Blogging always ends up feeling like a job, because no matter how much you may enjoy it, the feeling of obligation seems to be inevitable. Over the past three years I’ve witnessed too many people feeling obligated to the point it’s crippled them and they’ve left for days, weeks, months at a time. I was naive to believe that wouldn’t happen to me. I! Love! Blogging! I! Can’t! Imagine! Not! Blogging! I’m! Going! To! Blog! FOREVER!!!!1!!!!!
So not true.
This past summer, when things went to shit for me – both mentally and personally – I found myself turning to my blog less and less. I felt discontented with the idea of sharing my low points with anyone who happens upon this space. I was concerned that people I thought loved me would be using my words against me behind my back. I thought that there would be emails and chat sessions going on hedging bets on when I would completely lose my shit.
Narcissistic? Yes.
Self absorbed? Yes.
Paranoid? Yes.
Right? God, I hope not.
That’s the joys of putting oneself out there in The Google Cache. It’s a fact of life for a blogger that someone will not like what you said. It’s inevitable, there will be emails, links, chat sessions and DMs about you at some point or another. But, when I was tumbling into that vortex of darkness, I wasn’t okay with that. I contemplated many times pulling this site down and not looking back. Even though there is support in this community (and I am eternally grateful to those whom have been here, willing me on) there is a very dark side to blogging. A dark side which can stifle and rob a person of their will to write. I’ve bared witness to many people share their darkest moments online and seen how the mob mentality can alter the winds of support gravely. Suddenly people are quick to change their minds and begin speculating that it’s all a “show”; for traffic.
We’re a narcissistic bunch, us bloggers. Most of the time, we’re writing with the intent of entertaining a group of people, but some fail to realize that not everything is shared for the sole purpose of an extra couple hits. Not everyone is thinking about how sharing through their difficult times will garner them a new follower or how it will affect an Alexa rating.
For me, the thought of it being assumed I was blogging my difficult times for some traffic seized my ability to put my feelings into words. I didn’t want to be the site where the drama seekers came to find their next train wreck. So I decided I wouldn’t write it out any further; I wouldn’t continue to offer tickets to the show. People would just have to speculate whether I made it through this.
I didn’t write, and you know what? It’s made it worse.
I may not be a fantastic writer, but for as long as I can remember I have written out my feelings, my stories and kept a journal. I’ve forgone the journal for an online version and still, I wrote nothing. Hell, nevermind that, I couldn’t even complete a paragraph and save it as a draft or private post.
I froze.
Not only did I stop writing, I stopped reading. I lost touch with a lot that’s been going on and I felt feel guilty. The Dreaded Blogger Guilt.
The Dreaded Blogger’s Guilt includes side effects of: regret for having 5000+ unread feeds and hitting “Mark All Read”; obsession that every post written on the whole interwebs is about YOU! (see Blogger Narcissism); irrational fears that you’ll never ever write another single entry ever again!
See, NUTSO.
It got to the point I was in tears Monday night (while watching Dog the Bounty Hunter) after I’d obsessed for so long about the fact that I haven’t written anything; and not that I hadn’t written anything for you (I love you, you know that, but this is about me right now m’kay?) but that I couldn’t even squeak out a measly paragraph of anything remotely discernible. (Seriously, ask Karen. I sent her about 1000 words of gibberish talking about puzzles and bitches. It was NOT pretty, and she totally called me on it too. LOL)
But now I’m hopefully back. That shit that’s been eating at me is no longer relevant because I have no control over it and therefore I will not let it get to me one second longer. I am moving forward. I will continue writing and dammit, I WILL be able to poop again.
Side note: Is it just me, or do you find that mental constipation coincides with physical constipation? No, just me? Alright then, moving on.
I’m back bitches.
nic @mybottlesup says:
yay!
October 30th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
Is it weird that all I can come up with right now is a huge FUCK YEAH! and a YOU GO GIRL!
It’s about time. I mean that with love.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
avasmommy says:
Yippee!!! I’m glad you are back.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Chibi Jeebs says:
Well, this bitch for one is glad you’re back. And I’m not just saying that cuz Karen’s bossy.
Love you long time, lady. xoxo
Karen Sugarpants Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I’m not Bossy. She has her own site.
Chibi Jeebs Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
No, but you’re a smart ass who’s making me laugh mine off! LOL
P.S. Sam, I hope you know I’m really glad you’re back & I’m just showing it poorly through inappropriate humour… *blush*
samantha Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Dude. You know me. Inappropriate humour is RIGHT up my alley! xo
October 30th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
PrincessJenn says:
Hugs.
Glad you were able to work through things and decided to come back.
You were missed
Jenn
samantha Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Thanks Jenn!! I’m not totally through, but accepting the fact that there just are things one (me) cannot control no matter how much one (me) wants to.
