I crave to write. I think about it constantly.
I dream of a finished office space, white furniture with wall-to-wall white shelving filled with my books and my magazines. I dream of pristine walls with a slight hint of turquoise. I dream of a wide open window with lightweight sheers and a white orchid sitting on the sill. I see myself sitting at a glass top desk, lightly tapping out my mediocrity for all of the Internet.
In my head, that space will make it all better. That space will bring me back to the spot where I want to write again. In that space I will work, providing others with their lovely writing spaces while I will begin to remember what it was like when I would write something I was proud of. Something. Anything.
But that space won’t relieve my mental block. That space won’t be a reality for a long, long while – if ever. That space, this space, seems to have met it’s end. Or at least it feels that way.
It’s been months since I’ve been able to write something that others can connect with. The more I read, the more I realize that the need to be really good at what you do is ever more prevalent. As parent blogging changes and morphs rapidly into blogging for marketing and sponsorship, those whom used to write personally are converting and only the strong remain unwavering.
I am wavering. I have no desire to chase sponsorships no matter how much I’d love to be at the next *it* conference. Yet like others, I want to be noticed, adored and READ. (If you’re a blogger and say you don’t care about those things, you’re lying to us and worst of all – yourself. No one puts themselves out on a public stage just because.) But I have long since passed the stage of promoting this site. There is no more clicking around traffic building sites or adding my site to all the “communities”. I don’t work on improving my SEO (search engine optimization), nor do I care how you found my blog.
This blog is now dying. Actually, I believe it’s been dead for a while.
I am no longer – what I believe to have been – a member of the blogging community. There is very little community. It’s a shark tank full of people looking to make a quick buck and get stuff and if you happen to step on some toes to do it? So be it. There are some great people whom I’ve kept in contact with, but for the most part, my blog reader and twitter feed has transcended into white noise. There are fewer voices with a message; there are even less with ones I want to hear. That’s not to say that your writing is falling on deaf ears, rather that it’s just getting hard to discern the heartfelt writing. With FTC regulations, disclosure statements and disclaimers on satirical writing, it just seems so contrived and fake, even though the intention is quite the opposite.
Transparency is a fickle bitch.
As much as we’re transparent about what we’re writing and saying online, it’s behind the scenes where we are the most clouded, contrary and unethical. Talking about people, their actions, their writing, their reviews, their “free gifts”, their sell-out attitudes. I see no disclaimers on the hateful statements spewed back and forth, no transparency in the relationships we are pretending to have.
I am no different.
I’ve sat back and watched for months as I fought my own internal battle of facing the truth. I’ve sat back and debated whether or not I owe you, readers and friends, a statement regarding things that have happened behind the scenes. You know, in the name of transparency. Am I being dishonest with you by not speaking out? Am I making myself appear guilty by allowing those who have spoken out – albeit inaccurately – on my behalf? Because every. single. fucking. time. I take to this keyboard, I stall. I am paralyzed by thoughts of people thinking that everything I write from here on out is a fucking lie because of something they’ve heard elsewhere. I think about the links and the emails flying back and forth saying, Did you see what she wrote now? I can’t believe she said that. What a fuckin’ liar. She is dead to me. After all this and she has the nerve.. Why does she even bother?
Dearest friends have said to let it go. My wonderful and loyal friends have said it nothing to worry about and that I acted out of good faith and love. My good friends, the people THAT KNOW ME are right.
But what about the others? The ones that I concern myself with when they really have shown they deserve little of my time. Why? Why do I give even an iota of shit for what they think?
Because I am human.
I am just like you: I want acceptance, I want love, I want people to care about me too. I want forgiveness, friendship and relationships. Because I am human.
Without transparency I feel I am stifling myself. I can write here over and over that I don’t care what you think and that it’s time to move on, but the truth is I do care, and I can’t move on – because EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. I open this computer I think about the people who have (may have) heard something and are taking it verbatim. I think about the fact that no one has even ASKED my side. People I thought were friends have taken what they’ve heard as gospel and haven’t even given me a chance. It angers me, it hurts me and it’s not fair.
