Surrounded by unpacked moving boxes, I feel claustrophobic. I can’t get motivated to unpack them, search out a spot for their content or enjoy their existence in my life. There are no pictures I want to hang on my walls; walls which are still lacking fresh paint and are littered with scraps of wallpaper reminiscent someonelse’s life. I have no excitement to decorate or mold this house into a home; most days I have no ambition to get out of bed.
I am angry. So angry. All the time. My children are constantly whining, crying, asking questions, repeating “Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?” for what seems like an eternity; they’re begging, bribing and making deals. They’re being – wait for it – CHILDREN yet I find myself reacting quickly without thought. I yell, I threaten and I walk away. I take my aggression out on my husband verbally; he retaliates and it’s a never ending vicious circle of awful and hateful words. Sometimes in front of the kids.
Then the guilt.
The dreaded, unrelenting Mommy Guilt sets in and I find myself wallowing in front of mindless television while I attempt to numb any feeling by way of my emotional eating. It’s only a temporary remedy because it comes back bigger, faster and stronger the next time.
I have dreams. Dreams I fear will never come to fruition due to circumstances which have altered who I am. I used to be an organized and ambitious person. I used to love going out with friends, socializing and meeting new people. I used to dress up, do my hair and love searching out the best outfit. I used to take pride in my work, enjoy my job and have some semblance of professionalism. I never knew the word can’t. Now? Met with even the smallest road block, I give up.
I hate this new me. I hate her with every fiber of my being, yet I do nothing to try and rid her from my life. It’s like watching from a distance as she gives up and slink away, shoulders slumped. I want to yell at her to shape up, take control and love her life; it’s the only one she gets. Take those chances, buy that new outfit, get your hair done; because really? It’s a small price to pay for a little control and happiness.
That girl? She’s a roadblock. She’s keeping me from traveling, seeing my friends, having night’s out and laughing.
Oh, the laughing. We used to laugh all the time. I mean, that’s how this all started (well, she has a HUGE part in it too).
I want to tell her that stress is a way of life: it’s all about how you manage it. She NEEDS to get a grip. She needs to stop yelling at my husband before he’s had enough and gives up. There’s only so much a person can take and it’s really not fair to expect the world of one person. He’s only human. She needs to see that. She needs to see that men just aren’t programmed like women: everyone knows that but her.
Maybe she needs to seek some help that maybe just a general practitioner can’t provide? Maybe someone else can tell her what is wrong and what steps she can take to improve it? Maybe someone else can tell her that medication isn’t the be all to end all and there are other methods to achieve the happiness she so desires?
Maybe she’ll listen to someone else.
:::
Thank you all for your comments on my latest entries. I know you’re there for my and your support means more to me than I can even say. I’ve tried a couple times to go back and respond to comments, but end up writing novels and then deleting them so I gave up.
I’ve made an appointment to also see a chiropractor to try and rid myself of these awful headaches I’ve been getting. From my evaluation she said “She’s got her work cut out for her”. I see her on Saturday for my first appointment. Monday I see my family doctor and I am thinking I should maybe print out these latest entries for her…. I don’t know though. Should I?
Major Bedhead says:
For me, the anger is a huge signal that my depression is rearing its ugly head again. Are you taking an anti-depressant or seeing a therapist? Both have helped me a lot. I know all too well what you’re going thru and it sucks sweaty donkey balls. Reach out for help, as hard as it seems. Even taking baby steps is progress. It’s a slog to pull yourself out of depression alone and it’s hard, hard work.
Hang in there, girl.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:25 am
Karen Sugarpants says:
You’re taking the right steps. You gotta ease up on how hard you are on yourself though honey. I know the beautiful person you are, and I know she is under those layers of anger. Hang in there – perhaps by Monday you’ll have some answers.
Love you.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:46 am
S says:
I hear you. That anger eats you up. I know this as it is eating me at this moment.
I think you are making all the right moves by going to the dr(s). You are taking charge and THAT is what matters.
I am telling myself the very same thing, lol, and going to the dr tomorrow.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:42 am
Melanie says:
Sounds like you’re disassociating. I struggle with this a lot too. I always have to have some alone time which results in cognitive restructuring and then I can function “normally” (whatever that means) again.
Lots of love.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
PLEASE get the help you need. It does help. Really. At least it has for me.
Still, know I’m here for you and love you.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:03 am
Issa says:
Sometimes it’s easier to type that to talk. Saying the words out loud make them true. Or at least in my world. I’d print it. Take it just in case you can’t find the words when you are there.
Tons of hugs honey.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Cat says:
My depression signal is that kind of out of body feeling you describe… I don’t really like this person, but she’s running my life. You need some help, either just in life with the kids and stuff or with medication or therapy or whatever your poison might be
I’d print it because like Issa said, it can be hard to find the words in the moment.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:42 am
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
You DON’T suck!!!!!!! You go, girl. You can do this. We’re all pulling for you!!!
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:48 am
Caroline says:
I say print your entries and take them with you to your doctor. It can’t hurt, and may even help him to understand when you have trouble explaining.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Krystle @snarkykisses says:
I have sent you an email… I started writing it here, but it was a novel.
xoxoxo
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Sara Mc says:
I’ve been following your blog for a while but haven’t commented until today. Today I am because I know what you’re going through. I may not be married w/kids, but the anger and depression I know all about. For me, I felt completely embarrassed talking to a doctor about going on anti-depressants, but once I took that leap, it’s one of the best things I’ve done. It’s very hard to get yourself out of it alone so I sincerely hope going to your doctors will help you out. From reading your blog, you seem like an amazing person that just needs a little help right now. Good Luck! I’m totally pulling for you!
Sara in OKC
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
cait says:
I’ve been reading your blog for a while but never commented but today there were a couple of things I felt I needed to say. The first one is absolutely do not wait on the sleep study, I’d say 90% of my patients site depression and severe headaches as symptoms of their sleep apnea and they always feel much better when they are finally on the right therapy. A cpap is not going to fix everything but it does improve your quality of life. Its hard to get used to and its uncomfortable at first but please stick with it, it will get better. The second is that for me the asking for help was the biggest step in my recovery. I saw a therapist for a very long time and still keep in touch regularly because its not about a one time fix, its about a life time of change and no one and I mean NO ONE can do it alone. There is strength in numbers.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Jenn says:
I agree to print out it out and take it to the doctor. I’m hoping you can find something to help….. living sad and angry is no way to live.
Jenn
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:34 pm
flutter says:
I love you and I don’t love people who suck. So there.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:03 am
Chibi Jeebs says:
“before he’s had enough and gives up. There’s only so much a person can take and it’s really not fair to expect the world of one person. He’s only human. She needs to see that…”
Our “shes” are very similar. The worst thing I do is actually say it out loud (“what if you get tired of my bullshit and can’t take it any more?”), which only serves to frustrate him more. It’s like I can’t stop myself — I’m incapable of keeping my mouth shut, even though my brain is screaming at me to STOP.
I’m seeing my doctor this afternoon. I’m printing out some of the stuff I’ve written in the past little while as “proof” that something is off.
You’re not alone, dear heart. I’m always here if you need an ear.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Devilish Southern Belle says:
Good luck with getting your life back on track. You have a plan, have set it in motion, and sounds like you’re well on your way to achieving those goals.
I should do the same. For the moment, I am trying to find “therapy” in the small things. I know it’s only a temporary fix, but it helps me hold onto my sanity while I figure out what to do next.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:49 am