I went to bed an hour ago, the days events playing in my mind. The fifteen minutes I wish I could rewind and do-over. The wave of nausea flows over me again and I bolt from bed. I fumble for my glasses as I head to my laptop. My heart races.
Here I sit.
There’s nothing that can be undone.
For years I was able to protect myself from this day. For years I was able to think ahead and proceed with caution; but not today. Today I was fumbling with many emails and as I wrote it, it was just another one. But it really wasn’t. I sent it anyway, and before I realized the damaged that had been done, it was too late.
I had emailed two co-workers the keys to my online life. I had placed, in their hands, all the power to find me EVERYWHERE I am online.
My email signature.
That signature carries the pseudonym which unlocks all of Google cache. It unlocks all the social media and written works I have tried valiantly to keep from being synonymous with my real name. It’s not you, dear readers, that have kept me from using my full name on this site, but it is my colleagues, my peers, and Dr. Google. The people I really don’t want knowing some things about my life. The people whom I face on a daily basis and am not comfortable with knowing about my martial woes or the time I was shot in the chest with shit.
So I did what I thought was best at the time. I email them, again – this time NO SIGNATURE.
I emailed them and mentioned that I realized now there was a signature attached to the last email and that I had been very careful for many years to keep my two worlds from colliding and I fucked up (yes, I said fuck). I told them how important it was to me to keep this quiet and thanked them for understanding.
Then I blocked the entire office IP from my site and locked my twitter.
There was no response regarding any of this incident from either of them. I don’t know if they’ve read between the lines to see that I will SERIOUSLY CUT A BITCH if this gets out any further.
I am a mess about this. It’s hard for me to explain exactly why I am so torn. I am not ashamed about this life I lead online. I am not embarrassed by it, per say. I mean, some engineers and contractors I work with may find it a little childish and hokey. That I can, over time begin to deal with, but my trouble is, as one of the very few females in my industry it’s hard enough to be taken seriously. I feel having my life out there, and them knowing that it’s out there, leaves me in a more precarious position; I feel it will be used against me. I could be wrong, but I dread the idea of showing up at work and having people look at me like they know something but don’t say anything.
That’s what’s going to happen to me now. Every. damn. day. until I am able to just let it go and accept that if they’re relentless enough to keep trying, and unless I keep blocking IP after IP, there will be at least two people who will know a lot more about me than I’d truly like.
Only one time before this has it even come close. I emailed from home using my normal mail account (temptingmama) which I had installed a gmail manager type add-on to. That gave me the power to respond to different email addresses from one account. Little did I know it placed a small blurb saying the email was sent from the temptingmama account ON BEHALF of the other account. Tell me: THE FUCK!?
Stupidest thing ever.
ANY-WAY.
temptingmama is STILL a running joke around the office to this day thanks to one person in our office who received that email.
Did I mention the recipient of that email WAS ONE OF THE PEOPLE I SENT THIS LATEST COLOSSAL FUCK UP TO? Yeah.
Fuck me.
Can I just say, I AM TERRIFIED TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW.
I AM SCREAMING, YES. DEAL WITH IT. THIS IS A DIFFICULT TIME FOR ME.
*breathe*
*breathe*
*WOOOOOOSHAAAAAAWWW*
Dreading work tomorrow, people. Dread.
Fuck me. 11 o’clock already.
***
Dear, Stupid Technology.
You’re a douche.
Love, Me
***
Gah!
Please make me feel better. Tell me about the time you were outed. Puh-lease?
And, I’ll have to read them when I get home since I’ve completely blocked the entire west end of Toronto from accessing my site.
Fuck.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
At least you don’t write a sex blog or how much you hate your work.
OR DO YOU?
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Well…… Um…. I… Uhhh….
*snicker*
No. No I don’t.
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 12:16 am
Chibi Jeebs says:
Dude, I thought I was being all smart setting up a separate Gmail account for Chibi Jeebs; then I got lazy and started forwarding to my “real” account; THEN I kept forgetting to select the correct email address – there’s a handful of you out there who knew my real name FAR SOONER than I was comfortable with.
Much like you, I don’t have a problem with my internet friends knowing who I am: I just don’t want family (or some friends) knowing my online persona. It’s a fear that niggles at the back of my mind all the damned time.
I hope everything’s okay tomorrow and that these two individuals have the decency to keep their mouths shut and act like it never happened. *squishy hugs*
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Everything went just fine at work… so far… we’ll see what happens the next time we have a social gathering – like Friday, at our Christmas party.
And I so understand about the real name stuff. My last name has been given out a couple times, which doesn’t really bother me, except for the link to both blogging and my real name in google. Again, work people. LOL
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Marilyn says:
I can only imagine how freaked out you must be. I considered using an alias and trying to hide who I was when I started my blog and didn’t. And some days I regret not hiding because there’s a freedom there. But then I don’t know if I could handle the stress of being found out. I’m sorry I don’t have some great advice for you. Just wanted you to know I hope your day goes okay and I can totally appreciate how you feel.
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
I never really thought of it as a freedom, but I guess it could be. I’ve never used an alias to hide behind for posting. I’ve always thought of myself as open all the time and owned my words whether their attached to just my first name or my whole name.
Luckily, things went well and nothing was mentioned about it. As far as I know.
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 2:24 am
Lynn @ Walking With Scissors says:
Oh, hon. I truly feel your pain. Truly. I let the cat out of the bag to my sister-in-law a couple of years ago. She then told another “relative through marriage” who proceeded to stalk my blog by visiting 10+ times a day, just to “see what I was up to” and if I was “causing any trouble”. I shut down the whole thing and started from scratch with a new blog, new blog identity, the works. It sucked. I hated having that part of me taken away and having to start fresh. It was worth it for me though, just because of certain crazies.
All of this is not to say that I think you should do what I did!! Unless your co-workers are obsessive-compulsive sociopaths. Which I hope, for your sake, that they aren’t.
Anyway. This probably isn’t helping.
Here’s hoping that your co-workers have the integrity to respect your wishes and keep this private. ((hugs))
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
You’re story made me a little anxious until I LOL’d at the helping part.
Things are ok, for now…. but I just don’t know how long that’s going to be for. I still think I made the right decision to block the office IP from my site though.
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 2:45 am
Melanie says:
I put it all out there. I think we all go through REAL things, and there is no one that is exempt from that. Then again, I only get about 1k hits a month, so I am a little blog. I might feel differently if I were constantly getting hate mail about the things I was blogging.
Hopefully they will forget all about it very soon. Just remember the old adage- “Least said, soonest mended.”
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
I think you’re right about us all going through REAL things. Maybe they would benefit from reading it, but I just can’t handle the thought of going to work wondering if they went through my archives and read that sex story or that depression post, yanno?
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Me says:
I do understand and feel your pain. The same thing happened to me…sort of. And just like you, it’s not that I had any reason to be ashamed. My life is my life…it should be up to me how I live it. Everyone makes mistakes and judgement calls that we sometimes wish we could take back. But I was one of those naive ones who thought that when people are your friends you can actually trust them and when someone seems to be a nice person, they acutally are. Yeah…it sucks to know that the truth is far more brutal. But I had move past it…to stop thinking that everytime I saw people around me they were discussing me or my life, that the looks were not looks of contempt or judgement or of “I know something about you that you don’t know I know.” I have to believe that those who were hurt, though they may not ever forget, have forgiven me. That I have forgiven myself and grown as a person because of it. That I am only human, just as they are. That I don’t judge them because of their choices, mistakes, or decisions, even though I may not agree…I love them in spite of it. If these in question have any decency whatsoever, they will be respectful to your wishes for I am quite sure if the situation were reversed, that you would understand their anguish and protect their “secrets.” If those in question do not…they are bigger douches than technology. Chin up…is does get better, it does get easier. Forgive yourself, don’t beat yourself up…it is a process, but eventually you are stronger, you are better, and you find out who your true friends are. Hoping only good and positive things come your way…you are in my thoughts.
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I think the WORST thing is those that use what they’ve read against you. I am truly sorry that happened to you.
xo
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Karen Sugarpants says:
You know how scared I am for next year and my upcoming career. I feel your pain, sister. Hopefully nothing bad comes of this.
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
You’re going to be fine! I’m sure of it! xo
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Laural says:
Okay. Breathe …
Here’s what happened to me (and I know my site is smaller and I am less open – but to me this was traumatic).
A couple of years ago I blogged about meeting Rebecca Eckler and HBM. A few people here at work knew I had a blog, but never mentioned it.
Anyway, at that point there was a parody site nine gram brain that made fun of Rebecca’s site.
So, I’d written this lovely post about how great the evening was and how great Rebecca is, etc etc.
And then they totally mocked me – and made fun of my name.
And I was FURIOUS.
And I kept checking all the comments on all the sites obsessively. Someone came into my office and saw it all, and shared it with one person who shared it basically with everyone.
And the worst part was that the stuff that was said about me on that other blog was such an accurate mockery of me that it was funny, so I kept getting e-mails about it all addressed to the stupid name they made up.
It was all kind of hellish.
For like a day.
And then everyone focused on my blog and my insecurities. And that sucked.
And I knew they were all reading.
And still read.
So, of course when I was ready to announce my pregnancy with my daughter I just put it there – and everyone found out which you know, whatever.
Fast forward to now … I run our internal blog. So it all worked out.
Kind of.
I’m just really glad I never posted my weight.
I don’t really think this will make you feel better. But, I promise everything is okay now.
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
That made me tear up LD. I am so sorry. That’s so sad that they would do that to you.
And! I’ve posted half nekkid pics from when I was going to do shredheads and then quit. So ya, they don’t need to see those. Ever. LOL
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
mamatulip says:
Ugh, I’d be SICK over something like that. I would manage to work myself up in to such a snit I’d probably shit my pants.