But it’s not only about me and my perceived conflicts. There are people who I KNOW have been talking shit about some people I care deeply for and then they are playing nice to their faces and telling them they have their backs when they definitely do not. I know they say they are friends and “would do anything for them” and then have been calling them hurtful and hateful things behind their backs. You forget, my friends, the internet is very much like high school. Things are said and they DO get back to the people you’re talking about; even if you’re calling someone a “crazy bitch” in jest, it may not be perceived that way in some conversations.
I think we owe it to ourselves – as compassionate, responsible and caring adults to just cut the shit. If you don’t like someone or something they’ve said, so be it. Deal with it. Move on. But the name calling? The hurtful and evil comments about people you *think* you know are really getting us nowhere. Because at the end of the day, has it made your life *that* much better by saying such evil things about someone else? No. Does letting someone know “for their benefit” that a friend of theirs has wronged someone else? No. Because no matter what you say, they will continue to make their own decisions in life and your hurtful words of “concern” and “support” are only going to make you look like that fickle bitch, Transparency.
Chibi Jeebs says:
I have NO clue what is going on. The nosy part of me wants to know, but another part of me is glad for my obliviousness. Either way, I’m sorry you’re going through this, that people haven’t given you the benefit of the doubt – can’t be bothered to hear your side. That’s just shitty all around.
Do you want to tell your side? Will it change anything? Even if it won’t, will it at least make YOU feel better? Because if it will, shout it from the rooftops. Have your say. Be heard. <3
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samantha Reply:
January 24th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Thanks. I’m on the fence really. After so long I fear whatever I have to say would be taken as contrived and a thought out lie. I just need to be vague right now and maybe that will be enough to get me past it.
XO
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January 24th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Lisa says:
I’m oblivious to what is going on, but I completely agree with everything you are saying. The internet, especially the world of mommy bloggers, is so much like high school. I have stayed on the fringes because I don’t want to get sucked in, I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want people I’ve grown to care about get hurt. Staying on the outside has helped me avoid a lot of the drama, but it has also meant that I’ve been unable to build the really strong relationships that some others have built. What I would love to see is for all of us to act like adults and treat each other with respect. You don’t have to like everyone, just don’t interact with those you don’t like, but when you do encounter them treat them with respect.
You said it all so beautifully. And I hope you are able to move past whatever is going on and get back to writing because I’ve always loved reading your stuff.
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samantha Reply:
January 24th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
Avoiding the drama is a necessity in the blogging world. There’s just so much of it that it really sucks the fun out of it. No matter who it’s about.
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January 24th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Mary Jo says:
I have to agree with Chibi… I have no idea of the drama you’re going through. I’m a more recent follower of your blog, but I do enjoy it. And as far as connecting, I connect with this post. I’m a blogger, and as much as I would love to be the next Dooce and able to support my family with a blog, I won’t ever be.
Tell your side if you need to, if it would help.
Take care!
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January 24th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
J. says:
I prefer to remain oblivious in most cases. It’s a happy place
So yeah, I have no idea what’s going on with you.
I DO know that this is an awesome post – no block here missy!
I’ve pretty much stopped ‘personal’ blogging. Not for any other reason than I just wasn’t comfortable with it. Now, if I have something personal I want to say, it’s protected and the only people to read are the people that I know and matter in some way to me. Other posts are just plain private, for my eyes only, and help me when I need to ‘write something out’. I’m liking it this way.
I enjoy reading you. I don’t much give a shit about other people’s opinions
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January 24th, 2010 at 3:31 pm
Unplanned Cooking says:
I hope you keep blogging. Even if you get stuck temporarily. If you keep going you’ll eventually find your way back. At least that’s what I’m hoping (I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels, too).
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January 24th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Kate, aka guavalicious says:
Like most of the above people, I have no idea what you are referring to. Though I am sure all of us have been involved ins something similar in real life if not online. I am a recent reader of your blog, having followed your link from Twitter.
I just recently starting blogging but a lot of what you said puts into words my own conflicting feelings about writing online.. What is it that I hope to accomplish? Do I want to make it into something or do I just want to write because I like it?
