I’ve failed.
I’ve failed my child.
I see the words, and before I can finish typing them, I feverishly delete as the lump builds in my throat and as I think about the notion of googlebots and searchers finding this site with those words and I just can’t bring myself to include them.
I can’t even fathom their truth. I can’t comprehend.
As a parent, we do our very best to protect our children. We try our damnedest to keep them from compromising situations, and hope that what we’ve done is enough to protect their innocence.
My dear beautiful 3 year old son has been – over the last month, in the care of someone I thought I trusted. Someone I felt comfortable with. Someone who has allegedly taken advantage of our trust as parents and allegedly committed a crime against a child under their care.
Someone whom my child has been alone with on many occasions.
I want to believe that these allegations are false. I pray for my son, for this person, that this situation is no more than a tale from a confused child, a misunderstanding.
There has been an investigation, charges have been laid. My hopes for a misunderstanding are fleeting.
I don’t know what to do at this point.
I feel sick.
I feel confused.
I feel sad.
I am lost.
We’ve discussed the situation with Carter and he’s pretty adamant that nothing’s happened to him. I can’t really say much more at this point because I just don’t know what there is to say.
I am in shock.
I have failed to protect my child.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
Sam –
You have in NO WAY failed Carter. I know you. I know you would never ever do anything that would put him in harm’s way. Ever. IF anything DID happen, it’s not your fault or Carter’s fault. You can work through this together. You WILL work through this.
I don’t pray, but I hope upon hope that everything gets worked out and the other child was confused and protected.
I can’t imagine your feelings now. I just hope I and all of your other friends can help you get through this.
I truly love you, and I’m here for you.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
You’re truly a great friend Miss Angie. Thank you.
Elizabeth Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Please do not blame yourself! A trusted babysitter (background check, good references) shook our darling 4 month old little boy back in December, arrests were made, charges filed. My son had brain surgery and was hospitalized for three weeks. You had no way of knowing, believe me, I have beat myself up for 7 months now. My son has made a miraculous recovery (NO problems, as of yet, he is a happy healthy 11 month old so far) but it still hurts to think I left my child with this person, and I know what you are going through. So glad that your son is okay. God bless you.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
pgoodness says:
Everything that Angie said, I agree with 100%. And the thought of having to go through this makes me want to throw up. Hang in there…we’re here if you need us. But you did not fail. No way.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
It’s hard not to think that in some way I could have prevented this.
Thank you for your support!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Melisa with one S says:
You did not fail. You trusted, and if allegations are true (God, I hope not), you were failed by another.
You’re in my thoughts.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Thanks for your thoughts. I am truly hoping that this will blow over and there’s nothing to worry about. But! Now that it’s come to the forefront I don’t know that I will ever NOT be able to think about it, yanno?
July 28th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Maria says:
Angie said it all.
xoxo
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
*hugs* thanks friend.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
ali (adil320) says:
Oh Sam, you just can’t always know. I pray that nothing happaned to ANY child, but I especially hope that your child has escaped this situation unharmed.
You can’t beat yourself up, though I know it’s impossible not to. You are a GREAT mom, and CARING mom, and a protective mama bear who would do anything to protect them. You just can’t always know. You can’t.
I lurves you!
ali
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Thank you Ali! You’re right. It’s impossible NOT to beat myself up over it, I just hope it’s all for not and nothing’s happened.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Kristen says:
I don’t think anyone would say you’ve failed your son! I know how easy it is to blame yourself but like you said you trusted and thought you knew this person so you did everything right. I can’t imagine being in your situation. *hugs*
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Thank you Kristen! I don’t want anyone ever to have this feeling of guilt. Not ever.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
lettergirl says:
God bless you and your sweet Carter, and the family of the other child involved in the allegations. I pray for truth and justice to prevail in this. You have most certainly not failed. You have trusted, and the person you trusted has failed. My heart absolutely goes out to you.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Thank you! I worry for the other family that has brought this to light. I can’t even imagine being in THAT situation. This one’s more than enough for me.
xo
July 28th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Vixen says:
There is no possible way that you have failed in any way shape or form. Trust me. As the mother of 3 grown kids (one who was abused) and a survivor of child sexual abuse I thought I knew it all. That there was no possible way it could happen to my child. Yet it did. But it was NO FAULT of mine and there is NO way you failed at all. We can only be one person, the best person, but just one person. Human.
If you need someone to talk to, email me. We can chat or talk or whatever. But know that you are not to blame. In the end the only one to blame is the person who commits the crime. That is reality. We can’t stop it all.
