I hummed and hawed about writing that obligatory close out post for 2009. Frankly it was a bitch and entirely unworthy of my time. I have never so badly wanted a year to end, but here I am bidding her adieu.

So I said I wasn’t going to write about it, and I’m writing about it. Sue me.

2009 brought so much heart ache to friends and family. 2009 really had nothing all that wonderful to offer personally, professionally, for friends, for family, for the world’s economic condition for that matter. Really? I don’t give a shit, I’m just glad it’s gone.

For me, 2009 meant loss of a beloved family member, and finding others again. It meant finally meeting friends, yet losing some along the way. It made me face one of my greatest fears: trying to figure out if my child was a victim of abuse at the hands of someone we trusted to care from him daily. 2009 brought more pink slips than one would care to shake a stick at.

(Thankfully Mike has been with the same company for about four months now. Not including, of course, the ENTIRE MONTH OF JANUARY BEING A VACATION. Seriously, the company shuts down for a month around Christmas. They give out a bottle of booze and a pink slip at Christmas so the guys can collect unemployment while they get their drink on in January.)

This past year meant I returned to work from a year long maternity leave only to be thrown into a work share program (part time hours instead of laying off staff). Since returning to work I’ve also dealt with my depression rear it’s ugly head again as I struggled to manage my work and home life. It meant turning on my friends and spewing hurtful mean things across The Internets (which I won’t be linking to, sorry) as a means of deflecting the anger onto others instead of where it belonged: on the path of which my life has taken.

I have been a shitty friend.

I have unintentionally hurt people in my life – that I would otherwise have done anything for – because I would not face my own demons. I have lost some of those I thought were close to me and would understand the most. They didn’t and I was wrong to expect that they would be there after the dust settled. I was wrong to expect so much of them.

The only great thing to come of 2009 was the fact that I’ve made it through relatively unscathed. The damage has been done and, for the most part, I’ve made it out on the other side. There are still fences to mend and rebuilding to be done, but aside from that I am certain 2010 will be a better year for us all.

I’m going on another break. I’ve blogged twice in two weeks. That’s enough for another month off, no?

Seriously though? My dear friend, Issa says I take more breaks than Ross and Rachel on Friends.

She’s right you know.

There’s been stuff behind the scenes that have kept me from wanting to write. I tried forever to get passed the mental block by writing it out; by posting (more of) my dirty laundry, to clear the air – give my side of the story. But then I was uncomfortable with airing everything for the world tens of people to read. Not because I felt guilty, but because it’s painful and personal. It’s not something I want to have The Bots shredding up and sharing.

I decided against posting about it, and even though it still eats at me daily hourly, I refuse to write about it openly. Those that were involved know where my heart was (and is). Those that have made it their business to share a one-sided speculative version of what happened are free to believe what they like.

I wanna leave that shit in 2009.

Whoever wants to carry it along with them is free to do so – just stay the fuck off my lawn.

And now that we’ve got that bullshit out of the way, Happy New Year!!

Here’s to a happy and healthy 2010.

Maybe even a couple more consecutive posts under my belt again?