But let me play devil’s advocate – maybe your co workers don’t give a fuck about what you do online. Maybe they’re internet dolts, and don’t even know how to access their own email, let alone your blog. Or maybe they will think your blog is fabulous and offer you some awesome, high-paying position that involves blogging and twittering and the internets.
Good luck.
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Heh. You’re such an optimist. xoxo
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Aimee @ Ain't Yo Mama's Blog says:
I hope your co-workers do the right thing and keep it to themselves. I liken telling people about a personal blog to finding someone’s diary at school and showing it to everyone. It would be childish of them if they do not respect your wishes.
I haven’t been outed only because everyone in my life already knows about my blog. But I still manage to piss people off, so, whatever.
I hope it works out for you!
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Ya, that’s the next hurdle I hope I never face – family reading my site. Ugh. LOL
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Redneck Mommy says:
Argh. I still feel the pain of being outed.
Now I just embrace it and silently cringe every time someone brings it up.
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
You’ve been through so much with your blog coming out. I can’t even imagine. I suppose I should just count my blessings….
*hugs*
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Discretion is my middle name. says:
I know your co-workers and Mama Tulip is right. They won’t give a fuck. They might take a few minutes to read the past few entries, but then they’ll lose interest. (Don’t take offence, you’re blog is fantastic and appeals to a great many people…just not them. It’s not their world. That’s one great thing about being one of the few females in our industry). Now go have a big glass of wine and forget about it!!!
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I find it hilarious that you and Mama Tulip, two of the more paranoid people I know, are totally “aw, they won’t give a fuck” LMAO!
xoxox
See you Tuesday!
(not to be confused with C U Next Tuesday) HAHAHA
Reply
November 25th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
MommyGeekology says:
Yeah, I just recently realized that even from Gmail, some mail programs (like outlook) totally tell you where I’m *really* sending mail from. And that email address just happens to contain my full name. FUCK ME.
I keep my online identity a secret from everyone except my husband. I have a few select friends (not many) who know about MommyGeekology, and I desperately need to keep it that way. I get the panic.
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I think that may be what happened to my email the first time. Stupid fecking Outlook. Hate.
Reply
November 26th, 2009 at 12:42 am
shawna says:
I was spied upon by evil step children whom then had cousins and aunts (my sister in laws) spying on me… and the confronting me! And I didn’t even blog about real personal stuff, only on a couple of occasions did I mention anything about family… they were just fishing for anything to use against me. Sucked!
I eventually shut down my blog… because I got bored with it and I got bored with constantly wondering who was reading it. But at 1st I just went through and deleted anything I wouldn’t want family reading.
Good luck, Sam
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
I remember that. I also remember how hard it was for you. *hugs*
Reply
November 27th, 2009 at 10:28 am
habanerogal says:
These things soon shall pass or else you will become famous and mre fabulous and you can say I knew you when…
Reply
samantha Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Ha! Ya, that would be nice. I don’t know that the universe is big enough for all us aspiring bloggers looking for the next big ticket.
Reply
November 27th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Suebob says:
I’m so sorry that one person is enough of a jackass to tell everyone else. That sucks.
I am personally always amazed at the people who I tell to read my blog (who are allegedly close to me) who “never get around to it.” I’m like, hey, it’s all there, baby, read away…but they are too lazy/uninterested/busy/whatever to actually go and read.
Reply
November 30th, 2009 at 12:42 am
Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy says:
MY mother and basically anyone else in this world I wouldn’t want to read my blog recently found it. Hence my lack of posting anything remotely amusing lately or posting at all. Good luck with this. I’m currently debating closing down shop and starting all over.
Reply
November 30th, 2009 at 3:26 am
Issa says:
Oh babe, you DO NOT want to know what happened to me. Is why I use fake everything now. No pictures, not my kids real names. It’s tiring honestly.
I hope to go they keep their mouth shut for you.
Reply
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Mojo says:
I don’t so much care who reads my blog. Most of it’s just photographs, and I haven’t written anything on it that I wouldn’t stand behind. But it’s a little unnerving when you realize that hey! That’s my full name! And no I DO NOT want you sharing that piece of information with my contact list, if I want them to know it I’ll effin’ TELL them MYSELF. Yoohoo recently pulled this stunt when I accidentally activated a profile I didn’t intend to. Made first AND last name required fields in the web form. But that didn’t stop me from changing the last name — and then hiding the profile. And Yoohoo has the temerity to say “Hiding your profile will make it unavailable to your contacts, are you sure you want to proceed?” And I say to the screen (yes, out loud) “Well it damned well better make it unavailable because I wasn’t planning to make that information public in the first place. Idiot!” But I still have to wonder how many people might have gotten that bit of data before I caught it.
I guess the point is that I don’t so much care who knows what about me. So if my online friends discover my real world identity or my real world friends discover my online identity I’m probably okay with that. But when GoogleHoo makes it their business to broadcast this kind of information without informing me I get pissed.
Reply
December 14th, 2009 at 1:45 pm