Hugs and love to you and Carter.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
I appreciate your honesty. Thank you so very much for your support. xo
July 28th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
DesignHER Momma says:
You are not a failure. We cannot control other’s actions. You are a fantastic mom.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Thank you Miss Em.
You’re a wonderful friend.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
you didn’t fail sweetheart. i told you that on the phone. hopefully it’s a misunderstanding and if it isn’t, hopefully carter wasn’t affected.
i can’t even begin to imagine what you are feeling right now. wish i was there.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I wish you were here too. With Wownies.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Chibi Jeebs says:
Oh Sam.
I can’t say it any better than Angie did. You’re all in my thoughts and if there’s *anything* I can do, please don’t hesitate. Much love.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Thank you friend. Thank you so much.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Sarcastic Mom says:
Gosh, I’m so sorry, Sam. This is the kind of stuff that makes us painfully aware of our inability to control it all, to know it all. You did not fail your child. I know it’s easier for us to type those words than for you to believe them. But read these typed words anyway, and take them to heart. You’re a good mama. You didn’t fail him.
Will be thinking of you and willing the best of possible outcomes.
<3
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Thank you Lotus! I love you! xox
July 28th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Sam says:
Oh my God, Sam. I am so sorry for everything you’re going through right now, but don’t think you’ve failed Carter in any way. YOU did not fail.
You’re in my thoughts… hugs to you, my friend.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Your support means so much to us. Thank you Sam! xo
July 28th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Heather says:
I am so sorry. I will be praying for you, for Carter, and for the other children affected.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Thank you Heather! I worry more and more about the other child, the one whose parents had to notify people about this. I can’t even imagine.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Kim @ Beautiful Wreck says:
I do not believe that you have failed your child. You made the best decision for your child at the time with the knowledge that you had. I know you are just sick over what is going on but keep in mind that this person may not be guilty of what they are accused of. Now armed with the information you do have, you can protect your child and make better choices/change how you get childcare/etc.
Praying for you, your situation, and that you will have peace.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
You 110% right that this person may not be guilty. I pray they’re not and I worry about how this will affect them.
I don’t know that I could ever recover from such allegations if it were me.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
The Mother Tongue says:
Please, please don’t blame yourself for this. I used to work in juvenile court, and I can’t tell you how many times I heard people say that they never, in a million years, would have imagined that the accused could hurt a child like that. And sometimes they hadn’t. It’s very possible that nothing happened at all. But many times, when there were grounds to the allegations, everyone was shocked because the accused had hidden it so well.
Bottom line: Obviously parents should be cautious about who they leave their children with, but sometimes there’s just no way to know. And when you start to constantly second-guess, to worry that everyone is a potential child abuser, you start to lose your sanity. Please don’t beat yourself up over this.
Hoping this is a false alarm. *many, many hugs*
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I fear that I will forever now worry that no one is safe and ANYONE could be *that person*. According to the police and the CPS, our centre has taken every step available to prevent such an occurrence. It just makes it all the more difficult to be able to trust.
The Mother Tongue Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
You probably will feel that way from now on. But…it’s okay. It’s good to keep your eyes open.
It’s been eight years since I quit my job in juvenile court, and I still haven’t lost that visceral awareness of how the most normal-looking people can be monsters. But it’s faded from full-on panic to low-level suspicion. I’m okay with that; it keeps me sharp.
My heart aches for you–mostly for the horrible situation you’re going through, but also because you’re losing some of your faith in humanity.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
MrsMessiness says:
You are rescuing your son. You have listened to him and given him a voice. You believed him and you acted, immediately. You have rescued him.
You have not failed – you have acted as a good parent should.
My heart is with you and your baby tonight – hug and squeeze your baby when you start getting overwhelmed. I know this pain, and I am so so sorry that you are feeling it tonight.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I may have read your comment wrong, but as far as I am aware my child has not become a victim. As far as I know, he’s safe from harm and that there was only one instance involving another child.
But yes. I am talking to him and giving him the opportunity to speak up should he have something to say. I have listened, and will continue to listen.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Tara R. says:
When I was very young I stayed with a babysitter after school. I never liked her husband, NEVER. Years later he was accused and convicted of the most heinous of crimes. My parents, like you trusted this person. They didn’t fail me and you didn’t fail your child.
I can understand how you feel. The person in my past never hurt me, and I think you can believe your son when he says neither was he.
I hope the truth is found out and if guilty, this person is quickly brought to justice.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I just hope that the accusations are false and there is no need for justice. For all parties.
