I hate age four.
We’re technically not there yet, so I hate age 3.8333333333…
We’ve reached the crossroads between independence and needing mommy for everything and it ain’t pretty people.
As of late, everything has been a fight. Questions and defiance all the time. It’s almost as if he’s mocking my authority, because seriously? Killing me.
This morning for instance: Carter kept insisting that today was Thursday not Wednesday. As much as I’d like him to be correct, he wasn’t. I attempted to tell him that today was in fact Wednesday, not Thursday to which he continued to insist that today was THURSDAY as if that would make it THURSDAY. I tried valiantly to ignore the constant But today’s Thursday Mommy. It’s Thursday, not Wednesday. Mommy, it’s Thursday right? Today’s Thursday.
Then tears started (his not mine -yet) and I gave up. I just let him go on believing that today is Thursday.
Choose your battles people, and choose them WISELY.
I never thought I would be a spanker, a yell-er or so frustrated with a child. I think I’m a relatively patient person, but this kid? Carter’s trying every ounce of control I have. Time outs are futile. He’ll sit there talking and fidgeting; I start the clock over each time until he sits there quietly and waits out his punishment but he’s sometimes so disobedient and difficult to the point where I end up yelling. He cries, I yell and everyone’s just pissed off at the world.
I’ve become That Yelly Mom.
You know That Yelly Mom. The one that can be heard from the road screaming at her kids while all the windows are open? The one that you wrinkle your nose at and think “She doesn’t need to talk to her kids like that,” or “Holy shit lady. Calm down.” Okay, so maybe not to that extent, but yes. That’s me.
I hate it.
I despise it.
Before I realize that I’ve done it, it’s too late.
I ask and ask and then yell when he doesn’t listen; and before I realize that I’ve turned into That Parent I never wanted to be.
There has been no spanking to-date; I’ve resisted the urge so many times resorting to taking away privileges, time outs or early bed. Sometimes they work and sometimes it all just seems like a wasted effort.
So then I yell.
I know it’s a normal stage of development for a child to find and exert their independence, but it’s a stage that I am finding I don’t handle very well. With the combined whining from Hudson, who is also at a stage where he’s developing some semblance of independence, my patience are at an all time low. The stock I once had in my ability to parent effectively is about as deflated as the US housing market.
I just don’t know how to get through the next 12 months without having a constant and unforgiving battle of wills with a four year old child and not be admitted into a 12-step program in the end.
Lotta says:
Oh yes. I know that well. But for some reason my son is having his terrible 3s at age 6.5!!
June 24th, 2009 at 9:25 am
mrs chicken says:
Four is hard. 4.5 is SUPER hard. But it also has a lot of joys. You’ll be amazed at how different he is in just a few short months. New problems? Yes. But also new wonderful amazing things, too. Hang in.
June 24th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Bec says:
Erin’s only two, but she laughs at me! It’s not an issue of her not understanding what I want her to do because all DH has to do is look at her and she does exactly what I’ve been trying to get her to do.
She’s dwo so she can do everything herself, especially the things she cant do. Then there’s the screaming and crying because it turns out she really can’t do that thing that she can’t do.
You know, I remember a time when I didn’t have to repeat myself ten thousand times a day. Only vaguely, but it’s there lodged in the back of my mind.
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I don’t remember it. Since I’ve been in a relationship I’ve had to repeat myself about a million times and even then things go in one ear and out the other.
Sometimes I think I should have been a lesbian. LOL
June 24th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Vic says:
Having just finished four, trusts me when I say enter the 12-step prog now and you might just come out alive at the end!
June 24th, 2009 at 10:02 am
pgoodness says:
What’s my kid doing over at your house???
My 3.almost4 year old has become exactly the same way over the past couple of months. Trying to be big, but still so little, and somehow knows how to push every button of mine. And the arguments when they are clearly wrong?? Seriously? WHAT IS THAT?? Makes me want to curl up in fetal position with hands over my ears and cry!!
I know all too well about being Yelly Mom, too. I try to catch myself, but sometimes, well, it’s the only way for them to hear me!
You’re so not alone. I wish you were – LOL !! We’ll figure it out and then start complaining about the next stage, but at least we’re not alone.
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
The arguments over something they are clearly wrong about makes me bat shit insane. I don’t understand the child logic of trying desperately to change my mind to believing that something is clearly not what it is.
Why argue over colours, days of the week and whether or not your damn shoes are on the right feet or not?!?
Dave Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
My sone is TWO and argues about the EXACT same things. I’m not convinced yet that he understands the days of the week, so I let that slide. But the shoe thing, and colours? Oh yeah.
Ultimately, I don’t go past two suggestions that he’s wrong. He gets stubbornness from both side of the family, so I don’t argue about it.
June 24th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Marylin says:
/signed.
I could have written all that myself. At least we’re not alone, right?
June 24th, 2009 at 10:17 am
ali says:
I’m a yeller too.
my mom was a yeller. It takes everything in my power NOT to raise my voice as a first response to frustration with my kids. Sometimes I leave the room and count to ten…sometimes it works. sometimes I yell, and then feel like a total asshole.
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Dude. Me too. Totally feel like an asshole. Especially when he covers his ears and tells me I’m too loud. Ugh.
My mom was a yeller too. We’re a loud family on a good day so yelling days are REALLY loud. I blame my Hungarian heritage. LOL
June 24th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Emma says:
Dude. You are heard. I too am living the nightmare (mine is 3.49 years old). This will pass, right? Right?
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Pass the wine, my friend. We’re in for the long haul. LOL
June 24th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Laural says:
Age 4 is rough. Age 5 really is much better.
Really, it amazes me everyday how much Matt changed in the last year.
But … go out and buy the book “The Explosive Child”. I’ll warn you that it’s focused on kids with special needs (and I’m not implying Carter is special needs), but really, the way they approach parenting and dealing with kids who are driving you crazy is AMAZING.
(also, it’s the book that the school board gets all their discipline methods from, and if you’ve read it and implemented some of the stuff, I sware JK will be much easier).
There is a reason it’s called the “fucking fours”.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
april in nj says:
Oh MY Lord! I thought I was the only parent going through the almost-4-years-old hell! My daughter will be 4 next month and I too have become Yelly Mom and the Parent I never thought I’d be. I’ve seriously considered counselling (for me, not her) because I thought there was something wrong with ME for how I feel and handle things sometimes. This makes me feel great that apparently I’m not the only one. Thank you thank you thank you!
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
You’re NOT alone. Not by a long shot. I don’t know how I’m going to handle 4 when 3.833333 is a NIGHTMARE.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
I hate years 2 & 3. But during Anna’s 4th birthday week, she became a totally different kid.
Like, *poof* – a different kid.
I LOVE 4 – I just hope Claire gets that memo b/c she sounds like Carter. Lawdy help us.
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Here’s to a happy and GREAT 4th birthday week.
Otherwise, I blame you for getting my hopes up.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
I find 3 and 4 the hardest too. I read somewhere recently that no one is good with every age – we all have our faves. I know my Granny loves babies, and I love Dylan’s age right now, and I’m starting to enjoy Thomas more now that we are curbing whining with a sticker + reward calendar (every day w/o whining earns a sticker & 5 stickers earns a treat like Webkinz or something – believe me it takes more than 5 days to get to 5 stickers…lol!)
Gone are the baby days around here and I’m totally fine with that! Babies = work + (no sleep – sex) x stress to the power of infinity.
Sorry for writing a novel in your comments…hang in there Mama. I just kept trying different tactics and I’ll admit most of them didn’t work for long tho stickers worked for potty training & are working for the no whining thing. So hit the LCBO and hang on for the long ride to age 5!
June 24th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Debby Pucci says:
I know you know this and I know you don’t want to hear this but………… it’s just the beginning.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy says:
Age 4 with Allie has been equally as difficult as the other ages but in a different way. I feel like I can tell her something about both of our ears bleed and she will still keep doing it. It is very, very frustrating.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Jodee says:
OH my goodness sounds like your child and my child were separated at birth. I swear I am that yelly mom too and I hate it. Mason is 3 1/2 and he questions everything. Or he will say ” mommy you don’t know”" ahhh and nosy I have never heard a kid so nosy. “mommy who are you talking to why are you talking to them?” etc. I want to pull my hair out sometimes.
Sigh I want to enjoy this age with him and I do but sometimes it’s very very hard. I understand…
June 24th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Lynn says:
Sometimes I question the wisdom of teaching kids how to talk.
June 24th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Al_Pal says:
Rough. Best wishes!
June 24th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
annie says:
Wait till he’s 16….
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
HAHAHAHA! Guess I can count my blessings that I don’t have a teenage girl too, right?
June 24th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
punkinmama says:
Oh my, I could have so written this post… except it wouldn’t have been as well written.
Just a couple of weeks ago I tweeted about being “That Mom” because I yelled so loud that I swear all the neighbors were ready to call CPS. It’s ridiculous. I never wanted to be a Yelly mom. I’ve scoffed when others have done it in a store or wherever… ah the days when I used to think it couldn’t be “that hard”. Ha.
Anyway, I guess I write this to say… you’re not alone. Unfortunately, our kids are at that stage… although Punkin is not quite 3, so I’m afraid, very afraid, that this could go on for quite awhile. Maybe he’s just going through it early? Yeah, I’ll keep telling myself that.
