My five year wedding anniversary is Friday. We’ve been a couple for ten, so to say five sounds like we haven’t been together all long. It’s like taking away the other half. When people ask how long we’ve been married and how old Carter is (five this summer) I can immediately sense them calculating the months (the answer’s four) and, to me, feels like our marriage is cheapened by the fact that his birth date is so close to the day we were married . I know it’s really insignificant, but it’s something that bothers me, because ten years makes it sound like we know what we’re doing whereas five sounds like we’re still newlyweds with a young family who chose to marry because we got pregnant (which is so not the case).
I’m happy to say we’ve reach this anniversary of wood.
Heh. I said wood.
Because the road to wood has been rather bumpy and rough.
Heh. I said bumpy and rough while talking about wood.
Get it? Wood. Bumpy. Rough.
Nevermind.
I would be dishonest if I told you that we’re happily married and everything is coming up roses, because it’s not. We’re not. There are no motherfucking roses to speak of most days.
I love my husband greatly. I love him more than chocolate, and that says a lot – ask him, he knows. But what I don’t love? The constant, unforgiving battle of wills. It’s like we both refuse to let the other lead. He grew up in a house of women. Being the only man can wreak havoc on your masculinity (or so I assume) and even though he’s just about the Manliest of Manly Men, I think taking direction from yet another woman is like, the ultimate pet peeve for him. I, on the other hand, grew up in a single parent home where my mother taught me I do not need a man to get by. I don’t need a man telling me when I can and can’t go buy a new pair of shoes. I work I can buy my own fuckin’ shoes whenever the fuck I please.
Ahem. I’m projecting, sorry.
So we’re at a cross-road. A cross-road that is threatening to dead-end at each and every turn if we don’t get our shit together.
Compromise: this is something either of us know very little about. I can’t speak for him (and he won’t tell me because that would be sharing feelings and men just don’t do that. Not Manliest of Manly Men.) but I feel like I sacrifice a lot. I don’t travel for work anymore because I am now the primary care giver. I take the heat at work when the kids are sick; I have to tell my boss, no I can’t stay late because I have to get to the daycare; I do the pick-up and drop-off every day since his end-of-day is rather unpredictable. I put in hour upon hour of time trying to keep this ship afloat. And, I feel wronged when I come home from work to see – after a nice restful sleep (since he’s on nights lately) – he is sitting in his comfy jogging pants dicking around on the computer while it’s ten-to-six and I’ve just sat in rush hour traffic to get to daycare where I had to rip two small crabby children from the daycare playground in order to get them home in time so I can make it to my chiropractor appointment.
I get mad. Then, I want to get even.
So I pull the same shit on him.
Sometimes, I ignore the fact that it’s dinner time and make him get up and prepare it. I don’t offer a hand. I leave laundry – that for some reason can’t find its way to a hamper – sitting on his side of the bed and wash mine and the kids stuff instead. (For the record: It’s been a month and he hasn’t touched the clothes and neither have I. The pile continues to grow and he continues to casually step over it. Every. Fucking. Day.) UPDATED! We compromised today! He washed his clothes, I folded them and he put them away. Compromise FTW!!
In an effort to “teach him how it feels” I am actually doing myself more harm than good because he doesn’t even realize all the times that I actually do stuff but only remembers that time I didn’t.
And it’s a revolving door of shit slinging and treating each other like crap.
Fun times.
One morning, two weeks ago, I woke up. Literally. Out of nowhere, I decided that I was sick of living my life waiting for Mike to make a move; waiting for him to wake up and ‘get it’. I am going to lead by example rather than try to make an example out of him. I will take the high road and do what I have to in order for myself and my kids to be happy. I will do what I can to support him and try my hardest to see that he does try rather than nit-pick about what he’s not doing or how he’s doing it. Because, you know what? We’re not perfect. We’re human and we (I) need to learn to accept that neither of us (he’s) not perfect either.
And no matter how many times I wonder if I married too young or even married the right person, it doesn’t matter because whether it’s him or another Mr. Right, it’s inevitable he will eventually leave his skid-marked underwear on the bathroom floor.
{ 26 comments }
It’s SO HARD. I’m always torn between leaving the damned vacuuming he said he’d do TWO WEEKS AGO because he said he’d do it, and just doing it myself (but then he’ll NEVER follow through, right?) because it’s driving me to distraction (although, in all honesty, I’m not sure if it’s more the unvacuumed floor or the fact that he’s not doing that drives me nuts). It’s also hard to wrap your head around the fact that you really can’t change anyone else: the control freak in me demands otherwise.
I’m glad to read this. I had seen lots of OMG I AM GOING TO KILL THIS MAN tweets back when I started following you, and wondered/worried.
We’re dealing with some of this at our house, too. My husband commutes 2 hours each way, and I have a 2yo and a 6mo.