Thank you so much for your support! xo
July 28th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
ColetteNicole says:
You have absolutely not failed your child. You were failed by someone you trusted. There is nothing gained in beating yourself up over this. You are a good person and a good mom and you have nothing to worry about on that account. I pray that your son sails through this unscathed. Be strong for your son.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
kittenpie says:
You have NOT failed your child, Sam. Someone else has failed massively. But not you and not the parent of that other child, even if the allegations are terribly true. Every day as parents we take leaps of faith out of necessity so that we can live in this world and so that our children can, too. The fact that not everyone will live up to the faith we MUST place in them is sad and horrible, but not our fault as long as we have done everything we can to check out a situation. But everything we can does not let us read the thoughts of others, so their issues are NOT our failures. Hug your babe and be thankful he is sure he was not affected, but do not attack yourself on this.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Thank you KP. xo
It’s so hard not to feel as though I am part to blame for having put him there in that situation in the first place. As much as I *know* it’s not my fault, it’s hard not to feel otherwise.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Emma says:
Awful. Sorry. Hate this stuff. Don’t blame yourself, please – you do the best you can. We have to trust others and it really sucks when it doesn’t work.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
True dat! Totally sucks when you put your faith and trust in people and something like this happens. It’s not a position I wish on anyone!
July 28th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
flutter says:
this is NOT your failure. It is the failure of that sick person who would take advantage of a kid.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
*If* the allegations are true, then yes. Yes.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Avitable says:
Oh, Sam, I’m so sorry to hear about this. I hope that it’s a misunderstanding, but no matter what, it’s not your fault. Focus your energy on helping him now rather than beating yourself up for something that you couldn’t have predicted.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Thanks Adam. *hugs*
I can t help but feel partly to blame. I just can’t. I would like to believe that I couldn’t have predicted this and therefore can’t fault myself, but had I not put him in this situation … *sigh*
July 28th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
AmazingGreis says:
YOU have not failed your child. The person you trusted has failed YOU and your child. This can not be put on you. You are a good mother. You love your children, you do what’s best for your children. This is so sad and I hope that it gets cleared up.
Let me know if you need anything or if you just need to talk.
XOXO
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Thank you friend. Thank you for your support! xo
July 29th, 2009 at 12:07 am
The Tutugirl says:
This is NOT your fault. If its true, then you were taken advantage of, and that person failed all of you. I’m so sorry.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I truly hope that this is a misunderstanding.
Thank you!
July 29th, 2009 at 12:07 am
cindy w says:
Oh god. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Just know that this is in NO WAY whatsoever your fault. This other person failed YOU and your child, not the other way around. I’m just so, so sorry.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Thank you! xox
July 29th, 2009 at 12:40 am
Kay says:
You haven’t failed him. Someone you trusted failed YOU. You took action and began talking with your child as soon as you found out what was going on… and that’s the best thing you can do.
I know that no matter how many of us tell you that it’s not your fault, you’re going to have a hard time accepting that. Just know that there are many of us out here thinking of you and praying that your son was not affected in any way but what happened.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
That truly means a lot. Thank you Kay.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Lynn (Walking With Scissors) says:
The commenters above have said it all, so I will leave you with a heartfelt ((((hug)))).
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
The hugs are just as wonderful as the comments. THANK YOU!
July 29th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Whit says:
Holy cow, I’m sorry to hear this. Like everyone else said, no matter what you aren’t to blame. I feel your fear.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Thanks Whit.
The fear of the unknown, to me, is the scariest part. I just want answers, I want to know that my son hasn’t been affected. I want to know that this is all a misunderstanding.
I don’t know that I will get those answers.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:51 am
UrbanVox says:
Angie said it all… again…
Really not your fault!! You didn;t fail him, you were failed upon!
Don’t kick yourself because of it!
I wish there was something that I could say to take it all away…. but… all I can say is well… act on what you have now. THAT is not failing!
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Thank you friend! xo
July 29th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Vic says:
You are the last person in all of this to have failed.
You hear in the news of people in similar situations and what they all say is they never saw it coming, could never have imagined it being that person. There is no way you could’ve known, and nobody in their right mind would expect you to have.
Remember sugar, you’re doing the best for Carter. This is not your fault and in no way have you failed.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Thank you Vic. If the thought had even crossed my mind I can assure you my children would not have been there a second longer.