The positive thing for me, is that he seems to have “snapped out of it” a little and has gotten much better the last week or so. I’m sure it will rear its ugly head again soon, but at least it makes me realize these things don’t go on forever.
Good luck!
June 24th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Kellee says:
I don’t know how you guys do it. The pressure you are under as a parent it tremendous. I think you are doing well.
June 24th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
kittenpie says:
Yeah, that’s been years 3, 4, and some of 5 for me… I’ve yelled a lot during some stretches, which I hate, and then it will get better for a bit, back and forth. And yes, those arguments where they are insisting that black is white? Crazy-making. I have just started saying, “I am not having this argument with you. This is a ridiculous argument.” and walking away from it. What else can you do?
June 24th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Wendy says:
I’m a yeller. I hate it! I don’t want to do it, but sometimes with all three kids just going crazy and no one listening I just lose my cool. I’ve even been a screamer on occasion.
Noah is almost 7 and I’m still dealing with it from him. He’s defiant, loves to pick. He’s even admitted that it’s funny to make me mad. UGH!
This is what I know (and can’t always remember!)… Yelling doesn’t help. It really just makes it worse. When you find that you’ve been yelling a lot can you try to spend a little individual time with him? Sometimes it’s just that they need attention.
June 24th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
flutter says:
ooof, babe. I just wish I could hug you
June 25th, 2009 at 12:19 am
melissa says:
This is a sucky stage because it makes you question your mothering. I think everyone is a YELLER at one point. It’s even better when you’ve just got done arguing with your kids when your on your way out and you get the STANK EYE from your neighbor. 4 was my favorite age now that I look back..lots of “personality” there. Give it a couple months.
Honestly, I’m going through it again with my 9 year old. It’s a rollercoaster, HANG OUT TIGHT.
This is when I look at my 8 month old and appreciate that she can’t talk yet….
HUGS
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Oh I’m SURE my neighbours have talked about me and my yelling. LOL Not that they’d say anything because they’d likely get an ear full from me.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Theresa says:
Four is a tough age. Four is a tough number too, since I have 4 kids and twins who went through that stage simulataneously. It does get better…right around the time you get to wave goodbye to them on the school bus as they go off to kindergarten.
I’ve always admit I yell. Better than spanking, I tell myself. Never spanked, thanks to an abusive childhood but way off track.
A trick I learned was to lock myself into the bathroom and count to 10, or, um, maybe 100, step out and find a way to distract my lovely child. Has a 50% success rate, but better than nothing.
Looking back, I would gladly to thru all of that again than be raising teenagers. Count your blessings now.
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Can I lock myself in the bathroom with a
bottleglass of wine?Theresa Reply:
June 26th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Um…I have.
June 25th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
WM says:
We still have issues and my kids are 6 and these kids are smart too. I have to remind myself that I’m dealing with 6 year olds and not and adult and not go tit for tat with them.
The best advice I heard was to give yourself a time out when you’re at that point. Sometimes I just gotta walk out before I become of those beating mamas . When I’ve calmed down in a few moments then I can hopefully deal with the situation calmly.
But its hard. I know. It’s hard.
I’ve heard having a
bottleglass of wine helps too.June 25th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Gina says:
Yep – 3 and 4 and – lord help me – even 5 are very hard. And I am the yelly mom, too. I hate it, but I am. But I am going to go right ahead and forgive myself for it, because even though I am the yelly mom, I know that I am a good mom, too.
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
You’re right Gina! You’re absolutely right because no matter how much yelling we do – it could be worse… thanks for that!
June 25th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins says:
A friend and I not long ago joked that it the “terrible twos” were nothing compared to the “piece of shit a-hole fours”. Yeah, that *sounds* horrible, but dude, you probably know what I mean…
samantha Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Bwahahahaha! YES. I. know.
I call them “The Fucking Fours”.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Atom Heart Father says:
I say spank. Yes, it’s a form of discipline that can be abused, but the abuse of a thing does not destroy its right use.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
moosh in indy. says:
duct tape.
heh.
I can be yelly mom too.
little kids are forgiving and resilient and capable of unconditional love for a reason.
As long as we don’t become complacent with being yelly mom, then we’re miles (kilometers?) ahead of true yelly moms.
June 25th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Diana says:
Count me in on this club. I’m a yeller. My mom is a yeller. My whole family is just straight up louder than fuck at all times. We’re German. I think that explains it. And then I’m half Native American, Cherokee or some shit. Add the yelling to the crazy native american temper (at least that’s where they say I get it – they being my mother, heh) and you have me. Bad Mom. But seriously. It could be MUCH, MUCH worse.