*hugs*
October 30th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
jennifer, playgroups are no place for children says:
You could not have said exactly what I’ve been thinking any more perfectly. Exactly.
I am going to NaBloPoMo as a way to force myself to write. I’ve been so worried about saying too much that I’ve basically said nothing.
samantha Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Saying too much may be just liberating enough to help you get through and back to posting! LOL It’s a vicious circle.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Matt says:
This is just my opinion — and if you’d not gone through your shit, you wouldn’t have learned the lesson from it — but, hon, there will come a point when you have to realise that worrying what other people think about you doesn’t get you anywhere.
I mean, heck, you said yourself that getting stuff out onto paper has always been your thing. That’s *so* natural. It helps to get things out. And we’ve all been there. I know for a fact that I have. And getting it out on a public space? Scary as fuck. Helpful? Hell yeah.
And so what if people talk about your craziness behind your back? That’s a good thing. The point when your writing becomes interesting enough to talk about? That’s when you know you’re a good writer. A very good writer. That’s when you know that what you say and what you write is discussion-worthy, not just readable. That’s when you know you make an impact.
Let the words flow and try not to be too concerned about other people’s judgements. Ultimately, the ones that love you will stand by you when you say that things aren’t going well. We’re a community, and we stand by each other in times of need. If you let it out, we’ll support you. Promise.
samantha Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Thank you Matt.
Thank you very much for all of that. It truly means a lot.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
pgoodness says:
nice to see you again! =)
October 30th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Donna says:
Nice to have you back.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Issa says:
I am so glad you came back. I’ve been there, more times than I can tell you. Even shut down once. Came back after 18 months. I’ll be honest, it was freeing and awesome. But I missed it so much.
It’s a crazy place, this online community, but it’s awesome too.
samantha Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:16 pm
It’s really crazy, especially how we get sucked in and it becomes SO much of who we are and the people we ‘meet’, some of my bestest friends have come from my computer. LOL
October 30th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Avitable says:
I just got a semi.
samantha Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:17 pm
A semi? As in a transport truck?
I fail to see how that is relevant Adam. *snicker*
(Dear God, Please don’t come back telling me that it’s as big as a transport truck. ROFL)
October 30th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Just Shireen says:
Welcome back, you!
October 30th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Karly says:
Glad you’re back, Sam! My butthole works just fine, but I’m still mentally constipated. So, yeah. It’s just you that can’t poo.
samantha Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Thanks. LOL
I guess the answer is just more fibre. HAHA
October 30th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
MommyGeekology says:
Welcome back!
October 30th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
WhyMommy (Susan) says:
Welcome back! I feel like you haven’t been gone, because you’ve been on twitter … but I have missed your posts.
And I totally hear what you’re saying. But I’ll be here, drama or no drama.
Susan
October 30th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
WhyMommy (Susan) says:
Welcome back! I feel like you haven’t been gone, because you’ve been on twitter … but I have missed your posts.
I do totally hear what you’re saying. But I’ll be here, drama or no drama.
Susan
October 30th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
flutter says:
Love you, babe. You are not a nutso nutbag of nuts. I am glad you’re here.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Sarcastica says:
High fives!
Glad you’re back, and writing. I’m the same way; I’ve ALWAYS had a journal where I write my thoughts, and three years ago I started blogging ~ replacing my paper journal. I have days where I feel like that, but I force myself to write anyway.
Point is, you’re DEFINITELY not alone here! xoxo
October 30th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Mrs. Schmitty says:
Holy Crap Sam! You read my mind! I have been feeling EXACTLY the same way. I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been reading. My reader gets so overloaded with posts from all of the people I love so much that I wind up *gasp* hitting delete and trying to start from scratch. But then it happens again and again. I am so far out of the loop. And I miss it all. Right before I deleted, yet again, I clicked on your post. Weird, huh? I needed to read your post. Thanks.
I’m hoping to be back too, bitches!
October 30th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Patty says:
So glad to have you back my friend!!!! Welcome back and um, like, don’t leave us all alone here again, k thanks?!! We all <3 you! (well, I guess I can't speak for the other biatches, but this biatch <3's you!)
October 31st, 2009 at 1:52 am
NYCWD says:
I totally understand where your coming from. Life happens and the feedreader continues to grow, and then midnight hits and you realize another day has gone by without the time to throw a few coherent sentences together and insert a YouTube video… and you think it was just that day… until it happens again… and again… and again…
It seems almost insurmountable… but you obviously took the bull by the horns and conquered it!
I’m glad you’ve been able to reconnect… hopefully I’ll be able to do that myself too sometime soon.
October 31st, 2009 at 3:52 am
Hilly says:
I’m so glad to see you back and looking stronger than ever.
