things about her that I greatly admire. She is very giving and charitable. She is a loving mother and wife. She is very intelligent and is actually finishing up school. She went full time for the last year and has been on the President’s list the entire time.
What makes it work for us is that we don’t belittle each other. Even when you think you have a right to, you don’t. Everything starts with respect. Without that, you have nothing. Respect doesn’t mean having that guy from a soap opera who can do no wrong that anyone can respect. Respect is harder than that. It is charitable. Respect is most important even when you don’t think the other person has earned it. Why? Because it works the other way around. The other person my not think you deserve it. Who is to say you do or don’t. But the foundation of any successful relationship, personal or professional is respect. Lose that and it will crumble.
I’m just not sure why people make family so hard. It doesn’t have to be. We often make it harder than it has to be. But it all starts with respect.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:13 pm