I’m treading on thin ice these days. My life seems to be crumbling around me at an increasingly alarming rate and I can’t seem to stop the pieces as they tumble to the ground.
When I began this site, I made a decision not to talk about my career at length. I’ve talked about what I do but not to an extent that I go on about co-workers or job sites. I just thought of it to be mundane and uninteresting to those who are not in the field of mud and big machinery. I’ve tried to keep a clear distinction between my career and my life for the purpose of this site.
But more and more my work has been consuming me and who I am. The struggle of the work-life balance has been very trying for me, especially after returning after having two children. I haven’t denied that it’s been hard. I’ve lashed out and acted irrationally and as much as I’ve tried to keep these worlds apart, they are colliding.
Where is this coming from? I was brought into my boss’ office yesterday to discuss my performance over the past three months; or my lack of performance I should say.
My ability to manage a balance between my home life and my work has been severely lacking since I returned back in May. I know that it’s been bad. I know that it’s not normal and I know that it’s not acceptable. I’ve had a total of 15 days off already. Not only have I been having an increased amount of time off, I’ve also been considerably outperformed by my fellow co-workers.
In the past three months I’ve struggled with my return to work, I’ve bought a house and moved, traveled to Chicago, had two sick children whom have had to stay home for daycare about 10 times, I’ve been tormented with thoughts of inappropriate touching and concerns of my husband, once again, losing his job since construction is at a virtual stand-still at the moment.
I’ve been with this company for 8 years. Fresh out of college, this was and continues to be the only career I’ve known to pay my bills, provide me with essentials and my luxuries. Before I had children I was completely dedicated to my job. I would work 80 hours a week, no question. I would stand outside in -30 degrees Celsius (-22F) for hours upon hours without a word or complaint. I’ve tried to be a good employee – no a great employee – but I’ve been slipping down this slope of choosing my family over work. I’m now in a position where I am finding myself nearing the bottom. As I look up to where I was, I realize it’s a long hard trip to get back to there, that’s if I ever can. I think by this point I’ve been written off as more of a hindrance than the asset I believe I was once was.
I feel hurt, frustrated, sad, worried – seriously worried – and most of all: embarrassed.
Embarrassed that it’s come to this. Embarrassed that I’ve failed my job, my co-workers and my boss.
Then I feel angry. Angry that out of the eight years I’ve been there I’ve had a hard three months. I am angry that the past three months of shitty work have completely discounted the work I’ve done prior to this. I haven’t had a performance review or a personal development plan since I’ve been back. I’ve been left to my own devices to find myself work and keep myself busy. I know, imagine that. I’m expected to fend for myself. *gasp* But I just haven’t found my groove. I haven’t been able to get back into the flow where I once was. I feel pushed out, overlooked, unimportant.
Have I told my boss this? Nope. Because even as I read it back to myself, it sounds like a big sappy bucket of excuses; like I am not willing to own up to the fact that I’ve sucked but instead I would be providing excuses for my sucktitude and trying to weasel my way back into his good graces by way of pity.
That’s not me.
So now? Now I tread like my life depends on it.
Because it does.
{ 17 comments }
Its not a bucket of excuses, at all. You are a mom, above your job. For the past 3 months out of no fault of your own, things have happened that have caused you to shift priorities. I can’t imagine trying to balance it all. I don’t work and I fall apart all the time. You are NOT a failure at all. ((Hugs)), good thoughts, and love vibes to you.
Hang in there…you’ll find your groove again and they will remember exactly how valuable you are there.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been there. After I had my 3rd child, I also felt a bit like an outsider at work. I did my best, but my kids had to come first and when they were sick (which was yes, a lot) I had to put their needs above all else. After a year of this, I was let go from a job where I had completely given myself. I kind of learned at that time that sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much you have done in the past for an employer, when it suits them they can and will cut you off. It was hard for me, still is. I have moved on and now work for a great boss. I do have to find a balance and I haven’t stopped giving my all when I am at work, because I am not the type of person who is willing to change my work ethic because I have been hurt. So, I put myself out there and hope something like that doesn’t happen again. I tell you this not to make you even more nervous, but to let you know that even if you do get fired at work, then you will move on. You will find a place that values you and is maybe more accepting of your priorities, especially once you show them how valuable of an employee you can be. You won’t need to work 80 hours a week either. Hopefully your current boss and fellow employees come around, but if not? Don’t let it stop you from being the best you can be, as a mother and as an employee of someone who does appreciate you! I’m rooting for you!
Oh I’ve been there. 8 years with a company, continual advancement, until last summer when a near divorce and VERY close suicide attempt sidelined me. I was back at work a day after being released from the hospital.
My boss was nice enough to write me up a month after that-a final warning out of nowhere. Not to mention the number of times her encouragement or grooming included calling me stupid or yelling at me.
My pithy advice? Decide what YOU want. I now know I want to go back to school for nursing after working a crap job that’s just BARELY squeaking the bills by. I wouldn’t have decided that for real if I hadn’t been given my pink slip. My only wish now is that it had happened sooner. I had been so unhappy.
Some places have no forgiveness. I hope you are at one of the few that do.
Have you considered in-home child care? With two kids in day care, I found it was cheaper to have someone in my home. At one point, I hired a mom with a baby (Bring your child to work-I advertised- THAT made it even cheaper) In home care kept me working while the kids were sick, and it eliminated the dragging the kids out the door and schlepping them home just to hurriedly put together dinner. Ask at your local church, pre school, or friends for someone looking to make some extra cash flexilble arounf YOUR schedule!
