I’m fighting some demons at the moment. My depression seems to be taking a tailspin dive into darkness. I’ve been fighting this for weeks as stuff that is seemingly out of my control has been taking over. I think I made the mistake of trying to decrease my use of anti-depressants all while I’ve been returning from maternity leave, moving, facing reprimand at work, and constant fighting at home. I mean, there’s only so much a person can take, mentally – because physically I’m fine. Aside from the weight I’ve gained from my non-stop emotional eating and my flaming carpel tunnel syndrome, I am fine.
Mentally? I feel as though I haven’t slept in weeks even though I’ve been getting what seems like a solid 6 hours during the week and then about 9 or 10 on the weekends. But…I’ve begun self-diagnosing and I think I have sleep apnea. Based on what people have told me about my sleep patterns, my snoring, etc. I’ve decided to talk to my doctor about it. Sleep apnea can also increase symptoms of depression, so there’s that. I’ve been having horrible brain-splitting-in-half migraines so bad I have to hide in my room and cry for silence.
I can’t help but want to run away and hide from everything. Re-group and come back stronger and better. I just can’t. There are children, jobs, a house and family. There isn’t time for me to escape and wallow in self pity and try to fix myself when there is so much around me that needs fixing too.
I feel suffocated. I feel down. I feel worthless. I feel like nothing I do satisfies anyone. My boss, my husband, my parents. I feel as though I can do nothing right by anyone. I am even failing this stupid blog, my other site and my friends – both on-line and off.
I mean, I know it’s not all bad. I have a brand new (to me) house, brand spankin’ new shiny! appliances, beautiful children and a wonderful (most of the time), caring (most of the time), and helpful (sometimes) husband. I am not that hard done by, really.
It’s the little things which I’ve escalated and increased into BIG THINGS: like two weeks ago, Mike was driving down a super busy highway. A wheel chock flew off the back of a transport truck and THROUGH our windshield.
He had Hudson with him. Things *could* have been So. Much. Worse. than the replacing of a hood and a windshield. Had he not taken a chance and swerved into another lane of traffic it would have hit him head on. I could have lost them both in an instant two Fridays ago. Thinking about it now still makes me tear up. But they’re fine. Everyone’s fine! Yet, I don’t move on. I think about it, I worry, I stress. I work myself into this stressball of panic.
The daycare incident still weighs extremely heavy on my mind. I can’t shake it. I’ve tried valiantly to let it go, to *know* that my child is fine and that nothing happened. But ‘What Ifs’ cheap back constantly when he’s whiny, not listening and acting out.
I have been now living in constant fear that I no longer have the job security that I once thought I did. I don’t have the comfort of knowing that my employer has my back as they once did. This industry is extremely volatile at the moment. There is little to no work – I know, I bid on new projects. There are none.
Mike is currently at home. He’s been able to get a couple days here and there to at least have a couple hundred dollars to bring home and help keep us afloat, but there’s nothing going on at the moment. That? My friends, is the joys of living a life of construction. We hurry up and wait. Constantly.
So ya, I’m a complete Debbie Downer. I have nothing even remotely positive to spew forth on the interwebs lately.
I think about you a lot! I miss you all.
Most of all.
I miss me.
(I know, selfish bitch. I can’t help it. It’s in my genes.)
{ 24 comments }
I can relate to almost every word I just read. I live in a constant state of anxiety and depression – What Ifs fattening full control of my thoughts all the time. I too feel like I need a break from the stress of it all, but I have kids that need me full time. I’ve put myself last for so long, that the consequences are rearing their ugly head, and it feels like I can’t control them any longer. I am not on medication because I’m afraid of it, but in my heart I know I should be on some to deal with my anxiety and post-partem that was disagnosed with both pregnancies. I stare at that bottle of pills all the time, but refuse to take even one, because I don’t want to be “ON” MEDS.
This could honestly be my tagline – “I feel suffocated. I feel down. I feel worthless. I feel like nothing I do satisfies anyone.” You are not alone, although I’m not sure that thought can even comfort you at all. Knowing other people are in a similar situation doesn’t make me feel any better – why would it really?
Thanks for your post – you’re a great writer. Your sense of humour will help get you through this crappy time. It helps me get through every day.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
I totally understand about the stigma of taking medication. I’ve too been there. I am there. It’s a rocky, hard road to travel. In time you will do what you know is best. *hugs*
I feel so much for you – I have so been there and still am some days. I think you should get re-evaluated and maybe change to a different medicine – now is not the time to be cutting back. I don’t mean to tell you what to do, it’s just that this post just about summed up my life at the moment too. Huge changes. Huge challenges. Huge stressors. Give yourself some credit here.
You have been through some of the biggest life challenges all at once of late. Moving house is extremely exhausting and demanding, not to mention having little ones who need you every minute. I think you’re amazing to be holding it together so well.
