My upbringing was probably a pretty traditional one: parents divorced when I was really young, one sibling who I fought with constantly, low to middle income of which I was completely unaware since I sucked at math. The early 80′s were very much the time that kids did their thing while the parents did there’s. I remember rarely being accompanied by an adult as I rode my Big Wheel bike throughout the tiny townhouse subdivision where we lived with our mother. We would be out with our friends at the ages of 5 and 6 until the street lights came on, of course.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, but in some way it’s obviously affected me because, well, I’m writing about it.
There were a few rare occasions when my mom would play with us, but for the most part, my brother and I depended on ourselves and our friends for entertainment. She’s always been protective, but not entirely hands on. There, but not. I’m beginning to notice it more and more in myself these days. I am finding I partake little in my kids’ lives, in their fun and laughter, and parent from the sidelines.
I’m here, but not.
They make their games around me. Their laughter is just background noise. Their fun doesn’t include me.
I’ve fallen into this pattern, or routine, of a life I swore I wouldn’t have. I’ve been watching my children play and grow. Rather than being a part of their lives, I’ve been watching from the outer realms of their existence; merely a fixture.
I was often left to my own devices as a child. I was to entertain myself and not become a bother to the adults. I am seeing that in how I am raising my children. They are merely here as we live in parallel universes with small but frequent interaction. It unintentional, but the realization is so painful it’s hard to breathe.
I’ve unknowingly began a journey down a path I have no desire to be on. I never wanted this for myself or my children. The idea of just doing to get by makes me ill. Fighting through each day only to start all over the next. Same boring routine, same boring days which seem to meld into one and before you know it, the weekend has arrived and you’re just too tired to play even a half assed game of cars. Seeing my kids for a total of 2 hours a day is killing me.
Seeing the income tax statement from the daycare today was an eye opener.
From when I returned to work in May, until December, 74% of my gross income has gone towards daycare costs.
Essentially I am paying to work. I am paying to sit on the sidelines of my childrens’ youth.
It’s a painful kick to the gut.
I’m winded. I’m lost. I’m tired.
{ 25 comments }
If you read over your last couple of posts they are all about working too much. Quit, find another job where you work less. This is your life and you only get to do it once. There is a theme here, a theme that says you want to quit your job. Can you sell a car? Get rid of cable? Watch shows on the Internet? If you give 75% of your income to daycare. What does the other 25% go to? Can you find 25% of expenses to give up? You just seem so unhappy.
Jenn
I am unhappy at the moment and writing about is kinda helping me through. I am sure (hoping) it will be short lived and once things settle down at work and the kids move up to school programs, the burden will be much less.
It hasn’t helped that Mike’s been off work for 7 weeks either. There’s a lot of stress and pressure all around.
Do I sound like I’m trying to rationalize it?
lol
I’m with Jenn. There’s a ton of blogs out there that focus on personal finances that will have tons of info to help you get to a place that you can either not work or at least find a better solution.
I want to see the smiling face that Schmutzie posted, and it sounds like it’s not there.
Oh! and I’ll dm you an article that might be a good starting place.
((hugs))
Got your DM and I am very grateful. Thank you, friend. XOXO
This is precisely why I chose to be a stay at home mom; I knew that most of my gross would go to childcare.
Sending you a sympathetic hug…
Hugs are HUGE. Thank you!! I could sure use LOTS of those!
It sounds like the daycare statement only confirmed what you’ve been feeling. I’m sorry I have no advice, just sympathy and faith in you that you’ll find a better path for your family.
That’s paradox of two-income families, Sam. We had the same situation back when my kids were in daycare. Look at it this way, once they get of school-age, it’s like getting a raise.
Well, THAT will be one hell of a raise, won’t it? LOL Thanks Kev!!
This is very common. You are not the contents of your wallet, your stuff should not own you. One word: Simplify.
Simplification takes time, my friend. When there’s a mortgage, car loans, student loans, etc. they cannot all just disappear because I decide it’s time to stay home with my children.
I hear you.
I wish I had some fantastic advice. I don’t. I like work, so that’s what keeps me here. Oh, and the money
When I’ve struggled with the work-life balance issue I’ve been able to give it a couple of months and then it balances and I’m happy.
If you’re not – see what else is out there.
Thanks Laural! Ya… first I went back and couldn’t seem to manage my home life, now it’s the opposite and I feel just as guilty. The tipping scales are almost impossible to balance. Someone is always disappointed. *sigh*
I am praying for some balance.
When we were growing up, our mother never hung out with us. She spent all her time reading.
See, it’s not necessarily bad. I had A LOT of fun with my friends and no parents. LOTS. I’ve just always wanted to be a hands on parent and to step back and see that it’s not happening that way was a little painful, yanno?
I know what you mean by parenting from the sidelines. It’s a conscious decision we have to make to be both involved, but also to let them create their own entertainment. Such a fine line.
Also, I want you to get a break. Some rest. Some relief.
I love you and I don’t want you to break.
I love you, friend. Lots! XOXOX
How I understand the struggles of working outside the home. I’ve spent many a day agonizing over how I wish I could stay at home and be with my children more. Unfortunately for us it’s not a possibility. I am the only with a job that offers healthcare insurance and besides we have child support to pay. Moving further away where it might be cheaper is not an option because it only takes us further away from my stepdaughters which makes visitation harder. As it is they already live 1.5 hours away.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, just to let you know that I really really understand and it’s hard. Very hard. Simplifying is not as easy as it sounds. There are always other factors.
That said I know for now I must work and when I really get to low points I simply tell myself I’m doing it for my family. And when I’m home I try and make every moment count. And in those moments where I’m really tired and want to just tell my kids “we’ll play cards another time”. I make myself play by reminding myself that this time I have now is precious. They won’t always want to play cards with me. I owe it to them to do this. I think about how little they really are asking of me.
Please don’t misinterpret this as “you should do what I do I know everything” because I know I’m far from knowing it all. I ‘m merely trying to convey that I’ve been there. I am there. And it’s incredibly hard. But it’s so fixable. Life is not perfect . We do what we can and ultimately only you know what’s best for you and your family.
XO!
We’ve also discussed moving to a small, less expensive town (prior to buying this house, of course) and it’s not feasible for the line of work that we’re in. Quitting seems, to me, like an easy way out. Something gets difficult, so quit, but that’s not me.
Life is all about balance, and when it’s off everything suffers.
I wonder if you could get a job where you bring home the same amount as the 25% you get to keep, but work at night when you won’t have to pay a sitter? Same money, days free to be with the wee ones. They’re with a parent all the time.
Well now, look at that. I’ve just solved your crisis. You’re quite welcome. Anytime.
ROFL! Where were you 7 months ago?
I hear you. Hope you can find the solution. And less stress.
my eyes filled up reading this. I grew up the same way, except my mother didn’t let me out of the house or my brother. I was responsible for him basically and I think I resent that to this day. I recently took a look at myself and what’s become of me as a mother. Sitting by watching the kids play, keeping themself busy because that’s what I knew. Play, get outside, stay in and play a game or just take the time to sit and interact. You are right, it is so exhausting. I feel for you hun. I truly do.
WOW…..your posts say so much. I was really saddened reading about your early life – being left to your own devices…..I was lucky in having a stay at home mom who was probably too much into me ….but then alas she got sick with RA and lost the use of her hands when I was about 12, leaving me to instantly become Jr. Mom to my four younger sisters. By the time she was 40 she was in a wheelchair. Once I asked her what she would wish for if she had one wish. She told me “to be able to sit on the floor and play with the kids”, (her grandkids). I was amazed that she didn’t say use her hands or be able to walk. I survived and my four sisters, dad and I took care of my mom until we lost her in 96 when she was 52. I was so exhausted back then, with two small kids, a job and my mom completely dependent needing care. I was so stressed back then and remember putting the kids off…..it pains me greatly now. You’re so busy doing all the stuff to keep things going …shopping, laundry, cleaning, that the days just blur…and the years go by and then one day they drive themselves to school and you can sleep in and I’ll tell you that you really miss those little guys. Mine are 26 and 24 now. They tell me now they have the best parents they could ever imagine, that we were always there for them, and they’re so grateful. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you may be being too hard on yourself. In many ways it’s an impossible to keep up exhausted beyond belief time, but in some ways it’s the best time in your life. Please cuddle those kids and love on them and play with them, tickle them until you hear those great laughs like they’re going to pee their pants. It’s one of the most wonderful sounds I know. I was just looking at your blog designs and they’re fabulous. I would love to have you design one for me and wonder if you could do more of this, maybe create & sell templates at some of the digital scrapbooking sites and stay home with your kids and have DH watch them while you work. I did that for years and it helped. It’s never easy but you don’t have so much guilt and your sick kids can stay home and have a summer vacation and they will remember having mom at home with them…even if you have to work and are sssshing them. If you have support, someone you can trust, have them take the kids for a while. You need to have some time to just nap, catch up on things, a couple of hours here and there will work wonders. I do that for those in my life with the little ones and love it. I get to play and have special time with the kids in my life and give their caregivers a much needed break. Hang tough….you’ll make it…..
Wow. that sounds so tough. the only advice I could even try to give is: let the house get a bit dirty, playtime is more important.
But I’ll wish for you to catch a break soon, to have some more rest, and more time with the kids.
*hugs*
Comments on this entry are closed.