I just hope, hope that this is all a misunderstanding. *sigh*
July 29th, 2009 at 6:52 am
Lynn says:
This is devastating news…I’m thinking of you and your son.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Thank you Lynn. You taking the time to offer your support means a lot to us.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Sandra says:
You have not failed. You are in no way to blame for anything that might or might not have happened. I am so so so sorry for what you are going through and I am hoping that nothing happened to sweet Carter. He has a mama who loves him fiercely and that will get you all through this. Sending so much love and hugs to you all. xo
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Thank you Sandra! xo
July 29th, 2009 at 8:24 am
melissa/bostonmama79 says:
Oh Sam how could you have known? This is not your fault. You did not fail.
I’m so sorry, I hope that your son was not a victim. I’m so sorry I don’t even know what to say
HUGS Sam. SERIOUSLY BIG, HOLDING YOU TIGHT HUGS. I’M SO SORRY SWEETIE.
melissa
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
You’ve said more than enough my friend. Your support means so much to us. Thank you.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Lala says:
Sam:
I’ve been through this with my son. His best friend’s father was using his own son as a lure. How could I have known? How could you? Beating yourself up is normal but you’ve only failed as a parent if you fail to act on this and that’s not the case. There’s nothing I could have done short of doing background checks on everybody on earth so I stopped beating myself up and made sure my son was getting the help he needed. You will too.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Thank you! And even with background checks there’s no way to know for sure that nothing can / would / could happen. I’m learning that now.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:34 am
punkinmama says:
So sorry you and your son are going through this. How terrible. But like others have said, this is not your fault. You have not failed. How you handle it from here is what you can control. I can’t imagine having to deal with this – as no person should have to. Hang in there and know that you are surrounded by those who care. (((hugs)))
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Having all of you here offering support means more than I could ever tell you. Thank you!
July 29th, 2009 at 8:34 am
kgirl says:
You did not fail your child. You have found yourself in one of the most horrifying ‘what ifs’ imaginable, but it is not because you were not there for your son in some way.
Believe what he is saying – you know your child, so if you feel like his ‘no’ really is a no, believe it. If you are still worried, take him to talk to somebody that might be able to ask questions in a way that a mom can’t.
This is one of the scariest things imaginable, and I’m sorry that you and your family are going through it.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Thank you, and you’re right. This has to be one of the scariest things I’ve ever even contemplated.
And I don’t even know for certain that anything’s happened.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Christina says:
Sam, you’ve done all you could to keep your son safe. You haven’t failed. It could be a misunderstanding. And if it is true, you’ll (obviously) be choosing someone else to care for him, right? That’s being a good parent.
I don’t consider my mom a failure for placing me in what turned out to be an unsafe situation years ago. Sometimes there’s no way to know, and as soon as she did know the situation was corrected. The blame lies on this caregiver, if the allegations are true – that person failed you.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
This person in question has already been removed from the situation. I don’t know that they will be back.
And, *if* this turns out to be a false accusation and they are able to return to work how fair can it be that I vigilante-type role and remove my child?
How can I leave my child in such a situation where I wonder / worry / think that something *could* happen.
I am so confused at the moment, I am not sure what route we will even consider until we have more information.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Karen says:
You have every right to feel betrayed, deceived and even violated. Those are all understandable and you’re entitled to be enraged about such a monumentus breech of trust. You however are NOT to blame and you most certainly haven’t failed your son.
I hope that the incident you’re talking about is both a misunderstanding and something that does not involve Carter. Either way. you are reacting as you should, by protecting your son from what you know right now. Don’t blame yourself if you have been deceived, cunning and cruel people are unfortunately also clever.
Also… should this all be a gross misunderstanding, don’t feel bad for reacting this way. You’re protecting your baby and this person will certainly understand that.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I’ve started to wonder now how we will handle the situation should this person return to work. I can’t very well leave my child in this person’s care KNOWING that there has been such questions of their character.
On the other hand, I feel bad for this person, because even if the allegations are false this person is forever tarnished as someone who no one would want their child left in their care.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Sara @heartmychloe says:
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you have these horrible emotions running through you. I’m sorry that there could even be the slightest chance that what you think, might be true.
But most of all, I’m sorry that you feel you failed your child. As mothers, we want to protect our children from every possible harm that could potentially come their way.
We can’t.
What we *can do* is love our children with all that we have and all that we are.