I have had huge issues with depression (started with PPD that kicked in when my son was nine months old) so do not push that aside. You need to get evaluated and treated before it gets worse. It sounds like depression to me – those feelings of not being enough, exhaustion even when you’re sleeping and generally being overwhelmed. You can get help and you should.
Just know that those things you are feeling are real, but you are not worthless, nor not enough. You are everything to your family and sometimes I think that that is the problem for women. We take it all on. We overwhelm ourselves. We expect to do it all and we do.
See your doctor. Give yourself time to do one little thing for yourself every day even a bath or a glass of wine. I know it sounds impossible, but if you aren’t doing well then no-one else will be. Tell your husband how you feel. I never let mine know as I felt he had enough to worry about, but that was a mistake. When you have depression, you NEED support and love and nurturing. Ironically, sometimes this is when you get what you need most because people are unaware of just how awful you feel.
None of this is in your control. See your doctor as a start. I’m sorry I hope you don’t think I’m telling you what to do
I’m not, I have just so been there and felt all those feelings you described so well in this post.
And whatever you do, you deserve to feel good and happy and loved. You are a wonderful mother and wife. Don’t forget that. You are just under tremendous stress and you deserve to have that addressed and to get support however you can get it.
I wish you some peace today. I can relate to everything. My life circumstances are different – I’m a single Mom but everything you describe could be me right now. Some days I feel fragile, like I could break apart any minute. I hope that you get the support you deserve. I for one, understand and thing you’re amazing to have written it down for the rest of us who are going through the same thing.
Have faith. It will get better. But stay on your medication until things settle down and change it if you have to.
Email me if you want on irishsamom@msn.com. And it will pass. Just be gentle with yourself. You are human. You are vulnerable. And you have more on your plate than most.
Hugs,
Tricia x
Still here for you, Sam, whenever you need.
Thank you Kevin. Thank you very, very much!
Thanks for letting us inside in this dark period of your life. We all support you, we’re all cheering for you, we’re all hoping that things get better. Please continue to keep us posted, but be sure to take as much time as you need for yourself. We understand.
Sending hugs!
Just wanted to say sorry it all sucks. As you say, keep on keepin’ on.
I’m so sorry, because that’s a lot to deal with. Don’t diminish it in your mind, because it all does seriously suck — instead, try to face it head on and push through it. Not easy. Way easier said than done.
Things will get better. I wrote about perspective lately because it’s so relevant in my life, and for all of us, I think. It all depends on where you’re standing.
Some will say you’re lucky. Some may think your story is the saddest they’ve ever heard.
I hope that you are able to find a positive light to stand in and help lift yourself up out of this, because it’s no fun being down in the dumps, and it makes everything, even breathing, harder.
*hugs*
You know, it kinda sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – the dwelling on the what-ifs, and not being able to let things go. Maybe it’s just too much, all at once.
I’m so sorry you’re not yourself. But listen to what your body is telling you. Sleep is so important and all parents go through that sleep-deprived thing, and it’s SO HARD. Good luck, Sam.
Don’t stop taking the pills. You are on a roller coaster right now with all of the stressful changes in your life. The chemicals levels fluctuating in your system (from going off the meds) are not going to help you right now. I used to absolutely DESPAIR at the thought of being on pills for the rest of my life. However, after trying to wean off of them three or four times over the past few years, I’ve come to accept that I cannot live a somewhat normal life without them. Also, I don’t know if you are in counseling or not, but you might want to consider it. I’ve done it several times over the years, and once you find the therapist that works for you, you feel SO much better. Having an objective person to help you sort out what is going on and get you leveled again will get you on the right track to feeling better. Best of luck!
I love you like a forever friend.
I want you to know you can rant/rave/throw stuff at me through the interwebs of IM.
If you need, I can even call you. (Apparently, AT&T doesn’t charge much to call Canada.)
Now, go get a brownie to stuff in those dark corners of your emotions. At least that will tide you over til tomorrow.
Oh man … when it rains it pours.
I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.
Hang in there. It will get better.
6 hours sleep is no way enough for any one. Start fixing that one, take thigns one by one where you can.
Love you lots and am here for you if you need.
Sam -
I **so** understand how you feel. Right now I feel like I am in a pit of despair as well (I’m seeming to decide to work through it by shouting through Twitter…not sure that’s such a great idea but it’s **something**) – I hope that something changes for both of us and soon.
One thing I am doing is trying to carve some time out for me to just do some ‘me’ things – you know, those things that I don’t get to do – a manicure, etc – even if I do them myself, at home and in peace and quiet.
I’m still tres jealous of your shiny NEW appliances.
Hugs to you Sam.
Ooh, an idea – let’s gather up everyone and have one big non video Skype session (because, let’s face it video would add just TOO much pressure) and then leave it all on the screen and walk away from it.
And aftewards we can all have a frosty.