Would I love to get free products and trips? Of course I would. But my time to really focus and write is already so limited that I don’t want to spend it crafting the kind of content that begets swag and sponsorships. And who really wants to read that stuff anyway? It all sounds the same.
I do hope you keep on writing. It is getting harder and harder to find authentic voices on the web. Keep yours out there.
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January 24th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
Karly says:
I get where you’re coming from with being stuck and confused and wondering what happened to blogging, but the rest of it? The drama part? I am lost. Also, I am nosy. Spill it, lady. Who said what and would you like me to punch them?
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January 24th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
You know I’m here.
I tend to like to stay in the dark when it comes to hurting other people (unless, you know, they’re full-on shit stains who deserve it, but there are so few of them).
I hope you can come back to find your voice and speak your mind without fear.
Also, fuck all them hos, I’m goin platinum!
(That’s Kid Rock’s advice. I live by the word of the Rock.)
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January 24th, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
I did cut the shit. A while ago actually, once I finally got to the bottom of everything. I cut people out who were unforgiving and downright mean. If I missed a few, it’s because I’m trusting that they have made up their own minds to either stop the gossip when it fell on their ears, or that they have decided to stay out of it like grown ass people should.
I know who my friends are, and that’s all I really need to know.
As much as I want to protect you from what happened, I can’t control the fact that you need to see for yourself that you don’t need friends like that. You don’t need friends that judge you based on twisted stories and assumptions and gossip.
I wish I could give you the strength to let it go – but it’s up to you to get to that point.
Love you. Now cut the shit.
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samantha Reply:
January 24th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Leave it to you to say it like it is. That’s why I love you so much. You’re a good friend.
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Karen Sugarpants Reply:
January 24th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
YAY! Get on the CTS Train! I’m the motherfucking conductor of that motherfucking train.
Also, I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking train! They need to be gone, before someone drops a house on them too!
Okay now I just sound like a nutjob. Great. Crazy bitch.
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samantha Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 7:00 pm
Toooooot toooooooot. ALL ABOARD! This muthafuckin’ train is about to leave the muthafuckin’ station!!
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January 24th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
Headless Mom says:
Yikes. Like most others above, I have no clue what you’re talking about. But, Like Karen said, you have to get to the point of being over it.
I certainly hope that no one would ever write a post like this with me in mind. Money? A little helps but nothing is worth alienating the community that I’ve become a part of, and THAT is why I started blogging. My friendships are worth more than that.
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samantha Reply:
January 24th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
You’re too sweet and nice for anyone to even THINK something like this post about you. LOL
XO
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Headless Mom Reply:
January 24th, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Thanks, but you know what? Who knows what ’someone’ might say? If ‘they’ say it about one, they could say it about any.
Nevertheless, consider me one that ‘has your back’ and hopes you continue to blog, no matter how infrequent!
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January 24th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
flutter says:
You know what, Sam? All of my interactions with you have left me thinking one thing: That chick is fucking awesome.
So now, I shall jump on the “cut the shit” train and join you in flipping off all the assholes who want to cause you grief.
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Karen Sugarpants Reply:
January 24th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
DUDE. THANK YOU. She needs to hear this.
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January 24th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
PrincessJenn says:
I think part of the problem is we expect the blogging community to somehow be different than real life. And it hurts when we find out that no matter where you turn there is always going to be politicking, gossiping, and hate mongering.
What I’ve realized is that, at the end of the day, the people I still talk to are the ones that matter. And the only opinion that matters is my own.
(hugs)
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samantha Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
You’re a wise woman, Miss Jenn. If only I were able to shun the haters and move on. I don’t even know why I care.
But you? I love you and I am so glad to call you my friend.
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January 24th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
Miss says:
Sometimes I think I’m the only one who struggles too much with what everyone else is doing. And then I remember that there are nasty people out there who are so unhappy with themselves that they feel the need to bring others down to their level. I hate that it exists but its there. I’ve tried hard in the last year to cut those people out of my life and I hope that you can find some peace of mind by doing the same.
You know what also helps? UNFOLLOWING SPREE.
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samantha Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
I cleared out my twitter feed on Sunday. It was rather liberating.
I am a true Canadian, I care too much about other people and sometimes it just gets me in trouble. LOL
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January 25th, 2010 at 3:00 am
Hilly says:
I don’t think you owe jack shit to anyone. I hate to get all preachy up in this bitch yet seriously, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.
The thing that bloggers forget when they are roasting another person?” How much awful, behind the scenes and damaging stuff they’ve done themselves. Trust me, I know things about people’s actions that could bring them to their blog knees and yet, because I am classy and not a hurtful person, they remain locked in my head.
That being said, if you ever find your love of writing again, there are those of us out there who do not conform to one group or another. We just write. I hope one day you can find the joy of blog without having to succumb to stupidity any longer.
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samantha Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 6:59 pm
*hugs* Hilly, you are one wicked awesome bitch. I love you.
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January 25th, 2010 at 8:19 am
pixielation says:
I have no idea what this is really about, but I’ve seen that high school behaviour before – normally in bulletin boards and forums. It’s astonishing how childish some adults are.
Now I blog because I want to write better. So of course I want people to read me. And I want them to like my writing.
If I don’t like someone’s writing, or the content of their blog, then I don’t read them.
But I don’t see the point of talking about what I don’t like in my blog (well, other than twitter!)
I don’t care about sponsorship. I don’t read review blogs, and I hate comercialism in blogs. I hope you do get your love of writing back, because writing is is good when it’s personal. That’s when it works best.
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January 25th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Hockeymandad says:
I don’t know all the details, but I think I have a general idea. There are loads of great words in the comments before mine and they are all true.
There are 2 directions you can go with your blog. Either you do a commercial site with reviews and opinions of products and ads and the whole she-bang. Or. You write a journal type blog that is for yourself and not intended to be for anyone else.
On my own blog, I write for me. I rarely ever check stats nor do I care about them. I have done some product reviews but only for things that are for my children. I turn down a bunch of things because my blog is my place to write and share. It’s certainly not full disclosure because my mom reads it and there are some things I cannot say around her just yet, but it’s still my space.
There are people out there who don’t get that. To them, you just must ignore. They are the same people that complain about what a DJ or talk show host says on the radio or television. They forget that they can change the channel and feel the need to be ugly and vocal about things. Personally, I think they are just leading empty lives and have a need for conversation.
All you can do is make it your own. Screw anyone that can’t handle it.
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January 25th, 2010 at 11:14 am
NYCWD says:
I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way awhile ago… my solution was to actually branch out into a different section of the blogosphere. A section that I have firm roots in the offline world and yet is still young in the online one.
Is there less drama? Less pettiness? Less hurt? Less focus on selling of ones self and more focus on selling of ideas and thoughts? Absolutely. It’s more of a professional setting and much less stressful.
Of course, it’s also boring as hell. That grass… not always as green as you may have thought…
Just sayin’.
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samantha Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 7:01 pm
ROFL, Dawg. I wouldn’t mind some boring-ass brown grass for a little. LOL
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January 25th, 2010 at 11:31 am
Laural says:
I don’t know the drama. And, seeing as my blog is small and I’ve never tried to join “communities” per se, I don’t have any involvement in any drama.
Having said that, my advice? Write for yourself.
I like when you write. I connect to a lot of what you are saying. That’s why I read you. Drama is drama, and there’s way too much of it out there to be totally involved.
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January 25th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
amanda says:
How I have searched for my trucker-mouthed brethren and here you bitches are! I am so sorry. I am always one to get hung up on what’s fair and right, so glad I have kept that fourth wall up. Middle school don’t touch me through the screen. Here’s hoping you get some nice minty love to swish out what Monday left in your mouth.
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samantha Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
You’re ALWAYS welcome to slum with us trash-mouthed behemoths. Oh, and I mean behemoth is the nicest possible way, of course.
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January 25th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Issa says:
I hide in corners, so I know nothing.
What I do know, is that I’ve been doing this a long ass time. There are some people who got to the top by being that way. I know who a lot of them are, because I started blogging when they did. Is it worth it? I don’t know. Maybe it is for them. It’s shiny at the top. Real shiny. There are trips and gifts and who knows what else. It’s way to much drama and back stabbing and crap for me to even want to consider it. Honestly, I don’t want it.
Do I hope you stay and continue blogging? HELLZ YES!!!! Because I for one thing you are awesome.
If it helps, call them all out. If not? Well love, there is room in my corner if you’d like. There are nice people here. People who make it all worth it. People who will listen, hand hold and let you cry all over them. But I promise there are no free gifts or trips over here. it’s not shiny. It’s not glamorous. But the couches are still comfy and the cookies fresh.
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samantha Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
I friggin’ love you.
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Issa Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
I love you too lady. *hands Sam cookies*
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January 25th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Kelly says:
Like so many of the others before me, I also have NO idea what you’re talking about with the drama. If you need to tell your side, then tell it. Fuck the rest of them. It amazes me (it shouldn’t, but it does) how petty and bitchy and high school like the blogging world can be. There’s still cliques, still the cool crowd, still so many of us standing on the sidelines because we don’t feel good enough to jump in on the conversations happening between the popular bloggers. But there’s a small difference between high school and now. I see the people on the sidelines, the honest, friendly, sincere bloggers, forming their own group. And no one is excluded from it. Instead of us all wandering around lonely, we seem to be finding each other. And I have a feeling that we’ll realize that being popular doesn’t matter, and that we should NOT be intimidated by that group. It’s the friendships we allow ourselves to build that matter. Shit… didn’t mean to ramble on like that. I’ll go back to my corner now
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samantha Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 7:06 pm
No need to apologize for rambling.
I think life is rather boring without gossip, and we’re all here because, frankly we hate boring. Otherwise we’d be content to sit home in our little glass houses and watch the grass grow.
It’s human nature to enjoy a little gossip and divulge in a little conflict. The part that’s hurtful is the lengths people can, and do, go to in order to make it a little more interesting.
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January 25th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
nic @mybottlesup says:
i found myself not only nodding without realizing it while reading your entire post, but also in reading EVERY SINGLE FUCKING comment.
*continuing to nod and at the train stop*
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January 26th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Mo says:
I hated high school because of all the bullshit and drama, and blogging seems a lot like that. Some people never grow up and some people always need to pick on others to puff themselves up. I generally stay on the sidelines of the blogging community so I have no idea what’s going on. But there are plenty of people who stay out of the crap and who will be here for you. I love your blog, and I love your writing. And there are tons of us who will keep coming—no matter how infrequently you write!
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January 26th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
Allyson/@HBMomof2 says:
{Standing and applauding}
All Aboard! I am on the CTS train and I don’t have a clue what the hell you are talking about either. One way I CTS is that I stay away from twitter. So much gets clique-y and quickly and everyone on the sidelines feels unheard. I hate unheard. If I want to be ignored I will talk to my kids.
I am not a blogger, I am not a writer, I am not a gossiper about people I don’t know. I suffer from depression, low self esteem and children who sometimes drive me nuts. I am a mom, who was looking for other moms to connect with via twitter. Some of what I saw was cruelty and conniving. I also found some friends and good people. I lurk now and then, but now I read blogs of people that I found with whose writing I connect. You are at the top of that list. I will read whenever you post and please don’t let the drama get you down or make you quit.
My #9 New Year’s Resolution: “Don’t let the bitches get me down.” Your internet is my school parking lot.
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January 27th, 2010 at 3:14 am
Kellee says:
I really have no clue what is going on, but OMG did that sound like high school. As adults, can we not just cut the drama? I’m sorry you’re dealing with shit. I know it’s never simple or straight forward, and even if you were to clue us in on what happened it wouldn’t be the whole story. I hope you’ll not let it stifle you further, though, that’s like letting the terrorists win.
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January 31st, 2010 at 1:41 am
Lisse says:
This bums me out. We talk/write so much about how supportive the blogging community is, and then it turns out to be not that far removed from middle school.
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February 2nd, 2010 at 1:52 pm