I’ve been where you were before, believe it or not. A long long long time ago in a different writing realm, but still. It’s easy to let what others think of you define who you are, especially when all they seem to do is cling to the notion that you’re some evil villainess. All of those people that have nothing better to do than sit on Skype and talk shit about other people? They aren’t worth knowing anyway and their opinions certainly don’t mean all that much because they are sheep who haven’t stopped to consider how their actions affect others.
Um, what I am saying is that I am glad you are back and am glad that you were able to push past stuff to get here. You are amazing!
October 31st, 2009 at 9:04 am
Mojo says:
Oh, I know that guilt. The guilt that comes from having (at last count) 3254 comments in the email folder labeled “Unanswered Blog Comments” and who knows how many more in my in-box that will make it there before the day is out. This used to bother me a lot more than it does now. I lost entire evenings — entire weekends – trying to catch up. Because I just knew if I didn’t respond in kind to every.single.comment that I’d become a blogging pariah. that I’d wind up talking to myself in the biggest empty room in the known universe.
And I was wrong. But I had to find this out by being so overwhelmed by the sheer volume that I simply could.not.answer.every.comment. But you know what happened? Nothing. In fact, my average traffic is up. I have more followers now. Sure I lost some. I gained more.
We all started blogging for our own reasons. Those reasons don’t change with the traffic pattern. We think they do, but they don’t. The way we blog does, that’s unavoidable. Because suddenly we’re writing for an audience (Maggie Dammit put this SO much better than I can in a post on Okay Fine Dammit). But the underlying reason we started the thing is still there and still driving it.
My son started a blog of his own not long ago, and featured a post called “Apathy is the Key to Happiness”, wherein he unveiled the discovery that not giving a shit what other people think of you is liberating. (And it only took him 22 years to come to this conclusion. I’m so proud.)
Anyway. Sam, you kick ass. If you never write another word, I’ll still think you kick ass. But I’m really glad that you’re gonna write another word.
October 31st, 2009 at 10:29 am
daysgoby says:
I was so chuffed to see your post pop up in my reader! Welcome back, Sam!
October 31st, 2009 at 11:06 am
Jodee says:
Can I just say I totally relate to everything you said in this post. I have only really started to blog recently and it’s very small very few people read it but can you believe it I still get the blogger guilt. Which is really hilarious considering nobody probably reads my blog. But I have not touched it in almost two months we moved we did not have internet for a little bit. But it’s like once you are away you do feel guilty and then you keep pushing it aside oh I’ll do a post tomorrow.
But I finally said down tonight and banged out something and posted it. I did it for me if anyone reads it great if not great. I am glad you are back because I greatly enjoy reading your blog and I can relate in so many ways.
So glad you are back…. Jodee =-)
November 1st, 2009 at 11:41 pm
matildalucille says:
I am a new follower and i have to say i am so thankful for you and your blog. I’ve clicked from blog to blog and honestly grow so tired of the sugarcoated quality of life that i see; lives that appear to lack sentiment and reality. Lives that seem to profit and grow off the wishes and hopes of others, including me. Thank you for a blog that shows heart, that gives me hope and that shows me that my life is not the only one that is completely chaotic. Thank you for putting that dark side of yourself out there…for showing that things not being perfect is okay, and for making me feel like I am not the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out just yet. I have had a blog for a long time, but have been so fearful of posting anything…thank you for giving me the inspiration I needed and for making me feel okay to be imperfect. I pray strength, hope and good things will come your way. And again…thank you.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:40 am
Mamapumpkin says:
Welcome back! I know how you feel. I’ve had moments of blog death and days where I just want to kill it further. Yet, this year, I’ve had 3 opportunities to take it even more public with the media and I chose not to. I guess I’m just not ready. I’m so open and honest in my blog that sometimes, it’s just scary, ya’know? A toast from me to you – keep blogging and screw those who have shit for brains!
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
WM says:
I feell the same way. Still trying to figure out how to get back in to that rhythm.
Glad you found yours!
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Devilish Southern Belle says:
I’m not sure about the constipation bit, since I lost my blogging groove to mental constipation some time ago and I show no signs of it ever clearing up! There are things to take for the physical, though
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Shawna says:
I’m glad your back. I enjoy your wit, Sam.
I have contemplated blogging again, but something always gets in the way of being able to actually complete thoughts. Things like kids, husbands, dogs… I can’t do it. I cannot find that time to actually hear myself think long enough to write what I am thinking down. Maybe some day, but until then I will just live vicariously through you
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Mo says:
Yay! I’m glad you’re back. It’s tough sometimes—I struggle with what to put out there and what to leave private, but sometimes you just have to write it out. I’ve started writing in a journal again do that. Sometimes it helps and other times it spurs a post, but I’ve learned that keeping it all bottled up makes it so much worse.
I look forward to more from you soon!
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm