I consider myself a good friend. I mean, I’m not the greatest friend; I slip up once and a while as I’m sure many do. I don’t return phone calls, I have been known to bail on gatherings or functions. I’ve been weeks late visiting a friend’s new baby. No matter my personal flaws (of procrastination and down-right laziness), I am a very passionate friend. I put my whole self into a relationship but – I’m naive to expect the same back.
No matter how many times I remind myself to try and be a little more guarded, I fail.
I am fiercely loyal to those I feel comfortable with and have shown some loyalty in return.
I sometimes misconstrue politeness and friendliness to mean more than they do. I believe people to be genuine more often than not. I am time and again faulted for giving others the benefit of the doubt too often.
I have been hurt many, many times and still haven’t learned a lesson.
The more I think about the correlation between loyalty and genuineness the more I realize how wrong I’ve been; because people can be loyal – and genuinely mean-spirited.
In grade three I moved to a new school. I made some wonderful friends there but ended up moving because of my mom’s work. That’s when I started grade four at a new school. After that torturous fourth grade school year we moved back to our previous neighbourhood where I returned to the friends I had made. They welcomed me back with open arms and for the most part, we’ve remained friends to this day.
But there was a time where we clashed.
There was a time when a group of us pitted each other against another friend.
There were times we would tell stories which were sworn to secrecy.
We would rag on each other behind closed doors, only to be friendly and polite to their faces.
Then, it was my turn to be the one they turned on.
I knew first hand the pain that it had caused from my experience in grade four, but conveniently forgot because that’s what kids do.
I knew the pain and when it reared its ugly head again I wasn’t prepared.
Grade eight was absolutely the most painful time in my life to-date. I vowed to myself to never, ever make someone feel as I had then. Not ever.
The scars I bear from those days are strikingly evident when I feel as though I’ve been wronged. When I feel as though I’ve being dragged back into those circles of viciousness and callous hate I completely shut down. I cry easily, and I take everything to heart.
I become my thirteen-year-old self all over again.
I feel bad for her.
I want to hold her and tell her that it’s not her doing.
I want to sweep her bangs from her eyes while I tell her that not everyone is your friend – and that’s okay.
But – whether they are your friend or not, no one has the right to make you question your self-worth.
No one.
“Self-worth comes from one thing — thinking that you are worthy.” – Wayne Dyer
avasmommy says:
Oh Sam,
So much of this post could have been written by me. The big difference is I have a hard time letting anyone in anymore.
You continue to give and be open. I admire you for that.
You are awesome.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Karen says:
Creepy. I had almost the same experiences. Like almost EXACTLY. Only thing missing is the move back to the neighbourhood I missed. Guess the same experiences might have found me regardless of where I was – young girls can be evil.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Kellee says:
I think we have all been there at some point. Kids, especially girls, can be cruel. Unfortunately, some people never grow out of it as they get older. People that try to find their own self-worth by making you question yours. *hug*
June 18th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
I love you. That is all.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
WM says:
Uggh, while I can generally say my childhood was good. There was this time in 7th grade that was just horrible. Young girls and young boys can be evil.
I’ve tucked most of it away because in an instant I’ll feel like that little scared girl again. Hmmm…maybe I’ll write about it too. Maybe that will take away some of it’s power to continue to to hurt me. Who knows.
All that said. I get it. And thank you for writing honestly. I’ve come to love and expect that from you.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Lisa says:
Wow, Sam. Good for you for writing this. I had a similar experience in Eleventh Grade. I will never forget the pain and loneliness of that time.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
MG @ MommyGeekology says:
hugs.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
katie ~ motherbumper says:
“I am a very passionate friend. I put my whole self into a relationship but – I’m naive to expect the same back. No matter how many times I remind myself to try and be a little more guarded, I fail.”
I get those words too well and even to this day – long past the school years – I’ve re-experienced it time and time again.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Debby Pucci says:
I have always hated the stuff that happens to kids at school. It has happend to both my kids, my son in grade school and my daughter in high school. The high school stuff really damaged her. It happened near the end of senior year and it has stayed with her. I know I am their mother, but let me tell you that my kids are cute & handsome! I heard a doctor once say that if kids could just skip past HS and go right to college it would be better for them. So many kids kill themselves in that age group and it is usually because of other kids who are mean to them. I think as parents we really have to teach our kids how much damage can be done when you are mean to others. Son is 30 & my daughter is 28. YOUR ARE WORTHY!
June 18th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
melissa says:
little girls can be evil, it’s so sad. Shit, adults can be too!!!.
I think we’ve all lived through this pain at one point in our lives, but I thank you for being honest and sharing it with us. Makes me want to hug 13 year old Sam too.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Creepy Mommy says:
Wow. I think that school, in general, is rough for girls. I was always and outsider, maybe I still am, getting picked on by the more popular girls. Made to feel bad about myself. It took a really long time to realize those that treat you badly, feel bad about themselves. I never look outward to validate my self-worth now. It’s hard and sometimes I struggle, but I try to remember that I am a good person.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Miss Britt says:
It would make me very said if you ever remembered to be more guarded.
It sucks to be the open one sometimes. I know. It sucks to be vulnerable because being vulnerable means being the one who gets hurt.
But the world needs more of your openness and vulnerability, Sam. It really, truly does.
samantha Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
*hugs* I am so grateful to have a friend like you.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Sticky says:
I wish it were just kids who were mean like that. i never understood how making someone feel badly could make someone fell good about themselves.
Love you sweetie!
June 18th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
S says:
I read but rarely comment. I loved this post. I would only disagree with Wayne Dyers and say that not just THINKING that one is worthy.. but KNOWING that one is worthy. Just because. It is our birthright!
That is so easy to say, but not so easy to live..especially if you are like me and have had instances where someone had nearly convinced you that there was no worthiness there.
Anyway.. Love the post.
It is amazing to me that we are all (meaning a lot of humans) working on the same things on the inside.
samantha Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
You’re right. It should be KNOWING. We should all KNOW that we’re worthy.
xox
June 18th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
flutter says:
Sam, you are beyond a good friend. Your heart is just huge.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
maggie, dammit says:
Ohhhhhh, honey.
June 19th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Mrs. Schmitty says:
I feel your pain sweetie. I seem to have a tendency to attract the ones I THINK are friends…only to be disappointed. I have become guarded and it takes a lot for me to trust.
Hugs to you honey!
June 19th, 2009 at 8:06 am
ali says:
this is what I know, Sam.
you are a GREAT friend…who else would upgrade me to WP 2.8 without even telling me?!?!
smooches to you!
samantha Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Bwahahaha! You’re hilarious! xoxox
June 19th, 2009 at 10:55 am
heather... says:
You are one of the greatest, and I am so thankful I have you in my life.
samantha Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
You – my mamaspohr – instill a love for life like no other. You are inspirational, loving and so down to earth. I am grateful to know you, let alone be considered a great friend.
Thank you for everything.
Coco
June 20th, 2009 at 12:34 am
mrs chicken says:
I understand, Sam.
June 20th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Lotta says:
You are awesome and wonderful. Anyone fool enough not to realize that is just missing out. Or retarded.
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm