When I began taking anti-depressants I was embarking on a new phase in my life as a working mother. It was just over a year since Carter was born and I attributed my need for medication to be more of a situational issue rather than post-partum. Why does that even matter? I don’t know. Maybe because dealing with the stigma of depression as *just* depression just didn’t seem as difficult as it would have been should it be labeled “post-partum depression”.
Post-paturm depression just seems to have such an awful stigma attached to it; like a woman suffering is immediately assumed to be a danger to herself or her child(ren). No one wants to have that label.
That’s why when I read my discharge papers it knocked the wind out of me.
Even if I was (am) experiencing PPD I feel as though I’m not able to admit it because of the sideways glances and unsaid concerns. I believe others are thinking that I am a danger to my child(ren) and that? That makes me even more insane as I worry what people are thinking of me and my abilities as a parent.
Ashamed.
Ashamed that I am human.
Ashamed that I need help.
Ashamed that I don’t really have it all together.
Yes, if you read the previous post I’ve linked to you’ll notice I have a differing opinion now. I know, I know. I am all over the board, but that’s not the point nor the purpose of this post.
It’s hard to admit having post-partum depression because even though I *know* I haven’t failed, I can’t make others believe that; and what I *think* others believe plays on my mind constantly. Yet, I still find myself saying I don’t have post-partum depression because *I* haven’t been told I do – even though it’s on my hospital paperwork I have yet to accept it. Still.
So coupled with trying to hold everything together as it’s frayed at the seams over the past few months, I’ve neglected myself. It’s caught up to me. My mind, my body, myself.
Post-partum or not, I am going to see my doctor again at the end of the month about participating in a sleep study to see if I do indeed have Sleep Apnea and about my medication. Even though I have began taking it religiously again, I am not me. I don’t believe I have been since I started taking it back in 2006, but I just didn’t do anything about it. Call it lazy, call it settling, whatever.
For the past three years, I just accepted the fact I had (have) no desire to do anything, my activity level has been slim to none, I’ve gained an additional 20lbs, and I am just going through the motions. I attribute some of that to the side effects of the medication, but honestly? This is also no way to live me life. Sure, I’m not yelling and constantly aggravated, but who wants to live a life that’s been wasted away sitting at a desk, on a couch, on a computer, watching television?
Wow, I think I have more to deal with than just being medicated.
As I read this back all I get from it is I want to be happy. I want to love the life I have. I want to enjoy my family, love my new house and participate. Participate in my life.
{ 24 comments }
Wow. Just wow.
First off, I had some idea you were struggling with returning to work and dealing with many stresses all at once, but I didn’t know you were feeling this way exactly. Good for you for figuring out exactly what’s going, and taking the steps to handle it. That is so fantastic on it’s own.
If there’s anything I can do, I hope you’ll lean on me.
xo
You go girl – and you do what you have to do for you. FUCK what anybody else thinks. You take care of you so you can take care of (biz, kids, whatev.)
The people who know you and love you are rooting for you – everyone else can step off.
Good for you. I’m glad you’re taking steps to figure it out. Sleep apnea changed my husband dramatically, and now that he’s using a machine and getting sleep, he’s a changed man.
I’ve been on Zoloft due to PPD (originally) since my son was born (4yrs ago). I’ve determined that I like myself better on it; like how I’m more relaxed and even keel. It works for me, screw the haters. I hope something, meds or not works for you – it’s no one else’s business how you get through your days and live your life to your fullest.
xo
The stigma attached to postpartum depression makes me livid. It is no woman’s “fault”, it is caused by hormones and chemicals plain and simple. Some women (like me) may be more prone to it because of previous depression issues, but it is NEVER ever a woman’s fault. I had PPD with two times, after the loss of an almost 5 month pregnancy, I boarded on postpartum psychosis. I think the beginning of taking control back, is saying SCREW IT, I had PPD and PPD has nothing to do with the mother/person I am.
I was on Zoloft for a long time. It helped miles with the depression, but didn’t make me happy. I had to fight for that. I still do.
That said I need to lose weight and find out why I cant sleep either. I will be thinking of and rooting for you.
I fucking love you.
Depression is no fun. Best wishes with finding happiness and being a participant in life!
This time last year I was being medicated for depression. I was able to come off the meds, but it was a rough road for a little while there. And I do still have rough days.
One thing I realized was that medication wasn’t the answer. It was very much required, but medication simply allowed me to be able to do the things I needed to do in order to feel better. Medication helped me get out of bed and go to counselling. Medication helped me to take care of myself by doing the small things – showering, putting on makeup. Medication helped me to get my butt out the door and exercise. These are the things that ultimately helped me to feel better, but the medication simply allowed me to find the strength and ability to do them.
Does that make sense?
In any case, I know what you’re going through, and if you need any more support, if even just a listening ear, I’m just an email away.
*hugs*
It absolutely, 110% makes sense. That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling to a tee. I am going through the motions day to day but not LIVING. I feel like I’m in a constant fog of just *doing*, yanno?
I never really thought that it may be the medication until I stopped taking it and was LIVING again, but then I was also aggravated and cranky and impossible to live with. *sigh*
I just hope there another method. I don’t want to be this person anymore.
There are lots of ways to treat depression. I hope you have a good doctor that you’re able to talk to. Also – there are many different kinds of medication out there, and you may simply have to experiment until you find the right one, or the right combination.
Just know that you DO NOT have to feel this way…and there is no shame in admitting that something is wrong and that you need help.
I don’t know about PPD (obviously) but I do know what it is like to feel depressed. Until recently, I felt all of those things you were feeling with regard to having no motivation, sitting around on the couch, and watching my life pass me by.
I am so glad that you are able to admit it and recognize it and all that other hard stuff. I’m over here rooting for you and supporting you no matter what.
Interesting. Having had PPD I always felt like it was a bit of a stigma too. And, when I had my 2nd it was like this huge weight over me from the minute I got pregnant. It was like “oh – be careful. She had PPD” That was annoying.
It was good that the history of it got me in an amazing program where I dealt with stuff. And it was great that when I left the program I felt healthier and happier. But, at the same time I totally echo your feelings. And, also, my feelings about it are all over the map also.
It sometimes feels like PPD is considered *just* a hormone inbalance an people don’t look at the underlying cause, just throw medication at it. It also sometimes seems like women who have gone through PPD are considered women who couldn’t handle the pressure – and I think there’s nothing further from the truth.
When I went through counselling the second time round they actually felt that I was mis-diagnosed with PPD – that I already was dealing with depression and that because of the rough birth of my son it was depression plus post-traumatic stress disorder. For some reason that made it seem better.
Now, having said all of that. After I had Chloe I was not on meds, and I didn’t feel like what they offered was what I needed. I found a great naturopath and she gave me an herbal remedy, and for me it was more effective. (I stress for me. My family doctor knows I’m on that, and we have gone through what signs to recognize for depression, and if those signs/symptoms occur I will go on meds in a second).
I guess my point is that you know yourself, and you have to challenge everything.
Also, my weekly nights out drinking minus children, and not talking about kids really also helps.
It sounds like you’ve already started winning the battle.
As some have said, meds don’t always work, sometimes they do, I know with me it’s been a case of the long slog to find which one does work. Keep at it sugar, cos you’ve got the greatest support system to help you get back on top of things: us!
Sometimes I am amazed at how similar our lives are, Sam… have always been clear back to SM. Yes, there are vast differences in our personalities, but our situations are so similar that sometimes reading your posts are like looking into my own windows (yes, I read them much more than I comments.)
Just know you are not alone in the depression or the feelings ABOUT the depression or even the just settling or accepting…
The best most important thing you can do is recognize it and seek help. You are doing it and we will all be here cheering you on, holding you up, and holding your hand.
Good on you, Sam. keep writing.
There are lots of new drugs out there, and talk therapy can be invaluable.
I’m here for you.
You deserve all that, Sam, and so much more.
Nodding while reading. Am right there with you. Sigh.
Glad you have an appointment. You have to take care of yourself. Hugs.
I’m totally here and waiting for you. I know the feelings you’re having to nearly 100%.
Just know I’m here for you.
I did a post earlier this year about doing actual things other than walking around Target as a family activity. It really did help to just get out with my family and do things that made us all happy.
Hey Sam – I know you’ve been going through a lot lately and I don’t really know what, exactly, to say that would boost your spirits…but I truly do believe that you will overcome this, that you will take your life back. Hang in there.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression for years. It took several tries before we found the “right” medicine for me. Mostly because I hated taking them. I’ve finally decided that it’s no different than taking diabetic medicine or blood pressure medicine. It’s to help me.
I’ve been on the right meds for about 6 months now. Feel great! Have enough energy to exercise a bit (walk 2-3 miles a couple times a week). AND feel like the old me.
HATED that I needed help, but quite frankly that was another issue for ME to deal with.
Keep your chin up.
There is nothing wrong with wanting happiness, with wanting to be able to LIVE your life instead of just existing.
If the help is available, take it. And hopefully you’ll soon get to a point where joy is more than just a memory.
Oh my God I can relate to these feelings. Hope you fell better soon. Good on ya woman!
My mother, sister and I all had PPD after every child. Years after my last baby was born I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Medications are what saved my life. Depression is not a mood, it is not a choice, it is a chemical imbalance in our brains, and a misfiring of neurons. There is nothing wrong with you other than the chemistry is out of balance. Medications can get it all back in balance. You have not failed. You didn’t make this choice.
I know how you feel, I’ve lived that way for years. Please don’t feel shame about asking for help.
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