Editor’s Note:
I think one of the points I tried to make with my post was that I AM doing both. Right now. I am a WAHM as well as a WOHM. I pretty much lead a double life and in my personal opinion, staying home is EASY compared to the work world and that they’re NOT the same. I do not negate at all that they are both hard. I KNOW THEY’RE HARD. But they’re NOT the same.
The ‘real’ part came from Daphne’s comment about how we don’t have ‘real’ jobs. But to be honest – if it pays the bills: it’s a job. We all know that. I wasn’t clear about my use of the word ‘real’ and I’m sorry for that.
:::
So I typically stay away from the Momversation videos because I get so riled up about things they talk about. I know that’s their goal, but I just get so frustrated and angry about them I have to stop watching; but the other day Miss Zoot made a pointed entry about a recent Momversation episode that got my Working Mom panties all bunched up. Kim’s post had me cheering, nodding, and agreeing with every point she made. Go read it – I’ll wait.
See?
Have you watched the Momversation about being a “working mom”? Go.
Working moms. I scoff at the Internet’s idea of a working mom. Sorry Internets, but I do.
I have been a working mom for the better part of three years; and by working I mean dragging my ass out of bed at 4:45am to get showered and dressed, waking my child(ren), getting breakfast going, dropping off at daycare and sitting in traffic ALL to get to the office by 7:30am.
I work through an eight and a half hour day of telephone calls, emails, meetings, reports, proposals, arguments, disagreements while someone with a higher authority, a boss, dictates my time.
After those eight and a half hours, I get in my car to sit in traffic, pick up my kids at daycare, get dinner going, oversee bath time, read stories and put my children to bed.
I see my children for a total of – at the MOST – three hours a day – and most of that time is spent doing chores like the cooking and bathing. I very rarely have the luxury of sitting down and actually interacting with them.
Let’s talk about being a REAL working mom shall we? Not this fluff about working from home because I’ve been there too. I’ve too worked from home, designing, freelance writing, and trying to manage my house at the same time. I was doing what I could to keep us afloat while home with my children.
There is no comparison. None. I don’t care how high up on the blogging ladder you are: working from home is not even in the same realm as being a Working Mother.
Sure, it’s stressful trying to have that conference call when your child is begging for you to change the channel or get them a drink. It’s stressful for the others on the call too. Trust me. I know. I know it’s tough to pump out that overdue article when your child has a fever and just wants to be held. I. Know.
But!
I would take that “stress” over the possibility of losing my job because the kids have been sick and after first three weeks back to work I have already taken about a week of that in sick days. I’d take that loud and boisterous child in a middle of a conference call over being hauled into the boss’ office to be told that ‘I am not carrying my weight around here’ and reminded that times are tough at the moment and it’s important to learn to BALANCE MY HOME AND WORK LIFE.
Balancing work life and home life while working from home? It’s a fuckin’ joke.
There. I said it.
Daphne even acknowledged the fact that the Momversation was “not talking about ‘real’ work.” Maggie said that she’s “not cut out for that” (meaning the working, daycare, rushed lifestyle). Momversation wasn’t talking about the real stresses of being a WORKING MOM, but why the fuck not? Please don’t elude to the idea of discussing the stresses of being a working mom while only talking those whom are at home, locked away in a room while the kids fend for themselves while mommy makes her video.
I applaud you ladies for showering and putting on make-up to stage your videos for Momversation, I know how hard that can be too – to just have a moment to yourself to shower; but please, don’t for a minute think I feel bad for you.
I know it’s tough to find someone to take care of your child while you escape to Starbucks with your MacBook to get that article done or complete the finishing touches on a design for a client. I KNOW.
But, do you “Working Moms” know how hard it is to fight with your spouse about whose turn it is to stay home from work to mind a sick child? Do you know how hard it is to get a call from the daycare centre in the middle of your first day back in the office and have to tell the boss that you’re leaving? Or how about when you have to leave your premature baby in the hospital to go back to work then rush back to the hospital to spend as much time with them as you possibly can? Not to mention dropping off your 11 month old at the daycare centre knowing that the teachers there will likely witness your child’s first steps before you do.
I know I may alienate some of my work-at home-mom friends by writing this, but those that are truly my friends will understand where I am coming from. I know it’s not easy being a mom. I know it’s not easy working from home. I know it’s not easy having a job that takes us from our family, but please, let’s not pretend that they’re the same thing.
AMEN! You said it perfectly. I’m a working mom who gets up at 5:00am showers, dresses, wakes my 19 month old up, gets her dressed, breakfast and out the door to be at daycare for 7:00am, so I can sit in traffic for an hour and be at work (hopefully) by 8:00am. Then I leave at 5pm sit in traffic for another hour and race to pick her up by 6pm. Make her dinner, bath her and play for maybe half an hour before she’s ready for bed at 7:30pm. That’s when I get the laundry and cleaning done. When she’s sick? It’s ME who gets the call, leaves work and worries about what my boss is going to say. I’m a working mom and a single mom and as tough as it is some days, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Wow!!!
I most of my time work from home but I couldn’t agree with you more!!!
The standard that some people puts for working mum’s (and DADs) is sometimes unreachable!!! That’s one of the reasons I’ve kinda stopped reading a few of the blogs I used to… They made me think I was the worse dad ever because I don’t get to do most of the stuff some of them do and dictate “you should be able to do it too”…
anyways… just venting…
awesome, Sam!
you already know how I feel about this…but thank you for standing up for US working-at-the-office moms.
THANK YOU.
I have yet to watch the Momversation discussion because if it’s what you say it is I know it will frustrate the hell out of me much like it did you.
It’s sad, really that they eliminated a very important section of the working mom population. Those of us that work outside of the home. For many of us it isn’t a choice but what we must do to sustain our families. And it is very stressful for the exact reasons you describe.
I miss my children so much sometimes it brings me to tears…I can’t just walk in the next room and give them kisses, I can’t generally rearrange my deadlines and conference calls so I can take my children to the library. No I’m 20 miles away, not waking up with them, not seeing them off to school, sitting in meetings, dealing with troublesome employees, sitting in my car, blah blah blah.
If I had an option, I’d take the stress of a wahm any day. I’m not negating the fact that it’s stressful…I’m just saying that it’s very different than that of a wohm.
We need to do our own momversation, Sam.
Thank you for writing this.
Well said.
I totally agree. Totally.
And, can I add that it’s worse when you’re a working mom, you have all those stresses and you utter the words “and I like my job”? Because then you just become a horrible mother.
And …
When I’m on the train and it’s delayed for an hour, and i know I’m missing the precious hour when my kids are still sweet and not exhausted. Sometimes I cry. because it sucks. And it’s hard.
I’m lucky enough to only work at my office once or twice a week; the rest of the week I struggle to do work from home. I know there is no comparison to working full-time out of the house vs. full-time IN the house. At home, there are ALWAYS options – sick kid? Work later at night, take a break, etc. At work? Too bad for you – take the day off, lose pay, respect, etc. It’s not fair. All moms are working moms, but working out of the house and dealing with daycare and limited time off is much harder. No question.
I’ve been on both sides of the working fence, and now am unemployed so am with my kids 24/7. I agree that both working at home and out of the home poses a different set of problems.
In my experience, working out of the home is harder and includes way more planning and sacrifice.
I applaud you for this post. Hopefully the internets will be nice…
OMG, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I’ve lately started thinking that there’s a huge segment that is missing on the whole mommy-blogging scene (oar at least that I am missing), and that’s the WORKING MOTHER. I agree with you 100%. I get up every morning & drive an hour to take my 3 year old & 8 month old to daycare & then I go to work across the street. I’ve had those fights with my husband. It’s SO HARD!
And then you have the work at home mom’s judge you because if you just “changed your lifestyle” you, too, could stay home like a good mother. Well we don’t both work so we can have a vacation home, we both work because we HAVE to. Bottom line.
Seriously, thank you for having the balls to come out & say it. It’s nice to know I’m not alone out here.
I have to applaud you here. I stay at home now, but it’s a new thing. The first six years of me being a parent, were spent with your schedule. I put my 6 week old babies in daycare for 9 hours a day. It was just the way it was. Luckily it’s not that way right now, but it may be again one day. Hard to say.
I will say, this staying home thing isn’t easy either. It’s freaking hard. With very little breaks and no congrats for not killing someone. Which is just like a job.
I see both sides, because I’ve lived both sides. But I don’t watch those videos either, because they bother me in more ways than one.
I chose not to work after The Poo was born for the reasons you outlined here. I am blessed to be able to do so, but we make real, hard, financial sacrifices to do it.
Now I work from home and I agree: NO COMPARISON. I straddle two worlds from one base; you have to go from one world to another. Hats off to you and all moms who work “offsite.”
It’s hard to balance being a WAHM, but I see how the Momversation piece could get your dander up. Honest, brave post, Sam.
OMG yes.
I work outside the home 20 hours out of my 25 hour work week. I can’t agree with you more – which is exactly WHY I am only in the office 20 hours a week, even though my husband has been out of work for 20 months.
When I’m supposed to be working from home, I have found it freaking impossible to meet deadlines. As far as actually getting work done, it’s a lot easier to be at work, doing it.
But when the spectre of working full time is raised, I see myself in the place you describe and it literally raises anxiety to the point of nausea. I have come close to throwing up when considering it. I actually DO love my job and if there was a way to do it full time again, but get more than a handful of waking hours with my son, I’d consider it. As it is, I take off my cap to you in your sacrifice. It has got to take some major balls to stick to it.
I’ve been on every side of the fence, including under it and over it and stuck inside it, and each situation definitely has a unique set of challenges. Working out of the home, by far, is the one that requires the most organization, commitment, flexibility, determination, and sacrifice. It’s 100% worth it, but it sure as hell isn’t the same because the stresses are completely out of your control. You certainly can’t ask your work boss if you can finish that project later because your kid really just wants to sit on the couch and hang out. You just have to figure out how to make everybody happy.
Well said! I’m lucky that I can work part-time for now, so I don’t have to have that insane schedule. I have SO much respect for the mom’s who can do that every day, because I’m not sure I could!
It’s about time somebody said it. While I am in NO WAY knocking WAHMs, it is just nowhere near the same as being a WOHM.
I can’t believe the Momversations panel left out an entire demographic! I stay away from most “mom” sites for good reason, but I may have to follow this one just to watch the backlash unfold.
I’ve been both wohm and wahm and this post is right on Sam.
I probably work more hours now at home than I ever spent in my office but it feels completely different. There’s no question in my mind that it’s easier to work at home and not have to deal with commuting, and daycare, and who has to take time off when your kid is sick, etc etc. All those extra stressors! Ugh. I don’t miss that a bit.
I wouldn’t worry about backlash – most of us who work at home do it because we know how much harder it is OUT THERE! xo
I think I love you! Amen to everything you said. Thank you for saying it. (btw, like you I have complete respect for SAHM and WAHM, both of whom experience a different set of challenges. It’s just nice to hear someone address what I face on a “no end in sight” basis.)
While I understand and have lived your “working mom” life! But you pretty much said I am not a working mom and I have no business calling my life nearly as rough as yours. I work from home with 4 kids, ages 7 – 3. I work from 9 am to 11 pm on a short day. I am a single mom and the only help I get is from my business partner. I don’t get a break to even begin to manage my home or work life. Both are always there to beat me down, the work phones are ringing, the house phone is ringing, the baby hit the eldest, the shower is broke…you name I do it. I work in the crisis mode all the time. When was the last time you took your kids to the office to try to get your work done? You get to leave your work as work. Yes, the traffic sucks but when you get home you get those 3 hours with your kids. Not with your kids and the reports you are trying to get done or the without the accountant calling you will you try to make yet another crappy dinner for your kids. I understand what you are trying to say but you said very offensively. I am a working mom! A full time working from home momma that tries on a daily basis to get it all done and still have my children love me! It sucks. Both scenarios have equal pros and cons. One of the biggest Pros for working in the office is a little time to yourself. And getting away to starbucks every once in a while to have a little me time is a nice thing. We all struggle with our lives. Yours is no harder than mine but we all struggle.
I’m sorry that you took my post as offensive. And I did not say that your life was in any way easier.
I’ve lived both lives. I continue to live both lives. I run my own business at night while I work my full-time job outside of the home. I too do the parenting as well as the employee AND business owner / freelancer position. I stay up until 12 – 1am for my clients while I get up at 4:45am for my ‘real’ job.
No matter how it’s coated, it’s NOT the same. From my personal view – a view that HAS seen both sides – I believe it’s not the same.
Sure, I work in an office during the day and get to leave the stresses of parenting at someone elses’ feet. They get to deal with the melt downs, the boo-boo kissing and the cuddling while I deal with irate adults and inflexible work hours coupled with the stress of making $2000 month daycare payments while I get ripped a new one for not being more focused on work while I have a sick child who needs me.
Momversation makes a video about the stresses of being a working mom when they’ve completely left out an entire demographic of working mothers whom are completely guilt ridden, worn down and not able to be home with their children – no matter the hours they work in order to keep that family fed and clothed with a roof over their heads. And frankly? It pisses me off.
I will stand by what I said, because no matter how it sliced it’s not the same.
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People might be a good read for you… if you can squeeze it in.
This is what this book is about… it could help your business
Yay Fina!!! Your hit the nail on the head when you asked her when the last time she had to take her kids to the office..
I end up taking my kids to the office when they’re ill. I’m too guilt ridden not to be at work and end up being a bad parent instead. I have a great boss who let me work from home once for 3 days when my youngest was way too ill to either be at work or at childcare and even that sucked. The guilt of not being at work and leaving that office empty? Just as bad.
I am a person who strives to do the best for everyone that I possibly can and invariably it’s me that misses out. I see that but unfortunately I am too busy juggling all the balls and trying to keep everyone happy. I see my kids for about 90 minutes, 5 days a week and that sucks. But I don’t have a choice. Trust me I really don’t. I leave work ‘early’ sometimes – as in ‘not 90 minutes late’ so that I can have some time with them in the evening. They’re spending 10 hours a day in a nursery. Then I end up logging on to work from home to finish other stuff I could have/should have stayed late to do. Because my employers chose to make half my staff redundant.
Everything is hard. When you have kids? Normal life becomes difficult. Sub-normal becomes difficult and we all become superheroes. Everybody’s circumstances are different and everyone will have to back down at some point when we’re competing for who has it worse. Does Sam have to take her kids to the office? No – but I have done. Am I better?
I only have one job. Does that make me worse? Better? I only have two kids and not four so am I a worse mother? Or a clever one? I give up.
I do know that this was an honest post and a heart felt one where it was bound to provoke feelings but there wasn’t a single part of this post that I didn’t agree with. Rah Rah Sam
x
ps I had to comment here because it was all closed off … not a personal attack.
I think it’s great that you’ve posted this response to something that obviously touches you, Sam! I haven’t seen that particular episode of Momversation yet, but I’m curious, do they (and do you, in this post) equate work-from-home mom to freelancing only?
I ask because I am thinking about how it’s going to be to be a full-time work-at-home mom, which for me, means being accountable to my company for a full-time workload that is salary driven, not post- or article-driven. Not all work-at-home moms work for themselves, which is just another little thought to throw into the pot. I’d sure never judge any other mom for how she manages to work and raise her kids. I don’t know how I’m going to manage my workload, and I have no doubt it’s very hard to have to go to the office every day.
xo
I’m not a mom, so I don’t have much to contribute from the mom’s side. I was a kid with two full time working parents, so I’ll just say this: the difference between WOHM and WAHM is HUGE to a kid. Having your parent in their home office working on something (which both my parents did frequently at night and on the weekends) is totally different from them being in the office. At home Mommy may be on the phone right now and can’t talk to you, but she’s still going to have a few seconds to kiss your boo boo between calls.
I completely agree. I could never even imagine seeing my kids only 3 hours a day. If that were my case I wouldn’t even of had kids, a stranger would be basically raising them. I have been outside of the house to work and working at home. They are both hard but it is extremely hard trying to work with kids at the house and not having daycare get your kids a drink or change a diaper etc. for you. Wah is full time never ending work. I would love to sit in traffic for an hr, what a break, lucky you.
My youngest seems to resent my being home because of the lack of money for the things that he is constantly wanting. I never would have thought it possible. I assumed all kids would prefer their mothers home, and he says he does like me being home with him… but that if my being at work would allows us to have more money than he would definitely prefer that… and we are not necessarily struggling either; we just have to budget.
I’m reading this from home right now because both kids are feverish and I can’t take them to daycare and I should be at work and I’m attempting to do a little work from home and although it was nice not to get up at 6:20am this morning to catch my train to work, this whole juggling act is not going very well…
So yes I totally hear you
As a former full time working mom, I know this might not be an adequate comparison, but for part of the year, I am a part time evening employee (full time mom, though, because we all are, regardless of where our hours are logged). I appreciate that my part time job affords me the opportunity to work during the days when my boys are at school and has been, without question, flexible on the random times I’ve had to bolt out the door because my kid calls from school and says he is sick or school is closing early due to weather. During the summer, I work nights, and I have to say it’s been a reasonably good arrangement. The trouble lies in the days…the many, many, many days…when my husband is working away from home and is gone overnight. Then I have to hope whoever is managing the store that evening will grant me the opportunity to leave right when we close and not stay to help front the place so I can rush home and relieve a sitter (who is often one of my parents, so that is a benefit, but still, I loath taking advantage of that system). Basically, there are times when even when I’m at work, my brain is completely tied into what’s going on at home, and if my husband is gone, it’s really tied into what all I also need to do that he’d normally do, on top of my responsibilities at the store.
I’m talking too much, but what I really want to say is I hear you completely with this post.
So, I love you.
But I also think it’s unfair when you say “Balancing work life and home life while working from home? It’s a fuckin’ joke.”
Because I have a REAL job that I work for 8-10 hours a day. It’s def. not a fake job, where I can go to starbucks to work, if I FEEL like it. I have to get up at 5:30 every day to start before the kids get up, then take care of the kids, get them off to school/childcare (gabs) and then come home and work work work work. Sometimes I cry because my house is now a disaster because even though I’m HERE, I’m most definitely not able to stop working so I can clean the house. Because, again, it’s a REAL JOB.
I do realize it’s more stressful to have to leave and commute and all of that, but does that really mean I’m NOT a REAL working Mom?
Just seems unfair to me.
Y,
I think all situations are different, but in your case it sounds like the only difference is that you don’t commute to another place, you go back to the house. That’s, in my opinion, different than working at home with the kids there. You’re still doing daycare, you’re still getting up early, you’re still working.
And while I can’t speak for Sam, I’m pretty sure she meant the difference between being able to work with your kids at home vs. taking them to be cared for while you’re working is what makes it feel more “real”. And of course, real is subjective. I have a REAL job, too, I own my own business, but in no way do I work 8-10 hour days….therefore, while real, definitely not in the same realm of what you or Sam or Ali or many others do. But, I do feel qualified to say that working at home IN MY CASE is a TON freaking easier than when I was in the office all day every day.
=)
(Not really sure why I’m jumping in here, I usually don’t but your tweet made me sad and for some reason I wanted to assure you that working at home or out of the home, you’re still a working mom that is valued and I think we all understand how hard it is – some of us from both ends of the spectrum.)
So wait, it IS considered a real job if I ship my kids off with strangers in the morning? Well I mean that would make it a hell of a lot easier. Then if your considering a wah job, while sending kids to daycare being the same as yours, then, well, it looks like your saying working outside the home is easier.
Y, I love you more than anything. You know that. I’m sorry that you feel I’ve been unfair. In a sense, you’re right, I have but I own what I’ve said.
I do not in anyway negate the fact that you or any other WAHMs work, or that you work hard. I’ve too pulled 14 hour days while working at home designing sites and freelance writing. I still do. I know what sacrifices it takes as well – maybe not to the same extent as WHOMs (in my opinion), but I do. I should have been more careful with my choice of words because regardless of being home or not, it is REAL work – just not the same. I stand by that.
Friends? *hugs*
xox
You rock.
I’ve been in both places.
I worked 50 to 55 hour weeks when my first born was 6 weeks old. Until he was a two. After that I worked part time out of the home and part time at home. Now I work at home (with childcare) and it’s a whole different world. I refuse to argue about what is harder because everyone’s life is different but I ABSOLUTELY AGREE that it’s asinine to only present one type of working mom when so many mother’s spend a huge amount of time out of the home and 100% away from their children.
I know VERY few moms who work outside the home who are happy to spend that much time away from their kids.
Normally I don’t have a strong opinion about the Momversations. (Maybe because I don’t actually watch them?)
But yeah, that would bug me.
I applaud you for speaking your mind.
THIS is what I was trying to say, and probably failed. No one called me out for anything (and I still haven’t seen the Momversation episode or whatever…I was just kind of shocked that they had a ‘working mom’ panel, yet, from what I’ve read, didn’t feature any of the (I’m sure) many, many moms who work outside the home.
sam- you have got some large and lovely balls. well done! speaking as a stay-at-home-mom who also works from home on “projects” shall we say… i found your post totally honest and completely valid.
for me, personally, my site is about the community that is built in the readership… and yeah, i “work” at it, make it pretty, etc, etc… but i’m at home. and yes, there is a HUGE difference between that and being in a cubicle all day long drinking bad coffee and listening to the fucking receptionist tap her lee press on nails on the counter.
well written. cheers to you baby!
While I understand where you’re coming from in your post, I tend to agree more with Y.
I think your comparisons of wohm’s and wahm’s only depicts wahm’s as bloggers or freelancers… as moms who don’t have rigid schedules or have to adhere to a business casual or professional dress code and sit in traffic every day. That leaves a lot of other wahm out of the equation.
I don’t think that’s fair since there are a lot of us who work at home who have other jobs, unrelated to blogging, that must be done within business hours and don’t allow for flexible hours despite our location. There are a lot of us who shower, get dressed, wear make-up, get kids to/from school, make dinner, etc and work in between – yes, at the house – but otherwise, just like you.
(Although, I don’t get to go out to lunch with co-workers and have adult conversations unless it’s via conference call like I used to when I worked in an office. My lunches are now spent making sandwiches for my kids and cleaning up their messes and any 15 minute breaks I’m supposedly allotted are for changing diapers and replacing batteries in defunct toys.)
And I don’t have the luxury of escaping to Starbucks to work while a nanny watches my kids. That’d be nice, but no, not me.
Additionally, it’s important to remember that some wahm’s take these at-home jobs because they cannot afford daycare or have more than one job (I, for example, own my own business and have a full-time job with a company, working via VPN out of my home) and cannot be two places at once.
I don’t think it’s necessary to compare workloads amongst moms to see who has it harder. Being a mom is hard enough. I would never look at all you have going on with your life and judge you for having to be away from your kids all day. Of course you don’t want to be. You’re doing what you have to do. And you know what? Me too. Maybe I don’t want to be a wahm. But I am. So I’m doing the best I can at it.
*hugs* I love you.
That’s quite the rant, my lovely. I’ve been on both sides, and I chose to be on the stay-at-home/workISH-at-home mom side.
Why?
Because the stress of my work-out-of-the-home, take-my-kids-to-daycare job was too much for me and my girls. I fully admit I’m EXTREMELY lucky & fortunate to have the option to stay at home.