1st – I’d just like to point out that you have some really awesome interwebs friends…they’ve commented on this post, and they clearly care about you and your wellbeing – that is an amazing thing.
2nd – I am a total worry wart, too. I am a “what if-er” to the Nth degree – and it makes me so crazy! Because no matter what – even when things work out – you can’t give yourself the time to enjoy those wins – b/c you’re too busy stuck in the “yeah, but what-ifs.” GAH! I feel ya there – and I know it’s frustrating.
3rd – According to DH, I’m a “streets are paved with cheese-er” as well. Like in that movie with the mouse…the older one…An American Tale! They sing the song about “no cats in America and the streets are paved with che-ese.” Yeah – so what that means is I am always sooooo busy wanting what I can’t have that I forget to take the time to enjoy the things I DO have. I’m lame like that.
So – here’s what I think – because you care, right? – I think you rock. I think your posts rock. I think you are funny and interesting and now, a bit troubled – but either way, you rock. So just stop whatever it is you are doing RIGHT NOW and BREATHE. Just stop and breathe. No matter what else is going on – what demands are being placed on your shoulders – what anxiety you may be having over a what-if – stop, take a deep breath and just know that you have THAT moment. Start with wee moments – then try a few more breaths…believe it or not, this works for me…sometimes.
Good luck – and keep posting! (oh and you’re not a Debbie Downer for being human. Promise.)
I’m sorry, love. I’m glad you’re going to see your doctor. I, too, am an unbearable worry-wart who dwells on the negatives and what-ifs and worries myself sick from the stress of the unknown. It’s awful and ugly, and it sucks balls that we can’t just turn our brains off for just a minute to catch our breath. Know that you’re in my thoughts. *squishy bewbie hugs*
Sam,
I’ve been following you for a while, but I have never commented before. And reading this (while at work) has hit such a cord – as it seems to have with many – that I’ve got tears running down my cheeks. So, as I work with mostly men (construction too – how about that) I’ve had to stab myself in the arm with a letter opener, so I can say I hurt myself…..
I think it’s so much easier for someone on the outside to give a bit of perspective, as we get sooooo caught up in the “I’m not good enough” mind set (guilty here, too), we don’t see our forest for our trees. What I’ve learned about you…..you’ve moved homes, you have two young children, you work full time, and right now it’s supporting your family (my god woman!), you still to all the wife/mom stuff at home, because that’s what mom’s do, you’re worried that your job is a little less secure, and trying to keep all that together on 6 hours of sleep?? That’s impossible. For what you’re doing, you need to go out, and buy yourself a catsuit, boots and a cape, because you are being super woman, and not giving yourself ANY credit. Or space. And it’s hard to do those things.
My husband is in construction, and we are treading water – added up our debt yesterday, and what we owe, on top of our mortgage, is like a mortgage in itself. So….I’m on “meds” to keep the anxiety at bay, and sleeping pills, so I can get caught up from not sleeping much since my 5 year old was born. And who cares about taking the medication – if you were diabetic, you wouldn’t not take your insulin, because “you should be able to manage without it’? Why is this different?
Keeping you in my thoughts – see, there are people you don’t know exist out here routing for you.
xo
J
I will always be here to sing your Debbie Downer sound effects.
I love you my friend.
I hate that you’re hurting and suffering.
If I were anywhere near you (or in possession of a passport) I’d be by your side.
xoxo
be well.
This is so appropriately titled. Keep on Keepin on. We do don’t we ? In spite of the fact that it might be such a challenge and despite the fact that we may just want to give up and run away from it all..
It’s great that you recognize it for what it is and most important that you take care of you.
We’ll all be here as well in whatever capacity you need us!
XO
The only thing I can offer is that the bad times never last forever. Too pragmatic, I know, but I had a horrible year a couple of years ago – dad died when I was 8 months pregnant, huz lost job just as I went on mat leave, roof needed replacing – and somehow, it got better. It always does. Keep on writing.
I’ve got nothing more to add except:
XOXO times infinity
That’s got to count for something, right?
Honey. I adore you. But depression isn’t something you win or fail at. It’s an illness. the negative self talk about how you think you’re handling it only serves to make you feel more like shit.
and you know? That’s not ok. You would have compassion for anyone else who is sick…where is your compassion for you?
I love you, be nice to you.
The sleep thing is huge. You probably need more than 6 hours in any case.
I felt horribly depressed and awful for the longest time when I was trying to sleep with my ex, Mr Snuggly. I can’t sleep w/someone touching me – he couldn’t sleep without. I still remember the morning after I kicked him out and got decent sleep for the first time in 6 months. It was like being reborn.
I have nothing profound to say, but wanted you to know there is one more person here to support you. It does sound like you have had alot of crap dumped on your lap. Good Luck and I’ll keep reading as you are an excellent writer.
Jenn
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