I’m not sure where you’re at religiously (is that a word) so hopefully this Christian reference is useful, not offensive, but lately I have seen several marriage posts from Mckmama that have inspired me.
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2008/12/submission-is-not-four-letter-word.html is probably the best one. if you are reading that link and going OH HOLY HELLLLLLL NOOOO, like I did, dude seriously? check it out. Read down at least until she says “if I do that, I’ll be a doormat. a miserable doormat.” (that is a paraphrase)
A more recent one was: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2010/03/love-and-war.html
And even if you’re not Christian and this stuff totally doesn’t work for you, I urge you to check out the books The Five Love Languages (about showing love) and The Other Side of Love (about anger), both of which were written by a Christian marriage counselor dude but useful for all your interactions, even with coworkers and your kids. It’s the kind of stuff that if you start using it, people will change in how they react to you; it would be ideal if your S.O. would jump on the bandwagon and do it back, but it makes a difference even if only one side is doing it.
Anyhow, thinking of you.
taking the high road rarely turns out to be the wrong route, but takes a great deal of will power – more will power than I can usually drum up.
My husband leaves clothes lying on the floor too.I don’t leave them there – no, I kick them over to his side so that they are not in my way.
I once tried leaving the bathroom until it got so bad he’d notice and clean it. Guess what – it NEVER happened.
I think I was about five years into this marriage when I just let it all go. Honestly, it is a much better relationship now that I’ve just exhaled. If I want something done (like if it bothers me there is a heap of laundry on the floor), I just do it. I try to see the humour in it. Like we used to go ten rounds over whether or not it was physically impossible for a man to put a dirty dish into the dishwasher. Was this some sort of penis-related difficulty? Was it chromosomal failure? I laugh NOW but at the time, we literally got into “I AM MOVING OUT” level fights over it. Bags were packed. Kids were crying. It was a capital-T Trainwreck.
Now when I’m putting the dirty dishes into the dishwasher from where they are perched on TOP of the dishwasher, I whisper to myself, “Using the power of her Super Vagina, Karen puts the dishes in the dishwasher!” He’s never going to put a fucking dish in the dishwasher and I pretty much had to let go of the expectation because actually putting the dish away is so much more pleasant than the screaming follow-up fights about it. And at this point, it’s just sort of funny.
At the end of the day, you can choose if it’s more important that chores are distributed 100% equally or if they just get done, period. You have to choose if it’s funny or if it’s worth making yourself (and him) miserable for. Life’s short . It’s supposed to be fun. If you’re seething about the laundry, you ain’t having fun, that’s all I’m saying. It took me a LONG time to figure that out.
“Using the power of her Super Vagina…” I’m seriously crying I’m laughing so hard…this line will get used, in much the same fashion just loud enough for the man to hear it. That way we’ll both get a good laugh. Marriage is hard, Sam, for both of you. Finding a way to laugh about it…makes it easier to navigate through.
Love you, lady!
I don’t think it’s about the chores or the clothes or picking up or any of that. It’s about simple, plain, consider-fucking-ation. Have a little consideration for your wife. That’s all I ask, so of course I’m projecting onto you that that’s all you ask as well. If they’d just show a little kindness and consideration, SO much resentment and anger would be avoided. At least in my house.
I feel like I could’ve written this post. I’ve been married 10 1/2 years and we’ve been together 15. We love each other dearly but when dealing with stuff—big or small—it’s become a battle of wills around here. We’re both so stubborn that that it’s gotten hard to just cut the shit and start being nice and considerate to each other. Maybe I’ll try your approach and lead by example. Wish me luck!
I’ve been with my man for 10 years and there are some times when he speaks and I want to kick him in the fucking face.
But then, 99% of the time, I look at him and at what we’ve been through together and I am amazed. There is no one else I would rather be dutch ovened by
Yeah, we were constantly at loggerheads too. And both being type-a’s you can imagine how fun that was. And then I realized that (a) his mother, a darling woman who I love dearly, waited on him hand and foot growing up and unless I ask him specifically to do things he won’t clue in and (b) everyone likes a choice, it was awful.
So I ask, specifically. To bring the laundry down, to vacuum the stairs, and he does without complaint. Sometimes it’s on his own schedule though.
And there is often a choice: you can bathe the baby or clean up the supper dishes; you can entertain the baby or make dinner. I once gave him a choice between helping out by doing vacuuming and dusting and the powder room every week or hiring a cleaning service. He went for the cleaning service. It was great.
So, I’m really not one to offer marriage advice. I’m right there with you and we’re totally frustrated as well.
I’ll say this though – I read the Happiness Project, and there’s a chapter about marriage. I’m not about to implement it all (it’s very self-helpy, yet I keep thinking about this book). But, there’s a part where she talks about not keeping score. And, just choosing to do stuff not waiting for your husband to do it, because sometimes being frustrated about something your partner doesn’t do affects you more than him.