And i know that you do.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Thank you Sara! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Karly says:
Oh, Sam. The other commenters have said it better than I can, but you truly didn’t fail him. He’s home, he’s safe, he’s going to be fine. Just hang in there.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Thanks friend. *hugs*
July 29th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Colleen says:
You didn’t fail! You trusted someone. You spoke to them, you analyzed them, you asked questions, you did everything you could to protect your child. Unfortunately, your trust was betrayed and there is nothing we can do to prevent that. We always try to do our best by our children, provide the best childcare, the best home, the best life. Sometimes life kicks us in the ass and situations like this come up. All we can do is work through it and do our best not to jump to conclusions (kids have sometimes been known to exaggerate these types of things). If the allegations turn out to be true and founded, all we can do is lock the gun safely away so we don’t go and blow the offenders head off, and pray that our child/children weren’t a victim.
Hang in there, my heart is sick for what your family is going through.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Thank you Colleen.
I just wish I had more answers to my questions; that would make me feel a little more comfortable.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:53 am
nutty mummy says:
Sweetheart. YOU HAVE NOT failed. I hope you don’t really think that. Don’t confuse initial feelings of your shock and mama roar with guilt. I am so sorry for you – I just cannot imagine. I would kill to protect my child but you just cannot blame yourself for this possibility. X
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more often than not and I hate to jump to conclusions without enough information.
Not that I would EVER be in that situation, but I would hope that people would give me the benefit of the doubt before drawing conclusions about me.
It’s just so hard NOT to draw those horrible and sad conclusions. It’s an internal struggle I’m also fighting at the moment.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Jenni says:
YOU did not fail your child. You did not fail as a mother, you did not fail as a protector. The only person that failed your child is the caregiver, but most definitely NOT YOU.
I’ll be keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers, and hope that everything gets worked out and some light is shed on the truth.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Thank you Jenni! xo
July 29th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Candy says:
The failure, Sam, would be in ignoring the possibility, in not seeing it to its end to be sure. Things happen to our children when they’re not with us…there is no way to avoid it.
But seeing it through, doing the right thing, that is how you do not fail your son. And any other child that person might come in contact with.
I think you’re very brave – it’s so easy to be an ostrich, and turn the other way. Wishing you strength.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Thank you Candy! I kinda wish I were an ostrich.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:48 am
annettek says:
You, Sam are a wonderful mother and in no way have you failed. No way. I’m so sorry you are all dealing with this right now and I hope it all turns out to be untrue. I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you and if you need anything you know you just need to say it and all of us will be here for you. xoxo
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
I am so grateful Annette. Thank you so very much. You’re a great friend.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:51 am
always home and uncool says:
Sam — not being able to trust is a failure. Someone allegedly betrayed you, your trust and your child. You are not at fault and Carter should not ever blame you, so don’t blame yourself.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Thank you Kevin, that truly means a lot. xo
July 29th, 2009 at 11:18 am
WM says:
Oh shit. I can only imagine. Listen, you can’t beat yourself up about this. It was not intentional. You can’t know it all. What’s important is that you’ve taken the appropriate action now.
I pray that the allegations are false too.
Sending you my best!
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Thanks friend. I hope you’re right. I hope all this is untrue.
But, even if it is… I have no idea what my next move is.
*sigh*
July 29th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Mrs Obe Wan says:
Oy My cousin sent this to me to comment because it happended to my son. You couldn’t convince me that I didn’t fail him, that It wasn’t my fault, I married his father. I trusted and believed him and this was what he did.
First and foremost children don’t make this up, their minds don’t go there, they don’t think that way so that’s why its a flag if they do.
My advice is deal with it. Get counseling, acknowledge, love and unfortuantely be there for the fall out and the residual. You can all get past it. Will it be hard? Absolutely but you can do it. Stop beating yourself up (funny coming from me) you love your son and you would never hurt him.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Thank you! Just to be clear, as far as I know, my son has not been a victim. He’s pretty adamant that nothing’s happened to him and I haven’t seen any negative changes in him that are not unlike a typical 3 / 4 year old.
I am so very sorry that you and your family were affected by a similar situation and am very grateful for you sharing your story with us.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Angi says:
My heart breaks for you. You have not failed him. Someone else failed him. Someone else failed you. You will lift up your child, you will keep and protect him, you will love him and in that way, you have succeeded for your child. Love to you in getting through this tough and impossible time!
A
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Thank you very much for your support. xo
July 29th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Amanda says:
Oh Sam…
Like everyone else I will emphatically say you did NOT fail your son. I will then go on as another work outside of the home and say it’s just so so hard to leave them in someone else’s care and it sucks that we have to do that. Back in the ‘olden days’ people had their families to help out. I wish that we did too. In an ideal world we would all be able to have the things we need and wouldn’t have to work but it’s not an ideal world. In fact, sometimes it’s really really not ideal at all.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Not only has returning to work after Hudson’s birth been so trying for me, to have this situation arise has been unbearable. I haven’t stopped thinking about it and I’m slowly driving myself crazy with “what ifs”.