I do think there is SOME comparison between the two realms of ‘working moms,’ but you’re right on when you say it’s WAY tougher to be a work-in-office mom. WAY tougher.
You are a hero. And brave as HELL to post this. I’m offering my shoulders for you to stand on.
Also, when you work at home in a house that has become a shithole because you never have time to clean it, that can be very depressing. Much nicer to go to your neat, clean cubicle where everything is in its place because you have total control over your workspace.
The grass is always greener, friends, anywhere you look.
Well said. I know how lucky I am to be able to stay home with my child. Whenever I get frustrated because I don’t have time to get an article written I think about how much harder it could be. I know how much work it is to be a stay-at-home mom, and it only makes we prouder of my working mom friends who manage to juggle both.
I would hate to read what you think about stay at home moms.
Stay-at-home-moms sacrifice their jobs and sometimes a lifestyle they are accustomed to in order to be home and raise their children and maintain their homes. I really don’t see it as the same thing at all.
And, I can’t really make a fair judgement – based on personal experiences – because I have never made that sacrifice for my family. I have, however, worked from home and outside the home. I feel there are significant difference which I can attest to because of my experience.
I live in dreaded fear of going back to the office because the stress of having to get TWO out the door might just kill me. I’m trying to pretend that I will have “free time” at the office. Watching you go back to work has been upsetting because that’s what I’m in for and, like I said, dreaded fear.
I agree with everything here, and would not be surprised if they asked whichever of us *cough* who has worked an insane outside job with kids to do a new episode.
Please see my response to some of the tweets and posts – believe me, I’ve been in the shit. I need to be back in it too, because I’m unemployed and in a world of hurt. That’s why it’s easy (embarrassingly so) to shower and pretty up for two hours a week to tape. I lived the never-seeing-the-kids thing from 1998-2005, and was the only working parent for the last three of those years. It was horrific, and it all ended in divorce, disgrace, and now, economic wreckage. I wish this had been better done, and will ask that we make good on it.
(I may be the only one on the panel who didn’t choose to be at home. I’m a divorced mom of three with no child support and shit insurance. I would blow sailors if it meant getting benefits.)
Wow… Not sure I want to touch this one with a ten foot pole.
Especially since I’m a work-at-home mother.
Who freelances.
But you’re totally right:
“Balancing work life and home life while working from home? It’s a fuckin’ joke.”
So how come I’m not laughing, I wonder…? Perhaps it’s because I’m not a “real working mom” with a “real job” and a “real boss” who thinks that I’m a “real person” and may actually understand why I can’t come in today. Or maybe it’s because I don’t have “real fights” with my husband over whose turn it is to miss work… After all, I don’t have a “real job” to miss, do I? [Insert very long rambling containing a lot of "real" references and massive doses of sarcasm.]
Honestly, though, the only joke I see around here is the fact that no matter what I do or how I do it, there will always be someone out there telling me that it doesn’t count…
Thankfully, I’ve got a good sense of humor.
Your kids know it counts. That’s where I put down the yardstick. : )
Judith, it DOES count. I know it counts. I would never ever had written this post had I not been on both sides of the fence – or where I am now, currently straddling said fence.
The ‘real’ part came from a comment made on the video, which I didn’t explain – totally my fault.
It’s my personal opinion that there is no comparison between being a WAHM and a WHOM since I am living both lives simultaneously but! that doesn’t mean that I don’t think you work effin’ hard at what you do.
That being said I wouldn’t ever pretend to know what it’s like to be a SAHM and play trucks for 5 hours a day *cough* because I haven’t done that.
Sorry, hon. I brought in a little baggage on my comment… Mostly baggage bought and paid for by the fact that because I’m at home, people tend to expect me to carry on the duties of both a working mom and a stay at home mom. It’s like I’m magically expected to produce an income while still being the stay at home parent devoting every moment to children and housework.
As a WOHM, people have no choice but to take your job seriously. Which isn’t exactly fair– considering that I bring in what is most likely a comparable income. And that I can essentially be trapped “behind my desk” for FAR longer than the typical workday.
As left out and underrepresented as you felt after the momversations video, I felt equally so after this post.
But in the end, we all do what we got to do to get things done. While I can think of several reasons why what I do is harder than what you do and what she does is harder than what I do and so on and so on, NONE of it makes life easier.
And it sure as hell doesn’t put the food on the table… Or do the dishes, or run the errands, or change the diapers, or clean the kitchen, or finish the project, or meet the deadline, or… Oh, god, I need a vacation.
Wow.
My first thoughts after reading your post? BRA-VO. Bravo! Brilliantly written, and such honest words.
And then I read all the comments.
The Mommy Wars used to be SAHMs vs. Working Moms. And now moms are up against so much more. It’s SAHMs vs. WAHMs vs. WOHMs. And WOHMs are pitted against female child-free coworkers, male coworkers with kids, male coworkers without kids, male coworkers who have been recently laid off, female child-free coworkers who have been laid off…
Basically, moms can’t win. I’ve often said the women’s movement is one of the worst things that happened to motherhood.
You’re right. The Mom Movement is just another way for us to pit each other against each other. Sometimes it’s just impossible to ignore. (I am horrible for ignoring)
And, as for the honest words – that’s what I do. I’m not going to sit here and NOT be honest. That would be a waste of my time as well as yours.
xox
All I know is I’m up ’til 2-3am every morning trying to work a full-time job (and various part-time jobs, and maintaining my own company, like you) — both from home and at an office.
My work would certainly love it if I were there more often. I’m very lucky that they’re so family friendly that I have flexibility where that’s concerned. And, I would love to be able to afford a full-time nanny so I could get to the office more often — but I can only afford so many hours of nanny time. So, I work at home most of the time. I have conference calls with children on my lap and/or fighting (I try to get them scheduled when the nanny’s here). If I open my computer to work, or look at the blackberry, the kids clobber me. So, I’m up until 3am every morning to get EVERYTHING done. To top it all off, my husband works weekends, so I don’t get a break then. My mother helps out when she can.
He and I, too, have fought over who gets to go to the office or pick the monkey up from school. It’s brutal.
I’m basically totally overwhelmed. Balancing it all — whether at home or office — is impossible. I’m exhausted.
I guess I’d call myself a WAHM who strives to get to the office when she can. When I’m at the office, I feel free, light and able to work. I don’t feel overwhelmed with all the responsibilities of getting things done, feeding the kids, and keeping everyone — EVERYONE — happy.
It’s hard. I need this job. I need to work. I can’t afford more help.
And I sit in a heck of a lot of traffic when I do get to go to the office.
I see how hard it is to work at the office. When I do get to the office, I regret that I haven’t seen my kids all day. But, when I work at home all day, I’m a mess at the end of the day. Exhausted and disheveled.
Thanks for this really thought-provoking post. We all have it tough, I maintain. It wasn’t fair for the momversation video to exclude the WOHM demographic, though. (I have yet to see the video.) And good for you for bringing this omission to light! (they should def call you for their next vid!)
HAHA If I thought working outside the home was easier, I’d be DOING it. I’m at home because this way I don’t have to spend an hour getting my work clothes on and doing my makeup.
Plus, that little monster talking during a conference call? I am a MASTER of the mute button.
It’s stressful and annoying…but it is in a whole different league than moms working outside of the house.
I say this as someone who works a 40hour week IN the house. Billable. So there are extra hours I can’t even BILL for. Easier.
I get to leave in the middle of a workday to take my kids to martial arts class. WOHMs do NOT get that luxury…and it is…a luxury.
I was on a parenting board that had sections for stay at home moms and work at home moms….I had to email and ASK where I was supposed to post…because I don’t want to bitch about a bad day in the WOHM forum and have them roll their eyes and play tiny violins at me. Because they would, and I wouldn’t blame them.
I only get pissed when people say what I do is easy. It’s not. But it’s also not as difficult as trying to balance an out of the home career with kids at home and pay for childcare.
Plus, I make an honest to goodness full time income from my home and it gets under MY skin when wannabe WAHMs who don’t do shit and then complain about no money coming in or who have shady work ethics in the first place try and put themselves in MY position. So….there are many levels and layers to the whole shitstorm.
Glad you wrote what you felt. It’s your blog and you should be able to do that without getting flamed. LOL
I think you make some very valid points Sam.
As a WAHM myself, I find it very difficult sometimes. The lines of work and child care blur so easily. I think the benefit of working away from home is you go, do your work, come home.
Having said that, do I think being a WOHM is somehow easier? I don’t. It’s just different.
I think what we forget is that any working mom (whether at home or out of the home) deals with is guilt. I feel guilty on days where I have to work through the day and feel that I’m neglecting my child. I know my friends who are WOHM feel intense guilt about having to leave their child.
I guess what I don’t understand is why this has to be a ‘my life is worse’ competition. We each have our own unique challenges to deal with, and no matter where you’re working it’s hard.
I wonder how much the sensitivity around topics like this come from resentment at having to go to work at all and not having the choice to stay home if you want to. (yes, I know there are Mom’s who want to, and need to, for their own sanity, work outside of the home. That comment isn’t directed at you).
Yes it was. You know it was. LOL You know me soooo well.
I will be the first to admit that part of my sensitivity to the issue is that I would give anything to be the primary caregiver for my children. I would love to WAHM regularly and not have that $1840 a month daycare bill as well as the insurmountable guilt of leaving my children to be raised by someone else.
To buy the new house we’re currently looking for as well as my electrolux beauties, I have to have a steady income reported.
Regardless of this fact – I still feel that being a WAHM vs. a WOHM is completely different and for Momversation to blatantly leave is out really irked me. I feel as though I am making one of the biggest sacrifices a mother can make – by not being there for my children – and it’s not even acknowledged, yanno?
xox
Hmmm, I don’t know what to think. All I know is after reading, this SAHM had to do some emotional eating.
Reality is an illusion, although a very persistent one. -Einstein
Fuck Momversation. Yeah, that’s what I think. Fuck ‘em.
Oh, and I feel guilty because I’m showing my boys a very traditional life and not that women can be lawyers and doctors and rocket scientist and shit. I show them I can make kick-ass cookies.
Wha?
yeah, this whole mom gig is just a mind fuck, really. A game where we can screw with our own heads. Wheeeeee!
I can haz cookie?
I love you and I know that if anyone can play trucks for five hours straight, it’s you. (That’s coming from Maggie, NOT me. She said it in the video, please don’t poison my cookie)
Totally agree.
The Momversations is why I’ve given up on a lot of mommy bloggers. It’s this “oh our life is hard.” Serious WTF! I work because, well, one it’s very fulfulling and two we need the cash. (more 2 than 1 some days.) And you know, it’s terribly offensive that, they don’t deem the experience of us WOHM worthy of comment. It’s as if we are lesser parents.
I think I was better off ignoring these “dialogues” (whatever)…
Back into hiding with me.
Nataly, from Workitmom . com, used to be part of the momversations — I wish they had called on her for this one. What a missed opportunity.
Great post. I hear you. Work is work, but some aspects of working outside of the home are definitely a different level of stress than what these Momversation mommies are talking about…
love you!
I’m not going to add any more flames to this war (I hope) but I do need to make one point- I’m a WOHM (but have done every variation of the mom role out there). I do NOT get to leave my work at work and come hone and just be a mom. My job requires me to work far more hours than I could ever fit into a 12-14 hr work day. This misperception that all WOHM’s get to “leave work at work” just bugged me as I read that over and over in the comments. It is currently almost 12:30 am and I’ve been working on matters for clients since coming home from my oldest’s little league game at 8:00. A game I went to right from the office.
THANK YOU!! You’re so right and I can’t believe I even failed to mention that seeing as I’ve had MANY weeks where I’ve worked WELL over 40 hours (like 80 HOURS at times) and have had calls at home at 10pm regarding work issues needing attention. I’ve had to come back to the office after putting the kids to bed before too.
