Work is crazy nuts right now. It’s great since only a few months ago we were on a work share program and now we’re hiring new people because work’s picked up so fast. I am a Project Coordinator for a small (under 20 people) company. I’ve been with the company since its inception, May, 2003, and though I have been with the company longer than anyone else, I feel as though I am the least important member of the team. Two maternity leaves have seemingly pushed me to the outer rings where some days I find myself feeling as though I am quickly moving closer to dismissal.
Upon my return from my latest maternity leave there were a number of new staff members and a completely re-invented policy and procedure program. I struggled with balancing my home and work life while learning about my company as though I were a new employee. It was a little demoralizing and hard at best.
For the first two months back to work, I struggled. I struggled so hard with having both my children in daycare and pretty much working solely to pay for that daycare. After eight and a half years of dedicated work, I went back with my first two weeks broken up into part time shifts because daycare had messed up placement for Carter to return to a full time slot. I then missed numerous days to stay home and care for them as illness was rampant through the centre.
After all those years of dedication, I was called into my boss’ office and put on notice that I better shape up or I was out. It all came down to roughly three and a half weeks of REALLY shitty quality of work – or complete lack of work, never mind all those previous years of traveling and overtime. I felt as though I was given the short end of the stick because I wasn’t on my game as soon as I stepped foot in the office after a year’s leave. And as truly terrifying and sad it would be to find myself out of work, I was (am) shockingly comfortable with the thought. I absolutely love the industry that I’m in and the experiences I have, I just miss my babies so much. Being downsized or laid-off, seems like it would be a godsend some days.
Since The Talk, things have improved drastically and I feel, after almost a year back to work, I am somewhat back in the loop. But still, for some reason I find myself feeling more and more susceptible. I keep feeling like any wrong move I make will be reason enough to hand me notice and get me out the door. I just don’t have the confidence in my job that I once had.
Paranoid. There’s really no other way to explain what I’ve been feeling. I am completely and utterly paranoid.
Never in all my life can I recount a moment that I’ve felt this way. I’ve dealt with extreme self consciousness – like walking down the “Senior Hall” in high school trying to avoid eye contact and falling on my face as I passed through what felt like a million pairs of eyes watching and judging.
But paranoia? Doesn’t even compare. It’s debilitating and soul crushing. Questioning every move I make on a daily, hour, minutely basis is tiring. So tiring.
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Honey child, you got one hell of a decision to make.
Can you guys make it w/out your money?
Can you pick up more design gigs to offset the loss of income?
How much would you save by having the kids in 1/2 daycare or no daycare?
In my experience, if you’re this stressed and constantly looking over your back, you brain’s telling you things just ain’t right.
I hope you find some much deserved peace cause that shiz sucks.
*sigh* we’ve mulled over those options more times than I can tell you. Unfortunately, nothing I do online will compensate enough.
Okay, well, not nothing – but whatever I am willing to do… LOL
But, ya. In my field it’s just not one that I can leave and pick up again once the kids are older. I think I have to just work through these next couple years and deal with this, internally. I’ve never before felt that I didn’t have job security. Until now. It’s really not so great.
XOXOX
If things are picking up for you guys, are they picking up for other companies? Can you quietly start looking for another job?
If I remember correctly, we’re in the same industry. I was miserable at my last job, to the point that I was prepared to take a sizable cut in pay just to get out. I know you guys can’t swing one income, but maybe one and half plus some added job happiness for you might work?
I’m sorry, love. Stressing about work blows. <3
I have been feeling more and more paranoid at my job too… I don’t know why; maybe it’s because we’re so busy and delirious and everything
fucking hold my hand while I jump out the windowcrazy. Whatever it is, I don’t know but I do the neck snap/twitch/head spin around as soon as I hear someone walking or catch a glimpse of them walking past my cube.I hate it, I hate it, I hate it… but it’s going to get better. It has to, right?
XOXO
The paranoid feeling is a horrible one. I get the same feeling at my job. I’ve been told not to worry, but I still feel as if I just don’t know for sure whether my job will be there for me from day to day.
I hate to say I understand, but I do. And it completely and utterly sucks nuts.
ugh. I’ve kinda been there – no, totally have been there. Oddly enough, I don’t know what you do for a profession. In time, I was able to break away from the corporation I was working for and started working for myself. I now work part time, and don’t make even close to what I use to, but now I work from home, without daycare, which is worth something.
I hope *pray* you can figure out what works for your family.
Love you….
Oh Hai! Just had to stop in and wave to you.
Hey, I do know this feeling of being worried. When I worked full time and did not have kids I never really worried about my job but once I had kids I worried a lot. The dreaded call from the day cares to come get them b/c they are sick. I think it’s sad that moms that work have the added stress of looking over their shoulder when they are trying to balance work and a family too. I hope it gets better and something works out. big hug!
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