Thank you so much for your support.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:47 am
justmylife says:
You did not fail Carter. The person failed you. Know that I am thinking of all of you and you are in my prayers. Sweetie, I never left you, I just failed to comment. But I couldn’t pass this post and not let you know that you did nothing wrong, you trusted someone, we all do that. There was no way for you to know that it was happening, if it was happening and I pray that wasn’t for the sake of the child. My thoughts are with you.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Thank you for being here. *hugs* Thank you for always being here.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Carrie says:
Sam, I’ve been there. I know that lump. I know that fear. I know that guilt. But the true measure of you as a parent is how to you react to this, how you learn from it, how you go on. You have not failed. You are a champion for your kids and their safety, their well-being, and their childhood.
Fortunately for us, it turned out that the other mother was creating false allegations against our caregiver’s grandson in order to avoid having to pay what she owed the caregiver. Pretty dirty tactics though. I think it took a few years off my life.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
OMG Carrie. That’s horrible. That’s disgusting that someone could ever do that.
That lump is one of the most painful things I’ve ever encountered. I just want it to go away.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Marinka says:
I am thinking of you and your family and sending you support. I know that as parents, it’s impossible not to blame ourselves when things happen. I know. But please don’t. Because just as we can’t take credit for everything that is wonderful in our children’s lives, we can’t take all the blame. Be kind to yourself.
xo
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I’ve read your comment over and over a few times. THANK YOU! You’re 110% right. As much as I try not to blame myself, it’s hard not to. Marinka, your comment is just what I needed.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
avasmommy says:
Sam,
You in NO WAY failed your child. I know it’s hard not to feel that way, because you placed him in that situation. But the failure was not yours. You trusted someone, and that someone betrayed that trust. That person is the FAILURE, not you.
Sweetie, you are a good mom, who loves her kids immensely. It shows in the way you write about them.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
xoxo
Jenna
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Thank you Jenna. Thank you very much!! xoxo
July 29th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Melanie says:
I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now. I hope your child is right and nothing happened to him. Lots of hugs and love coming your way!!
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Thank you Melanie.
Love and hugs are greatly appreciated!
July 29th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Krystle @snarkykisses says:
There are no words to be said except for that you absolutely have NOT failed your child; you have mearly put him in the care of someone who you thought you trusted – which NO DIFFERENT than what anyone of us do on an every day basis.
You my dear have not failed anyone; please do not think that…
xoxoxo
Praying for guidance to get you through this.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Thank you Krystle! I love you!!
Krystle @snarkykisses Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Love you too darlin’.
When can I start packing my stuff to move into your new house with you? I have an idea!! I’ll move in, babysit all day every day for you and everyone can live happily ever after.
Okay, sorry… that wasn’t right of me to say that because this isn’t funny at all. Just know that YOU and your family? Tucked safely in my heart right now.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
samantha jo campen says:
OMG.
How could you have known? There is no way you could have known. You wouldn’t have sent him there if you had known.
I’m sending you hugs and prayers and the hopes that it’s a misunderstanding.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
You’re right Samantha. He would NEVER had been in that situation had I even remotely *thought* there may be such a situation.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Don Mills Diva says:
Oh Sam.
I can only reiterrate what Angie said and offer my support…
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Thank you Kelly!
July 29th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
jennster says:
oh god i hope the allegations are wrong.. but it’s not your fault and you KNOW it deep down…. there’s just no way to NOT feel awful about it. as parents, we want to do everything we possibly can to protect our children. we’d literally die for them. you would never knowingly put him in an unsafe situation. none of us would. hang in there. love love love
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
You’re right. I do know.
I can’t help but think that I could have done something, anything to protect him more.
Thank you for commenting Jenn!
July 29th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Cat804 says:
Oh sweetie… I wish I could give you a hug. I hope you can take strength from knowing that none of us consider it a failure on your part.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Thank you friend. That means more to me than you will ever know. *hugs*
July 29th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Stimey says:
Oh no. I am so sorry. And I obviously don’t know you or your situation, but I doubt very much that you have in any way failed your child. I hope very dearly that nothing happened. But I am sad for what I’m sure this has done for your peace of mind.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Thank you! You’re right. I can’t help but think of what I could have done differently.