And! If it’s not a entry-level position it’s very likely that there will be some nagging thoughts that wake a WOHM at night about a project / proposal / presentation at night. It doesn’t just drop because we’ve left the office!
Thank you so much for mentioning this!!
Exactly. And? I don’t exactly work with adult, calm, reasonable people. Essentially, I answer to asshole with egos and clients with problems that they need me to solve- all day long. I’m not out having lunch at a nice restaurant, having adult conversation about current events. There seems to be a huge misperception in what WOHM’s do at work all day. There’s a reason it’s called “work” and why we get paid to do it- it’s hard, sometimes demoralizing and a whole other set of people making demands on you.
Oh lordy. Wow.
Kudos for the brave and honest post.
I’d never heard of the Momversations before [since I'm not a mom, I guess], but yeah, talking about working moms and not having any of them work outside the home? Fail!
I’m seriously in awe of the work that all moms do.
Yea Momversations always get my blood boiling I almost never agree with some of them. Anyway I have done both the full time working mom dragging the kids to daycare…. Having that conversation with your spouse about who will stay home this time. Worrying if I was going to get fired because I had taken one to many days off with a sick child. And the guilt ah the guilt that was the worst part.
I am now a stay at home mom full time and I love it yes I do miss the extra money and I miss the adult conversation during the day. I even miss be paid vacations sigh… but I have to agree with you working full time with kids the commute the daycare is NOTHING I mean Nothing compared to being able to stay at home. Working outside the home is soo much harder.
I am glad you voiced this because on the Momversations they totally glossed over this and this is a huge number of moms have to do this dance everyday. Thanks for being honest and posting what you think. !!!!
I haven’t read all the comments because I only have a few more minutes of break time before I get back to my “fucking joke” of trying to balance working from home with kids and the home.
But I did just want to take a moment to say that this is the kind of post that not only irritates me because it belittles the work – yes, REAL WORK – that I do, writing for four different places (each of whom thinks it should take priority over the others and ALSO over my family) in an effort to keep my family afloat since my previous job didn’t pay enough for the crappy daycare options around here. It also sets us back yet again, because once again here we are, a bunch of women pointing at each other and saying, “no your life is easier, no YOUR life is easier”.
The fucking joke is not what WAHMs do. The fucking joke is not what WOHMs do. The fucking joke is not what SAHMs do. The fucking joke is that yet again the non-parent portion of the internet can have a good laugh at how stupid the moms all are, whining and bitching and pointing fingers. AGAIN.
Way to show solidarity for women and mothers. How about we all just try something totally novel and admit that BEING A MOM IS HARD sometimes, whether you stay at home all day, work at home all day, or sit in an office all day? That might be a refreshing change because it’s all hard.
The big problem is it’s even harder when all we do is fight about it.
Sherry=
I could not have said it better myself. Bravo, bravo, bravo.
How we women treat each other and how we just keep going back for more is the biggest fucking joke of all.
What a fantastic example we are setting for our daughters…..
Trish
very very well said!
The original poster keeps agreeing with everyone’s comments saying “I never said it wasn’t hard”,” I’ve been their”, but she also calls it “a fucking joke”. I don’t think she even knows what the hell she said. Maybe she should go back and read or edit her post if shes agreeing with everyone and that it is hard being a WAHM and that everyones circumstances are different after calling it “a fucking joke”.
Well, I wouldn’t go as far as saying that it’s a joke, but working from home is definitely VERY different from working outside the home. You can make your own hours, for starters, and that is already HUGE. If your child is sick, you can take care of him/her and work during naps or at night. Moms miss sleep anyway, the reasons why vary, work is just another reason
Working from home probably requires more discipline, but working outside requires more patience. Both require good organizing skills.
I consider myself lucky to be able to stay home, although sometimes I wish I had a job outside the home. But then I think of spending the whole day at work, away from the girls, and then getting home and still having to make dinner and check homework, etc… and have a limited amount of patience for my family because I had to deal with crap in the office too. And that’s when I feel really lucky to be a SAHM.
So I have to say that while I may not quite agree with the way you put it, I am definitely on your side of the fence on this one!
Damn girl! You are MISERABLE!! Do something that works best for your family!! Prioritize and take a job with less hours! Cut back somewhere else! Not worth it to be so miserable!!
I’m absolutely outraged at this article. I’m as outraged at this article as I get at the Breastfeeding Nazis. How dare you say that working at home is a fucking joke? How dare you say that it’s a piece of cake?
Please.
I’m a freelance writer and a WAHM and while I absolutely respect that it’s very difficult to be a mom who works away from home, I do not think it’s right that you slammed us WAHM’s the way that you did.
At least Kim’s article was respectful.
I’ve been where you are – I know how hard it is to leave your child in some strangers care, and to believe that being at home is the easiest thing ever.
And I’ve also been here and have had to find time for work and for interacting with my children.
I respect moms who work away from the home, and I respect moms who work in the home.
Your utter lack of respect for mothers who work at home disgusts me. But the more I look at this article, the more I wonder if you’re really that annoyed with moms who work at home or if you’re simply jealous.
Wow. Sorry you seemed to have missed my point entirely.
I DO BOTH. Right now, at the same time. I have a WOHM job as well as a WAHM job. Living a double life the way I am, I notice the immense differences. I wouldn’t ever have written anything like this had I not worn the shoes. Not ever.
Oh we got your point, “a fucking joke”. Doesn’t get any clearer than that. You can’t say that then say you were on both sides of this argument.
No matter what we do as moms, we are constantly judged by the other side. Work at home, Work Outside The Home, Stay At Home. Every segment in some way sees the grass greener on the other side at times.
I think working moms(outside the home) feel resentful towards SAHMs because they get to spend so much more time with their kids.
I think SAHMs sometimes feel resentful that working moms get out of the house and interact with adults, instead of babies/kids all day.
Work at home moms feel trapped in the middle I think. They don’t “Fit in” with either group.
Any way you bounce it, it’s hard being a mom. I work away from home. I’m lucky in that I at least get to see my kid at lunch time. But I run a schedule much like yours. Up early, get me ready, the kid ready and out the door for a 30 mile commute. Get home, cook dinner, or to be honest, more nights than not, stop and get dinner. Wash dishes, wash bottles, wash clothes. And try to squeeze in some play time before the kid goes down at 7:30. That’s what I try to do every night between 6 pm and 7:30. After she’s in bed, I can’t do laundry, because her room is right next to the laundry room, and the washer would keep her up all night.
I have no illusions that the steps I saw her take last week were her first. I know the first time she actually says “mama or dada” I probably won’t be there. I miss so many of her firsts. I don’t have a choice. For us to survive, I have to work. So I will always be on this side of the fence. But if anyone wants to be my sugar daddy, I’ll gladly hop over to the other side.
There’s a lot of hate here, so I won’t add to it, but I agree and FEEL YOU, honey. Zoot and I are friends locally and we constantly bitch and moan about how EXHAUSTING it is to be a WOHM, while readily admitting that we don’t have the constitution to be SAHMs. Cause, seriously? Would. go. postal.
However, I have a job that is flexible in my ability to WAHM when called to, and I know I’m fortunate in that respect. I could not IMAGINE what I would do if I didn’t have the flexibility to work from home with sick children, or daycare closures, or what have you.
I think the part that’s hardest to adjust to (for moi, anyway) is the lack of life OUTSIDE of the routine. Like you, I spend MAYBE two or three hours a weekday with my child. And when the child goes down to nap, I go BACK to work (from home, but still). Trying to fit in some “me” time? HORRIBLE AWFUL TERRIBLE GUILT.
This is probably too long for a comment, but I wanted to straight up high-five you. But I’m too tired to lift my arm.
Honestly, most of the true, full-time WAHMs I know do exactly what I do as a WOHM – put their kids in childcare or have a nanny. Or they fulfill their commitments once the kids are in bed. I have commitments beyond my day job as well, and there is no way I could complete anything on a deadline during the hours that I am taking care of my children. I kinda think that anyone that says that they are working while taking care of their kids is doing one or the other somewhat poorly.
Kgirl – sorry, but I’m a full-time WAHM who makes as much as her husband does. And he works OUT of the home. I do not have a Nanny (I WISH!) and I do not put my children into daycare. I did work a bit this year while my daughter was in preschool, and will definitely be working during the day while they’re both in school next fall, but I have never found childcare for them while I’m working.
This makes it extra hard – I have to balance chores/playtime/ect while fulfilling my commitments. I try to follow a schedule to allow for everything to get done, but I do often find myself working after they’ve gone to bed until the wee hours of the morning, which means that I get absolutely no down time.
Do WOHM’s have it difficult? Absolutely! But so to do WAHM’s, and please don’t assume that we all have nannies or daycare – my boss is a WAHM as well and she doesn’t have a nanny or daycare, so too is one of my best friends, and the same thing goes. And most of the people I work with online are all in the same boat, working as we can, when we can, while balancing our children and our work.
I never actually said anything about payscale, nor did I imply that the work that a WAHM does is worth less than that of a WOHM (or WOHD). I simply said that most WAHMs I know must seek child care (at least part-time) or wait until their kids are in bed to get the work done properly.
Why would this cause you to become defensive? If the choice to WAH was made to spend more time with your kids, than I would think that you too are only working when they are not there (as you have stated).
Parenting is parenting, and work is work, regardless of where your office is.
“Let’s talk about being a REAL working mom shall we? Not this fluff about working from home because I’ve been there too. I’ve too worked from home, designing, freelance writing, and trying to manage my house at the same time. I was doing what I could to keep us afloat while home with my children.”
You implied that we basically freelance and make no money. Which we don’t all freelance, you can’t make a good living off of freelancing.
I came to read this because of Suburban Turmoil’s reference of the article in her blog entry today.
I think that your thoughts, as well as the follow up comments from all the other women, are just proof that humans are never happy!
It takes all kinds of people to make the world go around, and each and every one of us has our own abundance of opinions. And you know what they say about those.
I work part time in an office, and part time I work for myself as a photographer. I am lucky enough to be able to do this for a couple of different reasons. Either way, I do get to spend a little bit more time with my son because of it.
It’s a bitch, isn’t it? Trying to balance it all. Trying to have a career and earn a bit of respect for the days we don’t murder someone.
Come to think of it- we’re all so stressed out. Maybe something needs to change? You know that the world is gone mad when a freelancing WAHM complains that she has it tough. Something’s gotta give.
Or maybe we’re just all looking for a bit of sympathy?
I don’t get it. Is it supposed to be a who-has-it-worse contest?
I have five kids. I’ve been a working from home mom, a working out of the home mom, and a part-time WOH-slash-part-time WAH mom. How hard each of those “lives” were depended on MANY factors: my kids’ ages, developmental stages, and temperaments; how much I liked whatever job I was doing and how stressful, in general, it was; and how happy I was with the rest of my life. In fact, the “easiest” year I ever had was when my oldest boys were 4 and 6 and I worked full-time in an office setting. It was “easy” because I liked my job, had plenty of breaks throughout the day, felt good about the child care situation they were in and didn’t have to take my work home with me, so our evenings were ours alone. By comparison, my transition to a working-at-home-mom the following year, with a newborn and a fledgling writing career, was HARD HARD HARD. So what? That doesn’t invalidate the fact that your life is hard or that another working mom’s life might be going through an easier phase. We all have unique situations.
Currently I work from home while my husband works in another state four days of the week and comes home on weekends. I spend every day juggling the needs of many kids from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. I have very limited child care and many bosses (the magazine editors I answer to). And at the end of the day, most days, I don’t even get a break because my husband isn’t here. So is my life harder than yours, less hard, or about the same? Who cares? I’m not keeping score.
Amen Meagan, I couldn’t agree more.