And if it’s any consolation I have a four and a half year old and she’s finally coming out of it. I’ve actually been a bit pleased with her lately. She still has her days. We still have our days. But overall, improvement has been happening. And this is a kid who literally NOTHING got through to before. I once emptied her room of all her belongings. Her response: “It’s OK mom. I didn’t really want all those stuffs, anyway.” What the fuck do you say to that?
And now I’d better end this novel before it quickly ends up longer than the original post.
Hang in there.
June 25th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Beauty, the Blogging Dog says:
I hear ya! Been there, and still doing it. I thought before that I totally damaged my daughter’s self-esteem when I screamed at her lotsa-lotsa times when she hit the terrible two’s or whenever we have a battle of wills. She’s 7 now and she’s a well-adjusted achiever, so the point is, don’t feel bad. We as moms are just perfectly normal human beings reacting with yells when kids don’t cooperate as we wish them to do, not perfect like God who can always deal with compassion. Kids are resilient and there’ll come a point in time when you can talk to them rationally (say ages 5.66 and above), and you can threaten them to listen or else you’ll scream (most often than not, they’ll choose to cooperate rather than being screamed at).
June 25th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Haley-O says:
Omg, I am in the SAME BOAT. It’s AWFUL. AW. FUL. Monkey will be 4 at the end of July.
3, and even 2, were a walk in the park compared to this. I’m THIS close to buying a parenting book. Because AT WITS END.
I’ve been wanting to write about my “4″ trials, but other things keep coming up. I’ve also been hoping this will subside, but it keeps getting worse….
June 25th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Boy Crazy says:
One thing to keep in mind is that there is a difference in yelling to them and yelling at them. I yell all the time. More than I’d like. But I am yelling things like “I’M GOING ABSOLUTELY CRAZY AND YOU NEED TO STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER OR I WILL GO COMPLETELY INSANE” rather than “YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT BLAH BLAH ETC BLAH”. I think there’s a difference. Just think of it as volume.
I also come from a long line of yellers. I’d like to break the mold, but it is hard. Those of us who are expressive people tend to yell when we get worked up. I have learned to accept the difference I mentioned, and at the same time I’m trying to yell less.
It’s a shame our neighbors’ don’t hear us when we’re being nice parents.
June 26th, 2009 at 12:44 am
Country-Fried Mama says:
All of this scares the hell out of me, because my formerly sweet angel is only three. She and I had a 10-minute argument this afternoon about whether a picture of a kitty cat in her book was or was not actually a dog. Ridiculous.
I have never been a yeller, but I am finding myself grateful that all my neighbors are sealed into their air-conditioned homes…no open windows when it’s 95 degrees.
June 26th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Cara says:
(Ali @ mylifewiththem) sent me here.
I totally relate to the yelling. My 2yo must have been born with built-in ear plugs. Couple that with stubbornness like no other & a 9mo who also needs my constant attention, mix in a little separation anxiety, add a dash of I can do it meseeeeeffff, & the yelling seems to come more easily than I’d like. I’ve been told that I might want to ask my doctor to put me in a coma til she’s 5 so I can skip through the rest of these “I can’t hear you” days. And I second the poster above…thank goodness my neighbors keep their windows closed (and are at work all day).
June 26th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
jodifur says:
Yes, yes, yes. Everyone told me 4 was better and they lied, lied, lied. 4 is terrible. 2 and 3 were better. He is the worst behaved he has ever been and I am done.
Sorry for the rant on your blog.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Kristen says:
My kids went to Grandma and Grandpas for a week. It was just me and my 2 month old at home and I was so pleased with how calm I felt all week. I didn’t have to raise my voice once.
I vowed on the day I went to pick the 3 up that the yelling would stop. Then, my 3 year old walked in the door and it went right out the window and I became the Yelly mommy. She did everything she could to push my buttons and then her cry… OMG this child has the loudest most annoying cry ever. I love her dearly, I really do, but I can TOTALLY relate to what you wrote here!
July 16th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Deidra says:
Go ahead and yell. Children easily forgive and they instinctively know you are blowing off steam. Big Point: I apologize every night to my kids when I tuck them in and explain why Mommy goes crazy some(most)times. My kids are now 7, 9, and 11. When they were 0, 2, 4…(shudder)… I wanted to cry all the time. How I survived: TAKE THEM TO THE PLAYGROUND every day between the hours of 4:00 – 5:30 p.m. Rain or snow – who cares. Those are the witching hours and will drive you bonkers if you are inside with THEM. Second point: Have pancakes for dinner…!
August 7th, 2009 at 2:43 pm