*hugs*
July 29th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Miss Britt says:
Oh my God, Samantha.
I am sick for you right now.
But YOU did not fail, OK? I mean that.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Thanks Britt. I love you! Thank you!
July 29th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
mom101 says:
Oh sam, my heart is just crushed for you right now. I am going to stand by and hope for the very best. And let me echo all the other thoughts here – this is not about you. The fact that you feel this way says more about your love than anything.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Thank you Liz. That truly means a lot to me.
Thank you for your support! xo
July 29th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Maria says:
My son is three and it breaks my heart that you are going through this. My thoughts are with you and I hope so very much that everyone around you supports you and your family through this situation. You have NOT failed your child. You’re worried, you’re concerned, you’re ACTING and you’re loving and that is all you can do.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Everyone has been extremely supportive. Everyone. And all of you? So supportive. I think I would be going insane without all of you!
Thank you!
July 29th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Gina says:
You have NOT failed your son. You made a decision on where to send him based on what seemed best – the only person that failed is the person who did this. Don’t blame yourself.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Thank you Gina!
July 29th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Perksofbeingme says:
You haven’t failed him. You are doing something now. You are talking. YOu aren’t keeping it quiet. You are protecting him now. This is FAR from failing him. Trust me on this. I know. You are not failing him and I love you. And I am always here if you want to talk or anything. I love you.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
nic @mybottlesup says:
oh sam…. i KNOW the fear of the unknown…. i KNOW it too well, and wish i didn’t. as a rape survivor via drug-induced…. i fear and have nightmares of what i don’t know what happened that night to me…. and it pains and ACHES my heart to think that you could possibly be facing this with your sweet carter. what you know… what you don’t know… what you think you may know….
i’m so fucking sorry.
samantha Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I’M so fuckin’ sorry. I can’t even imagine what YOU have been going through. OMG.
I just worry that I will never know being that Carter is so young and if I don’t hear it from him, who would ever tell me otherwise? *sigh*
nic @mybottlesup Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 8:37 am
i’m so sorry baby. you may never know… carter may never truly know… and speaking from experience, you learn to find that maybe, just maybe it’s better not to know.
maybe…. *sigh*
but you still wonder, and for that, i’m sorry.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
nuckingfutsmama says:
Oh my God, what an awful, awful thing to have swimming around in your head. I can’t even imagine how scared, enraged, and pissed I’d be in your shoes. No way in hell did you fail as a mother, though. I don’t know if this makes you feel any better at all, but I know of a family who went through an ordeal like this, only the woman was the owner of the daycare and was the accused “abuser”. She was completely innocent and went through absolute hell trying to prove her innocence. It was a GIANT fabrication, created by a bitter co-worker, and it almost ruined her reputation, career, and self-esteem forever. My point in telling you this is that it’s very possible that NOTHING happened to any of the kids. I will pray that this is, in fact, the case. Please trust in what you know deep down in your heart in the meantime — THAT YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER! Hang in there….
July 29th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Velma says:
I’ll repeat it, because I don’t think you can hear it enough:
You did not fail him in any way. There is no way, short of hermetically sealing yourself and your family inside a bubble and never leaving, to avoid having things – sometimes awful things – happening, but what we give our children is not just protection, but the ability to get through all the ugliness with with us in their corner. And you are right there, in his corner, so don’t feel that it is YOUR failure. Feel angry and awful and violated and crushed, but do NOT feel at fault.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
gorillabuns says:
you did not fail your child! i happened to be in a babysitter’s care at one point in time. the old dude that was married to the babysitter was creepy. even at 5 i knew he wasn’t right in the head and would never go and sit on his lap.
two weeks later, it came to light, he pretty much molested every child in their daycare but me. I know my mother didn’t fail me and knew even then, people are really fucked up.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:01 am
Assertagirl says:
Try not to be so hard on yourself, Sam! You’re a wonderful mother and you couldn’t have seen something like this coming. Like you, I hope this is all a misunderstanding. I’m thinking of you.
xo
July 30th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Fairly Odd Mother says:
I want to cry for you, not b/c I think you failed your child at all, but b/c I think we are all so vulnerable to this sort of thing happening—-I am SO SORRY!
I hope Carter is ok and be easy on yourself. You did not fail him. In fact, by asking him to tell you what happened and being willing to listen to whatever he says, you are being a good mama. Hugs to you.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Angela says:
Just came over from MOM 101’s blog. I am so very sorry that you and your family are going through this horrible experience. Sending good thoughts your way.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:24 am
jenni says:
I’m here via mom101 – wow, how scary and upsetting and I don’t even know.