Hey everyone,
We have heard you – and agree! I’ve had the producers follow this thread so they are well aware of wheat you want to see.
For this episode, they asked each of us to talk about our own situations. Had they asked me this question (I wasn’t on that panel) you would have heard an earful about working 6 day weeks and 14 hour days and missing toddlerhood for all three kids. However, I’ve been in a LOT of episodes lately, and they try to spread it around.
None of these episodes are long enough for indepth discussion about all aspects of any subject, so we try to keep it general, or really, really specific. Also, remember that there is only so much air time split between three and five panelists. I have submitted up to fifteen minutes of discussion, and it has to be cut down to a minute or two, and evaluated with the rest of the submissions for common threads so as to present a coherent conversation.
It needs to be what it advertises, a conversation between a few of us to serve as a jumping off point for discussion with all of you in the comments and forums, and we try very hard to do it well. Whenever you think of an angle that wasn’t covered, PLEASE let them know! We’re dying to know what you want to see covered. If we don’t get suggestions from readers, we think up topics ourselves based on what’s current or of particular importance to one of us.
I’m so glad to see the lively discussion – really, I love wading in. I ask though for the benefit of the doubt, or for commenters to at least read the comments before fanning the flames without more context than the comment that hits a nerve. It’s like a game of telephone – by the time you get to the end of the thread it’s completely twisted. We didn’t have time/material to hit all the high notes this time, but that doesn’t mean we actively excluded anything not mentioned.
Peace,
Mindy Roberts
Also, aware of WHAT you want. And I’m pretty sure it’s not wheat.
Uh, sorry, but when you told me what you paid for daycare? I couldn’t afford to go to work outside the home for the price of that daycare.
You know, you have a husband, too.
I was a single working mother for much of my kids life and really wanted to be home and suffered daycare costs on my own. There wasn’t the internet opportunities there are like are available to me now, but on the other hand, I CLEARLY remember liking to go to work outside the home to RELAX, concentrate on work and have adult conversation, ha-ha.
As someone who now watches kids and works from home and does computer-related work part-time, it’s hard. To have TRY to work with a baby screaming and a toddler needing things. Sometimes I’m grateful just to have to go make a bank deposit, sit in traffic and CLEAR MY HEAD.
I think they’re BOTH equally as hard, but it depends on the situation of where the mom is coming from, how much money she can make (either at home or outside) and if she has a husband or other adult in her household to help.
I think you are clearly coming from a place of a certain privilege where you have options and choices, and have now decided your row is the toughest to hoe.
I think the hardest of all is when a woman really doesn’t have any choice of what she wants to do.
I haven’t read l
I know that there is a lot a sensitivity around this subject of WOHM vs WAHM vs SAHM. I am SAHM mom. No we are rich or have lots of money, but we sacrifice certain this so that I can. I have two small children and the cost of daycare is outrageous and I would have just paid for childcare. I don’t have a bachelors degree or anything. My Husband is a pastor so he doesn’t make just a boat load of money either.
There is a battle that I go through ever month or so about going back to work. I have no options of WAHM or i would. (that i see or have knowledge of anyway!)
I think we just need to have respect for each other. We all have choices that we have made for one reason or another. (I realize that some times we feel like we don’t have a choice in the matter.) Try to imagine their life. Have compassion for one another. I don’ think one is better than the other just different. We all have stress!
(Whoops. Sorry bout that…a little slippage of the pointer finger)
Well shit, I haven’t read all the comments either because I am at work. And although I freely surf the blog world from time to time, sitting here and getting too deeply involved in this conversation does make me feel just a wee bit guilty.
Momversation has always seemed so fake to me. For some reason I still click on the link when I see one. I think that WM is right, and that you should do your own video panel to talk about the subject. Hell, I’d do it. Maybe I’ll start one! And I do NOT look so hot on camera, let me tell you. But even better, because it’d be real. Real life. Real moms. Real houses. Where sometimes there aren’t options. Sometimes life requires something from you that you don’t always want to give, but have to. For the benefit of the whole.
I could work at home a couple days a week but it’s terrifically hard. So I come to work. And that’s terrifically hard. And they are so NOT THE SAME “hard.”
I’m so glad that you wrote this because I had such a similar reaction to that damn video. Not only did it leave out an entire demographic of the mothering/parent/family population, but I think it alienated that demographic. Bad, bad, bad. I would love to see other posts related to this. May have to write one myself. Though I’m usually pretty averse to jumping on the bandwagon, this wagon is pretty damn IMPORTANT.
I have to add that I don’t think it’s about keeping score. And I think that’s where a lot of people will go when they read this article and these comments. Why does bringing light to a subject mean that someone is keeping score, or trying to play the “woe is me” card, “my life is worse”? When people start to think this is what is happening, judgments start to fly online just like they do on the playground, and it just isn’t fair. It isn’t right that a mom can’t voice an emotional reaction to someone or someones without being automatically categorized as judging others, therefore judging themselves. Just saying. If we want to support one another in this online community, we have to view all sides of the story without pointing fingers, without assuming that others are vying for more sympathy, without shunning the voices that can’t clearly identify with.
I don’t keep score. Unless we’re playing scrabble. And I don’t judge you when you say something I disagree with. But I’ll speak up and tell you what I DO think. [sigh]
Well, since I’m one that asked about keeping score, can I just immaturely respond with “But SHE started it!” ? I do see your point, but keeping score was very clearly what this post was trying to do: saying “there is no comparison” or “working from home is not even in the same realm as being a working mother” takes this far beyond Samantha’s personal experience and makes it about the rest of us, by taking her personal experience and trying to use it to paint a very broad picture of what it’s like to be a working mom (either at home or out of the home). The judgment started in the original post, not in the comments section.
These ARE real moms, real houses! I’ll film in front of the laundry pile next time. All we do is clean one corner, dry our hair, put on makeup, and point lights at our faces. It’s the only time of the week I do anything close to that much preening.
We always want more real moms on the panel. Send an email! Leave a video comment! Get in here with us!
P.S. I get all kinds of shit from my friends for looking put together on the few days I film, because I’m usually two days without a shower, hair in a ponytail, bags under my eyes from worrying about the bank freezing my accounts. Which, by the way, I’m going to check on right now because I think this was D-day.
So, hate us, but know we have suckage too. I have no job, no child support, no spouse, no money, very very little sanity.
I am so glad you wrote this. I too work out of the home full time and couldn’t agree with you more. Thank you for articulating what I’ve been thinking for so long.
OK. I’m jumping back into the fray here. *slipping into my flame retardant clothing*
I just sat down and read through all of the comments. There are many that are supportive of Sam’s position and many that have lambasted her.
But no where did any of us (myself included) read between the lines of this post and see {and I’m putting words in your mouth here Sam, so correct me if I’m wrong} that perhaps Sam didn’t write this to start a flame war, or paint all WAHM as such and such, or debate what real jobs mean.
Perhaps this was her way of putting herself out there and saying “I’m frustrated. I’m at my limit. I’ve hit a wall. I can’t do this anymore. This is not what I want my life to be.”
We’re so busy bickering about who has it harder or worse, or what side of this line we sit on that none of us has sat back and said “You know what. None of that matters”
Because what I see here is a fellow mom, a fellow blogger who’s had a rough time returning to work, who’s had a rough couple of months, and who needs some support, love and compassion right now, rather then a bunch of hens nattering at each other.
At what point do we put our differences aside and and start supporting the person, even if you may not agree with the opinion?
I’m starting right now.
Sam, I love you. I think you’re awesome, and you’re doing a great job as a mom. I know things have been rough for you the past couple of months. Here are a bunch of HUGS tied up with fluffy pink heart ribbons. I’m here for you if you need to talk (I may have a big mouth, but I really can be a good listener). And I know I’m halfway across the country from you, but if there’s anything I can do, I’m here to help.
xoxoxo
Here, Here!
****STANDING OVATION!!****
I’ll add my shoulder to the many for you to cry on Sam.
When did this become one of those stupid mommywars arguments? I’ve done both — worked from home for over a decade and am now splitting my time telecommuting and in the office. And you know what? IT’S ALL HARD. Hard for different reasons and all those reasons matter and are important. What my working experiences have in common is that it’s freaking hard to balance work & family, which is really what we ought to be talking about. It’s hard to find decent other-care when we need help with our kids. It’s hard to negotiate time off when family needs dictate. It’s hard to balance the budget when the economy sucks and clients or jobs are hard to come by. It’s hard to keep our careers on-track when jobs are stuck in some Mad Men era idea of what it looks like to make a living when our real lives are much more complicated, scattered and less compartmentalized than the alleged good old days. So instead of arguing that some of our jobs are more real than others of our jobs, how about we quit the mom-bashing and start figuring out how to get the support we need to live our lives AND make a living?
Now, Sam, after reading this in full again, I do wonder if I interpreted it correctly. When I first read it, I assumed that the strong words were mostly a result of being pissed off about the Momversation episode including only WAHMs, and perhaps wishing you had the same freedom. I don’t mean to be patronizing when I say this, I do know that it can be very annoying to hear someone complain while you think they have no clue how good they have it.
But really, do you really feel that what they do is all fluff? Because surely you cannot group all freelancers in this. Some of the WAHMs work only part-time as a way to make ends meet, but others do writing consulting, professional photography… sure, the fact that they can decide their schedules is helpful, but does that mean, they don’t work as hard? Not necessarily.
Do you really feel this way, or are you just mad about the whining and the misrepresentation in the video?
I’d like an answer to this as well.
I see where you’re coming from. I know based on the comments it seems as though I’ve been out to get WAHMs. I’m not. I consider myself a WAHM as well as a WOHM. I am currently working on my WAHM job at this very moment and after a few more hours of putting in time for my clients, I will have a few hours sleep before I am back at work for my other job – outside of the home.
I have literally no down time. I get home, feed and bathe the kids, clean up, out them to bed and then sit down with my laptop and work for my clients until I go to bed. This is a choice I have made. I know that.
Because I do both simultaneously, I know they are different and I know that it’s not the same. For ME. It’s harder out of the house. Do think it’s a luxury to be home? For me? Yes. And it’s something that I am hoping to work towards because it’s an amazing opportunity. But! I stand by saying that a WOHM’s job is harder FOR ME because dude, do you know how much I’d love to take my kids to the park during the day? To ride bike even if it’s for an hour while it’s still sunny and warm.
So in my mind the luxury of freedom = easy.
A ‘fucking joke’ = so easy compared to my WOHM job. My job that is challenging and heavy and difficult at times – as is being home, but it’s not the same in my eyes.
I know it’s really not fluff. It was a catty tongue in cheek comment. Know how I know it’s not *really* fluff? I live these two lives simultaneously. I live the managing my children while I deal with client needs and phone calls. I send them off to be cared for by others while I work for a boss that expects me to be there 150% when I’m in the office.
But no matter how many times I try an explain what I was trying to convey I will appear to be a jealous catty bitch out to get WAHMs OR I’m backpedaling, and that’s not the case.
S- I think that the main issue is that, in the original post, the “for ME” was not as clearly implied as you thought. I didn’t see it, at first, and it took me reading through the comments to understand your position better… So no backpeddling necessary! Anyhoo, here’s to hoping your ads pay on page impressions rather than clickthroughs!
yes, I feel the same. The “ME” part wasn’t very clear in the post, so it could come across as if you were saying that no other mom works as hard as one who works out of the house. Which may be true in many cases, including yours. But we also know there are moms who go back to work because they do better that way, rather than staying home with the kids all day.
Thank you for clarifying your position! I don’t see you as catty, just very passionate
I can (somewhat) understand your stance. However, you are not the judge regarding who the REAL working moms are/who has it the hardest. Every mom works (whether they are stay at home moms/work at home moms/work outside of the home moms) and every mom’s situation is unique. I think that when moms are secure in the choices that they have made for their own family, they don’t feel the need to belittle the choices of others. I’m just saying…
Thank you for taking the time to comment, but please note that at the very beginning of the post I have an editor’s note where I’ve explained where the ‘real’ part came from:
I’ve apologized for being unclear about my use of that word.