So, I guess I take that with a grain of salt because I am well aware I keep score, etc.
But …
I think about that. And try to stop nitpicking about him leaving socks around (among other things) and just move them.
Does he notice? ummmm … no. But, it sure as hell bugs me less.
This is so hard to read, Sam, because so much of it hits so close to home for what the first 9 1/2 years of marriage were like for me. Right down to some of the ways I tried to “fix” it.
Which is not, you know, to assume that you will be exactly as stupid as I was and just get to the point where you say “OH YEAH? WATCH THIS!” before hitting the button on the detonator that blows up the whole damn thing.
It’s just to say that… damn, I so get this. And I’m not into giving unsolicited advice, so I won’t. But if you ever WANT to ask? Please do.
xo
Story of my life a few years ago, it’s a bumpy ride. (The Man and I never did the wedding thing, we’re still not married, we’ve been together for 18.) I wish I had some easy solutions.
Marriage is hard and I seriously applaud you for being able to step back and assess, then reassess, then reassess again. It’s good to remember the things we like about our spouses when we get fed up with them.
Uhhh, by “we”, I totally mean “you married people”. Apparently, my assessing didn’t go so well.
oof.
I finally got my tiny little roses after nine years.
Oh how I love those little tiny roses.
Before that? I made it about three hours trying to be the bigger person. It never lasted long, no matter how hard I tried or wanted it to work out.
So, uh, GOOD FOR YOU! For trying. For making an effort. Because I was the epitome of fail with the whole thing until, well, you know. October.
wow. This is hard to read because its a situation I know well. Good for you for making changes to better it. Lately I’m the guilty one of not putting in the effort. I could learn from you.
It’s not exactly the same – but it’s 5 years and 2 little boys in the same amount of time, and it’s fucking hard. I hear you.
Wow, after reading all the other comments, I really can’t add anything new, just wish you the best of luck and kudos to you for your efforts. Hopefully it helps you to see that so many other women are going through the same thing. No one ever said marriage was easy & if they did they’re f**&ing liars!!
What a great, heartbreakingly, honest post.
I always say marriage is a choice.. Sometimes it is an easy choice, sometimes it is a hard choice, but it is always a choice to do the work.
love your very honest post. I’ve been blogging just over 6 months and I always tend to put the positive stuff from my marriage… but I think most every woman can agree with a lost (and even MOST) of what you wrote… I love my husb more than chocolate too… yet I find myself blaming him for things that are really more my “fault” than his… or like you said… waiting for him to make the first move, to NOTICE, to LOVE AND ADORE ME… the way I soooo deserve
And I know… just like you… that if I love him the way he deserves, I’d probably get loved back in return… sigh…
Opinion from the other side of the fence.
I help out with dishes, vacuuming, laundry, taking care of our daughter etc. But I do have moments where I just “let go” of the everyday mundane stuff. I just don’t want to. It’s 9pm and I have choice between watching Caprica or doing the dinner dishes. I , at times, choose to become a vegetable and leave the dishes for morning. And the moment I do, I have noticed my wonderful wife of 11 years become a raving neurotic woman. And we get into a fight.
If your husband is as bad as he sounds (and I need to hear from the other side before I agree with you) then you have a legitimate issue. But if he did not feel like doing the laundry on ONE particular day, then you are the issue and not him
Good luck!
OK, looks like I jumped to conclusions. Just finished reading more posts from your blog. Man, you have it rough. Aplogise for my “don’t blame the man” comment above. Hope your post inspires him to do more around the house!!
Yeah, I’m with whoever it was up there who said it’s about consideration. It’s one of the reasons my marriage of 10 years is ending – he has no consideration for me. He refuses to do anything around the house, including installing the central heating system that’s been sitting in our cellar since November. He refuses to pick up his stuff never mind anything the kids have left lying around and he refuses to spend any time with me at home but expects me to go out with his friends and be a puck bunny while they play or watch hockey.
Well, that and he keeps dicking around with other women online….
Oddly enough, the more kids we add, the more my husband gets it. So, I figure, once I’m on kid #17, everything should be freaking fantastic.
I so felt like that at year 5. Now, at year 12 1/2, there are moments, yes, that I want to stab him for that kind of crap. But mostly I did just what you have said-got over it, and do my part. Which, as the SAHM that I am is every.fucking.thing. Funny, the more I do, the more he tells me that he appreciates it, and doesn’t say a word about things like, OH, SPENDING A WEEKEND IN NYC FOR BLOGHER. Yeah, he pretty much gets it now.
Oh! and I also meant to say that I learned to speak up when I really need some help. i.e.-asking him to flip a load of laundry, start dinner, get the kids to bed, etc. He couldn’t read my mind. Imagine!
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