I used to work as a rape crisis counselor. You should get him to see someone if you can, as they may have strategies and teniques for talking with him that you do not. Either way, he is young, and young people are resiliant. He will bounce back from all of this much more quickly than you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done. Take care.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Just Shireen says:
Oh honey, I can only reiterate what everyone else has said: you have not failed at all.
*hugs*
July 30th, 2009 at 10:26 am
jodi says:
First, feel free to email me, I work in child abuse and am happy to help.
I’m so sorry.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Stephanie says:
WOW.
I hope you’re all ok.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Haley-O says:
SAM! SAM! You have not failed your child. You have not failed your child. DO NOT blame yourself for this. I’m SO sorry you’re going through something so awful. Hugs to you and the family. I pray nothing happened to him. THINKING OF YOU!
July 30th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Chicky Chicky Baby says:
The other person failed. You DID NOT fail. You trusted, the other person took advantage of that trust. That should not stop you from trusting again and the first person you need to learn to trust again is you.
Anytime, I’m here. And I can talk about this subject with some knowledge. Anytime. Seriously.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Kelley says:
Again…not your fault. As a former molestation victim, this is something I think my mother could’ve written. Except in my case, it was a friend’s brother and most of the incidences occurred while my mom was in the house. I hope nothing did happen, I hope that this is one huge misunderstanding, but don’t be afraid to reach out to calm your fears even before the truth is known.
We all did counseling for YEARS after my mom found out. But it helped her to have an outlet.
Being a parent it f*cking scary and we can all just do our best. Because you know and you care, you’re doing great.
*hugs*
July 31st, 2009 at 1:37 am
maggie, dammit says:
OHMYGOD SAM.
Ohmygod.
Oh, honey. I’m so so so so so so sorry.
But listen to me, you DID NOT FAIL. You did not do anything wrong.
Ohhhhhh, damn. I’m so sorry, love.
July 31st, 2009 at 12:12 pm
jennifer, playgroups are no place for children says:
JESUS CHRIST, Sam! How scary, I’m so, so sorry. Like 20 million people before me said, it’s NOT your fault, YOU didn’t fail.
I’m so sorry.
July 31st, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Issa says:
I know that I’m late in reading this post…gah, I still have 128 to read…but you haven’t failed him. We only fail them if we do nothing about it.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this in any way and I hope to god nothing happened to your son. But you haven’t failed him. Truly.
And there is no way to know. We do our best as parents, to keep our kids safe, to only leave them with people we trust, but there’s no guarantees. Trust me on this one.
July 31st, 2009 at 5:14 pm
ali says:
you have not failed him, hon. no. no. no. no.
thinking of you, love.
July 31st, 2009 at 7:51 pm
PrincessJenn says:
OMG sweetie. Just catching (once again) on posts and saw this. GAH. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Hugest hugs for you.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Diana says:
Sam, I am so sorry I didn’t see this sooner. You are a wonderful mother and you have not failed. I am crying for you and sick. I can’t imagine what you are going through, just know that this is. not. your. fault.
If there is anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask. Even if just a shoulder.
Our thoughts are with you and Carter.
August 1st, 2009 at 10:06 am
momtrolfreak says:
I cannot even imagine how you must feel right now, though you are heartbreakingly eloquent in describing it. You have NOT failed your child. There is no way to know these things. Predators are able to do what they do precisely because they are so good at earning trust (of children and adults). You cannot foresee every eventuality, all you can do is be there for your child and do your best to minimize the damage (if any). You are a great mom and are raising a great kid. You will get through this.
August 1st, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Elisa says:
Oh, Sam, that awful. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. But please, please do not tell yourself you failed your child – I know as moms we always feel guilty for anything that might have hurt our kids, even when the sense of guilt is unfounded – but you couldn’t have known.
You are not to blame for trusting this person. Decent people cannot imagine evil. We just don’t see it in people because we don’t have it in ourselves.
I hope and pray this all gets sorted out and you and your family can get past it. The guilty party, however, if it is a guilty party, I really hope they get what they deserve. And if this is true, they surely do not deserve anything good.
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:29 am
MommyGeekology says:
It’s not your fault.
We love you. He loves you. You are a good mother. Unfortunately, no mother can protect her child from everything.
Praying that it’s not as bad as you think.
Praying that if it is, that you and your family will come through relatively unscathed.
August 10th, 2009 at 3:22 pm