Thanks for the response, but my, oh my, how I wish this debate would end. Even with the definition of “if it pays the bills: it’s a job” – that negates the value of stay at home parents. (Although their work doesn’t “pay a bill” it prevents one childcare -an especially huge one in areas like NYC where I live!)
Hopefully, this discussion will have some positive outcome on all sides.
Kimberly, you’re absolutely undoubtedly correct about SAH-parents. I didn’t even touch on that because I wasn’t talking about SAH’s (even though this has snowballed MUCH further than I never even imagined). From personal experience of being home vs. being in an office environment I only touched on those. I’ve never been strictly a stay-at-home-parent.
I really don’t know what else to say at this point.
I can’t (and won’t) take my words back, but in hindsight I should have realized that not everyone on the internet is my friend, nor do they understand my snarky and half-witted attempts at letting it be known that I’ve had a REALLY hard time returning to work and to be completely left out of something that was meant to encompass “working moms” makes me feel as though this sacrifice of not seeing my children grow up is all for not. Which brings us full circle back to who has it harder and …around we go again….
So… let me get this straight…
Because you had a hard time transitioning back to the work force, you decided to give other moms a hard time? Because you felt left out of something, you decided to lash out?
Do you feel better having hurt other moms?
Because my heart breaks for everyone that you brought to tears today. Trust me, there was more than one mom crying tears of frustration for, once again, being written off. Just because you were written off of a video post doesn’t mean you need to do the same to others.
How sad.
If you watch the video, you’ll see that Daphne is making finger quotes and rolling her eyes while saying we don’t do “real work”, like of COURSE it’s real work, you lunkheads. It translates in real time, but maybe not as quoted from a quote lifted from somewhere else.
This is really sad. Here we are again — it’s us versus them. Come on, women. Let’s support each other instead of tearing each other down. If you have kids, it’s 24/7 for moms…it doesn’t matter if you work inside or outside the home. It’s long, hard, often unrewarded work being a mom. Each experience has different types of associated stresses, but bottom-line is it’s tough for us all. The least we can do for each other is offer an understanding shoulder or blog to get us through.
I have a question as I am listening to all you ladies. First of all, why do we go to such great lengths to tear each other down, and try to exalt ourselves over other mothers. I am a stay at home homeschooling mother. I suppose that you would all like to take a crack at me….but why do it? I work hard, you all work hard. I have 7 chlldren, my work is nonstop, as is yours with your 1 or 2. What purpose does it serve to curse and swear at other mothers, simply because they have made a different choice in their life? Now, I have another question….if it’s so awful…why do it? I hear some mothers say that they have to work to survive. If you are single, or your husband is in the military, or is deceased, or lost his job, than I totally understand. But, if that is not the case, why work? I’m not in any way trying to demean anyone, I’m just asking, because I get the feeling that some women are feeling really guilty about the idea that they are missing their childrens childhood, We always have choices. My husband is a teacher, and we still manage, just without many luxaries. I have a dear friend who is a single mom, homeschooling her children. She unfortunately lost her job, but is continuing on with the help of her friends and church family. It is possible to make it work, with sacrifice. And for those who can’t make it work, and have to leave the house every day, then do the best you can, but recognize that other hard working mothers are also doing the best they can. Just remember, your children will only be children for a short time. They are whats important, not which mothers think they work harder than others. How does this kind of talk benefit our children? Well, these are just my 2 cents, and they were delivered with a love and concern for all mothers out there.
Since WHEN is voicing your opinion via your own personal blog considered an attack on everyone else? That’s just ridiculous.
If you really don’t like what she had to say on her OWN BLOG, then go start your own. Voice all your opinions there, and pat yourself on the back for how clever you are, lol.
Of course, this may just be me, projecting because I’ve had the exact same thing happen to me. People giving me shit because I dared to voice my opinion. god forbid!
I think we all should just chillax already.
So you’re saying people should only comment if they AGREE with her? If she doesn’t want an open dialogue with people who read her blog then she needs to close the comments.
This always cracks me up about people who complain about comments they receive. “Waah, this is my blog, I can say what I want.” OF COURSE YOU CAN, it’s a free country but if you have a comment slot on your blog then that’s an invitation for people to respond for better or for worse. If it was really bothering her that much she has the power to delete every comment that doesn’t agree with hers. As you say, it’s her blog.
You say you want to voice your opinion but then you complain that other people voice their’s. It’s a two-way street.
I’m not saying that people shouldn’t reply. I LOVE discussions and debates. I’m just laughing at all the women who are getting their panties in a twist because they suddenly feel as though THEIR OWN LIFE CHOICES are threatened in some way, and express insult, and how DARE she voice her opinion (on her own blog…)??
C’mon. We’re all big girls here, right?
To them I say: Look away if you don’t like it. There are plenty of things I don’t agree with in life, and ignore them as a result. Sarah Palin and Speidi come to mind at a first thought…. lol!
I think a lot of us did go back to our own blog to write about it. I know I did, and I actually am glad to have had something different to write about.
When you have a blog, of course you have the right to voice your own opinion but if you’re going to put your voice out there – especially about something controversial that pushes buttons – then you shouldn’t be surprised if people disagree with you.
With the additional comment where Sam said that she’s had a hard time getting back to work, the entry makes more sense, but I still don’t think that it’s okay to pull every work at home mom into one net and say that our work is fluffy or doesn’t even compare.
Why did it have to be a comparison at all? That’s what MY post was about. It was about how we all have it hard, we all feel our own trials are more severe, and maybe we could all support each other instead of saying “your problems aren’t as important as mine”.
These conversations always remind me of an episode of Ally McBeal (no, really!) where Elaine asked Ally why she always thinks her damn problems are so much more important than anyone else’s and Ally said, quite honestly, “Because they’re mine.” And that’s pretty much true for a lot of people.
I’ve left the comments open because I have no problem with people expressing their opinion. I haven’t edited ONE comment or deleted anything. This is all raw commentary. I welcome it.
As much as some of the accusations have hurt, some may feel I deserve it and those are their words. Even though this is my space and I have the right to delete everything and anything I choose not to.
As I’ve said before – I own my words. Would I like to take my post back and better articulate what the real issue was / is? Fuck ya.
But that’s the past and here we are dancing in circles.
If I wasn’t so emotional and raw about how I feel about my efforts as a WOHM being (as I feel) so blatantly disregarded I may have not reacted so harshly. Had this video aired a month / week / day from the time it did I may have reacted differently if at all.
In my humble opinion, isn’t it just that we are all so fuckin’ tired? Speaking for myself, I do the best I can at home and at the office, and often, it just doesn’t make the cut.
And anyone that can get out of bed and shower at 5:00 has my ultimate respect. I would rather go to work in my pajamas than keep those hours.
I totally get venting and I think women should get off each other’s asses. Because I’m terrified what would happen if women came after my lame mother ass.
I got a better idea, how about NOT HAVING KIDS until you can AFFORD to do it without working and letting the nanny state raise them. HUH?
Um. Okaaay.
Hindsight is 20/20 my dear. But thank you.
I don’t really like some of the things that Samantha said in this post about WAHMs. But I like Samantha. And I feel for her and her work situation, I really do.
I did write my own rebuttal to this post on my blog, but I also wrote to Samantha the moment it was published and assured her it was nothing personal. I read her post and the comments over the weekend and couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I knew it would make for an interesting discussion.
The thing is, I’m excited to see Samantha at BlogHer next month. We will not be duking it out by any means, even though we disagree on this issue. I really think that we can all disagree with each other passionately and yet respectfully online– and still get along at the end of the day.
But I see real anger and viciousness that extends waaaay beyond passionate debate, both in some of my comments and in some of hers. And that makes me kind of sad.
Thanks for commenting Lindsay.
I makes me quite sad that this one post has come to be what many people use to define me as a person. What people will / have used to pigeon hole me as a spiteful jealous WOHM who feels she didn’t get her fair shake.
There’s just so much more to this post that wasn’t said – which is my fault.
There’s just so much more to me as a person.
Regardless – I’ve made my preverbial bed (answers.com says I have it right, spell check is out t mess with me) and I’m lying in it.
It’s a Costanza bed in case you’re wondering.
Looking forward to seeing you at BlogHer! I’ll be the one wearing a scarlet letter (or four).
Ok Ladies lets out on our big girl panties….the point here is that guess what, we have choices…hallelujah. Seriously, are we going to begrudge someone else for finding a creative way to supplement or sustain an income? Are we really going there? if you find fulfillment in blogging….great if you get up at 5am and go into an office to a job you love ,heres to you! But lets not drag each other down for choices that we have made ourselves, or ridicule others for theirs….really ladies… I have been all 3 of these acronyms and not ONE of them is easy! But they all served a purpose at different times in my life….and guess what those choices where sometimes dictated by what my FAMILY needed at the time. We all have to do our part…but as long as you are doing something to move forward I don’ t think anyone has the right to call it a f*%king joke….cuz in my 44 years I have found life can be funny ridiculous and absurd and but baby its no joke…….
Yes that’s what I was tring to communicate at 11:00 at night! Let’s vent without making other mother’s feel less than, but also, if it makes you feel bad, analyze it? Are you doing the right thing at this time for your family? I know that I am, although it does make me analyze whather I should be doing something different. I came to the conclusion that, no, I’m right where God wants me to be right now. So, from there, I can just let it go, and pray for all of you that you will find some time to rest in what you are doing, as we all need rest and refreshment! Hopefully, that comes out a little more clearly this morning!
Here’s what I don’t get. I feel like there is a vibe of “I am sacrificing for my family to be a WOHM.” What about the SAHM or WAHM that make the sacrifice to stay home? (I know it is not possible for all, especially single parent homes) Sometimes there is a choice involved. I chose to stay home from teaching after my first child was born. We lost an entire salary and were pretty poor at the time. After weighing the options of working and childcare, I chose to stay home with my daughter. At the time, it was more important to me to be with her than make enough to take her on a vacation that year or buy a house. We made sacrifices and cut back in many areas so I could do that. I think everyone has to do what works best for their own family, but I do think at the end of the day you have time and money for what is important to you. So if you chose to have an insane work schedule and work 80 hours a week to create a certain life for your family, great, but don’t be pissed that you are doing that, if that’s the life you have chosen to build.
I know that I’ve made my decision. I KNOW. Working as a WAHM AND WOHM are my decision. I OWN THAT.
Going back to the video – which sparked all this… there is no WOHMs in the video – which is a huge demographic of people – like myself – and I was upset that there wasn’t a WOHM on the panel of women featured.
There were women that said Oh, that’s not for me. I couldn’t do that. Yet, I FEEL there should have been at least one WOHM; a mom who actually was / is outside the home and because there wasn’t it made ME feel as though being a WOHM was / is completely disregarded, again making ME feel as though this sacrifice is all for not. And the fact that I’ve been having a hard time with my transition back to WOHM made me react very passionately – more so than I probably would had if returning to work wasn’t to difficult this time.
Samantha,
I think its great that you are not just trying to find that perfect blog post, but speaking your mind and sharing what is real to you. Even if we disagree, at the end of the day, its your blog and you can write whatever the h*** you want!
I guess I don’t understand how the moms in the momversation video talking about the challenges they face in their own working experiences diminish the challenges you might face in your own working situation or offend you? They never said anything about having it harder than WOHMs. I understand what you are saying about having a panel include women from all working walks of life, in and out of the home. I understand that your feeling disregarded is what prompted you to write your post. But what I don’t get is why there was such a mockery of the WAHM’s challenges and struggle for balance in your own post. Why not focus more on sharing your struggles, thoughts, and feeling about your mom/work challenges, how you deal, go insane sometimes, and cope; and focus less on diminishing the struggles of the WAHM? It seemed the focus of the momversation video was that balancing being a mom with anything and everything is a challenge, PERIOD. No one said being a WOHM isn’t super hard.
Samantha,
I don’t think that this one post will define you (for any rational person anyway). We have all written (or said) things in the heat of the moment that we would alter in hindsight. So be it. You have explained in the comments that you were talking about FOR YOU, it’s harder. I really hope the WOHM transition goes better/smoother for you in the near future.
(On a sidenote, I went back to the Momversation video. I like the site, but it definitely seems as if this episode alienated and angered several different groups of women. There were some stay at home moms who took issue with the video for their duties not being considered “work”; etc.)
Bottom line? You all picked your poison… stay at home, work at home or work outside the home… I have worked ALL those options, as well as, stay at home with the kids (ages 4, 3 and an infant) and THEN go to work from 6pm to 1am while my husband (who worked all day) took care of dinner, baths and bedtime. All of you are a bunch of freakin crybabies…. if you don’t like your situation… CHANGE IT instead of bitching about how bad you have it and how awesome everyone else’s life is….
Wow Amy, sounds like you certainly have plenty of options, which is more than many, many mothers can say. Myself included, who would lvoe nothing more than to be home with my kids all day, but am not because my husband is out of work and like it or not, my job pays the bills. You let me know how this particular crybaby can make the CHANGES you so readily advocate.
kgirl,
Let’s not get too dramatic here. Clearly, my intent was not to belittle people in situations they cannot control. I am sorry if it came out that way. My bad . My intent was for those who have the capability to make a change, yet lack the motivation to do so because it means a lesser paycheck(that they can afford) or an inconvenient schedule. I have sat next to my fair share of co-workers who roll up in their brand new BMW after just having gotten back from a weekend at their home on the coast, complaining about how stressed they are , how behind at home they are, how broke they are, how much they miss their babies etc. I was just surprised that everyone chose to beat up everyone else’s choices. Most of us just suck it up and do what we have to do , without complaining, for the betterment of our families…
Someone may have already said this, I didn’t read through the 123 comments before mine. But, where is your husband through all of this? I’ve been a working (outside the home) mother for 7 1/2 yrs and I couldn’t do it without my husband’s help. Afterall, he is the father! No wonder you sound so stressed if you are the only one to get your children ready in the morning, drop them off, pick them up, prepare dinner, clean house, and give them their baths! Good Lord!
Okay, let’s start a count…
I love what I do and the choices I have made with my family.
Oh, man. I lose.
Why do we do this to ourselves?? I am not just speaking about this particular post. This is an enormous problem we, as women (and mainly moms) CREATE. If you want to vent about how hard things are for you at the moment, then by all means, vent. But why the need to diminish someone else’s role in the process?
By the way, I am in no way saying I’m innocent. No need to torch me.
I just stumbled onto this post, and since I’m at work, I’ll have to make this short and steer well clear of the main discussion point. I want to focus on how you say you’ve had a really hard time going back to work.
I am a WOHM, but I’m pretty happy with that arrangement, so maybe what I have to say isn’t really helpful to you… but in case it is:
I don’t know you well enough to know how long you’ve been back at work. In my experience, it got A LOT easier after a little bit. Early on, I had a lot of guilt. Now, I don’t. My daughter (now a little over 2) is absolutely thriving in day care. She has friends and she likes her teachers. She does all sorts of enrichment activities- more, honestly, than she’d be doing if I were at home with her, because I’m just not that crafty.
The sick day juggle gets waaaay easier after the first cold/flu season, too, as everyone’s immunity has been improved by the hell that is the first season in day care. This year, Hubby and I were surprised to find we even had some PTO days left to use as actual vacation days.
We also have gotten better at working out our family’s way to do things, to minimize the pain. That took a little bit of time, but once we got our systems in place, things got better for us around the house.
This is not to belittle the difficulties you’re having now- I remember coming home so exhausted that I didn’t even have the energy for a good, purging cry. It is meant to be a “hang in there, it gets easier- or at least a little less hard” sort of thing.
Also, I know I am incredibly lucky in that I had a genuine choice between all three options. We bought our house after the baby was born. If we’d made different choices there, I could have been a SAHM. It was abundantly clear to me early on in my maternity leave that I would be a lousy SAHM, so we went ahead and bought a house based on my income. I had a job that let me work at home- I found that too difficult for the work I needed to do and the type of baby I had, so I went to the office, and then eventually left that job for one I like better (but that doesn’t have the work at home option). So I feel like I got to where I am through choices, and that they were the best choices FOR ME, and I recognize that this is a situation that a lot of other women are not in. Hopefully, the right choices for you will become available, and your life will get easier soon.
Thank you. I really really appreciate your comment.
I am a mother of two. This is my second time returning to the workforce after having a child. I’ve held a job since I was 15 and have been off on year long maternity leaves.
I run my own on-line business from home while I work out of the home during the day.
It’s not that new to me, but! that being said. Coming back to work after my second son was born (I’ve been back about a month now) has been a huge struggle in comparison to when I came back after my first born. Things are SIGNIFICANTLY different this time and apparently I am more bothered by it than I have admitted to myself.
So thank you for taking the time to comment and share your experience.
See, a year long maternity leave would have driven me insane! Seriously, I would have ended up under professional care. This is how I know I wasn’t meant to be a SAHM.
I confess your reply makes me a little nervous, because I’m currently pregnant with our second baby. Hubby and I are already discussing what changes we can make to our “housekeeping systems” to deal with the new baby and all the extra things that will add to our daily to do list. It is daunting. Cut yourself some slack for having a hard time with it.
My friends who have two say that there is an initial adjustment period there, too, and that it gets easier. I am hoping that they are right.
I think for me personally, the key component is a husband who truly views childcare and household chores as being an equally shared responsibility. So we juggle, but we both juggle and I don’t have to pitch a fit to get him in on the juggling act. I don’t know how people with less, shall we say, enlightened?- husbands do it. And the single mom at my company who has three kids? I think she is superwoman.
So I guess my next question is- has your husband read this post? Is he feeling anywhere near as stressed as you are? Because if he isn’t, maybe he should take a good hard look and decide whether he is doing his fair share right now. I know that in our family, whenever one of us gets to this level of angst, the other will often have to admit that it is at least partly because we aren’t pulling our weight.
THANK YOU !!!!!! Thanks for writing this! I’m dealing with a huge amount of “having a kid isn’t an excuse” right now. My director is woman who has only known work – by choice does not have kids and does NOT care if yours are sick with a fever, fell and needs stitches , etc… I’ve been on both sides. I stayed at home with my 1st and now rush to drop her at school and my 8 month old at daycare because my hubs is an electrician and leaves at 7 before the choas begins. It’s sooo hard to leave them and it SUCKS and is so hard when you’re up with a sick kid in the night and all you can think is FUCK , who’s going to stay home tomorrow.
I LOVE my kids and would love to stay home, but it’s just not a reality right now. I’m glad there are people like you who write publicly about how ALOT of us feel.
****Fingers crossed on the house****
Hi Sam,
First time I have left a comment here. That being said, I think that for me, being a WOHM has been easier than being a SAHM. I have never been an official WAHM, but I do know that if I’m home with the kids, I can’t get any work done. But that is me, what I find more challenging (they are all challenging).
All of this is to say that we all find different working situations stressful at different times. What I hear in your post is that your situation is stressful for you right now, and it’s not working overall.
I do hope you find a balance between WAHM and WOHM that works for you and your current financial situation. I do know (from personal experience) that if it makes you chronically unhappy, that’s only going to negatively affect you, and those around you, in the long run. Anyway, hugs to you in your stressful times.
Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving a comment. I just wanted to make sure you understood that my post comes from frustration too. I’m frustrated that this conversation has to happen at all. We all have kids (or we wouldn’t be ‘mommy bloggers’ haha) and we all have stress. My post was all frustration and not aimed directly at any one post or person ( I was just linking to some of the highly commented on ones to show a spectrum of ideas and thoughts). I’m just tired of the intelligent, funny, daily must read (for me anyway) bloggers ‘arguing’ amongst themselves over something that really can’t (and shouldn’t) be ‘won’. I mean, who really wants to *win* a game of one-ups that is about stress (or anything negative?)
Anyway Thanks for your comment and I applaud you for speaking your mind & then holding it amongst all the feedback.
-Kristi
I work out of the home and it can be rough for all the reasons you mentioned. But recently I started working from home 2 days a week, and it can ALSO be rough for different reasons.
But I know exactly what you mean – getting stressed on my office days is all about traffic and getting up at the buttcrack of dawn and worrying about the kids and who will pick them up for me when i have to work late and what if someone gets sick and I have an hour+ drive to get to them, and will my boss get mad when I go, and how will I have time to get dinner cooked and get the kids fed and off to band/gymnastics/karate and OMG the house is a mess and look at all that laundry.
Getting stressed at home is different – it is because the kids are lolling around and I have to get them moving, or they are fighting, or the stupid dog puked on the carpet, or I have a conference call and someone is making noise. It;s different. Because I am stressed and it is hard, but in the midst of that – if someone is sick, I am already there. Because I can take 5 minutes to throw a load of laundry in, or turn on the crockpot and let dinner cook while I am still meeting a deadline.
They are both hard, for sure – and I am not saying that one is worse, because Lord knows if I were home every day I would most likely lose my mind and cry all the time. But for me – the WAHM stress is more emotional – it’s about me being driven up a wall, and the WOHM stress is more, I don’t know – practical or physical. It’s about me simply not having the time I need to get things done, or worrying about getting to work or home on time, or about someone’s heath or worrying about jeopardizing my job to be with the kids, or about letting the kids down because I have to work and can’t make it to something for them.
The WAHM stress only really affects me, but the WOHM stress affects a lot of other people – kids, spouse, coworkers, etc. That’s the big difference for me.
OMG Gina. You hit the nail on the head. That’s pretty much what my muddled brain has been trying to say all along! THANK YOU!!
I think the main point of this post has gotten all muddled up as the comments keep flowing.
But I hear you: Your main point was that WOHM were NOT REPRESENTED in that Momversation.
And I agree. They should have been. It’s a whole ‘nother point of view and demographic whose opinions were NOT THERE.
The end.
Why do you assume that someone who works from home can make their own hours or only work during naps and at night? Have you heard of telecommuting? Many companies are saving money by having employees work from home, with the exact same hours and responsibilities they would have in an office. You are expected to log in to the company server by a certain time, log out at a certain time, you have to log in and out for breaks, just like in an office.
Someone with that kind of job has no more time for housework or playing trains than someone who commutes to an office. I wish everyone would stop making these giant assumptions about everyone else.
While I agree that the Momversation people should have included someone who does work outside the home, was that the point of the video? Or was it how do you balance the work you do at home with your responsibilities to your kids? Heather and Maggie and Rebecca all write for numerous websites who pay them for their writing. THOSE ARE JOBS. REAL JOBS.
I worked in an office for seven years before quitting to stay home when my second child was born. I remember what it is like to have your boss call you into their office and warn you that you are using too many sick days and your job is in jeopardy. I also know what it’s like to have someone who paid me to write an article for them call me and ask me where the heck their article is?
Whether I’m sitting in a high-rise building downtown or sitting on my couch taking that phone call, I’m answering to bosses either way. AND, if I’m parenting my children to the very best of my ability, whether I earn any income or not, I’m answering to an even more important boss- THEM.
I’m a big fan of yours, Sam, and I think I know where you were going with this post, but I agree with the commenter who said why can’t we all support each other as Moms? Why do we have to compare? Whether we work outside or inside the home or don’t have a paying job, we all have the BEST JOB in the world- we are MOMS.