Hang in there, love!
I know how you feel love. I used to be an over-achieving employee, but that all changed a few years ago and I now have very different priorities. But then there’s that damned lifestyle that we need to continue to support. Ugh…
You’ve had waaaay more than your fair share of crap on your plate lately and in my opinion, you’ve handled it all in stride. I know far weaker women that would have crumpled under the pressure.
I have a feeling you’re being too hard on yourself about this and all you need is a little confidence (ok and maybe a break from any more little crises) and you’ll be right back to having a happy boss and more importantly, being proud of your work.
And hey, I’ll be in Toronto next week so if you need help folding laundry or cleaning the pool, let me know
Us women folk need to help eachother out yo!
I am exactly where you are – well, I haven’t been called in for a meeting yet, but I’m sure I’m pretty close.
The return to work 8 months ago, after my second has triggered a downhill spiral in so many aspects of my life. And, like you, my husband’s job has been affected by industry changes. He is working quite successfully at freelancing, but freelancing is no given. I feel like I can’t quit, not matter how badly I’d like to.
So, I’ve come to a conclusion, in my head and on paper, and while I am still not quite ready to discuss it with my employers, I have my proposal written:
A 4-day work week. A 20% drop in wages, but one more day at home, which will hopefully stem the (over)flow of days I am taking off, energy I lack and attitude I should adjust. No one has ever been granted (or asked for) such a thing where I work, but I am ready to give it a shot. Might it work for you? As far as I’m concerned, my family depends on it.
p.s. I should add – almost 10 years at my company. I feel they owe me this. Hope they do too.
I write this from my desk at work. I’m here at 6 am and will work for 10 hours today because we are in the midst of a system conversion and it’s been hell. I’m so exhausted from work that it’s all I can do to get a little dinner on the table and spend quality time with my kids. All this while trying to get them ready for school which is supposed to start next Monday (although a strike is looming but don’t get me started on that). Ahem…all that to say is it is incredibly hard. And I understand and keep on trucking as best as you can. I look at my job as something I must do to sustain my family. I try and do it to the best of my ability , while I’m there, then I leave it there.
One way to look at that “office chat” w/your supervisor is as a performance review of sorts. Sure it highlighted the negatives…and I’m sure wasn’t at all pleasant but ideally that was your opportunity to “start fresh” and turn it around. It’s a bump in the road , it should not be the considered the measure for how you’ve performed over the last several years.
Trust that they know you’ve done a great job for them. Explain that it is hard but that you’re doing all you can and will continue to do so.
That is all you can do. It will fall in to place.
Just know you are not alone in this. I understand and empathize and am wishing you much peace in this crazy journey
XO!
I know where you’re coming from. I also know it gets easier as you fall into more of a routine.
Don’t think I’m crazy for saying this, but have you thought about getting a nanny? We have one. She lives with us. I can’t tell you how much of a difference it has made for me because I struggle with the issue of balance also. My life is just infinitely better without some of the added stress.
Anyway, I don’t mean to sound pushy or “know it all” or anything – I just wish I’d done it earlier.
As for the work stuff … if you figure it out tell me!
Sam – been there and it’s SO not fun. I wish I had a way to tell you how to make it all better but the stress doesn’t end does it? You do more for your kids than you had yourself and then at the end of the day, exhausted you go to bed all to do it all over again.
I’m actually going to say something different than the others. Why not try anti-routine. Sometimes the routine itself makes me CRAZY and going into ‘anti routine’ mode at least makes ME feel better.
Maybe anti routine will work for you?
I felt so badly when I read this – sounds like things are really tough right now. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to juggle a demanding career and family…I find it darn impossible to juggle being a mom and being me, and I’m lucky enough to stay at home.
Thinking of you…
I wish your company was more family-friendly. Why does it always have to be about the bottom line? Do these people not have families of their own? Can they not understand where you’re coming from? Makes me so angry!
Hang in there!!!
Oh my, you and I are in the same shoes right now. I’ve been back a little longer, from my third, but other than that, very similar. My son (the youngest) has had lots of health issues, which have taken me away from work for weeks at a time (when he’s in the hospital, I refuse to leave him).
Hang in there – you know you have to do what you need to do for your kids. Job has to come second to that. You’ll find that balance, and what comes of that will be the right thing for you and your family. It just takes time.
While I think my company is more family friendly, I really struggle with having a job vs. a career. I used to think I needed a career but now, I am happy I have a job. I am failing at something at work right now, and it is the first time this has happened to me, and it is really hard to swallow. I am very close to asking for a revised work week, and the paycut that would come with that. I am constantly thinking how we could change job schedules, or childcare to make life more pleasant. Haven’t figured it out yet! We are hoping once the oldest is in school, we can have one of use reduce our schedule to meet her after school, and thus minimize childcare. It’s hard having a solution that is 2 years out.
(Sorry for the rambling!)
Thinking of you –
S
Hang in there! I have no doubt that things will turn around and start looking up soon!!!
XOXO
My boss approached me a couple of weeks ago about the fact that it was mid-August and I’d already used up all of my vacation time – even the time I haven’t technically accrued yet. She wanted a “commitment” from me that I’d be here, and I said yes.. knowing that I would have to call out one day because the kids are sick, or another because my mother has a doctor’s appointment, or another because LIFE HAPPENS. And I have three lives to worry about, not just 1 like my coworkers.
It’s so hard. I was sick to my stomach, literally, for a week.
I feel like I’m treading water, too — because if I lose this job I think we’re screwed.
I’m so sorry.
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