Sorry, that first part of my comment above was in reply to Elisa at 12:42 pm.
I think you mean ‘allude’ instead of ‘elude’.
Hey Sam, you know that kids song “This is the song that never ends“?
That’s what this post reminds me of…
“This is the post that never dies
Can’t we just get along you guys
Some people started commenting not knowing what it was
And they’ll continue commenting forever just because…”
Haaaa!! hilarious… love it
And that used to be my favorite show, thankyouverymuch. Heh!
I’ve done both. I worked, in an office for six years. I’ve had the boss come to me and say, “You’ve taken too many sick days because of your child.” and after taking too much bullshit from that boss, I walked out on that job and THANKS BE TO GOD, was offered a work-at-home job.
And you know what? It’s just as hard as working in an office, because when I’m home and working, my child is here. I can’t say, “Mommy isn’t home from 7-3, don’t bother me.”
Even now, as a WAHM, I have fights with my husband about the fact that he doesn’t “have to” stay home with our sick child, because you know what? I’M ALREADY HOME, so to him that’s a dumb request. Why is his job more important because he has to drive in a car to get there?
Yes, Momversation should have been more fair with the representation of working mothers. I agree.
I also think it’s time working women (and we all work) need to support each other.
Samantha your post makes me anxious and sad. Your life, as you describe it, sounds so stressful. What do you think young women who haven’t had kids yet will think when they read your post? Who would want to be a working mom if this is all there is?
I blogged about it here: http://womenandwork.org/2009/06/19/this-blog-post-is-enough-to-stop-women-from-having-kids/
Morra
Hi Sam,
I am SO late to this party and quite frankly I don’t even want to comment on the content of your post because I have never worked from home: I work full time out of the home but have a short commute, lost of time off, flexible employers and a great, affordable daycare option. (don’t hate me)
I DO want to give you a massive hug for having the guts to write an honest post that you knew would be unpopular for many. I have done this in the past and been beaten up for it and it has made me question whether I have the stomach to go against the grain and whether there is really room in the mommy-blogging community for people who do.
Thank for restoring my faith that there is – I’m buying you a big drink at BlogHer.
Well, I for one love both of you gals for precisely this reason. Of course, I also lose readers on a weekly basis for daring to dissent.
Also, I second that.
YES!!!!!! And the whole “momservation” is dumb. I never watch them and I never will.
This is the first time I’ve visited your blog (thanks to the links to this post all over the Internet), so I want to be careful not to jump to conclusions out of context. I have been a WOHM and a WAHM, but not at the same time, and I think that’s an important distinction. I’ve found being a WAHM to be infinitely more stressful, and I’d say that even on a good day. The main question I have after reading this (forgive me if this has already been addressed), is whether your experiences (and, therefore, this post) could be based largely on the fact that you’re doing both gigs simultaneously. If you can’t leave your office job at the office and are up until 1am for freelance clients, isn’t the combined stress completely different from being either a WAHM or a WOHM?
Whew! This discussion sure is getting heavy… and perhaps, in many cases, a bit off-topic. I haven’t read through ALL of the comments, but it’s clear that Sam isn’t talking about stay at home moms, so don’t get your panties in a bunch, hmm? I think it’s also clear that this is a bit of a vent – a reaction to something that hurt her, rather than a calculated attack against working mommies everywhere.
Anywho, in my opinion… I agree with a lot of her points. Bottom line? Working out of the home has a huge set of unique challenges, and while working at home is difficult, I would give anything for that opportunity, because it would give me the chance to SEE MY CHILDREN, to love on them and watch them and not miss all the milestones. It would give me a chance to influence their lives a little more. It would give me some flexibility and freedom, which at even the most family-friendly workplace, you simply do not have.
It’s halfway through the year and I just burned through all my sick time with a surgery. It sucks, because every single time the kids are sick this year until December? I’ll take it unpaid. My husband doesn’t have the chance to take it off.
Unique challenges. Challenges that I, too, find way more difficult than the thought of staying at home, or working from home.
It’s not an attack on you. Or you. It’s simply our view.
fantastic! let’s trade places! Two weeks as a work at home mum earning peanuts until midnight and who HOME EDUCATES. Right now people in the UK are walking around with stun guns hunting us devils down.
Amen Sister.
I’m a WOHM four days a week, and (I feel priveledged to be able to be) a WAHM one day a week. Huge difference. Huge. I’m hanging onto my one work-at-home day with everything I have – if I have to go back to all five days in the office, my life will change dramatically.
Wow wow wow. I work full time outside the home as well and so far, only have one child but I don’t think I’m as stressed out as you are. I’m so sorry that you have to argue with your husband about whose turn it is to take time off… even though I can related a little bit.
Ok, so this is my first time ever commenting on something on the web. I have to say, I am a work at home mom. Yes, I have worked out of the home. I will say staying home is difficult, at least for me. You see, I have no medical benefits, no unemployment, no sick time, no vacation time. On top of that, I have to market myself, worry about clients who could sue if I don’t perform, worry about project deadlines and stay up all night if a project demands it.
I think it was cake working out of home, I had my office space, no yelling children, no husband bothering me when I brought in almost as much as him, even more at times. If I become severely ill, I don’t have the luxury of returning to work and making a paycheck immediately. I have to start from square one and find the clients over again.
Overall, I think any mother has it difficult. By the way, I have been attending school for another degree while being a mother, wife and entrepreneur. I refuse to put down any mother and realize in the end we all have it tough. (Dads too!)
The way I see it, we all decided to have children (or maybe not), but they are here and we all need to stop complaining and realize bills have to be paid and work to be done.
Why does everyone assume that a WAHM is a freelancer/designer? I am a sr.computer consultant/PM who gets to work from home and put in close to 10-11 hrs on average working day. It is more common for my neighbour who is a WOHM to spend more hrs with her daughter than me on any given day.
I do agree that i have no traffic worries, but i do worry if the nanny will come in on time before that 8 am conference call of mine and working on yet another client document at 8pm in the night when my son is not feeling real well.
Every situation is different and i guess sweeping generalizations are akin to stereotypes. I know of a number of family friends (WOHM) who have definite start and stop times for their work days, and while they envy my WAHM status , i remind them that i have no fixed start and stop time and my company is just being slightly flexible to get more mileage for them.
For a change let’s all work to see how companies can be more family friendly and flexible instead of worrying whether the WAHM/WOHM is worse off.
I know it’s not easy having a job that takes us from our family, but please, let’s not pretend that they’re the same thing.
I just stumbled onto this website by accident and thought I’d leave my 2 pennies worth.
Let me give MY side of the story. I have worked outside of the home since the dinosaurs roamed the earth practically. Worked outside of the home while raising child(ren) also just like most of you.
But, as of the last 3 yrs, I’ve decided to stay home. Just to clarify though, I Do run a small business from my home, but don’t drive somewhere to get to the office, no. I also attend college and… guess what else I do during MY day? I take care of my 3 children, one of which is a 4 yr old autistic boy without speech, still in diapers and with very few self help skills. I have the normal everyday responsibilities that any mother would have, topped off with daily drives to speech therapy, OT, etc etc.
Then there is my 5 yr old daughter that is highly ADHD.
Shall I go on?
But why the comparisons anyway?
Who cares who has done this or that the most.
Just live your own life and get on with it for crying out loud.
By the way, I agree with the person above that said it would be like cake working out of the home.
While I Was working away from my home, I’d often feel as if I was on vacation. As my coworkers would have an obvious look of stress on their faces from their work day, I was feeling as if I was on vacation!
I’m done. I’ll go back to being a lazy stay at home mom now.
*sarcasm implied*
Not sure how I happened upon this site; suppose it was a Twitter link. It’s a bit depressing to see comparisons made between the Moms who go out of the home to work and those who stay home to work. I think it comical/sad/disturbing after 20 years that I again feel the need to ascertain that I have a ‘real’ job because I work from a home office.
So, while I hear your lament about having to get up early and get the kids to school or daycare; there is also the benefit of having your work day end; having a paycheck at the end of a pay period, having insurance paid for and vacation time accrued.
For every person who thinks I’m lucky to own my own business and work from home, I would like to remind them that in this tough economic time, I’m just a moment away from disaster. I haven’t had a vacation in 7 years and my workday begins typically at 6am and if the job warrants and the clients are there, often doesn’t end til 8pm or after. My health insurance premium is $445/month and I haven’t been sick for more years than I can remember. Vacation means staying tethered to a computer and phone and paying more than I want to someone to try to hold down the fort so I just don’t bother. It also means working hard enough to pay for a mortgage, utilities, car payments, kids and now, the 2nd child in college.
I would say, how dare anyone write or send a message that this gargantuan effort is not as hard as anyone else’s? As the previous writer said, what is this discourse about? I’m better than you or vice versa?
I would have thought by now that all women would band together with a measure or respect for each other that no matter the circumstances, most of us work too hard for too little…money or respect. When my daughter said, not too long ago, that she was glad she didn’t have to deal with the issues feminists fought for I just about had a heart attack! If you think we are close to having true equality, think again.
If women want to infight about this issue they are avoiding the bigger picture. We all need to stand strong for the issues that affect us all and not waste our energy on this silly discourse; there is no argument or just one experience that can settle something that is so dependent on time, economic situation, personality, intelligence, dedication, etc.
I’ve been a stay at home mom and worked hard; room mother, brownie leader, soccer coach – so I helped all of you working moms with YOUR kids while I luxuriated in that role I guess.
I’ve been a single working mom and got up and got the kids off early, worked all day and came home to more work at night raising a family by myself.
And, I’ve been a mom with a business at home, working long hours to satisfy the demands of both clients and children, often at the same time.
I don’t watch Ellen during the day or have a clue about soap operas, I have a real job with a real time frame that needs to be attentive to the hours associated with clients, so there’s no yard work or housekeeping or coffees with neighbors during the day.
In fact, there are no coffee or lunch breaks either, drat! Well, unless you count maybe 5 minutes eating a sandwich over the kitchen sink!
That silly job often requires I put time in over the weekend too and I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve had a few too many 80+ hour workweeks.
So, also time for me to get away from this post and get back to being ‘just’ a stay at home mom (both sarcasm implied and teeth gritting!)…and finish the work I need to get done today (Sunday) so I can take it easy tomorrow at my job!
So here’s the thing.
I “work” from home.
But my kid gets invited over to friends houses, I can ask for help when I really need it. And I do, I’m not ashamed that there’s times that I need help and my kid needs a break from me.
But when you work out of the home you don’t get a break without jeopardizing your work life, as you well know.
My mom was single and worked her ass of, I never envied her one bit, but I always did (and still do) admire her.
Amen. The guilt alone is something WAHMs can’t even begin to fathom. (And no, not all WOHMs have the choice to be a WAHM. Not by a long shot.) WOHMs have so very many people to please, so many more logistical problems than WAHMs, so many fewer options when the fit hits the shan (when a child is sick, or when a sitter doesn’t show, or when daycare is closed for a snowday). WOHMs don’t get to go to the school play, we don’t get to homeschool our kids, we don’t get the flexibility of working around what we need to work around. No, being a WAHM, hard as it is, just doesn’t compare. Being a WOHM is being in a constant state of terror–a shoe could drop at any time.
It’s called VENTING. Quite often it’s what people use their blogs for.
Don’t like it? Simple. Don’t read it.
But crying in frustration over something someone wrote on their personal blog? If you feel that strongly about it, write your own post in rebuttal
How about stepping back and going “Wow, that was a really strong reaction she had to a video post. I wonder what made her react like that?” and perhaps reaching out to her? Because, yeah, coming on here and slamming Sam for voicing her opinion makes everything sooooo much better.
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